Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Airing of Grievances

Can't wait for this rotten year to be over.  Dunno what it is about even-numbered years, but they SUCK.  If there's gonna be a death in the family, a major financial reversal, relationship problems, etc... it'll happen in an even-numbered year.  Clockwork.  Automatic.  Every time.

In less than a week, though, everything will be awesome and I'll have nothing to complain about.  The Sands of Time for me are running low, so I better hurry up and get on with the complaining!


Pictured:  Stealth Gun Control

I don't think we even own this one. (Yet).  I just glommed the pic from google image search.  But we have every one of its diabolical cousins.  "What did Santa bring you?" "Another @#$%^& noisy toy that devours batteries and I never play with except when you're tired and/or have a headache! Thanks, Santa!"  Holy crap, whatever happened to toys that weren't so "interactive"?  Is it such a crime to give a little kid a toy truck?  That doesn't have a functional horn?  One of these @#$%^&* things even talks when it isn't being used.  After it sits idle for about 10 minutes, it says "Bye, bye! Let's play again soon!" and powers itself down.  Startles the crap out of me every time.  Even the !@#$%^&* stuffed animals have noisemakers in them.  And batteries.  So when the brat bangs it on the table, instead of a nearly inaudible "poof" there's a big "WHAM" from its hard plastic guts hitting the hardwood.  Evil.  And when the brat barfs on that stuffed animal, I have to do a noise-mech-ectomy on the barfy thing before we can throw it in the washing machine.  I swear the modern toy industry exists only to drive sound-minded people so completely, clinically, insane, that they'll fail the background check at the gun store.


I have an earache.  Seriously.  Dude.  I hadn't had one in over 30 years.  What next?  I remember reading somewhere that antibiotics don't really help an earache that much, so I think I'll try to tough it out without seeing a doc.  Or maybe that was strep throat.  Whatever.  If I lose the hearing in that ear and my whole brain becomes infected I don't think it'll affect me much, except the quality of my blog posts might improve a bit.


My Beavs looked like they had the Alamo Bowl well in hand.  Then suddenly the Texas QB pulled his head out of his Ash and started making plays.  Also, blocking Okafor must have been an elective class that none of our O-line bothered to enroll in.  The Longhorns came roaring back in the 2nd half and won.  Gack.


On the bright side, the local buzz is that the Quackheads about an hour south of me are going to have a very unhappy new year.  Sounds like the Ducks' recruiting violations are gonna cost them a couple years of Bowl eligibility.  Look for Coach Kelly to jump to the NFL about 3 milliseconds after the Fiesta Bowl is over.


I bought my wife a(nother) digital camera for Christmas.  I told the chick at the camera counter "I don't care about megapixels.  I don't care about optical zoom.  I don't care about the capacity of the memory card.  I want a camera that won't #$%^&* explode into a million pieces the first time it is dropped, which, coincidentally, is usually the first time it is used."  She suggested some model of Fuji Finepix.  I took her suggestion.  So far, so good.  [looks for wood to knock on]


What's with sippy cups?  Would it be that hard to standardize them?  I have a drawer full of sippy lids and a cupboard full of sippy cups, but @#$%^&* if I can ever get a lid to match up with a cup.  Even the #$%^&* Dora The Explorer lids won't fit on the Dora The Ex-whore-a cups.  And they're all vacuum-formed with little "grippy" areas.  Yeah, right.  The brat will still manage to drop the cup and the ill-fitting lid will pop off and then comes the mess.  All the grippy area is good for is to create little crevices inside that can in no way be cleaned.  Even with a bottle brush.  So I stick 'em in the dishwasher and set the machine to "hope this works!"  It makes me want to go to work and print a bumper sticker that reads "My grandkid has a more robust immune system than your honor student."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Barry sad inauguration

[Biden] "Boss, you look kinda bummed.  What's up?"

[Obama] "Well, Yo-Yo Ma played at the last inauguration.  But he said it was so cold last time that he'd never do it again.  Then I had Ravi Shankar lined up to play, but he up and died.  Now there's no musical act.  It's gonna suck."

[Biden] "Hang on there.  That's a bunch of malarkey.  Just gimme a sec, I'll come up with something."

[Obama, imploringly] "Really?  You have connections in the music biz?"

[Biden] "Nah.  But I'm pretty good at writing and playing music."

Biden fiddles around on his laptop for a few minutes.

[Biden] "OK, boss.  Give this a listen"

Alternate Link

The pResident smacks the Veep in the face with a 3-ring binder before he can get to the next verse.

[Obama] "I like it.  Except the dog part.  Reminds me of the time me 'n dad were at the food court in the mall.  I told him 'I want a hamburger, no I want a cheeseburger, no I want a corndog.' Then he backhanded me and said 'Shut up!  You'll get dog and like it!'.  The whole thing was rather traumatic."

[Biden] "Sorry.  Lemme try again."

Alternate Link

[Obama] "I like that one a lot better. But you don't sing worth a bleep.  Maybe I can get Lady Gaga to sing your song.  But you'll get the writing credits, of course."

{Biden] "Lady Gaga?  That junk-tuckin' freakazoid?"

[Obama] "Junk-tucker?"

[Biden] "Boss, Lady Gaga is a man!"

[Obama] "Joe, you're mistaken.  Again.  She's female.  Her real name is Stefani."

[Biden] "Look, one time outside a bar in Scranton, I got the crap kicked outta me by a transvestite named Stefani.  He/she even dotted the i in his/her name with a little heart and everything.  So I know what it is from whence I speak. For reals, Lady Gaga has more Y chromosomes than MichelleO herself.  And that's sayin' something!"

MichelleO storms in angrily and bodyslams Joe onto the Resolute Desk, breaking it to pieces.

