Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Something barry rotten in Denmark

[MichelleO, into cellphone] "Barry, we got us some major problems!"

[Obama] "Oh no! What's up? Hijacked?"

[MichelleO] "No, fool! We touched down hours ago. But everything about this trip has sucked! You need to get your scrawny chicken-legged self over here ASAP!"

[Obama] "But, I, I, I have stuff I have to attend to. Afghanistan isn't going so good. I need to decide whether to send 5 more troops or only 3. And ACORN is getting beat up real bad. Real bad. I'm worried they're gonna sing."

[MichelleO] "Listen to me! Get yourself in that spiffy ride of yours and get on over here. They're seriously talkin' crap about having the 'lypics in Rio! I keep telling them, nah, nah, nah you're gonna have them in Chicago, but they keep saying Rio."

[Obama] "If I take the plane, they'll also have to send the backup plane, and all the comm gear, and, and, it'll just make me look stupid when I'm whining about global warming. You're going to have to just charm them yourself." [Romantic voice] "Babes, you are sooooooo beautiful. You are sooooooo charming. You can win them over. You don't need me."

[MichelleO] "I know I don't need you. But I was as nice as I know how to be. I only broke one chair the whole time. But they're going to give it to Rio! I don't care 'bout no global warming. I'm gonna warm your backside with my bare hand if you don't over here NOW! Are you the President of the World or not? Get over here and straighten these guys out!"

[Obama] "OK. I'm on my way. See ya in a few hours. Bye"

[MichelleO] "Don't you go hanging up on me! I ain't done talkin'!"

[Obama] "Sorry."

[MichelleO] "Right off the bat, things have gone bad. Me 'n Oprah were trying to enjoy the flight with some caviar, but the champagne wasn't hardly chilled at all. And there was a piece of arugula that wasn't crisp enough. And my staff of 24 aides and advisors just kept yakking the whole flight, and the beep-beep of their blackberries was driving me nuts. The wi-fi on board was sketchy, so it took a long time to check my Facebook. The Blu-Ray died so we had to watch the DVDs in standard def. Standard def! Can you believe this crap? Then when we landed, our private tour guide smelled kinda like funyons. And everybody here is pasty white and dressed like Dieter from Sprockets. It's nerd-o-rama here. Some of the streets aren't even paved, they got these lame-ass cobblestone things. I ordered wagyu beef, medium rare. I got wagyu beef, medium. Then they gave us a private tour of some big cathedral. They said Martin Luther himself once preached there. I told 'em straight up that the good Reverend King wouldn't waste his time preaching to all these wannabe bohemians. It's been one big pain in the butt. The most expensive sneakers I can find are Adidas, and they're only like 200 euros. What's that, about fifty bucks? I can't be seen in no $50 adidas! I'm just about sick of having to make all these
sacrifices. That's why YOU need to get over here!"

[Obama] "Dear, I really had no idea it would be such an ordeal. Let me be perfectly clear, this is not the trip to Denmark I used to know. I would never willingly subject you to such harsh treatments. Surely there has been at least one good thing to come of this. Right?"

[MichelleO] "Well, there was this one gypsy street vendor lady selling clothes. I bought this really cool dress. The print is fuschia, muave and chartuese, in this kinda funky cubist zebra stripe pattern. With bright orange piping on the seams. The belt is made of actual fishhooks. I'm gonna save it for the next formal event we attend. Like maybe a funeral."

[Obama] "See? Now why don't you just go slip into that sexy dress and I'll be there in no time!"

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Thoughts on Sarah Palin

She's still making news, with a book due out just in time for Christmas. (hint-hint) I am a Palin fan, but this morning a question popped into my head: Why? Why am I a Palin fan? If she were to run again for elected office, I don't feel like I really know how she'd govern. I just like her. There's something unsatisfactory about that - while I know I'd vote for her in a heartbeat, part of me would be saying that's no better than people voting for Obama just 'cuz they 'like' him. So I'm hoping the book will spell out her positions clearly.

As an example of the questions I have, we know that she's a social conservative (not a bad thing, by my reckoning) that also has a individualist/state's rights streak (very much not a bad thing, by my reckoning). Which of those aspects of her beliefs would prevail in her policies? I find myself often being pulled in both of these directions, even to the point of struggling to define where I land on the liberty/morality spectrum. This puts me all over the place on the issues. I think she might be in the same boat, and I hope her book discusses these things.

Right or wrong, I also kind of see her like I see Sarah Connor or Ripley from the Alien movies: an ordinary mom-figure, pressed into dire straits and heroically warding off relentless attacks. That invokes a real visceral kind of sympathy, and I find myself genuinely rooting for her to prevail. I know, I know - crummy reason to support a political figure. Hopefully the book is heavy on policy and light on personal issues, so that I have better reasons for liking her.

I admit, though, that if she came out onstage in a giant robotic forklift machine and told Andrew Sullivan "Get away from Trig, you b****!" she'd have my undying support forever!

Random thoughts that leaked out of my brain

Rush Limbaugh played a clip this morning of yet another elementary classroom singing Obamapraises. It is saddening that so many people are so devoid of solid belief, that they are able to project messianic hopes on a loser like Barry. It is even more saddening that these people would make little kids partake in this nonsense. It is beyond saddening and fully into the realm of outrage that they would dare do so to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic. BHotR is the greatest song ever. Period. Not even debatable. Do not mess with BHotR!


Ever find yourself among polite company, and you have a little itch on the end of your nose? Just a little minor itch, perhaps triggered by your mustache? A little minor itch that only needs one little rub under your nose, to make it go away? But unbeknownst to you, there's a big garden-slug sized boog hiding just inside that manages to attach itself to the itch-killing finger and you're suddenly in a VERY AWKWARD position? Yeah, that never happens to me, either.


A week and half or so ago, afternoon temps were in the mid 90s. Now they're saying that in the next few days we may have snow in the hills down to 5000' elevation. Come to Oregon - We have real climate change, baby!

Monday, September 28, 2009

National Insult Your Readers Day!

One time many, many years ago when I was in high school, the shifter in my '69 Camaro got screwed up. It was stuck in two gears at once. Letting the clutch out caused the whole car to tense up like something was going to explode. I finally figured it what was going on, but I had to crawl under the car and burn myself on the headers and pull on the shifter linkage to get it into neutral. Everything was fine after that. Well, at least until the next thing broke, which was probably only a day or two later.

I feel the same way right now. My mind is racing in several different directions, but I can't seem to get into a forward gear and write anything. Just all tensed up, ready to explode. All I can think of is "hey, maybe you should insult your readers or something!" So here goes:

May the body lice of a thousand ACORN staffers infest your armpits!

There. I feel better already!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Barry UNpresidential UN address

[Obama] "First off, I'd like to say I'm sorry. The United States has acted unilaterally, whatever that means, way too often in the last couple hundred years. But if you examine the actions over the last 8 months or so, you'll see that I'm making America into a very different country."

[Li'l Kim] "YOU LIE! Ha, ha! Jush kidding! See, that funny! I even make Castro raff at that one!"

[Obama] "Ahem... So, where was I? Roll the 'prompter back a few seconds. OK... We are a global community, and we need to act globally to regulate the financial industry. It is disgusting that people are actually making profits in this day and age, while their countrymen go hungry."

[Qdaffy] "Yes! Child of Africa, You are like a son to me!"

