Friday, January 30, 2009

Amerika still barry barry good

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 (This is a carefully crafted saga. Reading the parts in correct order preserves the full awesomeness. Plus, part 4 kinda stinks - if you read it first you might not bother with the other parts which would be a big mistake!)
Part 4

[Obama shouting to crowd of reporters] "I can't believe you people out here in DC, freaking out about a little bit of snow. See, I can walk around in this weather in my shirtsleeves, because I have that special flinty Chicago toughness! What you're seeing right now is the flinty toughness I'll use to stare down Russian President Michael Medvededeveded, his buddy Putin and of course Achmedinejad. In fact I won't be surprised to see bin Laden coming out of his frozen cave saying 'So Cold! I geeve up! I no can match flinty toughness of new infidel president.' C'mon, people! It's just snow and sleet!"

[Gawking crowd of frigid reporters marvels at The One] "Wow, even the seasons are subject to his awsomeness!"

[Obama finds door to White House, enters, shivering convulsively] "Holy Crap-a-roni! I'm freezing! Turn up the thermostat, NOW!"

[Anonymous Staffer] "Yes, m'lord. Right away."

"Special Delivery from FedEx for President Obama!"

[Obama, signing electronic FedEx clipboard thingy] "Oh, goody! My stickers already came!"

[Ram E.] "Sire, it is so good to see the delight on your face. If I'd known you so enjoyed stickers, I'd have ordered more of them for you."

[Obama, raising arm to backhand Ram, Ram ducking] "I'm sick of your mockery. That was very embarrassing for me the other day when I got locked out on the porch. It was also VERY cold and I don't like being cold. So I ordered up some stickers to put on the windows."

[Ram E.] "Oh, no, sire! That wasn't intended as mockery. We just a bunch of 'yes men' who like to see you happy!"

[Obama, fumbling with a sticker] "See how it is transparent and the bottom half is backwards? That means that no matter what side of the window I'm on, I'll be able to read at least half of it. The right-wingers will never again be able to laugh at me getting lost on the porch, scratching at the window like a lunatic."

[Ram E.] "Sire, that is magnificent! Such forethought! Such problem-solving skills and initiative!"

[Obama] "Hey, anonymous disposable intern, put one of these on every window in this entire White House. Then go outside in the cold and make sure they're straight and easily read."

[Anonymous intern, clicking heels] "Aye, master!"

[Axelrod enters] "Yoish! It's roasting in here. 'Bams, I know you're from hot places like Hawaii, Kenya and Indonesia, but wow, man!
[Obama] "Don't forget about when I was younger and I traveled to Pakistan illegally on my Indonesian passport!"
[Axelrod] "Yeah, there, too! But really, 'Bams, You could grow orchids in here!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I could grow orchids. I could grow other stuff, too." [playful gestures of smoking a bong hit] "I'm just really thankful that my minions are so willing to turn down their thermostats, offsetting my prodigious carbon bootprint. If they ever thought to look past my blantant hypocrisy, I don't know what I'd do. So how's it going with our stimulus package?"
[Axelrod] "We got Pelosi to pull some of the most divisive junk out of it, be we still couldn't get one single republican to go along. In fact, 11 dems voted no. We're hoping to do better in the Senate, where we have McCain and Grahamnesty to marshall the RINOs to our side."
[Obama, jaw and fists clenched] "How dare they oppose my stimulus! I am The One!"
[Axelrod] "Their logic is that this is horrible legislation, and when it completely fails, they can go on TV and say 'Neener-neener!! We didn't vote for it! In 2010 all ur congressional seats r belong 2 us!"
[Obama, tearing shirt] "NOOOOOOOOOO!" [Runs down the hallway, flipping over endtables and a lamp]
[Axelrod] "Bams! Wait! There is other news, and it is very good! Come back!"

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Wacky Scandal-Ridden Hair!

Which washed-up, scandal plagued former democrat leader has the most outragous hair?

Blago, Traficant, or Edwards? Is cracked-out hair a reliable indicator of scandal? If so, who is next?

To receive full credit on this pop quiz, please show your work in the comments.

Blago, Blago, wherefore art thou, Blago??

Well, the Fightin' Illini have spoken. Hot Rod's term as governor ist kaput. I'll miss Blago, because hearing him speak is mesmerizing - a lot like when I overhear the homeless guy in the park muttering to himself while he "waters" the trees with an empty milk jug. Is he speaking nonsense, or is it truth so profound that I can't fathom it? Sadly, we may never really know.

