Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Get it?

Light blogging. Get it?  Me so clever!

I've been doing 13 hour days at work lately and it looks like it won't let up until mid-June at the soonest.  So I'm not dead.  I don't hate you.  I'm not shunning you like an ugly plague victim.  Just giving you a heads-up that new posts are gonna be kinda scarce for a while, until I can shake a little more free time out of the free time tree.  Adjust your reading habits accordingly.  Or hit the archive.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Flippy Calderón

You've no doubt heard about the outrageous statements made by Mexican President Felipe Calderón.  This whole "everybody draw mo" thing has been fun, and it seems Andy and I happened upon an idea at the same time.  We're gonna ride this meme for all it's worth.  I'm much less an artist than I am an internet photojacker, so here's my 1000 words on the subject:

Anybody else wanna play "Everybody draw Calderón?"  It's fun!

Happy May 20th!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Quoth the cRaven

The beginning of that last post had a familiar cadence.  Took me a while to place it.  Let's see if I can make it work...

There I sat all broken hearted, tried to blog but only farted.
While I struggled, nearly snapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my duplex door.
`'Tis some census goon,' I muttered, `tapping at my duplex door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember - it was in that bleak November,
Chrissy Matthews tugged his member; Hope-n-Change was at his door.
Eagerly I wished the morrow - vainly I had sought to borrow
From the blogs surcease of sorrow - sorrow deep within my core -
For my neighbors had elected morons dumb as fungal spores.
Joblessness for evermore.

And then the nausea I felt, amplified by wide boob belt
Chilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the wrenching in my gut, I stood clenching
`'Tis some census goon entreating entrance at my duplex door -
Not Michelle Obama bleating just outside my duplex door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'Just a second, stupid hippie, headcount only and no more;
While on my blog I was mocking, and so gently you came knocking,
Quietly like you were stalking, knocking at my duplex door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Obamas there! and nothing more.

Barry O. began to stutter, Michelle O. said "don't eat the butter",
Nanny stater, she's so brazen. "You'll get fatter than Al Gore."
Not the least obeisance made they; not a minute stopped or stayed they;
But, with mien of lord and lady, barged right through my duplex door -
Michelle took the comfy sofa; barry parked upon the floor -
Barged, and sat, demanded more.

Then this ebony turd beguiler, of many lies he was plyer,
With the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore,
`Though I promised lower taxes, we will plunder all the masses!"
Ghastly grim and oh-so brazen, "Tax until the butthole's sore!"
"You'll soon find out what the game is, IRS is keeping score.'
Quoth Obama, `Gimme more.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly nerd, his gait was rather dainty
Many speeches, little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet could be so "wee-wee'd" and achieve the Senate floor -
Somehow Whitehouse he attained to, "D'oh! A window, not a door!"
Swings the club and then yells "Fore!"

Craven tells us he'll be bolder, that he soon will seal the border,
Not quite male, it's Eric Holder, spins a tale like bard of yore.
"I like girls, like Elena Kagan, see my wife there, I'm not fakin'

Sorry... this is harder than it looks.  Said the blogger "rhyme no more"

Monday, May 17, 2010


There I sat all brokenhearted...
...tried to blog but only farted. 

Wanted to post something funny today but wasn't getting very far. Then I thought I might as well post some pissy rant. Nada. Just couldn't get the bile flowing today. Figured it would end up another sad, sad day without a post, when, what to my wonder ears should appear? The makings of a RealityPosttm! Wifey calls me, saying that stepgirl had come over to our house to use the washing machine and found the doors locked. Normally we're pretty lax about locking doors, 'cuz, well, it's a pretty safe part of town and, um, you'll see in a second...

So daughter finds the door locked, and goes around the side of the house and tries to slide the window open, but it is locked.  Chance, the 110lb Bloodweiler, couldn't see who it was through the closed drapes, so he freaked out and lunged at the window. 
HE TOTALLY FLAMIN' BLEW OUT MY WINDOW!!! Shards of broken glass spattered our daughter.  Then Chance was so happy to see that it was a friendly visitor, that he insisted on jumping outside.  THROUGH THE JAGGED  REMNANTS OF GLASS STILL DANGLING IN THE FRAME.  Daughter managed to keep him inside, but then she realized she'd screamed when the glass broke  and the sound of scream+barking dog+breaking glass=cops probably rolling up any second now, so SHE TOOK OFF!  Then I get the call and dash home wondering what I'd find.  I was seriously freaking, thinking I'd find a bled-out dog dead on the sofa.  

