Monday, March 29, 2010

Splash of the Titans, Part Deux

Zeussein peers over the handrail,  looking down towards Flyover Country far below.  From so high above in his lofty citadel, it is difficult to see what goes on.

[Zeussein] "My eyes are all kind of squinty from, well, you know.  I can see that the mortals are up to something down there, but I can't really tell what it is."

[Napolitanus] "Sire, not to worry.  We have eyes everywhere.  My snitches will provide us with all the info we'll need.  I'll report back soon with my findings."

[Zeussein] "Excellent."


The assembly of mortals is growing in number.   They are enthused but without direction.  Bartholomew the Bright, CassioPalin, Glennbeckius and others emerge as natural leaders of the group and begin to focus the group's energy.  The plan is to restore the full power of the ancient scroll, to check the excesses of the Olympians.  But the don't yet know the best way to accomplish this daunting task.

[Bartholomew the Bright] "I think we should cross the Styx.  Charge right into enemy territory and kick some butt."

[David Brooksius] "No.  That would be doom.  MSNBCerberus, that fearsome three-headed attack dog from hell - whose very spittle is deadly toxic - would surely devour  you.  Plus, the whole thing sounds kind of racist and extreme.  In a really vague way.  Don't ask me to explain.  It just is.  Trust me on this, don't do it.  Be a moderate and be patient.  You'll get used to the rule of the Olympians and everything will be fine."

[CassioPalin] "I'm with Bart on this one.  Let's do it."

The assembly travels for quite some distance. As they approach the riverbank, a hooded figure beckons them to board his raft.

[John McCharon] "My friends, I am McCharon, boatman of the Styx.  I ferry immigrants on this boat so they don't have to get their backs wet.  I am also comfortable crossing the aisle river to work with those on the other side.  "

[Bart] "We're not going there to push for some bipartisan legislation.  We're going there to beat their asses into a fine powder."

[McCharon] "I'll take you across, but I don't approve of this divisive rhetoric."

[Bart] "Shut up and start rowing."

At the other side, MSNBCerberus fiercely stands guard.

[MSNBCerberus] "Yip!  Yip!  Grr!  Yip!"

[Bart] "You are the big scary attack dog?  Heh."  [Unceremoniously punts the devildog, which limps away yelping]

Before they can recover from the faceoff with the three-headed dog, a giant scorpion lunges to attack. It  surprises Glennbeckius and knocks him completely off-balance. 

[Giant scorpion, with stinger poised menacingly] "You will feel my stinger!  But first, would your prefer a sensuous massa-ge or some playful tickling?"

[Glennbeckius, lopping off the stinger with his sword] "Your Warhollian 15 minutes are up.  I cast thee into anonymity."

The wounded scorpion skitters off to parts unknown, and the mortals from Flyover Land continue their quest.

[Napolitanus] "Lord Zeussein, the mortals are getting restless.  Some seek to restore the full power of the ancient scroll.    They have already crossed the Styx and are marching on Olympus, DC."

[Zeussein] "Egads!  They must be stopped!  Reeee-lease the Krackhead!"

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Splash of the Titans

A little background for the ign'ant.

Far above Flyover Country, the gods enjoyed a life of power and privilege in the land of Olympus, DC.  With a mere stroke of a pen, the whims and fancies of the Olympians would become the binding law of the land below.  Some in Flyover Country sought the favor of the gods by sucking up to them.  Some sought positions of earthly power by promoting Olympic policies.  But most resented the arrogance and detachment of their so-called betters in Olympus, DC.  When the gods deemed themselves masters of healthcare reform, the mortals had finally had enough...

[MichHera Obama, Queen of Olympus] "Barack Zeussein Obama, you better listen to me!  The mortals are getting, oh, shall we say, 'uppity.'  Espescially the teapartiers.  You better put them in their place!"

[Zeussein, King of Olympus] "Hear ye, hear ye!"

[Olympians go about their day, ignoring Zeussein]

[Zeussein] "Hey!  Listen to me!"

[Joebidenus, the Olympic Court Jester] "Yo!  When Zeussein wants you to hear his lofty rhetoric or soaring whoratory, that is a big f***ing deal!  Listen up!"

