Thursday, May 31, 2012

El Posto Quicko del Inboxo

Here is finally the conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead:

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago

Got this in the ol' gmail inbox this morning courtesy of aA - who at one time was my bestest commenter ever but has kinda fallen off the radar lately.  Hope all is well with ya, bro!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Why I'm not on Twitter

If I were on Twitter, I'd end up just posting a bunch of boring garbage that nobody would want to read.  What's the point of that? Wouldn't you rather I just condense it all into one glorious blogpost?  I know I would!

You complaints have been noted, and will be ignored in the order in which they were received...


The Polish people have endured much suffering, being caught between the Hammer of the Red Army and the Anvil of Nazi Germany.  Then barry has to go rub salt in it by saying "Polish death camps" as though it was all some Pole's idea to go slaughter millions of people.  Alright, it's not like this mouthfart happened while on a golf outing.  It happened during a ceremony to honor Jan Karski, a genuine hero who, among other things, risked life and limb to spread the word of German atrocities happening in Poland.  Have I mentioned that I can't stand this earwig we have for a pResident?


Turns out (Iranian-born) Valerie Jarrett is our "de facto" president, and the one behind a lot of this administration's backfires.  I suppose I should find it somewhat comforting that our pResident might not be the total chowderhead he appears to be, and that another is actually at fault.  But I, um, am not much comforted by any of these revelations.


Sickness has descended on all the House of innominatus.  Were it not the peak of the Busy Season, I'd be penning this drivel from home, curled up in multiple blankets.  But it IS the peak of the Busy Season, so I'm penning this drivel from work.  Dedicated, is that one.  Dunno if I we should bring my our bugs to church tonight, though.  OK, maybe not so much.


So the "plan" was brother-in-law would live with us for a while (end of the year-ish) and chip in on the household bills.  This "plan" was part of what prompted me to quit the early AM grunt job.  Yesterday I learned that BiL is moving out in a few days.  Hmmm.  To toil, or not to toil? That is the question!  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of groveling for my old job back, or to live like a pauper and perchance to, um, something-or-other.


Part of the "Busy Season" involves a TON of award engraving for stuff like "Graduate Anthropolgy Student of the Year" kind of junk.  I take a bit of comfort in knowing that, however bad my situation may be, at least I am not a Graduate Anthropology Student.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Barry choomy road trip

I tried 'shopping barry's face on him, but it looked stupid.
I tried putting Plouffe's face on another guy, but nobody knows what he looks like.
I tried putting Axelrod's face on last guy but he looked like David Crosby
and ellif I'm gonna taint my blog with a picture of that stinky hippie.
So, like I always say, use your imagination.

[Obama] "Heh heh.  Choom Gang, form up!  Time for a road trip!"

[Plouffe] "Heh heh.  Cool, man.  Where we going?"

[Obama] "To the heh heh, Land of Re-erection!"

[Axelrod] "Heh, whaaa?"

[Obama, squinting at teleprompter] "Oh.  Heh hee 'Re-election'.  Heh stupid 'prompter, heh."

[Plouffe] "Heh heh.  I've been runnin' the numbers, man, and that's gonna be a long trip, man."

[Obama] "S'cool.  I got a lotta choom, man.  Heh heh."

[Axelrod] "Heh, man, we're gonna get hungry, man.  Let's make some choom brownies to satisfy our road trip munchies."

[Plouffe] "But heh, man, choom brownies just make us even hungrier, man!"

[Axelrod] "Heh that just means we're gonna need a lot more choom brownies!"

[Obama, Axelrod, Plouffe] " HEH HEH HEH HEH!!"

[Obama] "Axe, you're drivin'.  Heh."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  It's your van, man, why I gotta always drive?"

[Obama] "The van is a stickshift.  You know I heh ain't man enough to handle heh that."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  OK."

A teenage girl in an old Corolla drives by, the "5 Speed" logo on the trunklid clearly visible.

The Choom Gang gets in the van.  Obama dons his bike helmet.  [Obama] "¡obamanos! "  The van sputters to life and Gang begins their journey.

[Obama] "Heh.  This reminds me of back in heh Indonesia, man.  My buddie had a VW bug that was heh painted up in 'Herbie the Love Bug' colors, heh."

[Plouffe] "Awesome, man.  Heh. Love is awesome. Heh."

[Obama] "Yeah, we'd take a dog with us and go road trippin', heh.  The smoke of the herb would like, heh, totally fill the car.  Man, that smoke would get in, on, and all over everything, heh, 'cuz VW's are like, watertight, man."

