Saturday, December 31, 2011

Every stinking channel??

Janet, Janet, we adore thee.  We think you are super hot.
I don't go out on dates any more.  My life could get no lamer.
I sit in the scan booth and play with myself.  I'm a TSA'er!
I'm on the edge of hurling
Napolitano's face makes me spew
I'm on the edge of hurling
Starting to gag what about you?
And here's to you, Ms. Napolitano
We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano
If you want to, you can find a way
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

You'd like to know a little bit about me for your files
You think we're just like Al-Qaeda
Look around you, what you see are loyal, patriot eyes
God & guns & liberty do not make me the bad guy

Middle finger for you, Ms. Napolitano
We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano
Criminals crossing every single day (Hey, hey, hey...ho, ho, ho)

Sneakin' 'cross the desert where no one ever goes
Killin' ranchers, stealing IDs
It's a little secret, just Napolitano's affair
Worst of all is when they light the desert on fire

Cuckoo, screw you, Ms. Napolitano
We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano
Even though we're pretty sure you're gay (Hey, hey, hey...ha, ha, ha)

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
While all the candidates debate
Blog about it, shout about it
When you've got to choose
Ev'ry way you look at it, we're screwed

What have you done, Barack Hussein-O
Lib'rals turned their teary eyes to you (Boo hoo hoo)
What's that you say, Ms.Napolitano?
Hopenchange got on the plane and flew away
(Hey, hey, hey...vacay today)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Silly song o' the week

In  light of Paula Deen's comments, ("Michelle Obama loves fried food and ate more than any other guest I've had on my show") and MichelleO's own recent comments, this song may be more true than not.

Alternate link to download and play in preferred media player

Turkey legs make her smile
Donuts light up her eyes
She'll slap up your face then hog the moon pies
The skin she reveals, you won't want to see
She whines like a child,
Her thighs jiggle like Jell-O at sea.

She can give you a shove
She can take all the wagyu
She'll say "your kid's fat!"
And then nanny-state you
She shnorks down the best US Prime Grade A beef
Like Commander in Thief
But she's always MichelleO to me

Oh--she looks out for herself
She can eat what she wants
Always dinner time
Oh--and she never cuts back
And she never gives in
She just eats the pork rinds

She eats up more tacos
Than hundreds of heathen
You take her last biscuit
And you'll be the one bleedin'!!
She gobbles the best US Prime Grade A beef
Blame it all on Gee-Dubya
Cause she's always MichelleO to me


Ouch!  She just bit off my thumb!
Can you get me a towel
And then call 9-1-1 ??
Ouch!  She just did it again!
Can't believe how it bled!
Oooh! I can get SSI

She is infrequently kind
And she's usually cruel
She can do as she pleases
'Cuz barry's a fool
Got my kids hidden safely up in a tree
'Cuz it's scary as hell, that Michelle My Belle
When she snarls like a wookie at me

Friday, December 23, 2011

Barry necessary vacation

White House briefing.  The usual Secretaries, Department heads, Czars, and not-convicted-yet felons in attendance.  The pResident enters, skipping like a schoolchild, with an uncommonly wide grin.

[Biden] "Sir!  You're looking extra chipper this morning!  Must be looking forward to the vacay in Hawaii, eh?"

[Obama]  "That's not it at all, Joe.  Actually, what it is, is that the last couple nights are the best sleep I've had in years."

[Biden] "When I'm away from Jill, I toss and turn all night.  I hate it."

[Obama] "OK, you didn't hear this from me, but...  Michelle snores.  Really snores.  Like a congested walrus.  Drives me nuts.  I'd use earplugs, but as you know, nobody makes them in my size.  With her already in Hawaii, I've finally been able to rest."

[John Holdren, Science Czar] "Sir, if I may interject.  I once ran an audio sampling of your wife's snoring through a spectrum analyzer.  Turns out, it is less of a 'congested walrus' sound, than it is a 'somebody trying to blast a congested walrus through an InSinkErator using a diesel-powered leaf blower' sound."

[Obama] "OK, 'nuff of that.  Where we at and what we got?  Axe?"

[Axelrod] "Your poll numbers continue to reek.  However, people are slightly less pessimistic about the economy.  That bodes well."

[Obama] "Nice."

[Axelrod] "However, that all depends on the Europeans making the difficult choices to get their debt problems under their control without blowing up the world economy.  How likely do you think that is?"

[Obama, still unusually upbeat] "I'm screwed.  Understood.  State?

[SecState Hillary] "Sir, the Russians hate us, the Chinese hate us.  Even the Syrians are saying they wish Booooosh were still president.  Chavez says you are a clown.  We are like a piñata that the whole world is taking swings at.  Oh, and in Egypt the military is going around stomping on innocent women.  Right there in the street."

[Obama] "Good thing I gave that historic speech there in Cairo a couple years ago.  Otherwise those filthy whores who deserve to, uhh, excuse me.  Otherwise, those innocent women would be getting hosed down with sustained full-auto weapons fire, instead of merely stomped on."

[Clinton, eyeroll] "Yeah.  OK.  Also, some columnists at the Politico wrote a very convincing essay on why I should run for President."

[Obama, no longer upbeat, lunges across the table and angrily grabs Hillary by the collar] "Listen to me very closely...  If you run against me..." [now eyeball-to-eyeball with Hill] "I will shove a cactus up your actus...  You'll rue the very day you were born... Do you smell... What Barack... Is Cookin'??"  [releases grip] "And what's with the bright floral print in the middle of winter?  Girl, you have the most miserable fashion sense."

A nearly invisible figure enters the room.  MichelleO de-cloaks and approaches Hillary.

[MichelleO, menacingly] "What Barack said...  Times 10..Capiche?"

[Hillary, frightened nearly to death] "B-b-b-but I thought you were in Hawaii!?!"

[MichelleO] "I WAS." [taps button on her bracelet to re-cloak and disappears out of the room]

[Obama] "It's best not to tick me off.  It's even better not to tick her off.  With that, I bid thee a-doo and depart for my much needed vacation."

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I could get into this.

A drunken soccer hooligan (is there any other kind of hooligan? -ed.) charged the field and got an epic beatdown courtesy of the Dutch goalkeeper.  Now *this* is my kind of soccer.  I could actually enjoy full-contact soccer.  Not the "yellow-card my opponent while I writhe in pain because our feet almost touched" non-contact soccer that prevails internationally these days.  What a bunch of wussicles.  But soccer cross-pollinated with Ultimate Fighting?  I. AM. SO. THERE. 

What I'm envisioning would be like this:  At random intervals, the Designated Blower would toot his vuvuzela.  Play would immediately stop, and a drunken hooligan would charge onto the field.  A guy wearing #34 with little spiky things on his shoes, dressed like a Georgia Tech cheerleader, would square off with the drunken hooligan.  No holds barred.  Groin kicks not only allowed, but encouraged.  (Hence the name "fútbol" ).  Winner gets a £10 million contract with Manchester United.  How awesome would that be?  The "Beautiful Sport" would become the "Watchable Sport" and pay-per-view revenues would soar!