[Obama] "So we need to tax every last cent of profit! And we, the developed nations, must act globally to arrest the increases in greenhouse gases before we all die."

[Qdaffy] "Yes! May allah grant that you would reign forever!"

[Obama] "Uh, Mo, that's a little excessive. We need to tone down the rhetoric a little. But I do appreciate the sentiment behind it." [glances off-stage] "Prompter? OK, back on track here." [to the assembly] "Even if that means Americans have to walk everywhere, in their bare feet, to keep the planet from overheating. Even if that mean Americans would have to survive on a diet of crabgrass and mosquito larva. We will do whatever it takes to keep the seas from rising! Who is with me!?!"

[Assad] "This is an excellent plan! You sacrifice for us! Make amends for centuries of death and destruction!"

[Obama] "Um, actually, since we're all one big global community, we're supposed to sacrifice, um, together."

[Assad throws show at Obama]

[Obama] "OK, OK, maybe we'll act unilaterally again, just one last time, and poison our own economy without affecting yours."

[Chavez, crooning] "Caaaan you smell the hoooooope tonight?"

[Obama] "And I make it my personal mission to rid the world of nuclear weapons. We shall live in the safety of a nuclear-free world!"

[Ahmadinejad] "Free nukes?! Yay! I should have let ACORN put my name on Obama ballots more often! He is a wonderful friend to me!"

[Obama silently soaks up the accolades for a while]

[Gordon Brown] "Mr. President, if I could have a moment with you."

[Obama, glaring at Brown] "Who the hell are you? Do I even know you?"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Pin the Ugly on the Donkey

Who do these ugly bits belong to?

See comments for answer key!

This was fun. Five of the six were correctly identified, but the 6th is pretty tough. So I've moved the answers here to the main page.
  • A: Henry Waxman's fingertip warmers

  • B: Rosie O'Donnell in "flattering black" - be thankful this wasn't a nude!

  • C: Janet Reno's cankles. This is a trick, 'cuz you're used to seeing her in jackboots stained by the blood of Waco kids.

  • D: Michael Moore's pelican necksack - where evil capitalist cheeseburgers go to die.

  • E: Janet Napolitano's built-in Daniel Boone Coonskin Cap

  • F: Barney Frank's blowhole

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Pre-UN jitters

The President and First Lady are getting dressed in preparation for the big appearance before the UN.

[Michelle] "Barack, does this dress make my butt look big?"

[Obama] "Naw. Your hips makes your butt look big. The dress makes you look like you were caught in the blast radius of a tragic Skittles Factory explosion."

[Michelle strikes Klingon battle stance briefly before charging the President, yelling] "GRAWW!"

[Obama deftly deflects Michelle's punch and raises his flyswatting hand menacingly]

[Michelle, shocked] "But Barry, what's gotten into you? I've never before failed in an attempt to smack you around!"

[Obama] "Look. I'm just in no mood to deal with you right now. In a few minutes I will be on the world stage, profusely apologizing for every real and imagined good deed our downright mean country has ever perpetrated on our planet."

[Michelle] "I've never been so proud! Are you going to apologize to Kdaffy for the Scots holding their hero for so long?"

[Obama] "Of course! I'm going to do so in person, face-to-face. I may even bow."

[Michelle] "I've never been so proud! Are you going to apologize to the Palestinians for them being forced to throw rocks at Israelis?"

[Obama] "Try to keep up. I did that yesterday when I met with Abbas and Net-N-Yahoo."

[Michelle] "I've never been so proud! Are you going to apologize to Russia for trying to block incoming missiles?"

[Obama] "Of course! And I'll apologize to Zelaya for not getting him back into Honduras sooner. And I'll apologize to Ahmadinejad for my tepid support of his re-election. And I'll apologize to ACORN for not stopping those two kids and their HandyCam. And I apologize to you, my dear wife, for parrying that punch a few minutes ago."

[Michelle] "I've never been so proud!"

Help me, crazy liberals, you're my only hope!

Most of you know, Gov. Patterson from NY and President Obeyme have been having a little go-round lately, accusing each other of pulling each other down in the polls. Obama tells Patterson "You suck. You're bringing down democrats statewide!" And Patterson comes back with "No, you suck! You have the most liberal congress ever, but you still haven't passed diddly."

There must be some racism involved here. There just has to. But I am not enlightened enough to discern it. So I throw this out to the liberals and enlightened conservatives (enlightened conservatives? Ga-ha-ha-ha-hee-hee!) to explainify it to me.

Patterson is black and mostly blind. Now that's victimhood, baby! But Obama is the Great Race Healer Incapable of Racial Malice. This is the immovable object (Patterson being blind and "blacker" than Bams) vs the irresistable force (any criticism of Obugger is racist by definition) conundrum. But liberals have this racism thing all figger'd out, so I'm confident they can help me "get it."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Things that are NOT awesome

#1 Democrat hairdos

Addendum to yesterday's post: Woodsterman wasn't lazy - he rounded up some nice pics of shock diamonds. And his site is full of funny. Give him a click.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Things that are Awesome

Shock Diamonds. Those are the supercool patterns formed in the exhaust of a jet engine on afterburner. They look extra good at night. I'd find you a pic of shock diamonds at night, but I'm too lazy. Do it yourself.


#2. Pepper bacon. Bacon has become fashionable. Lots of people blog on the wonders of bacon, but they overlook the coolest bacon of all - thick bacon with lots of pepper on it. I love God and try not to disagree with Him, but I think He should have told the Jews "Bacon is OK, just cook it real good." I'd cook you some pepper bacon, but I'm too lazy. Do it yourself.


#3. Top Fuel dragsters. I admit to not being a real huge fan of drag racing - I have no idea who's leading the points or any of that kind if trivia. But I've seen the races live a few times, and the power is amazing. Something that is never forgotten. It is also oh-so-American in its blatant overkill - Build an 8000hp car to race for less than 4 seconds and then rebuild the engine between rounds 'cuz the power is so violent that the motors can only last for one 1000 ft dash. They used to race 1320 feet (1/4 mile), but the speeds were becoming excessive and guys were dying in the crashes. I guess getting crossed up and hitting a guardrail at 300mph is somehow a lot safer than hitting a guardrail at 330mph. Anyway, I'd look up whose car that is, but I'm too lazy. Do it yourself.


#4 High kicks. Does ordinary boxing now seem utterly boring? That's because they don't allow high kicks. Or any kicks, for that matter. How lame. I don't know whose foot is striking whose face. Referring to dental records will likely prove useless for the kickee. I could still probably dig that info up, but I'm too lazy. Do it yourself.


#5. I'm too lazy to come up with something awesome for #5. Do it yourself.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Talkin' Tox! featuring Nancy Pelosi

[voiceover] "Welcome to 'Talkin' Tox!' the only talk show in the world centered on botulism toxin, and all its wonderful uses! Talkin' Tox! can be seen on pubic access channel 177 and can also be heard during the late night hours on XM Satellite Radio channel 666. Now, here's your hostess with the mostest, NaaaaAaancy Pelllllllosi!"

[.wav file of simulated applause, Pelosi enters]

[Pelosi] "Thank you! Our first guest today is Helen Thomas."

[.wav file of simultated polite clapping]

[Thomas hutt-shuffles herself across the stage and takes a seat]

[Helen] "Nancy, you look great today! And I love the custom bluetooth earpiece! It makes you look so hip and stylish!"

[Nancy] "Thank you so much."