In any case, he's playing high-stakes poker and running out of chips. He's burned the Senate appointment chip and lost the Governor chip. About all he has left is the rat-out-all-my-former-allies-and-hope-for-leniency chip. Play it well, sir.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Obama's Interview on al-Arabiya

Yeah. First televised interview given to al-Arabiya instead of CNN, MSPMSNBC or one of the other alphabet networks who basically handed him the election with their coverage. You'd think he'd owe quite a debt of gratitude to them, and give them first dibs on an interview. But nooooo....

Maybe he owes a greater debt of gratitude to, um, uh, oh, you fill-in-the-blank. When the interview became a little confrontational, President Obeyme is reported to have said acidly "Can't I just eat my falafel?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Amerika barry barry good and then some

Part 1 (Smart people click here first and read them in order)
Part 2
Part 3

Nancy Pelosi stood before the crowd, the photographers' flashes catching Madame Speaker's eyelids in various stages of blinkage - a disturbing effect, amplified in a macabre way by the unnatural appearance of her face. Her skin was both saggy and stretched immeasurably taut at the same time, a paradox not yet explainable by anything in modern science.

"Good Afternoon. Before taking any questions, I'd like to take a moment to emphasize my support of contraception in all its forms. My colleagues in the House believe similarly, so our Economic Stimulus plan includes much spending on contraception. Children have become a nuisance. There should be many fewer of them. They are expensive and are draining the coffers of state governments across our nation. Many states - mostly the backwards ones towards the center of the country - are less approving of abortion than we enlightened eugenists I mean progressives. Hence the importance of providing them with subsidized contraception. We most stop these rubes from having offspring."

Madame Speaker, how do you reconcile your Catholic faith with these positions?"

"As speaker of the most honest, ethical and transparent Congress, evah, I'll be totally frank. I could care less about that. As a kid, we used to take on an Archie Bunker accent and joke about 'Da Catlick Church'. They are far too conservative in this area for my tastes, with all that sanctity of life business. I still claim to be Catholic only when it is politically advanatgeous for me to do so - like when I'm addressing a crowd of illegal aliens and seeking their votes and support. In short, I would rather parade with the frolicsome sodomites in my home district than attend a Mass."

"Madame Speaker, wouldn't it be better to grow the economy and get people employed in better jobs, so they could afford to raise their kids without state assistance?"

"Sir, you have never been to Kansas City, have you? Mile after mile of barefoot children milling aimlessly through the trailer parks. Experience has shown that no wage is high enough for these sorts of people to do the right thing. They can always seem to afford their meth and ammo and fatter tires for the backs of their TransAms, but contraception? Noooooooo, there's never enough money in their budgets for that! Therefore, we will provide it at taxpayer expense. Minimizing the numbers of children in flyover country is really that important. In the long run, we will save money on welfare, schools, healthcare costs, and of course there will be fewer conservatives in the next generation. It is win-win all the way around."


President Obama watched the news coverage of Pelosi's announcement. Confusion gave way to rage. Obama reached for the phone. After some delay, he spun it 180 degrees so that the ear and mouthpieces were properly oriented. "GIBBS! Have you been watching the news?"

Press secretary Robert Gibbs nearly soiled himself at the harshness of Obama's tone. "No, sire. I've been online, browsing my wikipedia entry."

"Pelosi's trying to screw up our stimulus package by inserting contraception spending into it. That is unnecessary and divisive and not to be tolerated when the nation is facing such a crisis. Get out there in front of the press and straighten this out! I'm too busy working on my memoirs to do it myself, so I'm Counting On You!"

"Oh, sire! Thank you for that confidence. I shall not let you down!"


[Crowd of reporters] "Where's President Obama? We want to hear him, not you!"

[Gibbs] "Our dear leader is working on his memoirs, but I have a message from him."

[One reporter to another] "Memoirs?! This is wonderful news!"

[Reporter responds] "Indeed! I've already pre-ordered 5 copies! I realllllllly hope he'll autograph one of them!"