The only thing that keeps my idea from becoming a reality is the sheer dearth of drunken soccer hooligans. If only they weren't so mannered and orderly...

PS - I don't dislike soccer or soccer players.  This isn't intended to be one of those jingoistic "American fooball is better than World football" flame wars.  But making fun of soccer players is irresistibly fun.  Like pinching occutards  with BBQ tongs and listening to their whiny cries of "shtop it! You're hurting me!"  I just never tire of it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Park of the Whining Scum

OK.  Seriously.  I started this song a loooong time ago, back when the occudorks were still kind of relevant.  But there were a number of problems.  First, I couldn't get the timing on the arpeggios to my satisfaction.  Secondly, I don't know how to play keyboard instruments worth pbthbth.  So I used the bass and cranked it up two octaves in the software, which made it sound pretty cool.  Interesting swells and stuff in there that can't really be heard at normal frequencies.  But it still really stunk, terrible timing.  Sounded like 4 bad musicians playing 4 different songs at the same time.  (In other words, "jazz").  So I downloaded a MIDI app.  Never used one before - this is the first effort.  All the instruments you hear are ordinary MIDI voices that came either with Windows or my sound card.  My cheap-o $9 mic's cord is failing, so I had to sit super still and there's still a lot of garbling.  Oh well.  (Plus, it would help if I could actually sing.  But you knew that already.)


While the original author is unknown, this song was popularized by The Animals and covered by lots of bands including The Doors.  So I present to you my version.  And remember, it isn't "bad" it's, um, "campy."  Yeah, campy.

If that doesn't work, here's an Alternate Link to download and/or play in Windows Media Player (or similar).

There is a park in NYC
Occupied by whining scum
They raped each other and took dumps on the street
A perfect storm of dumb

Now the only thing a hippie needs
Is a dry tent and bong
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's banging' a gong

Bloomberg kicked some of 'em out
But quite a few remain
I tell you what they play those drums one more bleeping time
I'm gonna beat 'em with a chain.

Mothers don't let your children
Run up debt on stupid degrees
You know the kind I'm talkin' about
Their PhD's in Puppetry

They twinkled up and they twinkled down
They twinkled all around
They twinkled in cups, vases and pots
And even on the ground

Well, there is a park in NYC
Occupied by whining scum
They raped each other and took craps on the street
A perfect storm of dumb

I am still interested in collaborating on some of these silly things.  I'm so not a musician, but I think it'd be fun and we could probably get a better result together than me doing everything.  The software is all free and not that hard to figure out.  We could get some shared space on Drop Box or one of the cloud-based services to exchange files.  Lemme know.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Plane, Boss! The Plane!

On an arid Persian plateau, Mahmoud and Jamaal tend to some goats.

[Jamaal] "Mahmoud!  Look in sky!  What strange airplane!"

[Mahmoud] "That is no plane.  I have no seen the plane like this before!"

The stealth drone comes to an abrupt landing nearby, but remains mostly intact.  The herdsmen approach cautiously.

[Mahmoud] "Oh no!  It is not plane.  It is UFO!  Now comes time when small gray man with the big eyes depart the UFO and probe my 'down there' place with strange instrument!"

[Jamaal] "Mahmoud, be reasonable.  The Prophet wrote of no such thing.  I think you see too much the SyFy channel and get the bad idea from."

[Mahmoud] "No!  I hate the intentional misspelling of words and brands and slogans.  It is not catchy or effective." [getting irrationally angry]  "No!  Not catchy!  It is vexing only.  So I no to watch the SyFy.  Just the name 'SyFy' make me wants to kill the Joooos."

[Jamaal] "So?  A pleasant breeze at the sunrise make you wants to kill the Joooos."

[Mahmoud] "Yes.  What is your point?"

[Jamaal] "I do not remember the point.  Oh yes.  There is no strange man do those things on you."

[Mahmoud] "But there is!  It happened also just the last night!"

[Jamaal]  "No, my friend.  That was just me."

[Mahmoud, relieved] "What then of this plane?  Let us go nearer."

The two herdsmen sidle near enough to almost touch the unusual craft.  Eerie clicks and hissing noises emanate from it as its engine cools in the chill evening air.

[Mahmoud, cringing] "My soul is troubled by this machine.  I cannot touch it or come closer.  It is like being near to the Michael Moore wearing Speedo...  Much evil."

[Jamaal] "But where is the cockpit?  Where is the pilot?" [throws rock at screen where pilot's seat is found on traditional manned aircraft]

[Mahmoud] "Jamaal!  Stop!  I tell you it is evil! It is flown by a djinn!  If there is no pilot, what can be other explanation?"

(to be continued?)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Caffeine should be its own food group

Alright, ordinarily I hate these things.  But my ordinary (and by ordinary I mean "black as the coal miner's [ ] at midnight and thick like 90W gear lube and stronger than the stench of an #occupy encampment") coffee just ain't turnin' the crank today.  I am so flippin' tired that, well, um, yeah. I'm at the point of actually downing one of these.  I think it was Blaise Pascal who said "anybody who sleeps more than four hours a day is wasting his life."  I think it was also Blaise Pascal who did math stuff and said a lot of things that seriously piss me off.  I've done (at most) 4 hours a night consecutively starting Friday, and really, Blaise, I don't think it's helping with any part of my life.  Wait... My hallucinations are becoming more vivid, so there's that...


Going to an OSU Beaver basketball game tonight.  Haven't been there live-an-in-person since Saint Gary of the Payton was running the offense.  Should be fun.  But I want to be awake.  When is the optimal time to chug this nasty swill?  Tip-off is at 7:00pm local time.  I want to time it so I'm nice and lively at the game and then, about 4 seconds after I get home, crash.  Crash!  Crash like a liberal taking a head-on with Reality at freeway speeds.  I want to wake up in my own clothes and wonder what day it is kind of crash.  But timing is crucial.  Don't wanna run out of energy while I'm still driving home after the game.  When should I crack the seal on this little bottle of evil?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Alms! Alms for the poor! *UPDATED*

"Alms!  Alms for the poor!"

OK, that sounds kind of desperate...

How about

"It's the all-request hour at rockin' KDUM-FM!"

Here's the deal - I haven't been able to think of anything funny for a long time.  I check the sitemeter and see dwindling numbers, but also clicks from faithful readers who are no doubt thinking something like "Maybe, just maybe, innominatus has posted something that isn't totally McTarded and is actually kinda funny, which might briefly - oh, so briefly - lift my spirit out of the doldrums of misery."  But I haven't.  For a long time.  It makes me feel like a total failure.  So I'm taking requests.  This is what desperation smells like.

So... If you've ever wished I'd be struck in the head by a speeding meteorite write about some certain topic, lemme know.  If you have a story idea, lemme know.  If you have a tip to something funny that I might use as a mental springboard, lemme know.  If you know (in an eco-friendly way, of course) how to dispose of a shipping container full of dead hippies, lemme know.