[Helen] "You're a strong woman to remain so upbeat during this national wave of racism we're facing."

[Nancy] "It is so sad. It reminds me of the '70s, you know, Milk and Moscone. My skin used to be smooth and alabaster white, like milk. [Begins to choke up]

[Helen] "There, there, dear. It's OK."

[Nancy presses button on bluetooth earpiece, her face brightens and wrinkles dissipate]

[Nancy] "It's not really a bluetooth. I earmarked a bunch of stimulus money to a nanotech firm in my district, and they made this for me. What looks like an earpiece is actually a modified morphine clicker, like they give to terminally ill people who should probably not have the surgery and should just use the clicker 'til they die. But instead of morphine, the nanotech gurus figured out how to grow live botulism bacteria inside this device, and extract the tox whenever I click. It is pumped into a network of nanotubes I had implanted in my face. So, I wasn't really crying. It was just my flab obstructing my tear ducts. I feel much better now."

[Helen] "It is so amazing what they can do with the internet these days."

[Nancy] "Enough about me. How can we help you?"

[Helen] "Well, that Barack Obama is such a handsome young devil. I'd like to look good enough to seduce him."

[Nancy] "Helen, compared to his wife, you'd already be an upgrade!"

[Helen] "Oh my, you're so kind."

[Nancy] "Let me see what we can do."

The beep-beep of a forklift in reverse. It sets a 55 gallon drum on the side of the stage. A burly stagehand turns to barrel so that the biohazard marking can be seen by the audience. Nancy pulls a very large syringe out of her purse - the kind you'd use to tranquilize a sperm whale - and draws a syringeload of botox from the drum.

[Nancy] "Hold still, Helen. It'll only hurt for a sec." [Numerous jabs in Helen's face, injecting the botox] "Let's do something about those eyebrows while we're at it." [Fires up weed-whacker] "And maybe a little RINOplasty on that nose" [fetches wirecutters from purse]

[Nancy] "There! What do you think?" [holds up a mirror]

[Helen] "Wow! I haven't looked this good since I reported on the Spanish-American War!"

Helen Thomas, before and after one treatment of
Nancy Pelosi's "Nan in a Can" botox.

[Audience cheers]

Last one, I promise...

Nancy Pelorshack
It means "The Liberties are dying!"

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bully gets his

I'd like to say there's some kind of "Don't Tread on Me" kind of lesson here. I guess there is, but it's mainly here 'cuz I think it is funny. (warning: couple bad words)

Kid Teaches Shirtless Bully a Lesson - Watch more Funny Videos

Staying with the theme

Dhimmi O-bam-bam-bam-arino!
Photo circa 1978

Too much garlic?

Everything is better with garlic. Froot Loops are better with garlic. So, Wednesday evening, I heat up some leftover tomato chicken alfredo. "This was pretty good yesterday, but it needed a little more garlic" I said to myself. I'm too lazy to mince any garlic, or press any in those funky garlic pliers - I just reached for the jar of garlic powder. It was brand new. The old jar of garlic powder required the cap to be unscrewed, but this new one was a flip-top. Didn't notice that. Unscrewed the cap and went to shake a little on my grub. WHOOOOPH! About a 1/4 of the powder plops on my stuff. "Well, there's no such thing as too much garlic! I'll just stir it around, spread it out, homogenize it, redistribute it - it'll be fine!"

OK, there IS such a thing as too much garlic! I gagged down about half the plate before tossing the rest in the garbage. Didn't even want to subject my dogs to it. Nasty. My guts haven't been quite right ever since.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Welcome Back Carter

Welcome back,
After Ronnie came and kicked ya out.

Welcome black,
Still sayin' stuff we all laugh at you about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But Obama's sinkin', needs it turned around.

Who'da thunk he'd need ya? (Who'da thunk he'd need ya?)
It's all so wee-wee'd up, yeah! (It's all so wee-wee'd up, yeah!)

Yeah we tease you a lot cuz your brain's startin' to rot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome black, welcome back.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Into the Barry of the Beast

inspired by a comment from Velcro

Undercover journalists James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles approach the White House, costumed as a pimp and a prostitute.

[O'Keefe, whispering] "Hannah, we're at the actual ACORN Headquarters! Can you believe it? I mean, I never thought the corruption would lead all the way to the top!"

[Giles] "I know! I can't believe the White House security allowed us past the gate! They must be used to having visits from whores."

O'Keefe rings the White House doorbell. A butler answers.

[Butler] "Good day. How can I help you?"

[Giles, flirtatiously] "We're here to see the President about some funding ideas."

[Butler, speaking into intercom] "Sir, two young Americans, one of them a very hot female, would like to see you."

[Obama, through intercom] "I'll be right down."

Moments later, the President meets the duo at the door.

[Obama] "Greetings. Welcome to the White House. Come on in. We'll use the upstairs conference room."

[Giles, still flirtatiously] "Thank you so much."

[Obama] "The stairs are kind of steep. I'll be right behind you to get a good view catch you, if you should accidentally stumble or something."

[Giles] "That's very chivalrous of you, sir."

The three reach the conference room and take their seats.

[Obama] "So what's up? You need some funding?"

[O'Keefe] "Yeah, but the situation is kinda complicated. We need the expert advice that only ACORN can provide. You see, I'm looking to get into democratic politics. And my partner here, is a prostitute. We need some money to get a home loan, but credit is so tight. Our plan is to funnel income from the prostitution racket into making attack ads against anybody that would dare run against me."

[Obama] "The good news is, this isn't complicated at all. We do these kinds of arrangements all the time. [to Giles] See, you're not a 'prostitute' you're a 'performance artist.' [to O'Keefe] And you are her publicist. We'll get you a nice big house where you can give 'performance lessons', and the whores you employ will be, oh, let's call them 'students.' We can probably even get them some education grant money, too."

[Giles] "Awesome!"

[O'Keefe] "OK, there's a little more to it than that. We plan on using underage girls. You know how it is, you can get a lot more money for that."

[Obama] "Of course, of course. You can even write some of them off as dependents. Your tax liabilities should be quite low. With EIC, you may even get a refund. The republicans think they are gaining momentum, and you're going to need those tax refunds to maximize your attacks against them. You'll most likely want to site your operation in the seedy, run-down part of town, so we can even give you extra money and call it 'urban renewal'."

[O'Keefe] "Great. We're going to need some help with the immigration process."

[Obama] "Ah, the girls will be coming from outside the country? I can get Napolitano to look the other way. If she gives me any trouble, I'll just shoot her - like I shot my wife"

[Giles] "You shot your wife?!!"

[Obama] "Nah, I'm kidding. If I ever tried something like that, Michelle would stuff the gun up my backside backwards. Lemme guess - the girls are from somewhere in Central America, and you tell them you can get them good jobs here?"

[O'Keefe] "Yeah, we're going to bring in our girls from El Salvador."

[Obama, suddenly angry] "This is an outrage! How could you do such a thing!"

[Giles, confused and scared] "Uh, what is the matter?"

[Obama] "El Salvador? We're only interested in screwing people from Honduras! Get your girls from Honduras, and you got yourself a deal!"

QuickPost 9/16 - Racism on the Left

Hey, all you guano-flicking moonbats! Yeah, you! You're a bunch of racists!

Do you have a problem with Justice Clarence Thomas? with Condi Rice? with Thomas Sowell? with Michael Steele? with Walter Williams? with Alan Keyes? with Zo?