[Gibbs] "Madame Speaker Nancy Pelosi was announced a controversial program of spending billions on contraception as part of the economic stimulus. The Obama administration denounces this brand of divisive, partisan politics. The American people want change and voted for change, and the middle of a financial crisis is no time for stirring the pot of discord. Unity is the only option. Therefore, the centerpiece legislation, the one act that President Obama once said would be the very first thing he'd sign, the Freedom of Choice Act, must be passed. It would remove all state and local restrictions on abortion, even that pesky parental notification baloney! With this act we'll finally solve the pro-this and pro-that divisiveness that has gripped our nation since Roe v. Wade! There will be blanket abortion rights for every state in the union! What a marvelous example of bringing people together!

[Chanting] Yoo-nit-ee! Yoo-nit-ee! [Assembled reporters cheering]

"Further, this act is just the tip of the spear in our battle against the baby menace. President Obama has rescinded that awful Repulican Executive Order banning our international aid money being used to fund abortions overseas! Yes, finally, your patriotic tax contributions can now be applied in distant lands. As that evil BOOOOSH used to say of terrorists, "It is better to fight them over there than in our own back yard." We can now take the fight to our enemies, no matter where they are! This brings us to the reason Pelosi's contraception issue must be defeated... The abortion industry suffered greatly under the rule of BOOOSH The Younger. How can we provide stimulus to this beleaguered industry if all the babies are prevented from ever being conceived? Yoo-nit-ee! Yoo-nit-ee!"

[Average no-name reporter] "Wow! Can you believe that our dear leader has already solved the pro-choice/pro-life battle in just his first week in office?"

[Another no-name reporter] "He's amazing! Next thing you know he'll have Hamas and those smelly JOOOOOS living as loving, caring neighbors!"


President Obama glanced away from the memoir chapter open in his word processor and glimpsed the coverage of Gibb's press conference. "Exxxxxcellent."

Monday, January 26, 2009

Amerika barry barry good to me, continued...

Part 1 (for those who struggle with chronological order)

Part 2

As President Obama finished his warm-up dance, a maid arrives with the carton of Newports.
"Phew. That was some vigorous dancing. Don't think I really need any weightroom work today after all that. You guys have seen my pecs, right? So then of course you agree I don't really need to lift."

"Yes, sire. You are built like a pro wrestler, but without that artificial steroidy look."

"Thanks for noticing. Hey, Ram & greggycraig, let's go outside and have us a smoke or two."

[both]"Lovely idea, m'lord."

Out on the balcony, the three light up. The President leans casually against the handrail.

[greggycraig]"Sire, forgive me, but as White House Counsel, I must advise you that you are less than the mandated 10' distance from the door. Some of your smoke might waft inside. Our friends in the Trial Lawyer industry claim this can be deadly, and potentially actionable in court."

[Obama, looking disinterested but feigning interest] "Greggycraig, I truly appreciate your concern and all that you do for me. But I'll remind you this One.Last.Time. - I Won. That trumps the law. And even if I were constrained by laws, I'll also remind you that I'm a Constitutional Scholar, a former editor of the Harvard Law Review. If some Trial Lawyer dared to sue me, I'd represent myself." [Sinister grin] "Yessssssss, I'd love to meet the lawyer who would dare to face me!"

As the three were enjoying the brisk winter air, VP Biden strolls onto the balcony. "Hey guys. How's it goin'?"

[Ram] "We were having a pleasant break from the stresses of running the country."

[Biden] "Think I'll join you. Being VP is harder than I thought. Maybe I should have taken that SecState offer. " [Nodding towards Obama] "That way I'd be in foreign countries most of the time and my interpreters could translate for me in ways that make me seem less stupid. But the VP doesn't have much to do except appear on talk shows. Talk shows. You guys know how I love to talk. That's why I was perfect as a Senator, ya know. But it is really hard to keep myself and my wife from saying too much or even giving away state secrets. 'Cuz ya know, once I get rollin'... Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I was on TV with..."

[Ram] "Yes, Joe. Repeatedly."

[Obama] "Enough of your nonsense! The air-raid killing of various people, both innocent and not, in Pockystahn is going well. But my predecessor, that fool BOOOOOOSH, allowed many to live long enough to be captured. As you know, some are now detained at Gitmo. This is troubling, as some in the world who should be admiring me are not yet. They want to see Gitmo closed. Therefore I want to see Gitmo closed - that my adoration might proceed unhindered. But what to do with the detainees?"

[Ram] "Sire, Those foolish Republicans think we should house them in Alcatraz."

[Greggycraig] "The idea isn't entirely without merit, sire. The Rock is administered by the National Park Service. They have no..."