[Zeussein] "My fellow Olympians, lend me your ears.  'Cuz mine are ridiculous.  The mortals in Flyover Country grow restless.  We need to crush them before they can challenge our power.  But there is an ancient artifact - a scroll called The Constitution - that contains magic words which bind our hands and limit our power.  When we are finally rid of that ancient relic, the mortals will feel the full benefit of our benevolent - yet extremely intrusive, corrupt and inefficient - rule over them."

[Olympians, in unison] "So let it be written, so let it be done!"

Meanwhile, in Flyover Country, a band of heroes keeps watchful guard over The Constitution.

Monday, March 22, 2010

We can repeal this!


Ace just woke up and put up his first post of the day. I agree with his points.  Further, I believe that things are gonna be fine, fine, fine.  This naked power grab by the dems has soured many people on the D-baggers.  Nancy has won her little Pyrrhic Victory.  But WE will win upcoming elections.  WE will ram through the repeal.  And it will be glorious.

See, the lefties are having their little foretaste of socialized medicine.  It is like Gollum and his Preciousssss.  They love it.  They are euphoric.  And WE will snatch it right out of their warty bong-resin-stained fingers and stomp it and tear it up and laugh and mock their impotent little sobs.  For them to hold their precious, even briefly, and then it be snatched from them is even more humiliating than never having held it.  Oh, poor moonbat, you were soooo close!  You almost achieved your dream!  But now you have no presidency, no congress, no socialized medicine, no respect, and NO HOPE OF EVER GETTING ANY OF IT BACK!  Gahaahaahaa!  Neener-neener!  Sucks to be you!

I can't wait!

Dressed in black

Black jeans, black button-up shirt.  I'm in mourning for my country.  The gray t-shirt w/ printed American flag is still there, but pretty well concealed.
Barrycare MUST fail.  I don't say this as some mere rallying cry.  There are only two possible outcomes:  genuine statesmen will soon be elected who will turn around our reckless borrowing and spending, OR the reckless borrowing and spending will continue and lead us to bankruptcy.  Either way, the entitlement gravy train is headed for an end.  It is our moral duty to strive for outcome #1.  But if outcome #2 is inevitable, let it come TODAY.  Let the wretches in DC experience the hell they hath wrought.  Let the idiots who voted for the wretches in DC feel the pain for their delusions.  The worst thing possible would be to push outcome #2 into the future where none of its architects are around to see the misery and our grandchildren are left with the mess that our generation voted for.
You don't believe me?  You think everything will be fine?  Then you're dumber'n a Will Ferrell movie.  America's debt rating is headed for a cliff like a "runaway" Prius driven by an elderly hippie.  Take your foot off the gas, dumbass
As suggested by commenter Gordon Durand, part of vetting future candidates should include shaving their heads and doing a quick phrenological exam.  Had I done so, I would have noted Peter DeFazio's vestigial horns.  That might have clued me in that he's a lying POS, and I could have avoided the embarrassment of saying anything nice about him. 
I really like that "you're dumber'n Will Ferrell movie" line I came up with a couple paragraphs ago.

Friday, March 19, 2010

My Dem Congressman is a "NO"

Democrat Pete DeFazio is my representative.  He is pretty far left in a lot of ways, especially on environmental issues.  But he is good on 2A stuff and that goes a long way in my book.  He's actually a really good fit for the people that live in this district - it's really darn blue (ugh) with a little tinge of "leave me the heck alone."  For these reasons he always wins by huge margins.  Today he announced he is a firm "NO" on barrycare.  His rationale for opposing it are far different from mine, but hey, a no is a no at this point.

Though our politics don't agree, I really don't mind the guy that much.  Lefty or not, he is not an obnoxious jerk like Grayson or a freak like David Wu (who thinks there were Klingons in the White House).  I think DeFazio is stubborn (and principled) enough to stick with his no vote.  So I'm off to write him a thank-you email...