You do? You're a racist!!!!!

"But we don't have a problem with their race, only with their policies"

Shaddup, racist! You've shown yourself to be a rotten racist lowlife and nothing else you say matters. You have nothing to contribute. Go home and take a nap under your KKK blanket.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Barry fractuous race relations

White House media room. Press Corps assembled, waiting for the q-and-a session with the President.

[Obama] "Good morning. Before taking questions, I'd like to announce that I'm going to be on 5, yes, five talk shows this week. What I've learned, is that the polling bounce I get after a speech is pretty short lived. So I plan on talking about healthcare incessantly. 24/7. It will be like one big unending speech. I'm going to just talk about it and talk about it. I won't stop talking about it, because as soon as I do, my polling bounce would evaporate. I will bring it up at every opportunity until the Medical Industry Seizure Act of 2009 is finally passed. Then I'll talk about something else. What about you? What's on your mind this morning?

[Reporters raise hands]

[Obama] "Andrea, go ahead."

[Andrea Mitchell, NBC News] "Mr. President, I'm wondering what is your take on the gathering of racist teabaggers that occurred on 9/12."

[Obama] "I didn't know a thing about that. I was up in Minnesota, surrounded by adoring worshipers who love my healthcare takeover plans. Most of them were local - we hardly had to use any buses, thanks to my friends the Somali taxicab drivers. So this, uh, gathering, you mention, uh, well, if MSNBC or other respected MSM outlets don't report on something, I pretty much have no idea it happened. So I wasn't aware that anything was going on. They are irrelevant anyway. Even if they managed to get a million of them to show up - like that would ever happen - I wouldn't give half a crap about their complaints. Yes, complaints. That's all they do. When I offer up a big bloated government solution to a nonexistent problem, do they offer up a big bloated alternative? No. They just oppose and namecall and complain. Waaahhh. Helen?"

[Helen Thomas, NYT] "Mr. President, I'm worried about all the racist attacks on our beloved Congressman, Charles Rangel. Do you plan to do anything to help him?"

[Obama] "Helen, Charlie has been in Congress for almost as long as you have been in the newspaper business. The first election Charlie won, the electors had to chisel his name onto a piece of flat rock by torchlight to mark their ballots, and the NYT favorably reported on it by chiseling their reportage onto flat rocks and selling them at a loss. That's how long Charlie's been in the Congress. After all these years, he knows how to handle the racist attacks. Which reminds me of another inconsistency the conservatives display: they laugh at reruns of the Jeffersons, where the fictitious family has a de-luxe apartment in the sky-y-y. But if a real-life black man gets himself several de-luxe rent-controlled apartments in the sky-y-y and a resort house in the Caribbean, the right attack him mercilessly. You see, to them, the idea of a successful black man is laughable and only happens on TV. Charlie knows how to deal with people like that. I'm not worried there. I am, however, a little worried about Charlie's tax problems. So I've hooked him up with some advisors from ACORN, whom I've worked with very closely over the years. They are very creative and their tax advice is rock-solid. However bad Charlie's taxes are wee-wee'd up, I'm confident that my close friends at ACORN will find a way to help him avoid taxes and whitewash his corruption. Major?"

[Major Garrett, FOX News] "Mr. President, the Senate has voted to de-fund ACORN, and the Census Bureau has severed all ties with ACORN. The organization has been tainted by scandal after scandal. You have had close ties to ACORN over the years. Do you see any of this affecting your Presidency, or affecting your ability to push through difficult legislation?"

[Obama] "Major, I don't know what you're talking about. The only acorn I know is the little nutty thing that falls from oak trees. Kind of like you rednecks when you were little kids - nutty and constantly falling out of trees."

[Major] "But sir, just moments ago, ...."

[Obama, interrupting] "Look, you racist hater working for a racist hater network! Have you ever heard of a Native American? No? What about injun or redskin? Is that more up your alley? Long ago, before your ancestors slaughtered the red man and dragged the black man here against his will, the Native Americans gathered acorns and ground them into a floury meal. They took this acornmeal and baked bread from it. But acorn meal is kind of bitter. The bread they baked was nutritious, but not pleasant tasting. Here's some more info for ya, Einstein... You ever see a trail of ants? Ever wonder how they know what path to follow? You see, the ants excrete a form of sugar - glucose, if I remember correctly - down from a gland on their underside that creates the trail. The other ants follow the trail and build on it. So the Native Americans, being clever, would place slices of acornbread along the ant trails. The ants would walk over the bread and sweeten it with their excretions."

[Major] "Mr. President, have you been dropping acid? What the heck are you talking about?"

[Obama, angrily] "I'm talking about racism! It always boils down to racism! You white corporatists just can't stand the idea of some poor downtrodden minority eating bitter homemade acornbread covered in ant excretions. You're mad because you haven't been able to totally kill off that minority, yet, and you're mad that you didn't get to make ridiculous profits selling him your empty-calorie white bread and your tooth-rot refined white sugar. You are the worst form of racist - a Capitalist Racist! Boooooo!"

[Helen Thomas, Andrea Mitchell and the rest of press corps] "Booooo! Racist! Boooo!"

Monday, September 14, 2009

Barry powerful protest

White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel spreads the slats on the window blinds to take another furtive peek out the window.

[Rahm, to himself] "Holy Mother of Gaia, they're still coming! There must be at least a hundred thousand so far, and the sun is barely even up! If this continues, there may be a million or more! Egads!"

[Obama, cheerful as he enters] "Rahmbo! How ya doing? It looks to me like the teeming hordes of Barryfans are extra-super envigorated today! You and Axelrod must have some pretty big plans!"

[Rahm] "Sire, those people... Sire, they're not here for you."

[Obama] "Whaddya mean? Why else would a million or more people show up in DC? It sure ain't 'cuz they want to pose in a close-up portrait with Pelosi!"

[Rahm] "I mean, Sire, that, um, yes, they are here for you, but kind of indirectly."

[Obama] "Cool! So you got something cool simmering in the TelePrompTer? I feel like addressing my fawning minions and giving them some of that rhetorical hope I'm so famous for."

[Rahm, getting nervous] "Sire, you misunderstand. These foolish people are here to protest your benevolent leadership. They are the ones that claim to prefer individual liberty over your wise and efficient big-government solutions. "

[Obama, getting riled] "There is simply NO WAY there are still that many racists in our country! I have done WAY too much racial healing for there to still be that many haters out there. There must be some other explanation."

[Rahm, knowing he's BSing but hoping Obama will believe him] "Well, um, it is possible that some far-right political organization may be paying them to partake in this evil scheme."

[Obama] "There aren't enough people in DC who would oppose me, at any price. Therefore, these must have been bused in. This would take a Ray Nagin-underwater-bus-fleet size of a bus fleet to move this many people. It shouldn't be hard to find where these buses are parked, and from there we can do a little CSI: DC action and figure out what's really going on. Get Marine One over here. We have us some airborne bus fleet recon to do!"

[Rahm] "Aye, Sire!"

The chop-chop of Marine One rotors are soon heard on the helipad, and Rahm and Barry get ready to board. Obama "snaps" a sloppy salute to the attending Marine officer as he heads up the steps to board.

[Rahm] "Sire?"

[Obama] "What?" [bonks head] "Oww! Da**it!"

[Rahm] "Sorry, sire. I was going to remind you to duck."