Whew!  No blood.  No injuries.  Well, daughter has a teensy cut on her hand - not even enough to merit a band-aid.  And the window that broke is the smaller sliding section and the frame appears to be fine.  Just need a new piece of glass cut to fit in it and all will be well.  The shards in the frame are like daggers and it is MIRACULOUS that neither nitwit kid nor nitwit dog are hurt.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Barry needs an intervention

Backstory here and here

Governor Palin began to feel that subliminal pull once again...  Without hesitation, she loaded up her snowmobile modified for snowless operation: 42" Super Swampers, a 6" 'pension lift and the handwarmers replaced with holsters for her pair of custom Desert Eagle .650 UltraMags - each of those featuring exquisite "Hello Kitty" inlays in the grips.  She arrives at Mount Rushmore just about the same time as Fred Thompson pulls up in his little red pickup.

[Fred T.] "Hiya, Governor!"

[Sarah P.] "Good morning, Senator!"

[Fred T.]  "So it wasn't just me."

[Sarah P.] "Nah.  I think we're going to convene the whole group again.  Now, where the heck is that trapdoor?"

[Fred T.]  "Oops.  Looks like I parked right on top of it.  Gimme a sec." [Hops in his truck and goes to start it up]

[Little red truck] "R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-click-click-click"

[Fred T.] "Dang.  Looks like my old truck just doesn't have any fire in the belly, so to speak."

[Sarah P.] "No worries." [Retrieves pistols and opens fire on the ground under the truck] "blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam!" [blur of hand doing impossibly quick reload] "blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam! blam!"

A crater, large enough to crawl in, is formed by the bullet impacts and allows the two to gain entry to the hidden stairway that leads far, far below Mt. Rushmore.  They head down into the darkness and eventually emerge in a hidden chamber, met by William "Bill" Casey, Dick Cheney, Bobby Jindal and Chuck Norris.

[Fred T.] "Sorry we're late.  We had a little snafu up there by the trap door."

[Cheney] "Yeah, yeah.  Whatever."
[Sarah P, blowing smoke from the barrel of her Desert Eagle] "But I took care of it." 

[Casey, taking charge of the meeting] "I've summoned you all here once again, for our republic is in dire straits."

[Cheney] "Actually, I rather enjoy watching these morons in charge flounder and flub.  They're freaking and floundering like a flounder on the deck of my boat.  A retarded flounder.  A retarded flounder getting tazed .  That's how they're acting.  I love it.  Let's just leave things be for a while."

[Sarah P., starting to cry] "But, but, I want to be president someday! And I don't want to be presiding over a ruined heap of rubble.  We have to do something!"

[Norris] "Dick, you're making the lady cry!  Knock it off!"

[Casey] "The TEA Party movement is an important part of this.  We need to encourage more grass-roots involvement."

[Cheney] "I'm not to impressed with the TEA Party thing.  Seriously.  If you get two or three thousand genuine patriots all together in one place, there should be wounded hippies stacked like cordwood nearby.  But I have yet to hear of one stupid hippie getting punched in his dirty face.  The TEA Parties are a failure."

[Jindal] "Mr. Vice President, is it just me, or are you even crabbier than normal?"

[Cheney] "You'd be crabby too, if you had a zipper in your chest."

[Jindal] "Whaaat?"

[Cheney, unzipping his windbreaker to reveal a zipper holding his ribcage together] "Yeah!  The doctors have to go under the hood so often, they installed this zipper so they could get to my heart more easily." [Unzips chest] "See?"

[Jindal] "But, I don't see a heart.  Just a cold void where your heart should be."

[Cheney] "Look closer.  It is small and black.  Like a miniature BBQ briquette."

[Jindal] "Ahh.  There it is.  Sorry.  I could see how that might be irritating.  But back on-topic, I am really worried about the oil spill."

[Fred T, standing up, but disoriented] "Whenever I'm underground, I lose all sense of direction.  Which way is south-by-southeast?"

[Jindal] "I got an app for that" [pauses to read iPhone display] "that way" [points]

[Fred T, facing the direction Jindal pointed.  Pauses like an actor getting into character then erupts] "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWR!!!!'

[Jindal's phone beeps] "I just got a text from back home.  It says the oil appears frightened and is backing away from our coastline.  It is now heading towards Cuba."