PS - This was my 300th post.  Yay for me!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Foreign relations improvements

 Legions of Indonesians taking to the streets to celebrate

In the midst of roiling tensions over hellcare reform, the Obama administration scored a much-needed foreign relations victory today.  In announcing a postponement of his trip to Indonesia, the pResident instantaneously improved his standing with the people of the populous Pacific-rim nation.  "We live in dread your loser pResident come visit us" said Asin Lampung in broken English.  "Now we revel in reprieve until June.  By June the mosquito more active and maybe scare Obama away for long time so we no have deal with him."

Local shopkeeper Lampung Bandeng bucked the trend and was seen moping about in the business district.  When asked why, he said "For many month I go to Obama statue and collect spoor of pigeon.  I store the spoor in old shoe which prepare for throw at jug-eared apostate Obama.  Now Obama no come to my country until June and I have shoe full of...  What to do?  I no want keep shoe until June.  Nor want start over and get more spoor."  His face suddenly brightening, he exclaimed with a smile "I deem shoe already thrown!  Yes!  I deem shoe thrown and spoor passed over face of apostate liar! Yay!"

Administration officials speaking on condition of anonymity say that Obama publicly showing his face neither to foreign countries nor at domestic campaign events appears to be a winning issue.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Barry humiliating plane ride

[Obama] "So, Dennis, what do you think of my spiffy ride?"

[Congressman Kucinich] "It's quite nice, Mr. President."

[Obama] "So what would it take to get you to switch from 'nay' to 'yea'?"

[Kucinich] "Well, as a principled progressive, that is not negotiable.  If you and Harry and Nancy, with these huge majorities, can't even come up with a bill that contains a public option, then I'm not going to help you.  I will not settle for this present bill.  It is corporate welfare for the insurance companies."

[Obama] "That's partially true, but we intend to use it as a framework for going whole-hog single-payer in the near future."

[Kucinich] "Actually, in the near future most of us Dems are going to be unemployed.  No deal, Howie."

[Obama] "OK, how about this:  I use a few billion of the leftover TARP money to get you some shin implants.  You'll finally be able to look your wife in the eye without having to stand on a cord of firewood."

[Kucinich, looking out window of AF1] "Actually, Mr. President, I've come to accept my appearance.  I know I pretty much look like a smurf that got mixed in with the white laundry and bleached, but I'm pretty comfortable with that now."

[Obama] "Personally, I think it would make me suicidal to look as dorky as you.  But that is a whole 'nother topic, best left for another day.  Tell me what's your price."

[Kucinich] "Sir, I reiterate that I am not for sale.  That's that." [to attendant] "Which way to the restroom?"

[attendant] "End of the aisle, on the right."

[Kucinich] "Thank you.  Excuse me, Mr. President."

From the area of the restroom is heard a blood-curdling scream, Congressman Kucinich comes running back with his pants around his ankles.

[Kucinich] "Mr. President!  I really need to do a number 2, but Rahm Emanuel is in the adjacent shower.  Naked!  And he says he's going to poke me!"

[Obama] "So, Dennis...  care to rethink your vote on barrycare?  The way I see it, is you can change your vote and I order Rahm to knock it off.  Or, you can go in there and take your chances.  Or, you can try to hold it until we land.  I'll have you know that Air Force 1 has extra fuel capacity that allows us to stay in the air for hoursssssss aaaand hourrrrsssss."

[Kucinich] "OK! OK!  I'll vote for your lame-o, crappy, barely-even-socialist watered-down junk bill!"

[Obama] "Excelllllllent!"

Census PSAs

The farkin' census.  Only the government could manage to turn a simple head-count into such an Epic Eventtm.  And the Public Service Announcements on the radio really bring out the Italian in me - these-a ads-a really PSA me off!

 The one I've been hearing lately is about buses:  "If we don't know how many people live in your town, how will we know how many buses we need?"  Please, Mr. Radio Announcer, just shut up.  I can't stand the stupidity.  If I have to abide one more kernel of government idiocy, I'll pop like that fat guy in The Meaning of Life.

Instead, how's this for hope-n-change: base the number of buses on the demand for bus service!  If all the buses are crowded, get some more.  If they are driving around empty, sell them off.  Who cares if a bazillion people live in my town?  What matters is how many of them want to ride the bus!!!! 