Hey!  When in doubt, write about PAIN!
This is a picture of the engraving table I use daily.  Not my actual one, but a pic of the same model, which I jacked from some Portuguese website.  Neither is that actually me.  The real me has a larger, but less pointy nose.  But you get the idea.  Anyway, I was trying valiantly to deposit a scrap of paper in the wastebasket under the table, which was basically right between my feet.  Somehow I managed to miss the wastebasket.  When I bent down to retrieve the errant paper, I banged by ample forehead on the Y-Axis stepper motor.  The Y-Axis stepper motor is about the same size as a Pepsi can but not as well cushioned.  You'd think that daily use of this machine since May of 2000 would lead me to have a good working knowledge of where the Y-Axis stepper motor is at any given time, and that I'd use that knowledge to avoid banging my head on said motor.  But you'd be wrong.  So now I have a neat little knot in the middle of my forehead that looks like a swollen Hindu caste mark.  I think I am now an Untouchable.  Shun me accordingly.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Pearl Harbor Day

I know that in this song Rush is scolding us for "going overboard" on Imperial Japan. I don't care if Rush thinks nukes were excessive.  Imperial Japan was very unlike modern Japan, and if you ask me, they deserved every bomb that fell on them.  Pilot of Enola Gay, riding out of the shockwave...

Don't screw with us.  For if we have to, we'll invent new ways to mess you up.

Big Mo's guns keeping silent watch over Arizona's fallen. 
Image from Wikipedia

Monday, November 28, 2011

Cats and dogs living together (and other odorless, colorless, flavorless filler content)

Unvarnished truth escapes lips of democrat, "End of the World" prophecies hardest hit.  A democrat speaking truth is a trigger event, like Ash picking up the Necronomicon without saying the magic words.  Democrat truth-telling was supposed to be that supreme improbability that would cause the universe to fold inwards on itself and collapse into nothingness.  The Mayans said this wouldn't happen until 2012 (in other words "after the elections"). But here it is, happening in 2011, and now the Mayans look really stupid, the universe missed its cue, and the whole cosmic calendar has been knocked totally fubar.  I don't know how this will all pan out, but I'm sure no good will come of it.


The Civil War was on ABC this weekend.  Man, I hope it was just regional coverage and not national.  Hate to think that the whole country might have seen that debacle.  What a rotten season.  3-9 record.  No bowl game.  Again.  Guess we can go back to being a Basketball Schooltm.  Again. We're 5-1 so far at hoops, with the only loss on the road against Vandy.  And even that was due only to a lucky last-second shot.  Hasn't been this much excitement around the b-ball program since the mid-'90s.  We were (quietly) one of the winningest teams for decades, from the '40s through the '80s.  Almost always ranked, almost always going to the tourney.  Then Gary Payton graduated and things got sketchy for a couple seasons.  Things were looking up in the mid-'90s, but then all in one off-season one kid blew out his knee, another kid dropped dead from a sudden heart condition, another kid transferred out, another sophomore kid went pro, and another kid went to prison for armed robbery - that moron called Domino's to have a pizza delivered to his own house, and then drew a gun on the delivery guy and took the pizza without paying for it.  Wow.  The entire starting 5 gone just like that.  And we've pretty much sucked every year since.  Until now.  Whooo!


Some interesting comments in the Newt post from the other day.  But I stick to my previous position: he doesn't deserve the presidency.  Egads! innominatus is a closet Obamaphile!  Umm, no... 
  • Mitt Romney - Not very conservative.  Flip-flops on major issues.  Weird name.  A mechanized automaton without the "personality chip" upgrade.  RomneyCare.  Doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Herman Cain - Great guy.  Gives an outstanding speech.  But... Except for 999, can't define his policy postions worth a pthbthbth.  Listening to him try is like a blind guy trying to find his own azz on a map of Tuscon using Google Street View and a telescope.  Doesn't deserve the presidency.  Addendum: Just saw this at Hot Air:
    Rather, this appears to be an accusation of private, alleged consensual conduct between adults – a subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life. The public’s right to know and the media’s right to report has boundaries and most certainly those boundaries end outside of one’s bedroom door.
    Dude, if that's the best your own lawyer can say about your "long affair" then please just endorse somebody who isn't a sexweasel and then quietly go away.
  • Newt Gingrich - I dig the acerbic personality and the brains.  But... Has a lot of baggage, and isn't that conservative.  C'mon! Flamin' Denny Hastert (spit) has a more conservative voting record than Newt!  Like I said before, doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Michele Bachman - I like her.  But... she bet the farm on Gardisil and lost.  Little evidence that she can actually run anything.  Deserves some credit and a promotion, but doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Rick Perry - I like him and hope he rallies back into the top tier.  But... He debates like a constipated goat on quaaludes.  Cronyism accusations hard to shake.  Probably doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Ron Paul - Dead-nuts-right-on on about half the issues.  But... Doublepluskooky on the other half of the issues.  If we could just take the "good half" and exile the other half to the Phantom Zone, he'd be a winner.  Until we master that technology, he doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • John Huntsman - Who?
As far as I'm concerned, none of 'em are really presidential.  Sad thing?  I'll gladly pull the finger lever for ANY of the above over the present pResident.  Like Frank J. said at IMAO:
We have a bunch of bad choices for the GOP nomination. On the other hand, the Democrats have only one horrible choice.

True story - Thought for sure I was going to end up in a fistfight.  Sunday at 6:10 AM I was at my early grunt-work restaurant job, taking some trash out to the dumpster.  Next thing I know, some psycho gets  REALLY P*SSED and ALL UP IN MY FACE about the Chevron station next door not being open yet.  When I tell him that I don't work there and can't help him, he gets all puffed up and starts giving me the "Whaddya scared of?" crap.  (My only fear was that his stupid might be contagious.)  So I took off (in the most manly and threatening way possible, of course) my stupid gimpy little polyethylene food-handling gloves.  Clearly this intimidated the heck out of psycho-boy, as he backed off and got back in his truck while yelling f-bombs about how he had no gas to get to work.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Screwt Newt

Mr. Gingrich was on his way out of my doghouse.  He wasn't out of it, and probably would never be, 'cuz, well, I have a big doghouse.  But he at least was taking some baby steps toward the exit.


This mouthfart passed 'twixt his lips:

“The party that says it's the party of the family is going to adopt an immigration policy which destroys families who have been here a quarter century.  I'm prepared to take the heat for saying, let's be humane in enforcing the law without giving them citizenship but by finding a way to create legality so that they are not separated from their families.”


A person who has entered our country illegally is ineligible for a SSN or other documentation that would allow them to be legally employed.  Therefore, if said person is employed, then that person must be using fraudulent or stolen documents.  If that person is not employed, then that person must be a bum who sponges off of others.  What other possibility is there?  The illegal is independently wealthy?  Yeah, right.

So this fraud and/or bum of an illegal has been sneaky enough and cunning enough and treacherous enough to be able to perpetrate this ruse for 25 years.  According to Newt, that makes this illegal a good candidate for permanent residence.  Furthermore, let's say this illegal has elected to start a family here in spite of these very uncertain circumstances - Newt says *I* am being inhumane if I want this weasel out of my country.

Know what, Newt?

Get bent.  This hypothetical illegal knew exactly what he was doing when he built his life on a big pile of shifting sand.  This same hypothetical illegal willingly subjected his family to years of uncertainty and stress and potential loss.  THAT is inhumane.  THAT must not be rewarded.