[Plouffe] "Whoa. Dude.  Heh."

[Obama] "Then we'd pull over and roast the dog over a bonfire.  We called him Herby the Yum Pug."

Plouffe laughs so hard that water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.

[Axelrod] "Man, I wonder what Labrador tastes like.  Heh."

Plouffe again laughs so hard water water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.

[Plouffe] "But, heh, I thought dogs were haram in mooselimb countries."

[Obama] "So is heh buggerin' little boys.  But that never slows heh anybody down.  Ya gotta heh understand, that the whole 'haram' thing is heh mostly a construction whereby mooselimbs make themselves out to be all heh holy and heh superior.  Smoking cigarettes is also haram.  But, heh, tell ya what.  You go to Saudi Arabia.  You separate out all the people that chain-smoke Camels from those that don't, heh, and I'll give ya a buck for each non-smoker you can heh find."

[Plouffe] "Heh.  Sounds like a whole lotta work just to get $3."

[Obama] "Heh.  Exactly."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  Camel smoker.  Maybe we should invite the camels to be in our Choom Gang. Heh."

Plouffe again laughs so hard water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.  The Choom Gang continues their journey.

[Axelrod, looking up the road] "Heh, man, there's some kind of ruckus up in front of us."

[Obama] "Heh.  Can you describe the ruckus?"

[Axelrod] "Heh.  Looks like some kind of campaign event."

[Obama] "Heh.  I love heh campaign events heh.  Pull over, man."

The Choom Gang de-vans awkwardly, resulting in a pile of human debris that takes a few seconds to regain its feet.

[Romney, addressing crowd from atop campaign stage] "The President's policies are not working.  In fact, the President is a stuttering clusterhump of miserable failure."

Obama, infuriated, scrambles up on stage and snatches the mic from Romney's hands.

[Obama, inches way from Romney, staring eye-to-eye] "I have only heh one heh thing to say to you. *****!!"

Linked at IMAO.  Thanks, Harvey!

Friday, May 25, 2012


I started a post yesterday about the lazy Greek gods on Mt. Olympus going looking for a handout from the hardworking Norse gods of Valhalla.  Seemed like a good premise, but I couldn't wring much funny out of it.  Digital roundfile....

Instead, I'll add my voice to those covering Brett Kimberlin.  I can't wait to see the look on his face when I slue the turret and he's looking right down the barrel of a blog that gets about 30 hits a day!  Anyway, Brett Kimberlin was convicted of the Speedway Bombings many years ago.  Today he is embraced by the far left, à la Bill Ayers.  He claims expertise in election integrity and is an advocate for old-fashioned paper ballots.  I guess prison must get pretty boring if there is nothing better to do there than ponder paper ballots.

While in prison, he also picked up some legal skills - which he uses against those who shine light on his criminal past.  Patterico, Aaron Worthing, Jeff @PW, RS McCain and a fair number of others have received harrassments and worse from Kimberlin and Kimberlin's associates.  Keep in mind, Kimberlin is not just an anonymous blog troller screaming "racism!" in the comments section.  He was convicted of setting bombs that blew people up.

It was suggested by Lee Stranahan that today be Everybody Blog About Brett Kimberlin Day**.  Many influential blogs and media outlets have jumped in. Besides those mentioned above, some that I'm aware of are Michelle Malkin, Ace, Glenn Beck's radio show and Blaze website and probably an uncountable number of little guys like me.

Truth will not be stifled!

**attempting to reach Lee's site is getting me a Bandwidth Exceeded Error.  So either he's under some kind of DoS attack or his efforts are going SO WELL that supportive people are flooding his site.  Have to wait and see which is the case...

Monday, May 21, 2012

Value of self

While the engraving machine was chewing up a piece of brass, I was traipsing around the blogosphere and hit this Protein Wisdom link to a bit of investigation done by Doug Ross.  Gist of the story:  Ross dug around in web archives, looking for changes in Obama's "literary bio" - the junk that goes inside or on the back of a book jacket...

Turns out those bios were edited several times, marking such things as barry's ascension through State Senator, US Senator, etc...    The "born in Kenya..." parts remained after each edit, right up until 2 weeks before barry declared his intentions to run for the presidency - at which time it just went away and became "born in Hawaii..."

Alright, I'm a Birther Agnostic.  Evidence for/against Hawaii/Kenya is unconvincing to me.  I'm pretty much past caring about it.  Just seems like that dog won't hunt, and I don't think there will ever be a satisfying explanation.  And even if there were, I doubt it could become something actionable, or something that would sway much of the electorate.  So I don't sweat it.

