Every stinking channel??

[voiceover]
-----------
Janet, Janet, we adore thee.  We think you are super hot.
-----------
I don't go out on dates any more.  My life could get no lamer.
I sit in the scan booth and play with myself.  I'm a TSA'er!
-----------
I'm on the edge of hurling
Napolitano's face makes me spew
I'm on the edge of hurling
Starting to gag what about you?
------------
[voiceover]
------------
And here's to you, Ms. Napolitano

We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)

Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano

If you want to, you can find a way

(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

You'd like to know a little bit about me for your files

You think we're just like Al-Qaeda

Look around you, what you see are loyal, patriot eyes

God & guns & liberty do not make me the bad guy

Middle finger for you, Ms. Napolitano

We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)

Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano

Criminals crossing every single day (Hey, hey, hey...ho, ho, ho)

Sneakin' 'cross the desert where no one ever goes

Killin' ranchers, stealing IDs

It's a little secret, just Napolitano's affair

Worst of all is when they light the desert on fire

Cuckoo, screw you, Ms. Napolitano

We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)

Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano

Even though we're pretty sure you're gay (Hey, hey, hey...ha, ha, ha)

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon

While all the candidates debate

Blog about it, shout about it

When you've got to choose

Ev'ry way you look at it, we're screwed

What have you done, Barack Hussein-O

Lib'rals turned their teary eyes to you (Boo hoo hoo)

What's that you say, Ms.Napolitano?

Hopenchange got on the plane and flew away

(Hey, hey, hey...vacay today)

Silly song o' the week

In  light of Paula Deen's comments, ("Michelle Obama loves fried food and ate more than any other guest I've had on my show") and MichelleO's own recent comments, this song may be more true than not.



Alternate link to download and play in preferred media player

Turkey legs make her smile
Donuts light up her eyes
She'll slap up your face then hog the moon pies
The skin she reveals, you won't want to see
She whines like a child,
Her thighs jiggle like Jell-O at sea.

She can give you a shove
She can take all the wagyu
She'll say "your kid's fat!"
And then nanny-state you
She shnorks down the best US Prime Grade A beef
Like Commander in Thief
But she's always MichelleO to me

CHORUS:
Oh--she looks out for herself
She can eat what she wants
Always dinner time
Oh--and she never cuts back
And she never gives in
She just eats the pork rinds

She eats up more tacos
Than hundreds of heathen
You take her last biscuit
And you'll be the one bleedin'!!
She gobbles the best US Prime Grade A beef
Blame it all on Gee-Dubya
Cause she's always MichelleO to me
--Mhmm--

Bridge

CHORUS:
Ouch!  She just bit off my thumb!
Can you get me a towel
And then call 9-1-1 ??
Ouch!  She just did it again!
Can't believe how it bled!
Oooh! I can get SSI

She is infrequently kind
And she's usually cruel
She can do as she pleases
'Cuz barry's a fool
Got my kids hidden safely up in a tree
'Cuz it's scary as hell, that Michelle My Belle
When she snarls like a wookie at me

Park of the Whining Scum

OK.  Seriously.  I started this song a loooong time ago, back when the occudorks were still kind of relevant.  But there were a number of problems.  First, I couldn't get the timing on the arpeggios to my satisfaction.  Secondly, I don't know how to play keyboard instruments worth pbthbth.  So I used the bass and cranked it up two octaves in the software, which made it sound pretty cool.  Interesting swells and stuff in there that can't really be heard at normal frequencies.  But it still really stunk, terrible timing.  Sounded like 4 bad musicians playing 4 different songs at the same time.  (In other words, "jazz").  So I downloaded a MIDI app.  Never used one before - this is the first effort.  All the instruments you hear are ordinary MIDI voices that came either with Windows or my sound card.  My cheap-o $9 mic's cord is failing, so I had to sit super still and there's still a lot of garbling.  Oh well.  (Plus, it would help if I could actually sing.  But you knew that already.)

--------------------------------

While the original author is unknown, this song was popularized by The Animals and covered by lots of bands including The Doors.  So I present to you my version.  And remember, it isn't "bad" it's, um, "campy."  Yeah, campy.



If that doesn't work, here's an Alternate Link to download and/or play in Windows Media Player (or similar).

There is a park in NYC
Occupied by whining scum
They raped each other and took dumps on the street
A perfect storm of dumb

Now the only thing a hippie needs
Is a dry tent and bong
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's banging' a gong

Bloomberg kicked some of 'em out
But quite a few remain
I tell you what they play those drums one more bleeping time
I'm gonna beat 'em with a chain.

Mothers don't let your children
Run up debt on stupid degrees
You know the kind I'm talkin' about
Their PhD's in Puppetry

They twinkled up and they twinkled down
They twinkled all around
They twinkled in cups, vases and pots
And even on the ground

Well, there is a park in NYC
Occupied by whining scum
They raped each other and took craps on the street
A perfect storm of dumb


I am still interested in collaborating on some of these silly things.  I'm so not a musician, but I think it'd be fun and we could probably get a better result together than me doing everything.  The software is all free and not that hard to figure out.  We could get some shared space on Drop Box or one of the cloud-based services to exchange files.  Lemme know.

Air Traveler's Lament

This actually started out a long time ago as a comment I left at King Shamus' place. Finally got around to finishing it up.  Some people had trouble with my audio-only attempts in the past, so I used YouTube again since it is pretty much universally supported. 

I still can't sing and the editing has a few choppy spots but I hope you like it. The voice of the PA announcer and of the icky TSA guy are my wife! (So be nice!)