And YOU do not deserve the presidency.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Adrenalin shot from nowhere

Hey, long weekend coming up... Maybe I'll actually get to write something.

In the meantime, this vid actually shocked me.  I was just browsing all the stupid vids that Ace's co-bloggers put up in the sidebar, and this appeared in YouTube's "related videos" of the "puppies attack cat" clip.  Dude.  I had to get up and walk around for a second before I could go back to work.

Right then and there, Bambi would've been an orphan if it were up to me. Holy crap! I was ready to crawl through the screen and break that [bleep]ing deer's neck.  And that was even before I read the follow-up story.  Next one of those a-holes jumps out in front of my car?  Ain't swervin'.  Gonna mash the gas and launch that bastage into the next county.  To any hunters who haven't filled their tags yet: I wish you Very Good Luck the rest of this season and a freezer full of yummy, yummy Dead A-hole.

Friday, November 18, 2011

And I don't even drink!

I gotta serious case of flask envy going on, and I don't even drink!  As an engraver, personalizing a hip flask for a customer is pretty common.  Usually they are groomsman's gifts, other times it is an overzealous frat boy or the like.  Most of them are 5 to 8 ounces.  This one is 64!  Half a flamin' gallon!  Never seen anything like it.  And I shudder to think what kind of hip it is intended to accompany...

[fighting temptation to link a pic of MichelleO]

[fighting temptation to link pic of Debbie Whatshername Schultz]

[temptations overcome.  narrowly...  (unlike their hips) ]

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Science Geeks Rule!

Linus Pauling at age 17.  Pic from the Linus Pauling Centenary at OSU

Alternate post title: "Possibly the coolest thing this engraver has ever worked on"

So a guy is cleaning out some space in a building at OSU.  He stumbles across a handwritten letter that reads:

Corvallis - Saturday 16 Jan. 1982

The old Chem. B'ld'g was unlocked.  I sat and stood for half an hour in the room on the second floor where I first saw my sweet love, 60 years ago today, less two days.  I stood at the front of the room and repeated my first words: "Will you please tell me what you know about ammonium hydroxide, Miss..." (I then looked at my class book and selected one of the 25 names at random) "...Miller?"  Ava Helen Miller made a good answer.  This chance meeting has determined the nature of my life.

Linus Pauling

Pretty cool, eh?  I'm in the middle of turning that note into a permanent plaque that'll be displayed somewhere on campus.  Pauling may have had some lefty tendencies, but none can argue his genius.  And this is a pretty slick way for a geek to break the ice with the ladies!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Apologies are in order

Dear citizens, travelers, longshoreman, and other inhabitants of Mos Eisley Spaceport:

In 1977, I famously said of you

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

OK, that's over 35 years ago.  You'd think things would be forgotten.  But this is the Age of the Internet, where every stupid action and every dumb deed is Forever.  Words come back to haunt you like a bad bowl of borscht.  Truth is, I can now go to #occupy_[anyplace] and encounter far more wretchedness, more hives, more scumminess, and certainly more villainy as well.

Long and short of it, I should not have used the word "never" in that quote.  As a Jedi, it is my duty to live an honest and forthright life.  So I apologize and beg your forgiveness for grossly overstating your wretchedness.  (Except you, Greedo.  You're still a buttstain).  And please don't lawyer-up and come after me for slander or libel or any of that crap.  I am an itinerant hero - nearly penniless.  And my 401k has gotten, like, really raped the last couple years.  So, please, please, accept this most heartfelt apology.


Obi-Wan ("Ben") Kenobi

cc: NYT Editorial Board; Law Offices of Crook and Bender, LLC

PS - Hey Darth, instead of zapping Alderaan, how 'bout we thumbwrestle?  If I win, you zap Zuccotti Park instead.  Text  me and let me know, K?

Heh.  I feel a strange disturbance in the force - like millions of hippies, suddenly incinerated.  Along with a lot of body lice and a couple of rats.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Barry miserable summit

The pResident and various heads-of-state are in Cannes (pronounced "KHAAAAAN!") in the south of France for the G20 Summit.  After another day of futile discussions, the leaders are having a formal dinner.  A waitress brings the first course.

[Waitress] "Here is ze special French deenair for ze special guests"

[Obama, to waitress] "Mercy bo-coo-coo-ka-choop"

[Sarkozy laughs]

[Merkel glares, disapprovingly]

[Obama] "C'mon, Angie!  That was funny!"

[Merkel] "I am German.  I do not laugh."

[Obama] "You remind me of Angela Landsbury.  Are you two related?"

[Merkel, facepalm]

[French PM Sarkozy] "Meestair pResidahnt Obama, ze central banks of Europe are unable to cope with ze masseeve Greek debt probe-lems.  Unless ze Americans help, ze Euro is soon no more."

[Omaba] "Sarko, my people don't have much appetite for more debt.  We might be able to help with Greece, but after that, I doubt it.  We may be the world's largest economy, but we can't bail out Spain or Italy, or for that matter, France."

[Sarkozee] "Oui, oui, you always remind us." [eyeroll] "You have ze beeggest economee, ze beeggest militaree, ze beeggest zis and ze beeggest zat.  And I remind you, vouz also have ze beeggest spouse.  Her butt-tocks are unnaturally beeg.  My wife is soopairmodell, while yours...  how to say in English..." [pensive pause] " is like your wife's face is on fyair, and a strong man come to exteenguish ze flames, using only a wet crowbar."

[Merkel busts out laughing]

[Obama] "Ha ha.  Ang?  I thought you didn't laugh."

[Merkel] "Nien.  But, that was funny."

The waitress arrives with the next course of the meal.

[Obama, nodding in thanks to waittress] "Donkeyshown"

[Waitress, faux German accent] "Bitter"

[Obama, rapidly] "Clinger"

[Waitress, rapidly] "Radar O'Reilly"

[Obama, rapidly] "Colonel Potter"

[Waitress, rapidly] "Harry Potter"

[Obama, rapidly] "Occupy Wall Street"

[Waitress, rapidly] "What?  I said 'Harry Potter' not 'hairy pooter' "

[Obama] "Sorry, your accent kinda got me on that one."

[Waitress, indignantly] "Meestair pResidahnt, you are in Frahnce.  Vouz are the one with ze accent."

[Obama, dumbfounded stare]

[Merkel] "It is evident that these discussions are going nowhere."

Some days later, back in DC

[MichelleO] "How'd the big G20 summit go?"

[Obama] "Terrible.  The whole global economy is going to explode in my face right before election time."

[MichelleO] "I've been wanting to talk to you about that.  Are you really sure you even want to run again?  I'd be totally OK with you just serving one term."

[Obama] "Yeah, me pretending to be hetero-  all this time has been pretty hard on both of us.  Dunno if I can do it for another four years."

[MichelleO] "Me either."

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Time for another one of *those* posts

I am become Boredom, Destroyer of Blogs.


Lessee here... Cain may or may not have said and/or done something that may or may not have risen to the level of S.H.  but it is all anybody wants to talk about.  Bleh.