[Omaba] "Little sooner, next time. K?"

[Rahm] "Of course, m'lord."

The helicopter traverses the city in a standard search-and-rescue pattern, with both Barry and Rahm using binoculars to seek out the imagined fleet of buses.

[Obama] "There! Turn hard to the right! Or do I say hard a-port? What is the proper terminology on a Marine helicopter?"

[Rahm] "Sire, 'starboard' is 'right'."

[Obama] "Who is this starboard fellow? What is he right about?"

[Rahm] "Um, sire, 'starboard' is correct. 'Starboard' is 'right'.

[Obama, poised to backhand Rahm in the mouth] "Rahm! I know that correct and right are synonyms. I am not stupid. Skip the vocab lesson and tell me whether I should say 'port' or 'right'!"

[Rahm] "Uhh, I think 'right' is right."

[Obama] "Pilot! Turn right and take us lower!"

[Pilot obliges]

[Rahm] "Sorry, sire. Those aren't buses - you're seeing an RV dealership."

[Obama] "I coulda swore we made big gas hogging RVs illegal. Are you sure? And even if they are still legal, who could afford one after what we've done to the economy?"

[Rahm, trying to avoid the President's wrath] "Exactly, sire. That is why the lot is so full. None of the rich people who used to buy those monstrosities are rich enough any more."

[Obama] "Finally, some good news." [looking through binoculars] "Yoish, that's a huge crowd down there. And they're leaving very little litter behind. Are we sure this isn't some kind of environmental rally?"

[Rahm] "Quite sure, sire. When our friends were there back in January, the left a terrible mess. This is a very different crowd this time around."

[Obama] "Gack! Lots of those people have snakes on their flags! Why did it have to be snakes!? I hate snakes! Pilot, get us out of here!"

[Pilot] "Where to?"

[Obama] "Anywhere! Someplace where there aren't any snakes. Maybe Minnesota or something."

[Pilot] "Aye, sir!"

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Thoughts on 9/12

Haven't heard any official headcount, but there are guesses running from 100k up to 2 million people who raised a peaceable stink in DC today. Lots of places are showing a cool time-lapse vid of a crowd of protestors crossing a certain intersection. Gives a little illustration of the kind of turnout there was. I saw the vid first at Goomba's so I'll send you there rather than just embed it.


Anyway, when one is on one of the big conservative sites, there are always trolls who mock and deride. One of the good guys will cite the 2nd Amendment or Jefferson's "blood of patriots and tyrants" quote, and then the trolls are start up with the "Yeah, right, like you're actually going to overthrow the government" stuff. This crowd assembled peacefully, for no real good reason except to take a symbolic stand. Imagine this crowd reassembled - not marching symbolically , but angrily responding to actual tyranny. So, trolls, do you still feel the same way? Do you still think that your beloved Big Government is immune to the actions of dedicated patriots?


If History has even the slightest tinge of Justice, the big players in New Media will be given huge credit when we successfully restore our Constitutional Republic. There are many who deserve to be named. Glenn Beck, Andrew Breitbart, Sarah Palin, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh and others have exposed corruption and abusive government, and are shining an ever-brighter light on all the general BS in DC while the legacy media laments Jacko and Ted and calls us racists. Textbooks of the future ought rightly mention such as these alongside the pamphleteers of old. The left say it is all about ratings and selling advertising, and that their presentations are over-the-top just to garner attention. I'm not so sure. Go read the quotes from Samuel Adams and Patrick Henry. Do you really think they spoke such words in a dreary monotone, devoid of expression? No, I'd wager that the discussions were quite animated. And I can easily picture the David Frums of the 1700s rolling their eyes and complaining about overheated rhetoric and attention-grubbing, and that we need to just tone it down. Mustn't scare the moderates! No! Turn it up! God bless all the quirky bloggers and booming radio voices and weepy Fox commentators who keep the movement moving!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Thoughts on 9/11

For some reason 9/11 seems more relevant this year. I suppose our country just seems a little more fragile these days. Lot on my mind right now. I think it'll help me just to put things into words. Like everyone else, I experienced shock, fear and rage that day. Mostly rage. I really wanted to hear reports of mushroom clouds over Tehran and Damascus.


On 9/11/07 my mom died. Complications from cancer. I was right there in her room all that last day. Wasn't until an hour or so after her passing that I even realized what day it was.


Back in high school (1987), I did really well on the ASVAB. Not long after taking that test, a uniformed Marine officer strode purposefully into my classroom and whispered to my teacher. My teacher pointed at me and my friend Doug. "OH ****!!" was all I could think of. "John, Doug, you're with me!" so we followed him. "Which way to your counselor's office?" So we led him there. "We need your office. Excuse us." The counselor said "alright" and left in haste. Face reddening, tendons in the neck sticking out a la Buzzcut from Beavis & Butthead, the recruiter started yelling. "2000 Marines held Guadalcanal against 10,000 Japs! If those had been 2000 regular army, right now we'd be eating sushi and bowing to the emperor!" He even banged his fist on the desk as he said "You two are the kind of men we want in the United States Marine Corps!" Yeah, I just about soiled my linens.

Then a few weeks later the Army recruited talked me into visiting his office. He had his feet up on the desk and was reading a car magazine when I arrived. "Let me find you file. Hmmm, looks like your overqualified for anything we do in this man's army. But in the other room there are a bunch of videos. Look through them and see if anything catches your eye." I watched about half a vid about being a tank gunner before I got up and left. I never even talked to the Navy and Air Force recruiters. The two extremes of what I'd already experienced with recruiters pretty much soured me on the whole thing. Now I go to church with this guy. Super cool dude. And the kid down the street who was my best friend from elementary school all the way through college is now a freakin' Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force! I now really regret that I never served in the military. During my 20s, I figured, "Aw, one of these days I'll just enlist." But I never did. Circumstances of life made me put it off and put it off and now I'm too old to do much about it. If you're in your 20s and reading this, don't pitterfutt around with your goals. Whether that is education, career, relationships or some kind of service. You'll find that another year has gotten behind you, and it happens fast.


Last night I noticed on AoS that Allahpundit from HotAir had done a series of twitter messages regarding his first-hand 9/11 experiences. Powerful stuff. Exblogitate has a compilation of his tweets that is a little easier to read. Check it out.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Hines Ward fumbled near the goal line and gave me a GIANT heart attack. What's most amazing about that, is that I have such a withered, cold, tiny heart, it takes a lot to give me such a giant heart attack. Thankfully my Steelers won it in OT. But heartbeat still ain't quite right. Dizzy. Not thinking clearly. Tunnel vision. Craving organically grown produce and free-range escargot. Hopefully there's a pill for this...

How people really feel about BarryCare

The controversy surrounding BarryCare continues, despite Obama's address to the nation last night. Many people hold strong opinions and there seems to be an unresolvable impasse. The status quo is not acceptable, so I took it upon myself to conduct some "citizen journalism" and measure the true feelings of people in my community, that I might be better able to persuade others. Here's what I found...

Just outside of town, I met a hippie named Justin. Actually, he goes by some unpronounceable
Celtic name that means "servant of the earth" and rejects his given name. He was very enthused about BarryCare: "I already have my medical marijuana card. I already have the Oregon Trail (foodstamps -ed) card to buy my munchies on. But can you even believe how awesome it will be to have the government also pay for my weed?! Dude!"

