Monday, November 28, 2011

Cats and dogs living together (and other odorless, colorless, flavorless filler content)

Unvarnished truth escapes lips of democrat, "End of the World" prophecies hardest hit.  A democrat speaking truth is a trigger event, like Ash picking up the Necronomicon without saying the magic words.  Democrat truth-telling was supposed to be that supreme improbability that would cause the universe to fold inwards on itself and collapse into nothingness.  The Mayans said this wouldn't happen until 2012 (in other words "after the elections"). But here it is, happening in 2011, and now the Mayans look really stupid, the universe missed its cue, and the whole cosmic calendar has been knocked totally fubar.  I don't know how this will all pan out, but I'm sure no good will come of it.


The Civil War was on ABC this weekend.  Man, I hope it was just regional coverage and not national.  Hate to think that the whole country might have seen that debacle.  What a rotten season.  3-9 record.  No bowl game.  Again.  Guess we can go back to being a Basketball Schooltm.  Again. We're 5-1 so far at hoops, with the only loss on the road against Vandy.  And even that was due only to a lucky last-second shot.  Hasn't been this much excitement around the b-ball program since the mid-'90s.  We were (quietly) one of the winningest teams for decades, from the '40s through the '80s.  Almost always ranked, almost always going to the tourney.  Then Gary Payton graduated and things got sketchy for a couple seasons.  Things were looking up in the mid-'90s, but then all in one off-season one kid blew out his knee, another kid dropped dead from a sudden heart condition, another kid transferred out, another sophomore kid went pro, and another kid went to prison for armed robbery - that moron called Domino's to have a pizza delivered to his own house, and then drew a gun on the delivery guy and took the pizza without paying for it.  Wow.  The entire starting 5 gone just like that.  And we've pretty much sucked every year since.  Until now.  Whooo!


Some interesting comments in the Newt post from the other day.  But I stick to my previous position: he doesn't deserve the presidency.  Egads! innominatus is a closet Obamaphile!  Umm, no... 
  • Mitt Romney - Not very conservative.  Flip-flops on major issues.  Weird name.  A mechanized automaton without the "personality chip" upgrade.  RomneyCare.  Doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Herman Cain - Great guy.  Gives an outstanding speech.  But... Except for 999, can't define his policy postions worth a pthbthbth.  Listening to him try is like a blind guy trying to find his own azz on a map of Tuscon using Google Street View and a telescope.  Doesn't deserve the presidency.  Addendum: Just saw this at Hot Air:
    Rather, this appears to be an accusation of private, alleged consensual conduct between adults – a subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life. The public’s right to know and the media’s right to report has boundaries and most certainly those boundaries end outside of one’s bedroom door.
    Dude, if that's the best your own lawyer can say about your "long affair" then please just endorse somebody who isn't a sexweasel and then quietly go away.
  • Newt Gingrich - I dig the acerbic personality and the brains.  But... Has a lot of baggage, and isn't that conservative.  C'mon! Flamin' Denny Hastert (spit) has a more conservative voting record than Newt!  Like I said before, doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Michele Bachman - I like her.  But... she bet the farm on Gardisil and lost.  Little evidence that she can actually run anything.  Deserves some credit and a promotion, but doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Rick Perry - I like him and hope he rallies back into the top tier.  But... He debates like a constipated goat on quaaludes.  Cronyism accusations hard to shake.  Probably doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • Ron Paul - Dead-nuts-right-on on about half the issues.  But... Doublepluskooky on the other half of the issues.  If we could just take the "good half" and exile the other half to the Phantom Zone, he'd be a winner.  Until we master that technology, he doesn't deserve the presidency.
  • John Huntsman - Who?
As far as I'm concerned, none of 'em are really presidential.  Sad thing?  I'll gladly pull the finger lever for ANY of the above over the present pResident.  Like Frank J. said at IMAO:
We have a bunch of bad choices for the GOP nomination. On the other hand, the Democrats have only one horrible choice.

True story - Thought for sure I was going to end up in a fistfight.  Sunday at 6:10 AM I was at my early grunt-work restaurant job, taking some trash out to the dumpster.  Next thing I know, some psycho gets  REALLY P*SSED and ALL UP IN MY FACE about the Chevron station next door not being open yet.  When I tell him that I don't work there and can't help him, he gets all puffed up and starts giving me the "Whaddya scared of?" crap.  (My only fear was that his stupid might be contagious.)  So I took off (in the most manly and threatening way possible, of course) my stupid gimpy little polyethylene food-handling gloves.  Clearly this intimidated the heck out of psycho-boy, as he backed off and got back in his truck while yelling f-bombs about how he had no gas to get to work.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Screwt Newt

Mr. Gingrich was on his way out of my doghouse.  He wasn't out of it, and probably would never be, 'cuz, well, I have a big doghouse.  But he at least was taking some baby steps toward the exit.