Do you know what I hate?  Lemme tell ya...
  • I hate when I find a cool blog and they immediately go on a posting hiatus right after I discover them.
  • I hate it when I'm reading one of the "big blogs" and I come up with an Extremely Funny Comment but it as after the thread is pretty much dead so nobody ever sees it.
  • I hate it when I'm at somebody's house and they're really into a TV show they have on their DVR and they're trying to FF through the commercials, but one of the commercials is a commercial for the show they're watching.  They see their beloved characters on so they stop FF'ing only to realize they've been duped and there's still an ad for Subway and an ad for a mattress sale to sit through.
  • I hate it when the unnamed person above does that over and over at every commercial break.


Teacher: Bobby, what did you do this weekend?

Bobby:  I found a dead cat.

Teacher:  Really?  How did you know it was dead?

Bobby:  I pissed in its ear and it didn't even move!

Teacher:  You did what?!

Bobby:  Yeah, I leaned over close to it and went "Pssst!!" right in its ear and it didn't even flinch.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Go outside and play

Ever read Big Hairy News?  Consistently funny and good photochops.  Until I think of something decent to post here, you should go check out his stuff.  I haven't been there so much lately, but today I was glad I did.  Seems like me 'n Scooter have been on pretty much the same wavelength.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Found Footage: OWS

Below the fold is a transcript of an Occutard's iPhone video diary.  Like everything else about OWS, it is vile and offensive and those with delicate sensibilities should consider not reading it. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I've seen this movie...

OK, I caught some grief for not having seen Iron Man. But I have seen the flick about the infected monkey and the resulting death, chaos and mayhem.  (Call me weird, but I think Dustin Hoffman looked really hot in that plastic hazmat suit.)

Real life imitating Hollywood:
Animal advocates said they are okay that deputies issued a "shoot to kill" order when about 56 exotic animals escaped from a private Ohio zoo. A gray wolf and monkey (possibly infected with herpes B)...
I'm not sure why we even tolerate the existence of monkeys.  All they do is fling poo and spread The Herp.  We shouldn't be waiting around for a suicidal zookeeper to let his monkey loose.  We should be shooting monkeys wherever we find them.  Letting disease-ridden critters live long enough to escape is just the kind of monkeybusiness that leads to Martial Law.  The kind of Martial Law where guys in plastic suits search our stuff for disease-vector "Patient Zero" monkeys.  It is time to take a stand!!!

P.S. The recent outbreak of Herp-B at #OccupyCleveland may or may not be related...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Barry bad polling numbers

Seriously, Bams - this is important!
[Axelrod] "Where's Bams?"

[Jarrett] "In the other room golfing with his Wii"

[Obama, in the distance] "Whee!"

[Axelrod, hushed tones] "OK then.  Have you all been following the poll numbers?"

[Biden] "I usually use a 5-weight pole, but some people suggest a lower number for the kind of streams I like to fish in.  I like the barbless hooks, too.  They don't hurt my fingers as much."

[Axelrod] "Joe, Joe.  Just shut up.  I mean Bams' numbers are awful.  We need to have an, an... intervention.  We need to sit him down in here and make it clear that he's in deep trouble."

[Jarrett] "Try all you want, but he'll never believe you."

[Axelrod] "I know.  But maybe he'll believe... us."

[Daley] "It's going to be hard."

[Axelrod] "But we have to at least try.  We can't sit back and let the entire movement be derailed by his failures."

[Jarrett] "Alright. I'll call him in."

Valerie returns with the pResident.

[Obama, upbeat] "Hoo-wee!  Can't wait to get back out there on my bus tour and embarrass the Republicans with the awesomeness of my Jobs Bill!"

[Axelrod] "Sir, I don't recommend that.  The people hate your jobs bill.  They're sick of Green Jobs and Green Shoots and Green with Envy towards the rich."

[Obama] "But...???"

[Axelrod] "Hey, don't misunderstand!  I'm not against any of these things!"

[Biden, Daley, Jarrett] "Neither are we!"

[Obama] "Then what's the problem?"

[Axelrod] "The people.  They're stupid.  They're not buying it."

[Obama] "Whaddwe need the people for, anyway?"

[Axelrod] "They're going to vote for a Republican if we don't get things straightened out!"

[Obama] "As if.  They'll never vote for a Republican as long as I am the alternative.  I am The One.  I am Special."

[Axelrod] "They haven't yet built a short bus short enough to transport your kind of special."

[Biden] "I've done a lot of seat-time in the short bus, myself!"

[Obama, to Axelrod] "How dare you!"

[Axelrod] "Da**it!  The people are sick of the high-rollin' too-cool-for-you kind of politics.  That's what the #OWS people are upset about.  It's what everybody is upset about.  Trying to win on account of being cool this election cycle is like whizzing into a strong headwind.  It'll fail miserably.  It's why Cain is ahead of you in the latest poll!  He seems like Joe Ordinary and people are liking it."

[Biden] "Cain?  Don't be ridiculous.  America is a bunch of racists.  They'll never vote for a black guy!"

[All turn and stare at Joe for 1.33 seconds and then facepalm]

[Obama] "So, let's assume you're correct.  Even though we know you're not.  What would be the next step?"

[Axelrod] "You have to relate better to the ordinary American.  Like how Bubba Clinton did with that 'I feel yer pain' schtick.  You have to get down to their level.  You have to make this sacrifice in order to win another term and complete the transformation of America."

[Obama, downtwinkles gesture] "Ick.  Ick. Ick.  Mingling with the proles - how distasteful.  Next you'll be telling me I have to quit golfing and eating wagyu beef."

[Axelrod] "At least cut back.  And maybe take up a more blue-collar pastime like, I dunno, bowling.  Oh, wait..."

[Obama, petulant] "No!  America will accept me the way I am.  If I am too good for them, well, their loss!"

[Axelrod] "If you try to 'stay the course' of your failures, we, and all the progressive movement, will be in deep crapioca.  It could lead to decades of conservative stewardship of this nation.  Maybe even widespread prosperity and a new embrace of capitalism and self-reliance."

[Obama, arms crossed defiantly] "I. Don't. Care."

[Biden] "Mmmm... Crapioca!"

[Jarrett, under her breath] "I knew this would happen.  We're screwed."

Meanwhile, far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore....

[Casey] "Romney is a RiNO licksphincter, Perry is shooting himself in the foot and then reloading and doing it again, and Cain has his foot in his mouth like it is a slice of pizza."

[all others, in agreement] "We need an intervention...."

Monday, October 17, 2011

So tired I can barely think so I'll just link a bunch of YouTube junk

My daughter-in-law is staying with us for a while.  She's been using my computer a lot.  Which is fine.  Except for NOT LOGGING ME OUT of YouTube before she watched a *bunch* of stupid stuff that is now appearing all over my "channels you might like" section.  So if you're looking over my shoulder at stuff I look at on YouTube, you might think I'm a moron.  While that may be technically true, the YouTube junk is not valid evidence against me.
On days (like today) that I can barely stay awake, I watch this vid.  It'll usually give me enough of a boost to keep the eyes open for a half hour or so.