I asked him if he would be willing to discuss the conditions he suffers that require the use of medical marijuana. He was more than willing. "Man, I'm like, so clinically depressed by what all the big corporations are doing to our planet. It makes me so sad that I want to just die and give my being back to the soil. But when I'm high, I forget about all that and write music instead. So my doctor said I need weed to cure my depressive, even suicidal behaviors. So far it is working, 'cuz, like, I'm still here. I even wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Hear it goes..."
I love Obama more than my mama
'Cuz he cares about my needs
Life with mama was nothing but drama
'Cuz she kept stealin' my weed

I think that was only the first of many verses to the song. Thankfully Justin just kind of nodded off after that. I then left him to guard the sacred forest in peace.


Next up I encountered some SEIU members from SEIU Local 666 having the SEIU Local 666 Daily Summer Picnic. This picture of a picnicker was taken just before she (?) wiped sloppy joe off her fat lumpy face using the little flag as a napkin. Very nice. For the sake of your lunch, the most offensive parts of the photo have been blotted out. The picnickers were all wearing their "Yes on BarryCare" purple shirts, so I knew where they stand on the issue. What I didn't know was why. I asked the ogre with the sloppy joe, and she replied through a mouth full of food "Nom, nom, dunno. I just am. Burp. Maybe you should nom, nom, ask the union boss." The union boss just said "Gimme the d*mn camera, man! Shut that s**t off!" He would have likely given me an unholy beatdown if he could have just managed to get his oversize load off the park bench.


Seeking more thoughtful and civilized discourse, I headed for the campus of the local university. I met Francis Figfiddler, Professor of Gender Studies. "I am elated that funding for abortions is included in the bill. It isn't enough to make abortion legal. What good is it to legalize something that is unaffordable?" he asked. Continuing, he said "My, this tweed jacket is warm today! But more and more of my students are confused about their gender orientation. I try to tell them 'duh! you're totally gay! why else would you even take a class like this?' but I think it needs to be reinforced by an actual clinical diagnosis. But being merely gay is pretty well in the mainstream these days. I encourage my students to go whole-hog and have the reassignment surgery. This procedure is very expensive and few have access to it. Once we stop caring so much about old people, more resources will be available for this crucial need. And maybe I'll finally get published and achieve tenure."


From there I headed to the county fair. I was confident that I might find a diversity of opinion among the fairgoers. Just inside the gate I found that the Oregon Dairy Farmers Association booth was lining up contestants for their "Cheesiest Thighs" contest. If BarryCare covers liposuction and radical plastic surgery for people like this, that would persuade me to support it.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

B.A. Barackitch says

Be a foo! Stay in schoo!

Discovered: Original Obama School Speech!

I cannot reveal my source, but the transcript of Obama's video message to the schools has become known to me. This is the original version - from before the recent uproar that made him produce the one full of vanilla platitudes about hard work and not being stupid on YouTube and Facebook.

begin transcript

Friends, students, countrymen, lend me your ears! Because mine are almost as big and flappy as Roseanne Barr's boobs! [rimshot] [laughtrack]

But seriously, kids. I call you 'friends' because you mean a lot to me. And since you are my friends, that makes you a Friend Of Obama. Yes, a foo. So when somebody says 'shaddup, foo!' you can take that as a compliment. I always do. Because I am my own best friend. Sometimes in life things get hard, and you need a friend. I just look in the mirror or at one of those AP photographs that makes it look like I have a halo - and I see my own bestest friend, and it makes everything better. See, friends do things for each other - they help each other out. Since I am my own best friend, I do things that help me out. I don't worry too much about what happens to others. That is called self esteem, and self esteem is of utmost importance. So take a moment and just look at me, your friend and President, and realize, that you too are a foo. You can be just like me. Who wouldn't want that? Just imagine what that would do for your self esteem!

There are some people out there that aren't foos. They are bad people because they don't like me. They aren't foo'd by my speeches or my bailout money or any other foo'ish thing I do. That is sad. Everybody should be a foo. If your parents aren't foos, you should tell them "I'm a foo and you should be too!" If they don't like it, that's OK for now. We have most of their names and records in the fishyfile at the White House. When the swine flu gets bad (which will be real soon) and people need medicine, we'll look them up in the fishyfile. The people in the fishyfile will get the extra special medicine that will help them become foos. Soon there will be a lot more foos. Can you say "foo?" Sure ya, can. Say it. Saying it is fun. Be careful that you don't say it wrong, though. Some of you don't know how to talk good like me, and you might try to sound it out. Remember, it is only one syllable. If you sound it out wrong it might sound kind of like "eff" "ooh" which is incorrect. If you say it like that to me, that means you aren't a real foo.

It doesn't matter very much if a foo works hard in school. As long as you are a foo, I'll look out for you. That's what friends do. If you want, I can get you a job in government. Or if you don't want a job, I can just give you money. Either way, it's cool. You don't have to work hard or study hard. You just have to be a foo. Ever heard that cliché "it's not what you know, it's who you know?" Never has that been more true. If you're a big enough foo, I can even make you a czar! Do you know who else are really big foos? Yep, the leaders of the teacher's union. They really like me and I really like them. So if you don't want to work hard and study hard, at least be quiet and politely ignore your teacher so she doesn't have a bad day and complain to the union. Make her job easy. She is probably a foo, too, and she deserves to have it easy. If you ignore her and don't learn anything at all and get crappy test scores, that's OK. The low scores will show me that there are a lot of foos in your school and I'll send that school more money.

Well, kids, I hope you're all foos by now. I have to go get ready for my speech in front of the Joint Session of Congress. If I say a lot of things tomorrow that are like the opposite of stuff I just told you, don't worry. I'm just saying things to try to make more people foos. Peace, out.

end transcript

Let's all pitch in for Gibbs

Ya know at the bottom of your tax return there's a little checkbox that asks if you'd like to contribute $1 to the Presidential Re-election Fund? I never check that box. But if it said "would you like to contribute $1 to buy Robert Gibbs some neckties that aren't revolting?" I think I'd have to just go ahead and do it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Upon further review...

After reviewing the play from every different angle, I can only conclude that in the case of the Great Presidential School Speech, we on the right got punked. Obama is a divisive lefty weasel. We know it. We've seen enough of him to know that he'd love to proselytize our kids with his ecohealthyhopeychange, and we made a rightful stink about Obama demanding audience with our kids. So Barry backs off - and instead of it being an Obama Youth recruiting message, 'Bams comes along and gives a very mainstream mom & apple pie kind of speech that catches us off guard. His supporters can now say "See? You haters make him out to be the bogeyman! He's not! He's just a normal, patriotic, hard-working guy like everybody else!"

Well, we know he's full of crap. A goodly portion of America also knows he's full of crap. But in this one instance, he got us. Not gonna pretend otherwise.

After the Big School Speech

MSNBC Studios, Hardball w/ Chrissy Matthews set.

[Matthews] "Welcome to Hardball with Chrissy Matthews. I am you host, Chrissy Matthews. It has only been a few hours since President Barack Obama's historic address to students all across America. What comes as no surprise, though, is the positive impact this momentous event is already having. We're joined in-studio by Myron Finkelstein, the 2nd Deputy Assistant Associate Vice Co-Director of the Department of Education. On the phone, we also have Duane Franklin, founder of the supposedly non-partisan group called 'Black Families for Effective Schools.' "

[Finkelstein] "Thank you, Chrissy"

[Franklin] "Thank you, Mr. Matthews. Good to be here."