This mouthfart passed 'twixt his lips:

“The party that says it's the party of the family is going to adopt an immigration policy which destroys families who have been here a quarter century.  I'm prepared to take the heat for saying, let's be humane in enforcing the law without giving them citizenship but by finding a way to create legality so that they are not separated from their families.”


A person who has entered our country illegally is ineligible for a SSN or other documentation that would allow them to be legally employed.  Therefore, if said person is employed, then that person must be using fraudulent or stolen documents.  If that person is not employed, then that person must be a bum who sponges off of others.  What other possibility is there?  The illegal is independently wealthy?  Yeah, right.

So this fraud and/or bum of an illegal has been sneaky enough and cunning enough and treacherous enough to be able to perpetrate this ruse for 25 years.  According to Newt, that makes this illegal a good candidate for permanent residence.  Furthermore, let's say this illegal has elected to start a family here in spite of these very uncertain circumstances - Newt says *I* am being inhumane if I want this weasel out of my country.

Know what, Newt?

Get bent.  This hypothetical illegal knew exactly what he was doing when he built his life on a big pile of shifting sand.  This same hypothetical illegal willingly subjected his family to years of uncertainty and stress and potential loss.  THAT is inhumane.  THAT must not be rewarded.

And YOU do not deserve the presidency.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Adrenalin shot from nowhere

Hey, long weekend coming up... Maybe I'll actually get to write something.

In the meantime, this vid actually shocked me.  I was just browsing all the stupid vids that Ace's co-bloggers put up in the sidebar, and this appeared in YouTube's "related videos" of the "puppies attack cat" clip.  Dude.  I had to get up and walk around for a second before I could go back to work.

Right then and there, Bambi would've been an orphan if it were up to me. Holy crap! I was ready to crawl through the screen and break that [bleep]ing deer's neck.  And that was even before I read the follow-up story.  Next one of those a-holes jumps out in front of my car?  Ain't swervin'.  Gonna mash the gas and launch that bastage into the next county.  To any hunters who haven't filled their tags yet: I wish you Very Good Luck the rest of this season and a freezer full of yummy, yummy Dead A-hole.

Friday, November 18, 2011

And I don't even drink!

I gotta serious case of flask envy going on, and I don't even drink!  As an engraver, personalizing a hip flask for a customer is pretty common.  Usually they are groomsman's gifts, other times it is an overzealous frat boy or the like.  Most of them are 5 to 8 ounces.  This one is 64!  Half a flamin' gallon!  Never seen anything like it.  And I shudder to think what kind of hip it is intended to accompany...

[fighting temptation to link a pic of MichelleO]

[fighting temptation to link pic of Debbie Whatshername Schultz]

[temptations overcome.  narrowly...  (unlike their hips) ]

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Science Geeks Rule!

Linus Pauling at age 17.  Pic from the Linus Pauling Centenary at OSU

Alternate post title: "Possibly the coolest thing this engraver has ever worked on"

So a guy is cleaning out some space in a building at OSU.  He stumbles across a handwritten letter that reads:

Corvallis - Saturday 16 Jan. 1982

The old Chem. B'ld'g was unlocked.  I sat and stood for half an hour in the room on the second floor where I first saw my sweet love, 60 years ago today, less two days.  I stood at the front of the room and repeated my first words: "Will you please tell me what you know about ammonium hydroxide, Miss..." (I then looked at my class book and selected one of the 25 names at random) "...Miller?"  Ava Helen Miller made a good answer.  This chance meeting has determined the nature of my life.

Linus Pauling

Pretty cool, eh?  I'm in the middle of turning that note into a permanent plaque that'll be displayed somewhere on campus.  Pauling may have had some lefty tendencies, but none can argue his genius.  And this is a pretty slick way for a geek to break the ice with the ladies!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Apologies are in order

Dear citizens, travelers, longshoreman, and other inhabitants of Mos Eisley Spaceport:

In 1977, I famously said of you

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

OK, that's over 35 years ago.  You'd think things would be forgotten.  But this is the Age of the Internet, where every stupid action and every dumb deed is Forever.  Words come back to haunt you like a bad bowl of borscht.  Truth is, I can now go to #occupy_[anyplace] and encounter far more wretchedness, more hives, more scumminess, and certainly more villainy as well.

Long and short of it, I should not have used the word "never" in that quote.  As a Jedi, it is my duty to live an honest and forthright life.  So I apologize and beg your forgiveness for grossly overstating your wretchedness.  (Except you, Greedo.  You're still a buttstain).  And please don't lawyer-up and come after me for slander or libel or any of that crap.  I am an itinerant hero - nearly penniless.  And my 401k has gotten, like, really raped the last couple years.  So, please, please, accept this most heartfelt apology.