I'm not into Evanescence, but the song works for this vid.  And even stupid French-made delta-wingers look cool when they're rockin' through the Alps.  Ve haff an excellent Air Force ve promise nefer to use because ve are fiercely neutral, ja!
I saw this one on a friend of a friend's Facebook.  Note: I hate Facebook, but my wife uses it and she brought this to my attention.

Judging from the number of views it has, I must be the last person on earth to know about this.
Serious question:  If Cain is our nominee, won't that tend to suppress the black vote?  Maybe suppress isn't the right word.  Dunno.  But there's nothing historic about voting for pResident Obeyme a second time.  Nor much other reason to be excited about him.  Yet the majority of black vote usually goes to the dem.  So I can see a lot of people saying to themselves "Either way, we have a black man in office... Obama isn't all that great, and I don't really want to vote for Cain, so I think I'll just stay home this time."  Down-ticket races could end up being a slaughter.  In a good way, of course.
I'm in the middle of a whoppin' engraving project.  It's gonna take about 20 hours just of machine time.  Then and only then do I actually get around to the hands-on fiddling around.  Which means this would be a great time to be writing funny stuff.  If only I could think of some...
I'm a total sucker for this kind of buh-dadada-buh march beat.

Nugent's Stranglehold has it as well during some of the song.  Am I missing any others?
 In the previous thread, A Pissed Off Irishman noted the anti-Semitic vibe to the OWS protests.  This one is long and has some graphic scenes of the Holocaust. But it totally shreds the pro-life argument while illustrating ongoing anti-Semitism. Makes this one seem rather timely.

If ya don't have time to watch it right now, bookmark it and come back when you can.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Never seen the Iron Man movies

Nor read the comic books.  So I don't really know what it's all about.  But this pic I ran into is awesome.

I have great close-up eyesight, but I can't read it either, so click on it.

Also, I have no clue of the creator but I'd like to give credit and a link.  So, if you happen to know...

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Useless Useful Idiots

Ever wonder why the #OWS screechmonkeys can't seem to come up with a coherent platform or vision? Is it because of inherent contradictions in their worldview? Is it all the disparate groups all muddled under one too-big-of-a-tent?

No. It is because of the Moonbat Rules of Polite Debate and Discourse, Vol. 2, Revised, which I dutifully present to you:

Chain of Hat Tips goes like this: Ace, Weasel Zippers, BreitbartTV, moron with camera

No wonder they accomplish nothing.  However, they do provide blog fodder for those days when nothing else is worth writing about.  Lars Larson made an impromptu visit to these cretins today during his radio show.  He had to do it wirelessly since Portland wouldn't let him lay down any wiring.  Unfortunately, as soon as he turned on his Verizon MiFi, the poor downtrodden fleabags overwhelmed his bandwidth with all their Proletariat iPhones and Oppressed Workers' MacBook Airs making the broadcast too choppy to continue.

Down the road in Eugene, (pronounced "M-O-S-C-O-W") some protohumans torched an SUV which had first been graffiti'd with various contradictory slogans and slams on Eugene mayor (and High Mistress of All Moonbats) Kitty Pearcy.  What sense that is supposed to make, I dunno.  That they've resorted to burning cars a-la the "youth" of Paris doesn't surprise me as much as the idea of them actually mastering fire.  I thought that was beyond them.  Especially here in the damp northwest.  It could signify one of those "apes whacking each other with femurs in that 2001 movie" kind of quantum leaps that make the hippies actually dangerous.  Or, it could mean one of 'em was lighting up his sneak-a-toke in the SUV and had a little problem.  I think the odds are pretty even either way.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Midweek Miscellaneous Musings

Nicaraguan Backhoe

Guatemalan Socket Set

Mexican Airbrush
American pResident

The "Occupy [insert town here]" people aren't very scary.  But still, you should be on your toes around them.  'Cuz there's a lot of their poo on the ground.


So Iran tried to arrange a hit on the Saudi and Israeli ambassadors.  And our response is...  wait for it... More sanctions.  What?  We're still holding sanction cards we haven't played yet?  Iran has been building nukes, threatening their neighbors, funding the Hezbos, stirring up the Shiite insurgency in Iraq (which got a bunch of our troops DEAD), ridin' around on motorcycles killin' their own people, yadda yadda.  And we haven't hit 'em with every single stinkin' sanction imaginable?  How much must a country misbehave before we go "all in" on sanctions?


Or maybe barry is just a lot more bothered about Saudi diplomats dying than our own troops....


Over at Proof's place the other day, I learned that a longhaired maggot-infested FM-type Occupy San Diego protester fell/jumped/was pushed to his death.  In the comments there, Smitty said:

Heh. Or should I say HEH!


Monday, October 10, 2011

Creepy in more ways than one

Heh.  I was just over at Randy's gettin' ready to drop a comment when I noticed the word verification.  Dude.  When SkyNet becomes self-aware, it'll have a "Powered by Google" sticker on it.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Daily Dose of Stupid

Seems like the little shin-dig they be havin' on Wall Street is contagious, and the morons in Portland wanna play, too.  Great.  Here's a taste:

Since I'm in a college town not far away, I live among and have to deal with his sort all the time.  Bad enough when they are American idiots.  Bringing in foreign morons is taking things too far.  With his bloo'y wankah accent, I can't catch everything he's saying.  So maybe I'm wrong when he holds up a little jar of drugs and talks about smoking it.  OK, Limey.  You've been hoodwinked.  If you think that is good stuff worth YouTubing, you're really lame.  Weed should be green and fuzzy and kinda sticky and should smell like a skunk mating with a freshly-cut Christmas Tree.  (I haven't touched the stuff since '94, but I remember a few things.  I haven't *always* been a Model CitizenTM.)  It should NOT look like garlic powder.  Go find the punk who sold you that junk and beat the crap out of have some thoughtful non-violent dialog with him about his crappy weed.

The one in the lower-right corner can occupy most of Portland
all by herself.
These are the people whining about lack of opportunity because Corporate America is such a downer.  Well, whiner, to Corporate America, your appearance is a downer.  Maybe if it didn't look like you've been shot in the face with a hardware store, and maybe if you took those stupid tribal wooden thingies out of your earlobes, you could get a job.  But I won't hold my breath for that to happen.  Even though I'd like to, as your smell is unpleasant.  Hate to burst your bubble even further, but Urban Outfitters is a corporation.  Complete with like a Corporate Headquarters and Guys in Suits and all that.  I'll wait while you process that little tidbit...

OK?  Good.

These are also the same people who have "Keep Portland Weird!" stickers on the backs of their Subarus.  Kids, Portland doesn't need your help.  The fruitwads in City Hall have the weird all locked down and going nowhere.  The latest?  MANDATORY composting!  Yep, ya can't throw away your food waste.  Can't toss the fuzzloaf that has been in the back of the 'fridge since '06.  It has to go in the Yard Debris recycle bin now.  Wait.  What if you're an apartment dweller and don't have a Yard Debris bin?  You get a shiny new plastic bucket from the City of Portland to put your organic arugula scraps in!  Yay!  And since you have this bucket, the City has decided that they don't need to pick up your garbage every week, but instead will only come every other week!  Double-Yay!  Your plankton/tofu nutloaf leftovers get to sit in a bucket for two weeks!  Won't fit in your fridge?  No problem!  Just put it outside to attract disease-carrying vermin and freegans.  (sorry 'bout the redundancy)  What if you're an apartment dweller with no real 'outside'?  Umm, tough crap, amigo!  Put it out in the hallway next to your loud neighbor's door and hope for the best!