Bin Laden Went Down to Pakistan

OK, the blog has been neglected lately. I hope this (at least partially) makes up for it. It was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. I don't mind country music, but I don't really count myself a fan. But to me this song has always ROCKED!




I started this a few days ago before barry & the boys started changing their story. So it is no longer as "historically accurate" as it was the day OBL's death was announced.

Feel free to link and/or embed a copy if you like this. Also, it is my first youtube so please lemme know if it misbehaves.

Some parts of the song Charlie sings like a friggin' auctioneer and I can't really keep up. Written lyrics below for those who can't understand my mushmouth.


Bin Laden went to Pakistan, fear he was startin' to feel
He was in a bind, had to hide his behind, Americans pursuin' him with zeal.
Then he came across some Navy SEALs in a chopper, comin' in hot.
Bin Laden jumped behind a girl and said "Oh crap, I've been caught!"

"Now I may have failing kidneys, but I'm a rifle shooter, too
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll shoot it out with you.
"Now you have a pretty good rifle, boy, but give Allah his due:
"Convert or die, whore infidel!  Akbar allahu!"

The SEALs said: "We're here for you Osama, there's no way that you can win
"Tonight you die, you sonvabitch, 'cuz we're the best there's ever been!"

Johnny's magazine is full, pilot pulls up hard.
Hell's broke loose in Pakistan, Bin Laden's drawn death card.
He can't win, he'll get no Paradise or gold
But when he loses, the devil gets his soul.

The SEALs flicked their safeties off and said "time to start this show."
And fire flew from their barrel tips, Bin Laden felt the blows.
Osama gathered himself one last time and made an evil hiss.
Then a few more SEALs joined in and it sounded something like this:
[simulated combat]
With Osama finished, Johnny said: "Now you're dead, oh, Bin Laden.
"That big hole in your skull, right there, thats' how SEALs git-r-done!"

Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties?  Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."

The hole in his head proved to all that he'd been beat.
Deep red blood pooled on the ground around the SEALs' feet.
"My soul is now in the fire, I know not what to do
"For I find out too much late that Allah is a Joooooooo!"

Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties?  Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."

Jim Croce's turn to cry

So maybe my slaughtering of "Leader of the Band" left you wanting more... if so here's

I Got a Name

I'd been working for quite a while on "reverse engineering" this song by playing the different instruments and recording track-by-track in Audacity.  It is darned hard.  Not just the technical aspects of getting it to sound right, but the musicianship is really hard to match.  Then I noticed the new beta version of Audacity has a "remove vocals" effect.  I tried it on the original song and it got rid of most of the vocals.  So I stopped trying to pretend I'm a musician and just added my lyrics.  Which, of course are out of my "decent" singing range and through a crummy mic.  But there was also a lot of reverb that the effect didn't catch.  So you can kinda hear Jim in the background here and there, lamenting what I've done to his great song...

Hear the call to prayer and I'm on my way,
I've got a name, Barry Hussein.
Like the braying ass with his bale of hay,
I've got it made, I've got it made.
I hate this country just like my daddy did
And his dad before him, and my momma Stan.
Putting it down the fairway,
Putting it down the fairway,
Playing some golf then I'm gonna go get high.

Like the north wind whistlin' down the sky
I've got a song, I've got a song, MMM MMM MMM
Like the whippoorwill and the baby's cry
Whippoorwill? What's that? Hope it don't attack!
It's all about me and I sing it loud
Economy goin' nowhere, Michelle so proud
Puttin' it down the fairway
Puttin' it down the fairway
Playing some golf then I'm gonna go get high


Secret Service take good care of me


Like the commie I am and I'll always be
I've got a dream, my father's dream
Tea Partiers out there actin' whacked
Always givin' me flak, just because I'm black
I'll give you a bailout if you want me to
If you're on a vacay, I'll go with you
Puttin' it down the fairway
Puttin' it down the fairway
Playing some golf then I'm gonna go get high

Apologies to Dan Fogelburp

Yeah, Paul Shanklin doesn't really need to worry about me taking his job any time soon. As my friends at church say "You don't sing worth a phbbbt but you do a pretty good, um, 'joyous noise.' "

I do hereby give you my first homebrew .mp3

BALLAD OF ALBERT GORE

Lyrics and liner notes:

An obese man alone and wild, A coal magnate's son
Hired her to do some work on his adductors and his bunz.
Hockey stick show out on the road, hypocritic ways
Demanded Cap-n-Trade taxes we never could repay.

A lefty politician denied historic fate
Tried to be the president once
Hanging chads and Bush and hate
He earned his dough through deception
That blowhard wooden man
His ruthless way of fudging data
Took me years to understand.

The wiener in his hand is tired
Tipper's love has long grown cold
But his blood runs through his instrument
Second chakra still on hold --
His life has been a poor attempt
To get a happy end
Al Gore's a raving lunatic
With his wiener in his hand.

Al Gore's the King of Moonbats
With his wiener in his hand.

For those who are interested, this was recorded on Audacity, a freebie multitrack sound editor I found at sourceforge.  The acoustic is a hand-me-down Matao done in two tracks: one strummed, another (poorly) fingerpicked.  It doesn't have pickups, so I scotch taped my $9 PC microphone to the body of the guitar near the soundhole.  The bass track was done on a cheapo Gibson Squire bass.  The frightful vocals were done on the same $9 PC mike, and an the ending was done on an econo Ibanez GRX40 through a tiny little Crate amp with all its knobs turned to "ludicrously obnoxious."

I'm still an utter novice at this, and wouldn't mind hearing from any of you that may be more experienced at this.  I also think it would be fun if a bunch of us downloaded Audacity and then each contributed a few lines to a redneck/Tea Party remix of We Are the World.