[Biden] "What a sec. All ya gotta do is send 'em to Scranton. I'm from Scranton, so I should know. When my dad from Scranton was raising me in Scranton, he always told me 'Son, people from Scranton don't take any crap. You keep that in mind. You're from Scranton, kid.' So if the detainees behave, like everybody does in Scranton, fine. If they act up, well the people in Scranton will deal with 'em. Like I said, I'm from Scranton, so I oughta know what the people in Scranton would do if we sent to detainees to Scran..."

[Obama, Ram, greggycraig, in unison] "SHUT UP!"

[Biden leaving in a huff]

[Greggycraig] "M'lord, As I was saying, the National Park Service has very little security capability. The ranger guys with the big hats who write tickets for littering in the woods would be unable to adequately secure those vicious, vicious detainees."

[Obama] "But some of those detainees are Muslims - followers of the Religion of Peace. How dangerous can a bunch of peaceniks be?"

[Greggycraig] "Oh definitely harmless, sire. They seek only peaceful coexistence with us. But we need to paint them as being very, very, evil. That will allow you to raise a private army, answerable only to you, to secure Alcatraz. The press and the American people of course will understand that Ranger Rick is not up to the challenge by himself, and with your Superior Presidential Foresight, you recognize the need for ruthless, well-armed thugs to guard the island."

[Obama] "I like where you're going with this."

[Greggycraig] "Oh, thank you, sire. You're too kind. This personal army would be answerable only to you to prevent the inhumane treatment and torture of detainees" [wink, wink] "that has gone on under ordinary military supervision."

[Obama] "Of course you realize that my band of thugs will need to hone their thuggishness by whuppin' on detainees. Regularly and often."

[Greggycraig] "Absolutely, sire. We can't have a band of thugs who aren't skilled at brutality. And, sire, one never knows when a well-armed personal army might come in very handy!"

[Obama] "It's exactly this kind of legal counsel that makes me proud I hired you, greggy. However, you, unlike me, are a rotten liar.

[Greggycraig, cringing] "Sire? Whatever I've done, I apologize! I prostrate myself before you and beg your mercy!"

[Obama] "Ha! Sorry, um, that didn't come out right. I meant that I am an excellent liar, while you, my friend, just aren't that good at it. Therefore I'll handle this announcement. Ram, summon my legions of swooning reporters! I have a Gitmo announcement for them!"


To be continued. If I feel like it.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Amerika barry barry good to me

Week I

The door to the Oval Office opens abruptly, and a disquieted Obama looks away from his computer screen with a frown. "Rahm, you just interrupted my first vanity google of the day, so this better be im-por-tant!"

"Sire, the press are outside, demanding a conference!"

"So? Give them an 'I Love You, Too' from me. That should chill them out for a while"

"But, Sire, it's abou..."

[Obama looking forlorn] "I'm on the fourth page of search results, and there are a lot of people saying bad things about me. About 48%, even."

"Sire, do not be dismayed. Those posts are from right-wing bloggers. We don't care about their thoughts. Besides, they are never happy. Many even complained about that super-arch-conservative war-monger George W. Bush. Even their ultra-ultra-rightist war-hero candidate suffered many verbal barbs at their hands. Particularly the Malkin woman. She's full of hate. Never says anything nice about anybody. If the Messiah himself were to..."

[Quizzical look on Obama, tinged with anger] "I thought I was their messiah!"

"Sire, I speak of that long-haired fellow from that ancient book."


"Yes, Mel Gibson also made a movie about him a few years ago."

"Oh, that guy. I saw that movie once. I was too stoned to remember much from it, though. Continue, please."

"Anyway, if their Messiah himself appeared before them, they would cling bitterly to him, at least in public. But on their blogs, they would snipe, snark, and complain. It is all they do."

[boyish grin on Obama] "I see. Thank you. Oh, and that 'cling bitterly' line? I'm sooooo stealing that one!"

"As you wish, sire. But we need to address the press right away. They want to know about the deaths in Pakistan, and about our plans for continuing missile attacks from unmanned aircraft."

[Obama growing angry]"I didn't authorize any such thing! Get greggycraig in here NOW!"

"You called, sire?"

"Greggycraig, weird things are going on in Pockystahn. Did you issue another Executive Order without explaining to me what was in it? Again?"

"No, sire! That was a continuation of Bush's policy! Really, it wasn't me this time!"