Ah S**T!!!  Now I've done it!  Now that I've said that, I bet the next census forms will demand we reveal the details of our bus riding habits so our overseers in central planning can optimize the bus schedule.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Voices on the street

Thulsa Dork, Democrat nominee for Congress in Oregon's 2nd district:

"Hey, all you haters need to get off the pResident's back.  He's trying really hard.  That should count for something.  If you don't like our pResident, that just means you are WAY too results-oriented and you need to lighten up.  When it comes to pushing through unpopular and unconstitutional legislation, nobody can call him a quitter, like that quitter chillbilly Palin.

"So, pResident Obama, I just want you to know that I got your back.  I'll vote for anything you propose.  Just don't come to Oregon and campaign for me.  That would be bad."

 Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu, PM of Israel:

"We had high hopes for the young pResident, but he has been very disappointing.  His 'salesmanship' of the 'peace process' has been found lacking.  He couldn't sell watermelon to, excuse me.  He couldn't sell a matzo ball to a hungry Hasidic.  Sorry.  Scratch that.  What I'm trying to say is that he couldn't sell high-grade fissile material to a lunatic imam without screwing something up.  He is a global embarrassment."

George Obama, impoverished Kenyan pot smoker:

"What I struggle with, is that fact that I share approximately 1/4 of my genes with that pathetic loser."

Rufus the stray dog:

"Sadly, I admit to being an Obama voter.  But the whole experience has left a very bad taste in my mouth.  Try as I might, I can't seem to be rid of that aftertaste...  Oh, wait!  I have an idea!   Yes, much better now!"

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Scary Stuff

This was discussed on Lars Larson's NW show yesterday.  Here's a related article from the Medford Mail-Tribune.

  • An unnamed guy gets put on PAID administrative leave from his job at ODOT and escorted out of the building by state police.  Turns out this is the third time the ODOT boss has done this to his personnel.  Co-workers say the guy never did anything threatening.
  • Unnamed guy buys some guns.  Legally.
  • Some anonymous bedwetters at ODOT say unnamed guy is a creep and they're afraid of him.
  • Local police realize that he recently bought some legal firearms.
  • Police freak out and assemble SWAT team of 13 guys with assault rifles and tactical gear at unnamed man's house.
  • SWAT wakes the guy up in the middle of the night at takes him in for a psych evaluation.  He complies and offers no resistance.  "He's not under arrest, we're just taking him into custody.  And, oh, by the way, we're taking his guns, too."
  • Unnamed man is not charged with any crime.  Unnamed man passes psych eval.  Unnamed man hasn't got his guns back yet.  Unnamed man's reputation is now in the sh*tter.
  • All authorities involved refuse to say a dang thing, saying it would violate unnamed man's HIPAA rights.
 So, maybe unnamed man is a genuine psycho and the police intervened just in time to keep the guy from Going Postal ODOT.  Or, maybe, we're increasingly living in a police state where if you piss off the wrong person the full Weight of the Government Juggernaut will come down on you and squash you like a bug. 

Please convince me that I have nothing to worry about and this could never happen to me. 

Burnin' down the house

I keep a propane torch under my desk.  What?  Don't you have a propane torch under your desk?  If you don't have a propane torch under your desk, that's just plain weird.  I don't like weird people, so if you fit into the no-propane-torch category, well, just stifle yourself.  I didn't ask, so you don't tell, okay?

Anywayyyy, a lot of the commercial engraving I do is on plastics used in things like industrial control panels. The plastics are prone to scratching;  I am prone to laziness.  Some people buff out faint scratches; I prefer to just "flame-polish" them away.  Hence the value of having a torch handy.  But today I was a little negligent with the flame.  As I was inspecting the part to see if I'd "polished" it enough, I kinda lost track of where the torch was pointing.  If you've ever taken one of your clueless liberal friends to the gun range - (you know, you yell "cease fire!" and they slue about saying "what?" with their muzzle pointed everywhere but safely downrange) - then you know what I'm talking about. 