Everything about these longhaired maggot-infested FM types makes me want to hurl.  But I'm on an empty stomach.  So I guess I'll douse a Spotted Owl in napalm and use him to light a pile of old tires on fire, over which I'll sacrifice a barrel of crude oil to Exxon/Mobil while checking my stock ticker.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Thank heavens these guys are On The Job

This is artwork I just received that is to go on an award the City of ********* is giving itself.  I, for one, will sleep that much better knowing that these guys are ready to step up in the event of an earthquake, volcanic eruption, or spilled cappuccino.

If you stupid teabagger wingnuts would just allow yourselves to be taxed higher, maybe they could afford to buy a vowel.  Shame on the whole lot of you.

Friday, September 30, 2011

The funniest thing you ever saw

The funniest thing you ever saw?  No, not this post.  Erm, not even close.  I mean, what is the funniest thing you ever witnessed with your own two eyes?  No TV episodes or whatever.  Like, only things that happened right there in front of you.  I ask, because I've had nothing but a steaming serving of hectic on my plate ever since school started back up.  And hectic isn't even a noun.  I'm frazzled and snappy and generally in no mood to blog lately.  So, I'm hoping that some of ya can share some truly funny things that'll make me stop wanting to blow up the entire universe. 

I'll start. I'll hit ya with the two funniest things I've ever seen.  They're tied for #1.

First of all, there is a nice city park about a block from where I work.  Back in the olden days when I had some time, I'd go there and chill during my lunch hour.  One time in the park there was a little girl, probably about 5, who had a goat.  On a leash.  Yes, a goat on a leash.  The goat was small, so it was either young or some kind of pygmy breed.  Anyway, she was trying to walk the goat.  Goat was having none of it.  Little girl was yanking on the leash and yelling "C'mon!  Walk!  C'mon!  You're making me mad!" and stuff like that.   But the goat just leaned back and resisted her every tug.  This went on for some minutes and was quite hilarious in itself.  But then the goat ran out of patience.  It put its head down and rammed the little girl right in the chest and knocked her totally kaflooey.  Into a mud puddle.  Ha!  I would be world famous if I had put that on YouTube but there was no YouTube at the time so now I'm even more angry.  My best shot at fame and fortune ruined by non-existence of YouTube.  Grrr. 

The other event was more recent.  I was sitting in the car while my wife went inside the 7-11.  Out comes a tall, lanky college kid with a case of cheap 40 ouncers.  He stepped onto his skateboard with one foot.  He lifted the case of bad barley up above his shoulder, with his hand below.  Like how a waiter brings a big tray of food.  He steadied himself.  He adjusted the case of beer.  He steadied himself some more.  He pushed off with his other foot to begin skating.  He made it about 18" before his wheels hit the seam in the concrete sidewalk and FACEPLANT!  Eff-bombs aplenty!  Suds on the sidewalk!  He inspected the case and found about half were broken.  Then he really started rattling off eff-bombs.  Sounded like an auctioneer on amphetamines.  Complete with the dejected fist-waving air-punches of raw anger.  I could not stifle my laughter.  He gave me the stinkeye but I didn't care.  It was awesome.  YouTube existed at that time.  I could have been famous and had millions of views.  But I didn't have a camera with me and I probably wouldn't have thought to record the event anyway.  Fame continues to elude me.

By now you've probably noticed that all the things I enjoy most are based on another person's misery.  I'm not sure what that says about me.  Nothing good, no doubt.  But I don't care.  They were funny events.  Ha!

Your turn.


This is working pretty well.  Good stuff in the comments.  Already, I feel a little less like blowing up the universe.  Six's comment reminds me of another story.  But I didn't see it first hand.  Fortunately (unfortunately?) it happened to a former co-worker...

Back in '96 we had our "hundred year flood."  It was pretty crazy.  We all decided to end the workday early and head home before we got stranded, 'cuz the authorities were talking about closing some bridges.  One guy lived out in the country south of town, which is all just really level farm and pasture land.  Basically, it looked like one giant lake and it wasn't real clear where the roadway was.  He was carefully heading south, but the water was getting deeper and he started to worry that even in his lifted Toyota 4x4 truck he might stall out.  So he tried to flip a U-turn.  As I mentioned, it was REAL HARD to know where the road was.  He got a little off and the truck went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out.  So there he was, sitting in his dead truck, not knowing what to do, when a Benton County Sheriff Deputy rolls up.  He explained what happened and the deputy laid into him rudely "How stupid does a guy have to be to drive right off the road?  I can't believe this.  People as dumb as you shouldn't even have a license!"  Etc, etc.  "Now I can't continue my patrol because I've got a brainless dumbass blocking the road in his stalled-out truck."  So the deputy tried to flip a u-turn and head back toward town.  Deputy got a little off and his Crown Vic went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out.  A few days later when things were dried out enough to come back to work, co-worker reported that "the cost of calling a tow truck was worth it just for the laughs I got when that sheriff stalled in the water!!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

If you could read their minds

Click-biggifying possible, even allowable, but not recommended

Whaddya think they're thinking?  Well, lemme tell ya!

1.  Yes, I REALLY AM that happy to be here
2.  Do not be alarmed by my resemblance to Tony Blair
3.  Zere are many tinks in this room that I vould like to burn.  Dat incloods peoples.
4.  Wunner if m' treestand will support my lardy self for one more season.
5.  Let's win one for the Gipper!
6.  Hey, Gipper!  Hands to yourself!
7.  My testicle itches
8.  And mom said my degree in International Jute Fiber Marketing would never get me anywhere.  Ha!
9.  If the Secret Service weren't here, I'd smack him right in the back of that ugly head!
10.  Someday I hope to land a role as a compassionate judge in a courtroom drama series on the Lifetime Network
11.  Thinking about blowing up Kaffir makes me smile
12.  I am better at Wii Sports than anyone in this room
13.  I'm half the man I used to be
14.  I'm only here to make Barry's ears look normal
15.  Eww!  Why does his hand smell like lutefisk?
16.  Chickens!  Comin' home, to roost!
17.  Can you believe I was able to sneak in here?
18.  Whoa!  Should not have done a nitrate popper just before the photo shoot!
19.  If I don't get at least $5000/month in alimony, I'm hiring a hit man to take out my ex.
20.  ???????????
21.  But they said there would be table tennis!
22.  I think I am the only normal person here
23.  Hi!  I'm Hugo Chavez and I lost 90 lbs using Nutrisystem!
24.  No, I saw you take brand new slurpee cup.  You no get refill price.
25.  Darn. If I'd known I'd be in the front row I'd have worn decent slacks.
26.  Wommyn of the world, unite!  Subvert the Patriarchy!
27.  I hope this is just a fart...  Dang!  It was not just a fart.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It finally happened..

It finally happened... That event that proves I am old.  Old and losing it...