[Rahm] "Yes, but such actions are very popular with the American people. Your approval ratings have soared since this news was broadcast. They believe you are a fine leader and will kill many terrorists. In fact, they don't care who you bomb, as long as it has 'stan' in the name"

[Obama seething with rage] "My mother was named Stan! I'm tellin' ya, one more 'yo mama' joke and I'm gonna cure your indigestion!"

[Rahm and greggycraig cowering in fear] "Indigestion, sire?"

"Yeah. And I'll start calling you Ram instead of Rahm. Cuz I'll ram my foot so far up your backside your acid reflux will be cured. It'll be replaced by Gucci Loafer Reflux!"

"So sorry I wasn't more clear, sire. I wasn't talking about your dear marxist mother. I was talking about countries whose names end in ess tee ay en."

[Boyish grin on Obama] "Oh. OK, then. Kill more. Many more. Kill as many as it takes."

[Greggycraig exiting] "Yes m'lord. Right away."

[Rahm getting anxious] "Sire, the press awaits. We'd best not take too long, lest they grow testy and begin asking actual questions."

"Oh #^$%, you're right! We better step on it. And not in it! Ha!"
"Mr. President, many Pakistanis were killed by our military forces yesterday. We thought there would be a change in that policy. Please explain this to your fawning minions."

[Obama composed and dignified]"Thank you for the question. First of all, when I air-raid villages and blow up wedding parties, I do it only in the most compassionate ways. I am not a barbarian like my predecessor who blew up levees in New Orleans. Secondly, I have outsourced production of all military equipment to China. When the Pockystahneez inspect the damage, the only missle fragments they find will be printed with unreadable Chinese runes, so they'll never suspect it was us. It is called 'plausible deniability.' You'll be hearing that phrase a lot from my administration, so look it up now if you don't know what it means."

"But Mr. President, wouldn't it have been wise to keep that outsouring information a secret?"

"Not really. The New Your Times would have blabbed about it before the end of the week. "

[Helen Thomas] "He's right, you know."

"Now then, I've answered ONE single question, which concludes today's press conference. I won't be answering any more. Adieu."

[Chris Matthews, under his breath] "Oh, he's so dreamy! I just love his new policies for handling terrorists in Pakistan! And he speaks French, too! What more could a man ask for?"
"Ram, that was seriously stressful! I need to a good workout to burn off some stress. Then a few cigarettes immediately afterward."

"Sire, your personal gym is prepped and ready for you. I'll have the maid fetch your carton of Newports."

"Thanks" [Obama inserting earbuds and fiddling with his iPod] "But first a few dance steps to stretch out." [Obama dancing, eyes closed, oblivious to the world]

[Ram to greggycraig, mumbling softly] "Ha! He dances like a white guy!"

[Obama angrily removing earbuds] "Ram! You really think I didn't hear that?!?" [Points to large, pendulous ears] "Nothing gets past these babies!"

"No, No, Sire! I said 'When you dance, it brings a tear to my eye!' You truly are that graceful."

[Boyish grin on Obama] "Oh, sorry." [Continues dancing]

To be continued...

Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama pokes hornet nest with stick

Active discussion in Hot Air headlines regarding this. Obama is showing himself easily rattled. Heh. The old saying regarding the press was that one shouldn't get in a whizzin' contest with somebody who buys ink by the barrel. While print media is on its way to the museum, the same wisdom applies with other media. Especially Rush Limbaugh. Three hours a day to many millions of listeners. Even those who can't stand him pay attention to him, as proven in Obama's quote at the link above.

This is the prelude to what I predict will be a dynamic shift in the media. The blogosphere as we now know it didn't exist the last time a donk was in the White House. The left enjoys citing the vast numbers of hits and users their big sites have - they have indeed prospered in these early years of blogging and independent media. With the mainstream papers dying off, and the network TV news slobbering praises all over Obama, though, the righty blogosphere is well positioned for a profound boost in popularity and influence. Every verbal fumble, every heavy-handed tactic of the new administration will be much more closely scrutinized, talked about, and laughed at than what Clinton faced. Obama has already revealed the chink in his armor - a thin skin.

What really, is a political blogger, but a critic? An often sarcastic critic. A well-read and well-connected critic. We don't command armies or make huge appropriations decisions. All we have to offer in this fight are words. Obama's biggest vulnerability is also our greatest strength. Words.

Fight Hard.


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