[Fred T. kicks back with his cowboy boots on the table and smiles contentedly]

[Casey] "What about Kim Jong Il in North Korea?"

[Chuck N's face goes from serenity to rage in a split second] "I...HATE...COMMIES!" [pause] "Umm. Actually, as a Christian, Jesus commanded me to hate the sin but love the sinner.   I still struggle with that...OK...  I...HATE...COMMUNISM!" [leaps from his chair, and collapses awkwardly on the floor] "Gah!  Calf cramp!  Owww!" [Crawls back to his seat in pain.  Reaches into his jacket and draws his Texas Ranger Special Edition 1911, aims it at his calf, and pulls the trigger]

[Sarah P, shielding eyes] "I can't look!"

A blorp of Icy Hot fires from Chuck's .45 and immediately soothes the cramp.

[Chuck] "Now, where was I?  Oh yeah.  I...HATE...COMMUNISM!" [leaps up and attacks the stone wall of the cavern.  Chips of rock fly hither and yon.]

In short order,  Chuck carves a detailed and realistic bas-relief image of Kim Jong Il in the stone.  With his fingernails.  "Die, commie scum!!!" [Chuck performs vicious heel-kick into the groinal region of the carving, which cracks and falls to pieces]

[Jindal's phone beeps] "The Associated Press is reporting that Kim Jong has fallen seriously Il and is being rushed to a hospital."

[Chuck smiles and crosses his arms triumphantly]

[Casey] "One last issue to address.  The porosity of our southern border."

[Cheney] "Bobby, get on your phone thing and issue me a press release.  Tell the media I will be in the Arizona desert, hunting desert grouse. Tell them I will be giving bilingual bird hunting lessons in both English and Spanish.  I want to share my wealth of knowledge in this area, and especially want to teach illegal aliens all the ins and ouch of the gentlemanly sport of bird hunting."

[All assembled erupt in laughter] 

[Casey] "That's all for now."


Monday, May 10, 2010

Do a good turn daily

"Do a good turn daily" they used to teach me in the Boy Scouts.  Well, as I got home this morning from job #1 it was evident that the dogs REALLY wanted out.  I just just starting to slide the glass door when my wife hollered at me to stop.  There was a bird in the backyard struggling.  It could sorta fly - like a chicken.  You know, get about 1' off the ground and travel a short distance before crashing gracelessly.  My dogs were all like "flappy toy!  flappy toy!" but I (and my wife) wanted to help it.  I think it was a Steller's Jay.  There was another one lingering nearby, seemingly concerned.  I know I'm guilty of anthropomorphizing these screwy little birds, but it sure looked like the one was trying to encourage the other.

My plan was to just gather up the struggling bird and set it down on the other side of the fence, beyond the reach of my dogs.  But the little birdie could fly just enough to make me look REALLY stupid.  Remember that scene when Rocky tried to catch the chicken?  Yeah, like that, except this time of year that part of my backyard is a mudbog with an occasional doglog.  Pretty tricky to catch a little birdie in those conditions.  But I did manage to usher him to a gap in the fence, which he escaped through.  He'll probably end up as kitteh chow, but hey, I tried.

Then I arrived at job #2 and my cow-irker co-worker was fussing about a good sized beetle (about an inch) wandering the floor.  She wanted to stomp on it but couldn't 'cuz she "can't handle that crunching sound."  So instead of stomping it myself I coaxed it onto a piece of paper and shook him off outside.  The dumbazz landed on the doormat and just sat there, nearly invisible on the black doormat.  He was soon to be goo if he stayed there long.  So I flicked him towards an open area, but he landed on his back and just looked really pathetic with his little six-pack of legs flailing furiously at the air.  So I flicked him again and he landed on his feet.  He's probably squished in the treads of a car tire by now, but hey, I tried.

If the Boy Scouts are right, I'm supposed to have done more than 14,000 good deeds by now.  I have some catching up to do.  But at least this one day, I ran a budget surplus.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Stinko de Mayo

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How Napoleon used to make me smile.

See, once upon a time the French actually weren't quiche-flinging surrender monkeys.  Hard to believe, I know.  But it is true.  They used to do cool things like dominate Europe and sell us great big pieces of land and give us neat statues.  They even helped us fight those awful Brits.  They were real manly men, despite bearing names like René and François.  Imagine for a sec how scary they'd have been if they marched through your countryside with names like Guido or Thor.  That's a fight you just wouldn't want to have.

