Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Barry good skeet shooter

I shot bin Laden myself, with my skeet gun
[Obama, to press corps(e)] "Of course I honor America's hunting tradition.  In fact, I go skeet shooting at Camp David all the time.  Anything other questions?  No?  OK, gotta go."

Obama, surrounded by his entourage and security detail, leaves and heads back to the Oval Office.

[Chief of Staff guy who took over for the guy who took over for Daley who took over for Rahm] "Sire!  How could you say something like that?"

[Obama] "Easy.  Lying comes second nature to me."

[CoS guy] "But sire, aren't you worried that somebody might call you out on that lie?  Challenge you to a skeet contest?  Something like that?"

[Obama] "Nah.  Everything will be fine."

The Chief of Staff exits.  About five seconds later, he barges back in.

[CoS guy] "Sire!  Some Republican congresschick dared you to a skeet-shooting competition.  Bitter clingers across the country are laughing at the idea of you handling a shotgun.  You must appear for a photo op!  You must, lest your carefully crafted tough-guy image be tarnished!"

[Obama] "Ok, ok.  Get Joe and his Beretta shotgun and some Secret Service guys with some of their guns and let's head to Camp David."

The pResident's helicopter, Marine-1, touches down at Camp David.  The pResident bumps his head as he disembarks, prompting howls of laughter from the veep and the Secret Service personnel.

[Obama, angrily] "Knock it off.  Big deal, I bumped my head.  Again."

[Biden, stifling laughter] "Sir, hee, sir...  It's not that.  It's that hee you look ridiculous in that hee hunting outfit.  Worse than when John hee hee Effin Kerry went shoppin' for one 'em huntin' licenses."

[Sec. Service Agent] "Sir.  The first rule of gunhandling is to treat every weapon as if it is loaded, until you have personally confirmed that it is not.  The second rule, is keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to fire.  The third rule is never let you muzzle (that's where the stuff comes out) point at anything you're not willing to destroy.  The fourth rule is always be aware of who/what is downrange..."

[Obama, interrupting] "Enough with the rules nonsense.  I make the rules.  I am The One.  Gimme a shotgun."

[Sec. Service Agent] "Here's a .410 to start you off with."

[Obama] "Wait!  Joe!  Didn't you say that with shotguns, the smaller the number the more powerful it is?  That would mean .410 is like a stick of dynamite!"

[Biden] "Sir, the .410 is an exception.  It refers to the diameter of the shell.  Which can differ from the diameter of the muzzle, depending on the choke.  There's cylinder choke, modified choke, full choke..."

[Obama, interrupting again] "Stop it!  Stop making it so complicated, you guys!"

The pResident takes the offered shotgun, and promptly ignores every safety rule.  The muzzle swings past the veep's head as a finger hits the trigger...

BLAM!  A few plugs of hair are blown off Joe's moptop.

[Biden] "Wow! That was kinda loud!"

[Sec. Service Agent] "Ready, Mr. pResident?  When you say 'pull' I'll launch a clay pigeon.  Start a little behind the pigeon and swing the muzzle through the path of the pigeon.  Pull the trigger right when your muzzle is pointing at the pigeon and follow through.  At this range, that will help you lead the target just the right amount."

[Obama] "Pull!"

The pigeon flies.


The pigeon lands in the grass, unbroken.  Leaves on a distant tree are struck, however.

[Sec. Service Agent] "OK.  Maybe we should try the 12ga.  It has a lot more pellets, which will improve your chances of making contact." [Hands Obama a 12ga]

[Obama] "This thing is HUGE!  It'll knock me totally cattywampus!"

[Sec. Service Agent] "Don't worry, sir.  We're using sporting clays loads.  They're really light.  Not much more than that .410, actually."

[Obama] "Sporting?  The only sport I'm good at is basketball.  I could dunk over any one of you fools.  But any other sport, I suck.  My whole body just kind of convulses like Joe does when he drinks his slurpee too fast."

[Sec. Service Agent] "You'll be OK.  Trust me."

[Obama] "OK.  'Pull!' "

The pigeon flies.


The pResident slams backward cartoonishly, his feet acting like a hinge, and lands flat on his back with the muzzle pointed skyward."

[Obama] "Did I get it?"

The pigeon lands in the grass, intact.

[Biden] "Nope!  Try 'er again!"

[Sec. Service Agent] "Sir, this time lean into it, and hold your cheek tightly against the stock."

[Obama, still on the ground] "No!  Just take a @#$%^&* picture of me holding a shotgun and get me the hell outta here!"

Friday, January 25, 2013

+3 Meandering Blogpost of Doom

This engraving project made me think of Harvey (thank you for your service, bro!).  The anchor is about 17" high and not quite 11" wide.  Since the brass is all reflecty and stuff, it's a little hard to read.
Prior to engraving
Dunno who Don Strickland is.
Following the compound curves was kinda tricky but it turned out well.
USS Enterprise (CVN-65) is presently undergoing decommissioning.  One one hand, it's kind of sad that Big E ist kaput, but on the other hand we're decommissioning stuff that other countries wish they could even begin to build.