[Matthews] "Mr. Finkl..."

[Finkelstein] "Call me Myron"

[Matthews] "Thanks, Myron. Is it true that... Wait a sec..." [holds finger to ear to better hear his earpiece] "This just in. American SAT scores are already improving. What's even more remarkable is that the SAT exams won't be held for some time, but the power of that speech is already affecting future events."

[Finkelstein] "Indeed, Chrissy. The President really knocked it out of the park today."

[Franklin] "Excuse me? You're giving the President credit for improving scores on exams that haven't even been taken yet?"

[Matthews] "Duh, of course! How else could you explain it? Myron, back to my previous..." [holds finger to ear again] "OK, more breaking news, this from the CDC: President Obama's encouragement to wash one's hands means millions of people will not get H1N1 today."

[Franklin] "This is ridiculous! Those kids aren't even home from school yet! They've only been around the same kids they've already been around all morning before the speech. How in the world could that prevent the spread of H1N1? And while H1N1 is spreading, how many people were going to catch it today? Maybe 5000, tops? So of course there were already millions who would not catch it today."

[Finkelstein] "You're right, Mr. Franklin. Because of the President's speech, millions of people will not catch H1N1 today."

[Franklin] "But that's not what I meant...grrrr... forget it. This is ridiculous."

[Matthews] "Myron, you have some other good news, don't you?"

[Finkelstein] "Certainly! According to the White House OMB, this speech has already created or saved over 250,000 graduations. Just like the stimulus, this speech is working even better than expected."

[Matthews] "Amazing!"

[Franklin] "I'm afraid to ask how you can claim that."

[Finkelstein] "Well, it is a very complicated model - rather like the climate models that tell us we're about to see unprecedented warming. It is very complicated and I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand. The short version is this: when you see some kid giving a valedictorian speech this June, thank Obama for giving the speech that kept that kid and thousands like him from dropping out."

[Franklin] "Why do you say I wouldn't understand the model? I have a Ph.D. and a Master's. Is it because I represent a group that is standing for black families?"

[Finkelstein] "It is very admirable that a well-educated white person would stand up for minorities like that. Kudos."

[Franklin] "I'm black! Are you stupid?"

[Finkelstein] "You don't sound very black. When you talk, you sound more like a combination of Clarence Thomas and Walter Williams. We'd value your opinion much more if you said stuff like 'yo' two or three times per sentence."

[Matthews] "I feel really sorry for the kids in flyover country, whose hateful parents kept them from hearing this triumphant oration from President Obama. Those poor kids are going to drop out and catch H1N1 because of the rampant racism that lingers in America."

USFS stupidity continues unabated

My faithful and long-time readers may be able to remember way back to a few days ago when I griped about the Spotted Owl birdbands I have to make periodically. Our Forest Service friends in Big Government are up to their old tricks. Last week, they ordered 4 custom "Employees Only" signs and one "Please Use Front Door" sign. They needed to see proofs. They needed color swatches to take back to the office. They had to talk about it in committee. Then they decided that maybe it should say "Please Use Main Entrance" instead, with another round of proofs and discussions. Finally, they settled on a nice sapphire blue w/ white lettering. Should have been no big deal; the whole project barely ran to $100. But not much money gettin' made with all that hoop-jumping just to settle the details of the job. I wish I could tell them to go choke on a coyote turd, but the gubmint is about the only entity around here with money to spend, so I need to, um, just shut up.

So I made their little signs and they picked them up and told me how much they liked them. Then this morning, they say that rather than sapphire, they really wished they'd ordered them in some kind of wood-tone. So more color swatches and more committees. Now they want them re-done in Colonial Walnut. Great. Their signs now look like they're made from the paneling of some '70s living room wall. And we get to charge them you taxpayers another hundred or so bucks. Da-da-da-da-da I'm lovin' it!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Barry grim sacrifice

President Obama is walking back to the clubhouse after finishing his round. Surprisingly, he is carrying his own bag. (Don't laugh yet, that's not supposed to be funny). He is met by his Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel.

[Rahm] "Sire, how did you shoot?"

[Obama] "Well, let me be perfectly clear: If my bowling score equaled my golf score, I'd be on the Pro Bowling tour."

[Rahm] "Ouch. I have some other unsettling news, sire. I hate to be the one that must bear it, but our friend Zogby reports that you approval has fallen to 42% in a recent poll."

[Obama] "What? That has to be a mistake. I am universally adored!" [raises hands, tilts head back as one receiving a standing ovation]

[Rahm] "M'lord, we do believe it is a mistake, too. Rasmussen actually has you a few points higher. We should probably put more trust in Rasmussen's figures."

[Obama] "Either way, we must act swiftly. Gather the whole crew - cabinet, czars and all. I need to get out of these dorky golf clothes and into some comfortable mom jeans then I'll be right over."

[Rahm] "Of course, sire. Right away, sire." [Rahm pulls phone from pocket and begins making calls as he minces off in demi pointe steps]

Later that afternoon, the rogue's gallery is assembled...

[Obama] "Folks, we, um, have a really big problem. OK, maybe I should say I have a really big problem, which means the sword is going to fall on one of you."

EZkill Emanuel and John Holdren spring from their seats with hands raised like overeager second graders who know an answer.

[EZkill and Holdren, elbowing each other] "Pick me! No, pick me! Let me be the one to lop somebody's head off! No, mom said it was my turn to kill people!]

[Obama] "Excuse me. I spoke inartfully. I believe I should have said that one of you needs to fall on the sword."

[collective silence]

[Obama] "We've done masterfully at silencing the MSM to our radical agenda. But the radio hosts, bloggers, and that Blenn Geck dude on Fox have been causing us a lot of headaches. It is time to sacrifice a pawn to improve our position on the big chessboard of life."

[Rahm] "Sire, the chessboard metaphor is brilliant! Brilliant! You even said that without prompting from a teleprompter! Marvelous!"

[Obama] "Relax, Rahm. You're my favorite brown-nosing pawn. You'd be the last to go."

[Rahm heaves a big sigh and leans back in his ergonomic chair made from 100% recycled materials]

[Obama] "But, like the many yet-unfilled positions in my administration, there remain unfilled positions under the bus. Today we fill one of those positions."

[Rahm] "Sire, I beg thee, wouldn't it be better to fight? To clamp down on bloggers and talk radio?"

[Obama, flaring with rage, leaps the table and begins pummeling Rahm] "We" [punch] "will" [punch] "not" [punch] "fight!" [punch] "We" [punch] "will" [punch] "APPEASE!!!" [punch][punch]

[Obama, collecting himself] "Anymore stupid suggestions? Anyone else care to act stupidly?"

[hush falls about the room]

[Obama] "Don't you get it? Don't you see why I have so many czars? I can throw one of you to the wingnut wolves once in a while and totally deflect the criticism away from my self!! I remain above the fray! Even a crappy chess player could dominate if he had, like, 37 pawns on the board. You are the pawns. I am the KING. Capiche?"

[Biden] "Sir, I'm in total agreement, sir! Who shall be the one to receive the bus tracks across his/her back?"

[Obama] "I've already drawn straws. The loser is Van Jones."

[Biden] "No! No [bleep]ing way!"

[Obama] "Joe, I didn't realize you had such a high opinion of Mr. Jones."