But then a sad thing happened.  Beef Wellington and some other guys defeated the French and some stupid Scandis wrote a pop song about it.  The once proud nation of France began a descent towards Vichytude.  It didn't happen overnight.  They retained a measure of coolness for some time afterwards. Back in the 1860s, as we were fighting the good fight to abolish slavery, the Mexicans decided to do what Mexicans do best - screw people out of goods and services.  They reneged on some loan payments they owed France.  Modern Frenchmen would call a session of the European Parliament and arrange to give Greece I mean Mexico more money.  But the Frenchies of the day said no-uh-uh to that and invaded. 

Yes.  As recently as 150 years ago the French could muster a force, sail around the world, and invade.  Much to their later chagrin, though, the French landed in the Mexican region of Puebla.  Students of Spanish language already know that the '-a' suffix at the end of a noun means "gay" but now non-students know it as well.  The Spanish word "Pueblo" means "village" but the trailing 'a' suffix causes it to mean "gay village" which is actually where the YMCA song came from.  One might think that a word that sounds like poo-eh-blow would be gay by itself, but a linguist would call that a "false cognate."  English speakers are frequently frustrated by this.  Remember to change the last vowel to 'a' whenever gayness is suspected.

Anyway, it didn't take long for the gayness of Puebla to spread like cooties through the French ranks.  Soon they were unable to fight and were defeated by Mexican forces.  Mexicans in the Puebla regions as well as Mexicans in America celebrate this day like it is somehow a big deal to beat some gay Frenchmen.  Most of Mexico does not embrace this holiday.  Probably has something to do with the gayness of the whole scene.  I don't blame them.

In summary, most of the world's evils come down to lazy Mexicans not paying their bills.  If they'd have kept up to their obligations, the French would still be kicking butt.  They would have stopped Hitler in his tracks.  "Troubled" French immigrant youngsters would never be able to get away with setting cars on fire in the Paris suburbs. And kids in America would not be getting in trouble for wearing American flags on their shirts.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Vhat oil slick?

Greetings, class!

Today vee shall explore the principle of osmosis.  Vell, not exactly osmosis.  Vee shall discuss things more generally.  In osmosis, vater in high concentration can travel through a semipermeable membrane to an area of lower concentration.  With no input of energy or work.  Similary, thermodynamics teaches dat heat can spontaneously travel from hot matter to nearby cooler matter.  But ze opposites are not true.

Here vee haff ze solution to the Gulf Oil Slick!  Don't you see, class?  Nature doesn't like tinks to be in high concentrations.  Vhether that be vater, heat or oil, it is ze tendency of nature to diffuse deez tinks.  Nature will not allow deez tinks to become concentrated viffout vork or other energy input. 

So vhat ve need is sometink extremely slimy and gross.  I suggest Secretary Napolitano.  On the logarithmic slimy scale, Frau Napolitano comes ass-ymptotically close to infinity.  There is notink known to man more slimy.  Denn ve arrange an array of Chinook Helicopters to lift Frau Napolitano's ponderous bulk into the air and lower her into the sea near the oil spill.  Frau Nappy is more greasy and oily than crude oil, so the laws of thermdynamics will prevent the crude from moving past her.  Ze slime cannot move from a region of relatively low concentration (the sea) to a region of higher concentration (Frau Nappy) unless ve vork and add energy to ze system.  So, ve shall surround zis entire project viff lazy moonbats.  Moonbats are opposed to energy and are incapable of vork.  Hence dey make an excellent insulator for this project.  Ve shall maneuver Frau Nappy and the moonbats around the Caribbean viff ze helicopters and steer ze oil avay from American coastlines.  Problem solved, ja?"

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Facebook WTH?

I'm not into Facespace or Mybook or any of that crap.  That's 'cuz I'm an ornery old cuss and nobody likes me. And I like it that way.  But a couple months ago sitemeter was showing some hits coming from Facebook.  I tried to follow the referring link but Facespace said I had to have an account.  So I created an account.  And then that link was private so I never figured out who was linking me.  So hey, whoever you are - 'thanks!'.  But my Facebook has sat there, totally dormant, ever since.

Until today.  I've had 6 friend requests (I think - maybe it was 5) just today.  Weird.  I'm extremely uncomfortable with the notion of people actually wanting to be my friend.  Totally squicks me out.  Like watching somebody put in a contact lens.  Ick.  I just hope today was a fluke.  Being thought of as anything less than a full-on snotty ol' curmudgeon is more than my fragile psyche can deal with right now.

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