OK.  Back in July my daily driver crapped out.  Yeah, I blogged all about it so I won't re-hash the whole ordeal.  In its place I bought a modern (boring) 4-door family sedan.  Major brand, popular model, yadda yadda.  Metallic Gold paint.  I see duplicates of my car everywhere.  I'm not complaining - it is the nicest car I've owned.  Not the coolest by a long shot, but the nicest.

So a few minutes ago, I'm coming out of the bank lobby...  My peabrain is pre-occupied with trying to figure out how far that money I just deposited is going to go...  I grab the door handle and start to get in the car.  My brain silently says "what is all that crap doing in my back seat?" just as my rump is about to land on the upholstery.  Note - the brain didn't say "oh crap! this ain't yer car!" but it should have.

I hastily de-carred, shut the door, and scampered over to MY car, which was one row over.


I used to think I officially became old when music from high school started playing on the oldies station.  Nah.  That was just middle age.  Now I am officially old.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sunday Morning Quarterback in the Evening

I don't feel tardy
Greetings footbaw fans.  Andy has entrusted me with SMQ this week.  That's kinda like givin' your teenager a fifth of booze and keys to riding mower - it'll probably be a bad end.  But, anyway.

Speaking of bad end, my Beavers had a bye this week.  Which makes it the third week in a row that they haven't shown up.  Lost at home to bunch of middle-schoolers in week 1, then got shut out by Wisconsin in week 2.  Sure, Wisconsin was ranked.  But they're Big-10.  So it wasn't like ranked-ranked.  My Beavs take on now-U-C-L-A-now-you-don't next week.

If the Beavs start conference play with a win, I'll go back to normal....
Otherwise, I'm stuck being an LSU fan for a while.  ELL!  ESS!  YOOOO!

As a recent convert to LSUism, let's recap the season so far:
Week 1.  LSU Tigers 'gainst the Oregon Ducks.  Last season, the Ducks put up 40+ points and 500+ yards on just about everybody.  But against LSU's defense, the Ducks looked like a palsy-stricken monkey running with scissors.  Ugly but comical.
Tigers ate 'em up like it was Foie Gras night at
Cajun Carl's Mobile Snack Shack.

Week 2:  LSU beats up the Northwest Louisiana Fly-tying Academy.
Week 3: LSU beats up Mississippi State.  No doubt some sportswriters are voting LSU to be #1 in the upcoming polls.  Not enough to unseat the other guys, but still...

Speaking of the other guys

Ohio State played Miami of Flarda.  It might appear to be a non-consequential non-conference non-game, but the winner gets 50% off at their next bail hearing.  So there was a lot on the line.  'Canes win.  Drug dealers throughout the land rejoiced much.  These are two teams I really can't stand.  Too bad a giant mechanical manta ray from outer space didn't come down and just devour both teams.  I guess the giant mechanical manta ray from outer space has better taste than that or something.

#1 Oklahoma beat #5 FSU.  Not sure who thought the 'Noles were all that.  But they're a Florida school so they'll probably still be in the top 10 next week.  Gack.

#2 Alabama whooped on North Texas.  They should lose a spot in the rankings for only beating them by 41.

#4  Boise State, looking less Smurfy this season, beat Rutgers.  Or was it Inner Memphis Community College.  Wait, I think it was Toledo.  Maybe it really doesn't matter.

#6 Stanford beat Arizona.  Stanford is for real.  They have a reputation for being the West Coast version of an Ivy Leaguer, but they're fer reals.  NFL teams are already losing on purpose to get a chance at drafting Andrew Luck.

#9 Texas A&M tried to show the SEC "Hey, we belong!" by squishing the Idaho Vandals.  Hey, guys.  Know what?  It didn't help.

Norte Dame beat #15 Michigan State.  Please, please, don't let ND start to be good again.

#19 Baylor (wait!  did I just say that?) was slaughtering some screwball school from Austin.  When you're getting killed by Baylor by 49 points and then the game is called on account of lightning, it is proof that God doesn't like you.  Find another way to spend your Saturday afternoons.

Vanderbilt is 3-0.  I think this means that the Mayans were right about the world coming to an end in 2012.

For a Big-10 team, I don't mind Iowa too much.  Prolly 'cuz they remind me of my Steelers.  Who also won today.

Georgia beat Coast Carolina by 59.  But Coast Carolina shut 'em out in the 4th quarter.  Tells me that the Bulldawgs just don't know how to finish off an opponent.

Sunshine and Chance are still Beaver fans.  And that's a wrap!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

A man of my word and SMQ preview

Many of you also read Andy's Place.  So many of ya already know of the little deal I made with Andy: that if his LSU Tigers beat the detestable ducks in week 1, I would don the fabled LSU chickenhat and post pixelated proof to all the world.  Well, that's exactly what happened.  Below are the pictures.  Obligatory FDA notice: viewing these is not recommended for people with high cholesterol, compromised immune systems, or incontinence problems...

Lookee me!  I'm a tough gangsta just like all those SEC
kiddies and if you look close you can see
where my chimichanga exploded on my shirt

OK.  That was fun.  For a second or two... Now what?
Oh, yeah!  Me gots idea!
Death to ducks!  Death to all things ducklike!!!!
(Unfortunately, this camera angle doesn't capture the full
intensity of my duckdeath scowl)
Andy also guilt-tripped asked my nicely to take over Sunday Morning Quarterback chores this week.  I've agreed.  Good Lord willin' and the Earth don't warm, that'll be up tomorrow.  Yes, I've saved a couple chickenpix for that glorious event.  In the meantime, I wanna know what are your thoughts on all this conference realignment stuff going on.  The way I see it, the Big 12 was the first attempt at making a Super Conference.  We see how that's working out...

Now the Texas fAggies want into the SEC.  And the Oklahoma schools are actually yappin' 'bout joining the Pac-12.  Ugh.  When the Arizona schools joined in 1978, one could argue that they were kinda Pacificky enough to qualify, 'cuz to the west there was only a couple hundred miles of Mexico Southern California between them and the beach.  And to the south there was only a couple hundred miles of Mexico between them and the Gulf of California which is actually Mexican waters so you can see how it gets confusing.  The Oklahoma schools will have to ride the train to the Mississsippi and then float around the Yucatan and go through the Panama Canal and then north a long ways just to even get to the Gulf of California.  Scheduling nightmare and not very Pacificky. At all.

Ye who wouldst moveth the Okie schools to the Pac-12, unto thee I doth elevate mine centremost badfinger!

Plus, I don't like the idea of two orange-n-black OSUs in the same conference.  'Specially when the new one is better than the old one.  And I gotta ask Staci (thanks for the follow!) what the bloody heck is "Boomer Sooner!"??  I've heard of Boomer Esiason.  And I know that Sooner or later everybody ends up in the Pac-X conference.  But I don't understand the connect...

PS - that's a real 48-star flag in the background.  My great uncle worked at Mare Island Naval Shipyard during WWII.  That flag was going to be used on a war vessel but we nuked the Japs before the ship was finished so he ended up with the flag.  I don't want to display it where it could be damaged so nowadays it does duty obscuring the nasty old paneling that remains on just one wall in my place.


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