But the dishonesty at work here really chafes me.  I, being human, am far from perfect.  I have lied.  I remember a time in 2nd grade (about 1977) when I was misbehaving on the playground and started a bit of a ruckus.  When confronted by the teacher on duty, I blamed it all on this bully kid I didn't like.  For once in his bullying life, the bully wasn't involved.  But because of his rep, (and mine) the teacher had no problem believing me.  He got in trouble and I skated.  Guess what?  That still bugs me.  I can't claim that's the only lie of told.  If only.  But I really, really, avoid lying.

(Parenthetic:  Aaron Schrempf, if you somehow happen upon this blog post, I'm sorry for making you look like a d-bag back in 1977.)

The LAST thing I can see myself lying about is just that: my self.  There are all manner of things that each of us holds dear.  Self is important to me.  Not in the "I gotta be at the front of the line!!1!" sense, but more in a "who I am and what I'm going to someday become is important to me" sense.  I generally don't give half a bleep about people think of me.  I care what I think about me - which influences dictates my treatment of others, particularly those I love.  Hence I can't even begin to understand how a person like barry could so cavalierly misrepresent the self.  To assert a false self implies that the genuine self is lacking.  I would consider that the ultimate betrayal, made worse because it was done by me, against me.  It would be a thousand times more preferable to shape and adjust my life until I WAS what I wanted to be, than to shrug off that effort and just claim it, while knowing otherwise.

It is further boggling that such a man could end up in the nation's highest office.  It would eat at me continually if I attained so much only by BSing people about who I really am.  If barry has so little respect for something as important as the self, how can he be expected to respect anything external?  Like Rights.  Institutions.  Laws.  This flaw of his is much more important than what patch of dirt Stanley birthed him on.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Stupidity of "Drill here! Drill Now!"

As part of my long-term plans for American prosperity, I denounce, in the strongest possible terms, this "Drill Here! Drill Now!" nonsense.  We must instead purchase oil from others.  Specifically, we must buy as much oil from psycho muzzies and oppressive dictators as we possibly can.

"But innominatus, this is completely counterintuitive!" you are no doubt thinking.  Allow me to explain...

There is debate whether there is a finite amount of oil in the ground, or whether oil is continuing to slowly form as part of some not-yet understood process.  Either way, the bad guys are sucking oil out of their dirt at a frightful pace.  This is good.  Because it means they will run out.

Then we can say to Sheik Abdul or whoever "Hey, dude, you're out of oil.  We bought all your oil and burned it in our SUVs and hotrods, and all you have to show for it is a big pile of our useless currency.  We will now begin using OUR oil, of which we have more than we know what to do with.  And we're not in the mood for sharing.  Ha!"

Then some guy in Russia will say he has no fuel to put in his Trabant and some Nigerian will cry that his Citroën has no petrol that and the only way that Sheik's Ferrari goes anywhere is when it is towed by a camel, we'll reply "Sorry, guys.  We have so much oil we use it to put out fires even though it is flammable but that's OK because we still have so much more oil.  But we are not, repeat, NOT going to interrupt the finals of the Bikini Crude Oil Wrestling League playoffs because you were dumb enough to sell us all your oil.  How do you like me now?"

Then we'll sell 'em a Volt and some solar panels to charge it and this green energy crap might finally turn profitable...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Obama in history

Alright, every rightwinger with a pulse and an IQ measured in degrees fahrenheit has heard about Obama worming into almost all the presidential biographies of the last hundred years.  What is not so well publicized, is that Obama has inserted himself into *EVERYBODY'S* biography.  Seriously.  If your biography has broken out in an itchy rash recently, well, now you know.

Some examples:

In the '70s, Al Gore invented the internet.  Today, Obama uses the internet to knock his own dick in the dirt with extremely hamfisted wannabe-totalitarian things like the "fishy", Attack Watch, and Truth Teams.  All of which are readily mockable and give us bloggers stuff to snark about.

In the middling 'aughts, Jack Dorsey invented Twitter and that Zuckerdude invented Facebook.  Today, Obama uses these and other social-media outlets to knock his own dick in the dirt with #hashtags that get highjacked by clever conservatives and also that Life of Julia slideshow which is so stupid that stupid people who are in comas from over-huffing lemon-scented Pledge snap out of the coma just long enough to beg for a president who isn't so stupid.