Obi-Wan ("Ben") Kenobi

cc: NYT Editorial Board; Law Offices of Crook and Bender, LLC

PS - Hey Darth, instead of zapping Alderaan, how 'bout we thumbwrestle?  If I win, you zap Zuccotti Park instead.  Text  me and let me know, K?

Heh.  I feel a strange disturbance in the force - like millions of hippies, suddenly incinerated.  Along with a lot of body lice and a couple of rats.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Barry miserable summit

The pResident and various heads-of-state are in Cannes (pronounced "KHAAAAAN!") in the south of France for the G20 Summit.  After another day of futile discussions, the leaders are having a formal dinner.  A waitress brings the first course.

[Waitress] "Here is ze special French deenair for ze special guests"

[Obama, to waitress] "Mercy bo-coo-coo-ka-choop"

[Sarkozy laughs]

[Merkel glares, disapprovingly]

[Obama] "C'mon, Angie!  That was funny!"

[Merkel] "I am German.  I do not laugh."

[Obama] "You remind me of Angela Landsbury.  Are you two related?"

[Merkel, facepalm]

[French PM Sarkozy] "Meestair pResidahnt Obama, ze central banks of Europe are unable to cope with ze masseeve Greek debt probe-lems.  Unless ze Americans help, ze Euro is soon no more."

[Omaba] "Sarko, my people don't have much appetite for more debt.  We might be able to help with Greece, but after that, I doubt it.  We may be the world's largest economy, but we can't bail out Spain or Italy, or for that matter, France."

[Sarkozee] "Oui, oui, you always remind us." [eyeroll] "You have ze beeggest economee, ze beeggest militaree, ze beeggest zis and ze beeggest zat.  And I remind you, vouz also have ze beeggest spouse.  Her butt-tocks are unnaturally beeg.  My wife is soopairmodell, while yours...  how to say in English..." [pensive pause] " is like your wife's face is on fyair, and a strong man come to exteenguish ze flames, using only a wet crowbar."

[Merkel busts out laughing]

[Obama] "Ha ha.  Ang?  I thought you didn't laugh."

[Merkel] "Nien.  But, that was funny."

The waitress arrives with the next course of the meal.

[Obama, nodding in thanks to waittress] "Donkeyshown"

[Waitress, faux German accent] "Bitter"

[Obama, rapidly] "Clinger"

[Waitress, rapidly] "Radar O'Reilly"

[Obama, rapidly] "Colonel Potter"

[Waitress, rapidly] "Harry Potter"

[Obama, rapidly] "Occupy Wall Street"

[Waitress, rapidly] "What?  I said 'Harry Potter' not 'hairy pooter' "

[Obama] "Sorry, your accent kinda got me on that one."

[Waitress, indignantly] "Meestair pResidahnt, you are in Frahnce.  Vouz are the one with ze accent."

[Obama, dumbfounded stare]

[Merkel] "It is evident that these discussions are going nowhere."

Some days later, back in DC

[MichelleO] "How'd the big G20 summit go?"

[Obama] "Terrible.  The whole global economy is going to explode in my face right before election time."

[MichelleO] "I've been wanting to talk to you about that.  Are you really sure you even want to run again?  I'd be totally OK with you just serving one term."

[Obama] "Yeah, me pretending to be hetero-  all this time has been pretty hard on both of us.  Dunno if I can do it for another four years."

[MichelleO] "Me either."

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Time for another one of *those* posts

I am become Boredom, Destroyer of Blogs.


Lessee here... Cain may or may not have said and/or done something that may or may not have risen to the level of S.H.  but it is all anybody wants to talk about.  Bleh.


Do you know what I hate?  Lemme tell ya...
  • I hate when I find a cool blog and they immediately go on a posting hiatus right after I discover them.
  • I hate it when I'm reading one of the "big blogs" and I come up with an Extremely Funny Comment but it as after the thread is pretty much dead so nobody ever sees it.
  • I hate it when I'm at somebody's house and they're really into a TV show they have on their DVR and they're trying to FF through the commercials, but one of the commercials is a commercial for the show they're watching.  They see their beloved characters on so they stop FF'ing only to realize they've been duped and there's still an ad for Subway and an ad for a mattress sale to sit through.
  • I hate it when the unnamed person above does that over and over at every commercial break.


Teacher: Bobby, what did you do this weekend?

Bobby:  I found a dead cat.

Teacher:  Really?  How did you know it was dead?

Bobby:  I pissed in its ear and it didn't even move!

Teacher:  You did what?!

Bobby:  Yeah, I leaned over close to it and went "Pssst!!" right in its ear and it didn't even flinch.


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