Luckily, I "ceased fire" before the desk burst into flames.  But not before it smoked a little bit.  Heehee.

Place your bids!

GanIgetan eighteeneighteeneighteen. Eighteen!
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Twentytwo? CanIgetatwentytwo? Twentytwo?
Going once, going twice, SOLD at -21 to the man with the Gadsden Flag on his pickup!!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Screwed again!

Man, barry and his crew piss me off. Late last week I finally had an idea for an original post.  I worked on it a little over the weekend and even figured on publishing it later today...

The gist of the story, I double-pinky-promise, was that the dem leadership is so desperate to pass a healthcare overhaul that they'd even make deals with the devil.    It was supposed to be kinda like this:  Nancy was b'ing at Harry Reid and an exasperated Harry said he'd sell his soul just to get his supermajority back.  The devil then appears and takes Harry up on the offer, but Harry had second thoughts because the devil's offer for Reid's tiny, dried-out soul was so low.  Then barry said "hey, if Harry won't sell his soul, I'll sell Harry's soul." They share a good laugh and Biden jokes about getting new soulless supervillain costumes and calling themselves the tAxis of Evil.  But then the devil grows frustrated with them and tells them he has to head down to Georgia for a rematch with Johnny.  He says the pitiful combined value of their meager souls just wasn't worth the hassle.

Anyway, there was more.  You know, the usual dialog and stuff.  Some puns and such.  But then this morning, what do I find on Drudge?

Yep, that bastage Rahm Emanuel stepped all over my post. Not content to merely tax the money right outta my wallet, now he thinks he can also steal my thunder - selfishly jacking my very words right out of my mouth.  What else, Rahm?  Wanna kick my dog while you're at it?  Maybe take the last donut?  Use all the hot water when it's my turn for a shower?  Have you any shame at all, stealing the only idea this struggling blogger has come up with in weeks?  A pox on you and all your Chicago thug brethren!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Reading Assignment

I don't click over the Dan Riehl at Rhiel World View all that often.  Tonight I'm glad I did. 

You are entering the No Grief Zone

A number of my blogfriends (myself included) are struggling with burn-out, boredom, aches-n-pains, or having too darned much "life" going on in their lives.   This is unacceptable to me.  Something must be done.  It is time for drastic measures...

Therefore, I do declare that today is "Happy Humpday No Complaints Everything Is Going To Be Fine Day." On Happy Humpday NCEIGTBF Days there will be no discussions of inept and/or evil politicians.  Nor will our obese and/or malodorous bosses be mentioned.  Happy thoughts!  You mailman is a butthole?  Don't wanna hear it.  The kid's hamster escaped and chewed up the wiring and burned your house down?  Don't wanna hear it.  Happy thoughts!  OK?  So, jump in, relax, and think some happy stuff.

And please, modest swimwear only.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Put me on a milk carton

Missing:  one blogger's sense of humor.  Sense of Humor last seen with Creativity and Enthusiasm in seedy part of town, talking to a swarthy weirdo driving a beat-up van with dark fabric over the windows.

No cops.  No questions asked.  Just want my sense of humor back unharmed.

PS - This is not a cry for help.  Just letting my small but devoted band of readers know that I'm busy and been fighting an achy cold which leaves me with a whole lot of nuttin' to write about.  Also, please don't suggest that I just get away from the internet for a while.  As if.  That would be like telling a fish to stay dry. Or telling Barry to lay off the menthols.  Or telling Pelosi to take it easy on the deficit spending. Or telling my dog not to fart.  Not gon' do it, wouldn't be prudent...

Which reminds me, the other day I was browning up some meat to go in the spaghetti sauce.  Chance the Bloodweiler knows how far he can come into the kitchen without being yelled at.  He was really pushing that limit, hoping I'd drop something.  As I leaned over the stove, Chance let rip with a BIG human-sounding airbomb.  It was loud enough to startle me a bit, so my head instinctively swiveled around.  Turns out he was in the middle of a giant gaping yawn at the same time, so when I turned around it looked like he was doing some really goofy clown grin.  I laughed so hard I nearly burned the beef.  Then I gave him some.


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