During the French Revolution, Marie Antoinette supposedly said "Let them eat cake."  Today, thanks to Obama's disastrous economic policies, millions on food stamps do exactly that.  Or, they sell their foodstamp bennies to their neighbor ($2 in bennies for each dollar in cash) and use the money to get cigarettes and scratch-off tickets.  This is also known as Economic Stimulus.

In one of the most popular books ever written, a fictional character named Don Quixote had jousting contests with windmills. Today, Barack Obama intends to power the American economy with windmills and algae.  Coincidentally, "Quixote" is Elizabeth Warren's Cherokee name.

In 1929, Muhotdog Gandhi expressed his revolutionary fervor by marching to the beach and making salt.  Today, Michelle Obama went back in time and beat Gandhi with her bat'leth because salt tastes good and contributes to heart disease.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Barry disturbing events

The pResident is on his bike, clad in mom jeans, an ill-fitting helmet and goofy sunglasses.  He is pedaling about the White House grounds, looking for David Axelrod.

[Obama] "Axe!  There you are!  What's going on?  I went to bed the other night, after thoughtfully choosing 'The Avengers' underoos, with things looking good all across the board.  Now look!"

[Axelrod] "Can you be more specific?"

[Obama] "Where to start?!  Lessee, a penitentiary inmate in WV got almost as many votes as me.  Übér-rèïchführér Walker did great in the Wisconsin primaries.  NC, the state we selected for my DNC coronation, banned gay marriage!  How do we get our liberal base excited about going to NC now?  My grand styrofoam columns will be erected before an empty coliseum!!  And Romney is polling ahead of me in many crucial swing states!"

[Axelrod] "First off.  You got way outta hand with the diacritical marks in your faux-German."

[Obama] "Needless distraction!"

[Axelrod] "Secondly, Romney's campaign staff is making..."

[Obama, interrupting] "I. Can't. Lose. To. That. Guy!  He is such an uncool, rigid dork.  So very unlike me."  [gestures to mom jeans and bike helmet] "Getting beat by him would be like going to middle school and getting beat up by the special-ed kid."

[Axelrod, befuddled] "But that happened to you all the time..."

[Obama, clenched fists and stamping feet] "I know!  And I'm sick of it!"

[Axelrod] "OK, the main thing that's happening is the media hasn't been showing proper deference.  They've been hassling Carney about your 'evolving' stance on gay marriage.  And you know that scruffy kid from Media Matters?  The one you're particularly fond of?  Well, he was on Anderson Cooper the other day to talk about the 'war on women.'  Some vestigial trace of journalistic integrity must've gotten a hold of AC, 'cuz ol' Coop just ripped the kid up.  Made him, (and you, by extension) look really stupid."

[Obama] "Alright.  That's how it going to be, eh?  The gloves come off.  Right Now!" [storms angrily towards White House]

Meanwhile, a press conference is being hosted by Carney.  Biden is present also - alone in the corner, struggling with one of those bouncy ball-rubber band-wooden paddle toys.


[Biden, quietly] "Oooh! A 3!"

[Carney] "OK, I have time for one more question before I have to go and finish my shift at Arby's.  Yes, go ahead."

[reporter] "Is the pResident finally going to bite the pillow, ahem, 'bullet' and reveal that he's in favor of gay marriage?"

[Carney] "We've been over this already.  The pResident's position is evolving.  Evolving takes time.  Evolution makes glaciers look like race cars.  So, nobody really knows."

Obama kicks the door open.  He rushes in and takes the mic.  "Cooper!  C'mon, Andy!  I know you're in here!"

[Dan Lothian, CNN WH correspondent] "Sir, Anderson is not here.  Probably in the Atlanta or NY studio."

Obama, eyes ablaze with rage, raises his hand with fingers curled, (like that priest dude in Temple of Doom just before doing a heart-ectomy on a victim.)  The pResident begins to hum a tone of a very specific frequency, which is a multiple of the harmonic of the wavelength of his ears...  (The math gets complicated here).  His pendulous ears begin to vibrate...  A standing wave is forming, the very air seeming to shimmer...  The entire room begins to shake at the same frequency as his ears... 

[Biden] "He has... the Weirding Way!!"

[Lothian] "What does that mean?"

[Biden] "I have no idea!"

The oscillations grow in amplitude...  Atmospheric pressure builds on human skulls...  The weaker in the room collapse in pain/fear...  Those still lucid seek to flee...

[Biden - blissfully unaffected - to Lothian, who is writhing on the floor] "Hey, do your eardrums feel like when you're up in an airplane?"