[MichelleO] "If you ate a vegetable once in a while, Joe, maybe you'd be healthy enough to stop getting beat up by transvestites."

[Obama] "OK, Joe.  I'll let you sing it.  But you have to put more emotion into it.  Make sure it makes Boehner cry."

[Biden, getting back to his feet] "Sir, Yes Sir! No problem, Sir!"

Monday, December 10, 2012

Barry miraculous economic rebound!

Cabinet meeting.  The usual Cabinet heads, czars, thugs and miscreants in attendance.

[Sebelius] "Sure is boring around here since the election."

[Panetta] "Yup"

[Obama] "And the weather's so bad, I can't really go golfing.  I should issue an Executive Order commanding there to be built a full-size indoor golf course."

[Geithner] "But even that would take months, maybe years, to build."

[Obama] "I know.  But I can dream, right?"

[Napolitano, yawns]

[Obama] "This whole fiscal cliff thing is getting old, too.  Boehner doesn't even put up enough of a fight to make it interesting."

VP Biden barges in, looking disheveled and wearing an eyepatch.

[Biden] "Boss!  I had the greatest idea ever over the weekend!"

[Axelrod, under his breath, gritting teeth] "Must resist the stupid...must resist the stupid.  Dah! The stupid is overwhelming" [collapses under table]

[Obama] "Normally, Joe, I wouldn't have much interest in your great idea.  But it has been so boring around here, I'm willing to give it a listen.  But first, what's with the eyepatch?  'Talk Like a Pirate Day' was like, a month or more ago."

[Biden] "OK, I was on my way to work this morning.  I got off the train and stopped into the 7-11 for a donut and a coffee.  I asked the guy there whether he was a 'Gandhi' Indian or an 'Elizabeth Warren' Indian, but he just looked at me all cross-eyed like I was a Republican or something.  Next thing ya know, I gotta head to the head.  Apu tried to tell me that their restroom was only for employees only.  I told him that's a bunch of malarkey and strode through those swinging doors.  Next thing ya know, I'm in the walk-in freezer.  Realizing my error, I did an about-face and headed through the other swinging doors to the back room."

[Obama] "Does this saga have an ending?"

[Panetta] "Let him talk.  It's the closest thing we've had to entertainment since the election."

[Biden] "Thank you, Leon.  Anyway.  Have you ever seen a 7-11 restroom?  I think Geronimo's outhouse in Bangalore is prolly cleaner than this awful thing.  Anyway.  So I'm doing my thing, and I think to myself "Self, this would be a good time to play 'Race the Toilet'."

[Obama] "Whaaaat?"

[Biden] "C'mon, boss!  Don't you know about Race the Toilet?  It's where you guess how long a toilet takes to flush, and you hit the flush lever while you're still going, and try to see if you can finish whizzing before the toilet finishes flushing."

[Obama, indignantly] "I wouldn't know.  Probably because I usually whiz sitting down."

[Biden] "Anyway, I'm thinking it's about time to hit the flush lever, so I extend my hand.  Which, sadly, caused my necktie to come in front of, well...  Like they said in Ghostbusters: "Crossing the streams is really, really bad."  Then I saw how gross the flush lever was, so I tried to do it with my foot.  So, there I am, mid-whizz, standing on one foot trying to flush the toilet, looking like the Karate Kid trying his Crane Technique, when my other foot slipped out from under me.  I bonked my head on the sink and completely KO'd myself."

[Obama] "Where does the eyepatch come in?"

[Biden] "Nowhere, really.  I just think it's cool."

[Axelrod] "Is he gone yet?"

[Biden] "Nope!  Still here!"

[Obama] "I vaguely remember you mentioning that you had some marvelous idea."

[Biden] "Oh, yeah.  Yeah!  When I woke up from hitting my head, I had the idea...  Dunno if any of you are aware, but it is legal for the US to mint platinum coins.  In any denomination.  Except Southern Baptist.   My idea is that we get the Mint to make us a Quadrillion Dollar coin.  We deposit it in the bank, and whammo!  We're rich!  No more fiscal cliff, no more debt ceiling malarkey!  We can pay off ALL the debts and deficits and have trillions left over!  We could even bail out Greece and Argentina while we're at it, and even then have trillions left over!"

[Geithner] "We could even fund the government without having to collect a nickel of taxes!"

[Obama] "But I like taxes!"

[Geithner] "Taxes give me nothing but trouble.  I'd still be in favor of eliminating them.  Imagine the explosive economic growth that would happen if we reduced ALL taxes and fees to zero."

[Obama] "What about all those hard-working IRS agents who would then be unemployed?  That's not very fair."

[Panetta] "Why don't we just pay them to sit around doing Sudoku puzzles?  You know, pretty much like we're doing right now?"

[Sebelius] "And we could give every last American a million bucks, and still have barely put a dent in that quadrillion bucks!"

[Obama] "This is no, repeat, NO way I'm giving a million bucks to a Republican.  We'll only give the million to Democrats, Socialists, Commies and Green-o's."

[Biden] "But boss, doncha see?  How many Republicans do you think there'll still be after you start handing out this kind of dough?  Everybody will love you and register as a democrat."

[Obama] "I'm still not sold on this idea.  What about inflation?"

[Geithner] "If we pass some wage and price control laws, inflation won't matter.  We'll make it an imprisonable offense to change prices or wages."

[Patrick Donahoe, Postmaster General] "And if we mail out this money on pre-paid Visa cards, that would be enough mail volume to keep the USPS out of insolvency for at least another month."

[Obama] "So, the government can have all the money it wants, all the citizens will be millionaires, and economic growth will soar?"

[Biden] "Yep!  The people will love you so much, they'll want to make you king!"

[Obama] "It all seems too easy.  There has to be a catch.  But awww, what the heck.  Let's do it!"


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