Speaking of which, the Russians have one (1) carrier, the Admiral Kuznetsov, which looks like it has been punched in the nose and they barely have enough functional Su-whatevers to fill the flight deck.  The UK, France, Spain, etc, have a carrier or two apiece.  But they're baby helicopter carriers that probably would sink if you tried to land a Harrier on one.  The Chinese have one (1) carrier, which was just commissioned a few months ago.  They're still working on mastering carrier-based flight operations - which we had pretty well figured out, like, 75 years ago.  We have 10, I think, supercarriers, plus  9 or so smaller ones for Harriers and helicopters.  It is stuff like this that makes me look down my nose at the lesser countries of the world.  Which would be all of them.


Recently finished another, um, "interesting" project:  Vehicle magnets for the State of Oregon Governor's Mounted Guard.

Really?  Governor Kidslobber needs a mounted guard?  Just seems like pretentiousness to me.  And how do they get the magnets to stick to the horses?


I have never posted or retweeted anything on my twitter account, yet I have three followers.  That must be some kind of a record.


Oh.  Maybe they mean one of the other definitions of "mounted."  With these weirdos, it's hard to know.


Finished yet another, um, "interesting" project:  Window/door graphics at the Hilton Garden Inn.  Floor-to-ceiling two-tone stylized beanstalks.  I guess that's what passes as "garden-y".  They call it a "reed motif" but... no.  It's beanstalks, man.  Beanstalks that kind of resemble jail bars.  I guess that's what stupid people think is cool after they've smoked a lot of beanstalks.  While we were working, just about every passer-by said something complimentary.  Genuinely complimentary, not that faux-friendly smalltalk crap that people barf out while they're standing there waiting for the airport shuttle.  Scares me that so many people, who otherwise appeared normal, would actually like this design.  Ugh.  Worse yet, if people actually do like them, it might attract a little more business...  Which would mean better numbers for the Hilton Corp...  Which would mean... a little more money in Paris' purse.


I haven't weighed in on the Manti Te'o issue yet.  It is just so bizarre.  Personally, I think *SHUT UP ABOUT MANTI TE'O ALREADY!*

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Barry grabby gun debate

A cabinet meeting.  The usual cabinet heads, czars, and thugs notably absent.  The pResident paces around the room restlessly.

[Obama, checking watch] "Dang it!  Where is everybody!"

An unnamed person enters.

[unnamed person] "Sir, the entire government computer system has been compromised."

[Obama] "What?!?"

[unnamed person] "Yes.  It seems the veep has been looking at smut on his PC and somehow a trojan got installed.  It has worked its way through the entire network."

[Obama, into intercom] "Get Joe in here!"

Biden arrives.

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  Whassup?"

[Obama] "I've just been informed that you've been looking at pornography on your official PC."

[Biden, nervously] "I, uh, uh, I... that can't be!  I don't even own a pornograph!"

[unnamed person, to Biden] "Sir, your computer has been infected with a trojan horse, a kind of malware.  It has compromised the entire network.  That typically happens when people visit bad websites."

[Biden] "Oh, I remember now.  The antivirus said it was trying to install a trojan.  I clicked 'OK' cuz, ya know, when I need protection, Trojan, is, ya know, top shelf stuff.  I didn't realize that was a bad thing."

[unnamed person, facepalm]

[Obama] "Anyway.  Joe, I put you in charge of coming up with a comprehensive gun control policy.  How is that coming along?"

Before Joe can answer, a disheveled Hillary enters.

[Hillary] "Sorry I'm late.  Had a rough night."

[Obama, sarcastically] "Brain swelling up again?  Losing your memory?"

[Hillary] "You're half right.  As usual.  See, I was doing tequila shots off the small of some co-ed's back.  Then I hopped in my official State Department SUV and went for a spin.  I saw some right-wing blogger in the crosswalk.  I swerved to hit him, but lost control.  I skidded into a fire hydrant and the airbag deployed.  That's the last thing I remember before the alarm clock went off this morning."

[Obama] "So you probably have no idea what's going on in Algeria."

[Hillary] "Algeria bought Fat Albert's 'Current TV' network.  That's about all I know about it."

[Obama] "That's what I thought, too.  What about your discussions with world leaders about the global gun ban?"

[Hillary] "Ain't got around to it, yet."

Obama is growing visibly impatient...

[Biden] "So, I met with representatives from the NRA, concerned citizens, and other groups.  We..."

Obama cuts him off and dials the phone.

[Obama, into phone] "Eric!  You're late!  We need to talk about guns."

[Holder, on other end of phone call, nervously] "I, uh, uh, I... No can do.  I, uh, uh, I...  I just washed my mustache and can't do a thing with it!"

[Obama] "I'm not talking about Fast and Furious.  I'm talking about taking guns away from law abiding citizens."

[Holder] "Oh!  In that case, I'll be right there!  But first, I have to finish the second level of Angry Birds."

[Biden] "Ya know, boss, I think you should just introduce legislation that bans everything.  Reid will get the Senate on board, and well, the Republicans in the house, well, they're just a bunch of cheese-cutting surrender monkeys.  It'll pass."

[Obama] "Isn't that supposed to be 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys'?"

[Biden, to unnamed person] "I'll give ya one guess who in this room has never ridden in the elevator with John Boehner."

Unnamed person laughs.

[Obama, angrily] "You all are worthless.  I'll handle this myself.  I'll make a televised appearance, surrounded by innocent children, and make an appeal directly to the American people.  My charm will win the day.  Like it always does."

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Return of the Inboxy Goodness

Velcro, best known for hassling liberals at his blog Conservative Observer AZ, sent me some LOLbrat pics for my enjoyment/torment.  Figured I'd share...


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