Spacetime is unable to withstand the power of The Ears...  A rift forms...  Anderson Cooper is drawn through the wormhole.  He lands in a disheveled heap on the floor.

[Cooper] "What the...?"

[Obama] "You!  You have publicly questioned my handling of the War on Women.  Thankfully, your network has lousy ratings.  But still."

[Cooper, realizing where he is] "Oh!  Mr. President!  Hey, I'm as liberal as they come.  But to claim that taking money out of the barrycare slush fund to keep student loan interest rates down is somehow akin to a War on Women, that's not liberal.  It's not progressive.  It's just stupid.  I can't let it go unchallenged."

[Obama] "Do you realize who you're talking to?  I killed bin Laden, yet you question my prosecution of a war?  How many bin Ladens have you killed, Mr. War Expert?"

[Cooper] "Geez.  This is so ridiculous."

[Obama] "There's only one way to settle this.  You. Me. Thunderdome.  Now."

[crowd begins chant] "Two swish enter.  One swish leave.  Two swish enter.  One swish leave."

Later that afternoon...

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  How'd that Twinkledome thing go?"

[Obama, with black eye, cuts, scrapes, scratch marks, and fat lip] "I *HATE* getting beat up by the special-ed kids!"

Monday, May 7, 2012

Good News/Bad News

Good News!



Is good news even possible?  Kinda.  But it has to be paired with bad news.  You know, Laws of Physics - "equal and opposite reaction" kind of stuff.

Pic found here.  This is not the noisy kidlet mentioned below, but close enough.
First, the good news:  Stepdaughter-in-law and her two noisy kidlets are out of my house.   Stress levels have dropped from "ultra-critical" to merely "elevated." Regularly scheduled irregular blogging set to resume within short order.
Now, the bad news:  My "screw blogging, I have too WAYYYYY too much BS to deal with" hiatus, combined with zero vocals submitted so far, means I'ma prolly gonna punt on that song project.  Connoisseurs of Fine Music and those that value their sense of hearing may not regard this news as "bad."

The good news:  My wife is beautiful and sexy and clever and kinda sneaky.  She could probably have a lucrative career as some kind of female James Bond kind of character.
The bad news:  The above will NEVER happen, because she can't keep a secret.  At all.  Ever.
The good news:  Because she can't keep a secret, I found out this weekend that she bought me a gun for our 10th anniversary.
The bad news:  Our anniversary is in late July.  Our FFL friend already has the gun.  But I can't have it 'til the anniversary!!  Neither wife nor FFL friend will even tell me what kind it is.  GRAAAH!  Why didn't I marry her in May??!!?!?!!!  I can't stannnnnd it!!!  She won't even tell me what she paid for it, other than that it is in the range of $X to $(X+200), and within that range are only found Nice Guns.  Makes me even more anxious!


The good news:  Financial position has improved enough that I have given notice at my early AM gruntjob.  Only question left is whether, on my last day, to leave graciously or to yank the lever on the fire suppression system and run out the door cackling maniacally.
The bad news:  Financial position has improved mainly because Mother-in-Law and Brother-in-Law will likely be living with us for the indefinite future.  That really isn't as bad as may sound, especially with SDiL and grandkids out.   MiL and BiL are helping a lot with household expenses.  Basically, I'm trading "early AM horrific toilet splatter and 2nd-degree deep fryer burns" for "letting the in-laws move in for a while."  The jury has not yet rendered a verdict, but I think this will turn out to be a favorable trade.
The good news:  Max, next time you're coming home from the coast and your dog is in the backseat of the car whining and doing the "hurry up and let me out!" crappy dance, plunk your pooch down right in the middle of the grassy patch in front of the restaurant.  I won't care.

Good news:  The pocketknife I wanted went on clearance at Big 5, for barely a third of the cost that it was six months ago.
Bad news:  I needed a new pocketknife 'cuz my old one went AWOL about a month ago.  I *NEVER* misplace my keys, wallet, wristwatch, or wedding ring.  But knives seem to elude me.  Drives me nuts.  Walking around without a knife sucks.  I use 'em all the time.  But if I were to replace it immediately, the old one would turn up the next day.  So I've waited about a month.  Means the other one is probably gone forever.  Which is OK, 'cuz if I were to find it, I'd want to carry both.  Then I'd be tempted to do a dramatic two-handed quickdraw thing, but my left hand is too uncoordinated and I'd end up in the ER.  So, sometimes bad news is really good news in disguise.


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