Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Found Footage: OWS

Below the fold is a transcript of an Occutard's iPhone video diary.  Like everything else about OWS, it is vile and offensive and those with delicate sensibilities should consider not reading it. 

Day 1
I just arrived at the occupation after a long train ride from Bakersfield.  There isn't much of an OccupyBakersfield - just a couple guys on Harleys drinking beer.  Which really isn't any different from any other day in Bakersfield.  So I took the train up here.  And let me tell you, dude, it is awesome!  Communists and anarchists all together living in perfect harmony!  This is what the future looks like, man!

Day 2
Dude, stickin' it to The Man is so gnarly.  I love it here, man.  I've been up-twinkling so much I seriously blew out my rotator cuff.  It was Nathan's turn to man the first aid tent.  He says he needs a few more credits before he's officially a witchdoctor so for now I guess he's more of a witchnurse.  He offered me some free-range clover honey and a blunt.  I told him "No way, man, that's exploiting the bees!  It's just like the corporatists exploiting us!  Don't be what we're trying to protest, dude!" so he said "Dude, it's either the honey and blunt or these awful man-made Oxycontin from the corporate death merchants at Big Pharma."  So I said "Dude, can't I have both?" Me 'n Nathan are real tight now, man.  Like real brothers.

With my right arm in a sling, I've had to learn how to light my official Pete Seeger Protest Zippo with my left hand.  It was pretty hard at first, especially because of the carpal-tunnel brace.  But I'm getting a lot better at it now.  I can hold my bong between my knees and burn the bowl with my left hand and hardly ever spill any on myself now.

Day 3
First down-twinkles.  Yeah, the weather it get really f***ing cold overnight.  Down-twinkle to ****ing frost and ****ing cold and all that ****.  But Stalin's soldiers had to endure harsh cold when defending the Motherland from the Republicans.  So I, too, like a good soldier, will endure.  Thankfully mom let me borrow her expensive Gore-Tex/Thinsulate sleeping bag.

But it was pretty nice during the day.  The macramé seminar was really productive.  So, like, up-twinkles to macramé.  Except for when I accidentally wove my kilt to the park bench and got stuck for a while.  That was kinda embarrassing.  Down-twinkles to that ****.  And the ****ing drummers are getting annoying.

Day 4

It was really cold last night.  After the Advanced Macramé seminar I headed for my tent, only to find that my sleeping bag had been redistributed.  And my iPad.  Selfish ****ers.  I was freezing, so I went and got a beanbag-sized wad of macramé twine and kind of rolled myself up in it.  I was still cold when this hairy-legged chick named Wendina joined me and it got better.  (She was cute and all, but WTF kind of name is Wendina?)  Up-twinkles to co-bedding with hairy-legged chicks!  Unfortunately Wendina got sick in the middle of the night.  Totally ruined my/our beanbag twine-bed thing.  So I spent the rest of the night just kind of pacing around.

Day 5

OK, I'm ready to kill the m*********** on the bongo.  I didn't get much sleep last night and this fool won't stop for anything.  And how the **** can a ********* bongo be out of tune?  ****!  And I don't know where I'll sleep tonight.  The sickness thing is pretty widespread.  Tainted succotash.  I guess the solar oven doesn't get hot enough when it's overcast outside or something.  So now lots of people have, like, the dysentery and ****.  Down-twinkles all around, man. 

Day 6

Looks like I got the tainted succotash thing, too.   My **** looks like rainbow gummi worms.  You might ask how I'd know that, but let's just say it contrasted nicely against the white fender of the cop car.

Wait a sec...  Getting a text from my mom.  She just saw news coverage of me ****ing on the cop car.  She's pissed.  She said she's gonna call Verizon and have my phone shut off.  ****ing corporatist plutocrat b****!  I'll show her!  ****! She already shut off my phone!  ****!!

Day 7

Another frosty night.  Down-twinkles.  I was hanging out by the kitchen tent 'cuz that's warmer than anywhere else.  A guy named Percy and a guy named Ramon came up and said they had extra blankets in their tent if I wanted to crash there.  Yeah, dude!  But then when I got there, they assaulted me and raped me.  Ramon said "Don't think of it as rape, man.  Think of it more as, like, a**-twinkles!"  Ha ha.  When I called 911 the operator said cops weren't even entering the occupation.  So I walked out towards the periphery and found a couple cops.  I said I can't call my mom 'cuz of my phone and I need a ride home.  Cop said no.  I said "But man, you're union!  We're like brothers, man!  Dude, help a brother out!" And the cop said "Union brotherhood ends where skin disease starts.  I ain't letting your mangy frame into my patrol car."  And I said "Technically, it's scabies.  Not mange.  Different kind of mite."  But that ****ing pig didn't care at all.

Day 8

I need to get the **** outta this ****hole.  I have no money and no phone.  They took my iPad.  My only communication is the "Peoples' Laptop." It says "486" on the cover but it has a dead battery.  So I have to pedal the ******* generator just to run the laptop.  Know how hard it is to pedal the generator and type at the same time?  With one arm in a sling?  Then it finally boots to some **** called 'linux' or whatever the **** you call it.  ****!  WTF is a 'command line'?  ****!  I just need to send my mom an email and get me outta here!  Why is it so ******* difficult?  Where is the ******* email icon??!?  DOWN TWINKLES!! DOWN TWINKLES!!

/end transcript


  1. Dude, ohhh **** this is an alltime classic!

  2. What time does the macrome seminar start?

    That is so socialist!!

  3. I almost wet myself laughing so hard.

    Thanks for the laughs

  4. You are the absolute funniest guy out there Inno. Loved this!

  5. manofwonder - you're too kind. And ain't this NBA lockout a pain in the rear?

    Infidel - The macramé seminars don't have starts and finishes. They just are, man.

    stopsign - hope it was just laughter and not tainted succotash

    Six - you, also, are too kind.

  6. Oh up twinkles dude. Good thing I put down the M***** F****** coffee.

  7. I think I know this guy. Or, I used to know him, in the wayback. He hasn't changed at ALL!

  8. Inno, that was hilarious! That dude is messed up.
    I would give you thousands of up twinkles, but I don't do that stupid shit!

    Did you see the vids on youtube of the occupy portland stuff? WOW, those nuts are worse than the NYC ones.
    Stay downwind from all of them.

  9. This poor dude is misinformed. Stalin's soldiers only pretended to endure harsh cold when defending the Motherland from the Republicans. They were actually spending their nights at the Stalingrad Hilton. ;-)

  10. Free range clover honey and a blunt? Yea it worked in the 60's, if my memory is correct, I think, maybe. Outstanding Inno! best laugh in a while. Thank you.

  11. The people's laptop sure has a messed up keyboard.

  12. This is too wonderful. Like having a front row seat at a f****** meltdown.

  13. Sounds like a modern day version of 'Dave? Dave's not here...'

    I think they will all eventually come to the conclusion that this loser came to : 'gotta get out of this effing s**thole.'

    That, or the cold rains will rinse them away.

  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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