[Biden] "Sir, that's not it at all. I think the guy is a first-order putz. But down at O'Reilly's Irish Pub we had a little gambling pool. I had bet that Jones would make it through the weekend and get booted on Wednesday, just before you big address to the Joint Session of Congress. Now, I've lost $20 AND my buddies at the bar are going to tease me about how Van is now eating government cheese down by the river! It's more than I can take!" [stifled sobs]

[Obama] "Enough! The decision is made, no more sniveling! And Holdren, watch yourself. I think you're next!"

Update: Politico, unbelievably, agrees with me. 'Course I beat 'em by a a few hours. And I was a little bit funnier.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Chip Kelly: I Hope He Fails!

Chip Kelly was promoted from offensive coordinator to head coach of the Oregon Ducks and last night was his first game against the Boise State Broncos. For the record, I am a OSU Beaver and I hate the Ducks with the white-hot fury of a thousand supernovae. I rather like Boise State, but I cared more about the Ducks losing than the Broncos winning.

I got my wish! The Ducks looked wretchedly awful. Then they lost ALL composure at the end of the game...

Watch it soon before ESPN has it pulled from YT.

This Beav is happy today!


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Barry first day of school

[Teacher] "Good morning class! It is the day after labor day, and we have an exciting start to the new school year. But first, does anybody know what labor day is?"

[a few tentative hands are raised]

[Teacher] "Jimmy?"

[Jimmy] "Well, labor is another word for work. And my dad made my other dad go outside and pull weeds yesterday. So I think "labor day" means "work day."

[Teacher] "Good boy, Jimmy. But that's not quite the answer we're looking for. Mary?"

[Mary] "Umm, most holidays are celebrations. Labor day is the day we celebrate work. Ick!"

[Teacher] "Getting closer! Johnny?"

[Johnny] "My dad says it comes from those darn commies!"

[Teacher] "Johnny, that's mostly right. Because you're so smart I'm going to make sure that the State Children's Services pay your dad a little 'visit' to congratulate him on his excellent 'parenting' and perhaps 'educate' him on how he might do even better."

[Class] "Yay for Johnny's dad!"

[Teacher] "Now, I'd like to introduce the President of the United States!"

[Jimmy] "Obama is actually coming here?"

[Geek from A/V wheels in huge plasma TV on a media cart]

[Teacher] "Sadly, no. We'll have to settle for a video presentation from our wonderful leader. I'd like to personally thank the President, though, for the stimulus funds which purchased all these very expensive TVs for our school. We wouldn't otherwise be able to afford them because the school district pays out so much in pensions and hush-money to those families victimized by pedophilic social studies teachers."

[Lights are dimmed, Orwellian disembodied Obamahead appears onscreen]

[Obamahead] "Greetings, my fellow school-age Americans! I'm here to encourage you to work very hard and study very hard and be very, very tolerant. That way you can get into prestigious Ivy League colleges when you graduate and you can get a good government job in a big city instead of being one of those uselessss people that go to state colleges and shoot guns on the weekend."

[Mary] "But I don't want even more school! I hate school enough already!"

[Obamahead] "People that don't work very hard and study very hard end up eliding the 'g' sound at the end of their wordsss and sounding stupid and people like David Brooksss won't like you. It is very important to go to the right school and talk the right way."

[Obamahead briefly moves offscreen][Mumbled, barely audible voice of Obamahead] "#$%^&&* Teleprompter! Can't we get a better stand for that stupid thing!?"

[Obamahead back onscreen] "Sorry, kids. I had to step out for a moment and solve all the world's problems. I'm back now. So, once you've gone to a good school you can get a good job doing important stuff like cooling off the earth and reforming healthcare. Doesn't that sound fun?"

[Johnny] "Are his ears really like that, or is it just the TV? It reminds me of when Buford, my Basset Hound, sticks his head out the car window when we're on the freeway."

[Teacher] "Class, quiet please."

[Obamahead] "And since I really like kids so much, I've decided to include you in a very important mission: Most adultsss didn't go to good schools and learn how to talk right. They also don't like when black people try to take over healthcare. Therefore, they don't understand how awesome I am. So I'm counting on you young people, the future of our country, to remind them of my awesomenessss. Your teacher is going to give you a workbook with some ideas you can use."

[Mary] "Workbook? I HATE workbooks!"

[Teacher, very sensitively] "Shhhh..."

[Obamahead] "You'll use the workbook to write down all the things you like about me. Then you can write them down again and send me a copy. I'll use your ideas to make a better world. Now, repeat after me:
I pledge allegiance to the world
and to a fairer distribution of wealth
and to the TelePrompTer, up on its stand
one leader, like a god, never invisible,
with social justice for all!

[Johnny] "Wow, this guy sucks. Dad was right."

[Mary] "Let him fill out his own %$^&(*)* workbook!"

[Jimmy] "I hate going to the doctor. I hate school. I think I hate this stupid President guy, too."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Supraspinous Fossa definition

To the curious person searching Google for this and being directed to my blog, the term refers to a region of one's shoulderblade. The ridgelike part that sticks out is the "spine" and supraspinous means "above the spine" or "above the ridge." "Fossa" means "low area" or "valley." Therefore the whole term means "Low area above the ridge."

Wouldn't it be cool if doctors and anatomicists would just speak English?

Hope that helps!

To those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about - that's OK. Obama is still a liar and the sun will rise tomorrow. That's all you need to know for now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Waste of my talents

Every few months I get an order from the Forest Service for a bunch of 2-tone plastic strips. They always ask for weird colors with equally weird patterns. Eggshell/Periwinkle with 1/2" triangles. Stuff like that. Drives me crazy. They take these strips, heat them up and form a little omega-shaped clip thing that goes on the leg of a Western Spotted Owl. USFS biologists (hippies, in other words) can see these birdbands with their binoculars and tell age/gender/home range etc, based on these colors and patterns.

But I have made literally THOUSANDS of these stupid things over the last few years. How [bleep]ing endangered can the [bleep]ing birds be if the gov't needs thousands of these bands? Hey, Forest Service! Maybe the birds DON'T LIKE having a brightly colored plastic piece of crap clipped to their legs and messing up their natural camouflage! Ya think maybe that yellow/black band with the zigzag pattern might just look like an "I'm right here, Mr. Big Scary Predator, come dine on my tasty owl flesh!" neon sign? Maybe they're so endangered 'cuz you won't leave them alone! Maybe they're dying off because your bright little band thingy alerts the owls' prey in time for them to hide! Does that kind of thing even occur to you, hippie? Nah. You just want to keep making fat gov't money walking around in the woods hassling birds and picking ticks of your hippie co-workers. Up with the finger to the whole lot of you!

Barry failing at unsustainable rate

Rasmussen's latest. How does 45% sound? I like it. Instead of the "daily tracking poll" Rasmussen should give it a better name like "daily joy generator" or "today's happy fun numbers." It's like there's a new present under the tree. Every single day.

The downside, though, is that it can't last. No, I don't mean President Obeyme will turn things around and improve his numbers. That could happen, but what I'm talking about is that Barry's nosedive will flatten out a little bit. No matter how bad he screws up, there is a certain percentage that will just never turn on him. Some pundits figure that these loyalists are about 30% of likely voters. Whether that 30% number is true or whether the real number is something else doesn't matter much - there is a floor of support that Barry may asymptotically approach but never really break through. Once he gets there the daily tracking numbers will level off and stop going down. And I will have one less thing to look forward to each day. Sniff.


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