Thursday, December 22, 2011

I could get into this.

A drunken soccer hooligan (is there any other kind of hooligan? -ed.) charged the field and got an epic beatdown courtesy of the Dutch goalkeeper.  Now *this* is my kind of soccer.  I could actually enjoy full-contact soccer.  Not the "yellow-card my opponent while I writhe in pain because our feet almost touched" non-contact soccer that prevails internationally these days.  What a bunch of wussicles.  But soccer cross-pollinated with Ultimate Fighting?  I. AM. SO. THERE. 

What I'm envisioning would be like this:  At random intervals, the Designated Blower would toot his vuvuzela.  Play would immediately stop, and a drunken hooligan would charge onto the field.  A guy wearing #34 with little spiky things on his shoes, dressed like a Georgia Tech cheerleader, would square off with the drunken hooligan.  No holds barred.  Groin kicks not only allowed, but encouraged.  (Hence the name "fĂștbol" ).  Winner gets a £10 million contract with Manchester United.  How awesome would that be?  The "Beautiful Sport" would become the "Watchable Sport" and pay-per-view revenues would soar!

The only thing that keeps my idea from becoming a reality is the sheer dearth of drunken soccer hooligans. If only they weren't so mannered and orderly...

PS - I don't dislike soccer or soccer players.  This isn't intended to be one of those jingoistic "American fooball is better than World football" flame wars.  But making fun of soccer players is irresistibly fun.  Like pinching occutards  with BBQ tongs and listening to their whiny cries of "shtop it! You're hurting me!"  I just never tire of it.


  1. I just started a fantasy league for this sport! Points are givin for how many times you nail the other guy in the groin! I'm making a mint off of entry fees too! Thanks John.

  2. Three things would fix soccer:
    1. Let them be able to pick up the ball and run with it.
    2. Allow players to tackle each other.
    3. Change its name to Rugby

    Now that would be something I would enjoy.

  3. What would make soccer an interesting sport?

    1. land mines planted on the field. The thrill of watching euroweenies blown to pieces would definitely increase interest in the sport.

  4. Inno, I'm with you ... let's have Futbol!

  5. I'd like to add back the old Aztec traditions to futbol: the losing team gets put to death.

    Ah, the old days; good times, good times....

  6. You're back!

    Younger Daughter was the first ever to receive a red card on the Hall High girls soccer team. She was retaliating kinda like futbol.

    I'm such a proud mother.

  7. That is an awesome fĂștbol image - that goalie don't need no steenking security guards. It's a rare event, though, as usually the hooligans are content to punch each other out, up in the stands.

  8. But soccer cross-pollinated with Ultimate Fighting?

    Or hockey. But there aren't any boards in futbol, so the checking wouldn't be as good.

    You KNOW I had to go there.


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