Saturday, September 14, 2013

Dume! Dume! We're all dumed!

[Michelle Otreides] "Babe, I'm about to shoot that PSA about drinking water.  I need your honest opinion on something, so tell me the truth..."

[RuPaul Otreides] "Hon, you, uh, know, uh, how I struggle with 'truth' and that whenever I try to speak it, I stammer like Fonzie when he tried to admit he was wrr-wro-wr-wrong."

[MichelleO] "Try your best.  Now, tell me:  Does this stillsuit make my butt look big?"

[RuPaul O, face contorting] "Wr-wro-wrrrr...  Um.  So.  Um, you know those funhouse mirrors that make a person look super skinny?  If you wired up three of those mirrors in series, you'd still be a little wider than average."

[MichelleO, angrily] "Graah!" [draws concealed bat'leth and charges]

RuPaul Otreides is unharmed, as his personal Holtzman Effect force field repels the blade.  Michelle O leaves in frustration, to meet the crew who will be shooting the water PSA.

[RuPaul Otreides] "Yeah, while you're out doing that, I'll be, um, working on the Middle East and stuff."

MichelleO meets a crowd of admirers and children outside.

[Director] "Places!  3..2..1.. Action!"

[MichelleO] "Hi. I'm First Lady of Barrakis Michelle Otreides and this is my friend Eva Bongwhoria."

[Eva] "Hi!"

[MichelleO] "We're here to talk about the importance of drinking lots of water."

[Little girl] "But we live in a freakin' desert!  There is no water!"

[MichelleO] "You're right!  We live in a desert because of global warming!  But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the benefits of drinking water.  That's why we're handing out these free government stillsuits.  They're so cool.  They even have the Otreides logo embroidered on them.  See, you put this on, and it recycles all your sweat and whizz and stuff so you can drink it again.  Recycling is also good for the planet!"  [excitedly] "Is everybody with me?"

[Little girl] "No!  I only drink Kool-Aid, Pepsi, and Rock Stars."

[MichelleO] "And that's exactly how you got to be such a fat graceless cow!"

[Little girl] "And you only drink water?"

[MichelleO] "Yes!"

[Little girl] "Then what's your excuse?"

[Camera operator turns away, trying to stifle a snortLOL]

[MichelleO] "Wait. What? Are you saying I'm a..." [screams an enraged scream and stomps off the set]

The First Lady's stomps, combined with her thighs slapping up against each other, create a thumping effect that proves irresistible to a nearby sandworm.  The sandworm suddenly and violently breaches the ground and swallows the First Lady whole.

[sandworm, in Jersey accent] "Blech!" [vigorously spits First Lady out.  She lands some distance away in an unceremonious heap of sand, melange, and worm spit] "Tic-Tac!  Mentos!  Anything!  Help me out, I'm dyin' ovah hee-yuh!" [disappears back into the ground]

Meanwhile, at MSNBC studios...

[Chris Matthews] "Good evening, I'm Chris Matthews and I'm here with our dreamy super-groovy ├╝ber-smart President, RuPaul Otreides.  Mr. President, let's begin with the situation in Middle East."

[RuPaul Otreides] "Let me be clear: Bashar al-Harkonnen is no friend of House Otreides.  But we're not going to get involved in their internal matters.  It is his civil war and we're content to let him butcher people."

[Matthews] "But what would happen, say, if he were to use WMDs?"

[RuPaul Otreides] "That would be crossing a red line.  That would change our thinking.  That would change our calculus."

[Matthews] "Whoa!  I knew you were smart, but I had no idea you knew calculus!  So, you can really, like, calculate the flux through a 3D surface using a triple integral?"

[RuPaul Otreides] "Ha!  No.  That's just a figure of speech.  I topped out at algebra.  And even then I was so choomed up on the spice that I don't remember much except that usually x=7 and y=4.  Usually.  Not always.  That's why they're called variables or something."

[Matthews, finger to his earpiece] "Breaking news!  Bashar al-Harkonnen just used his Family Atomics against his own people.  Mr. President, now what?"

[RuPaul Otreides] "You cross this red line, you die!  OK, you cross this red line you die!  OK, you cross this red line, I'm not going to play golf with you.  But seriously, uh.  Umm.  I'll get back to you." [leaves hastily]

Later that day, RuPaul Otreides meets some colleagues at a Lodge Meeting of the Loyal Order of RINOs.

[John McMentat] "This makes me so mad..."

[audience] "How mad is he???!?"

[John McMentat] "It infuriates me that computers are illegal in this universe, because I'd really like to be playing video poker on my iPhone right now."

[RuPaul Otreides] "John, I need your advice.  What should I do about Bashar al-Harkonnen?"

[John McMentat] "Bomb!  Bomb, I say!  I particularly enjoy bombing commies and brown people.  Better still, brown commies.  But if all there is to bomb is a pasty white Paraguayan papaya picker, well, bombs aweigh!  I just love me the smell of jet fuel and high explosives!"

[RuPaul Otreides] "Agreed."


[RuPaul Otreides, addressing the nation] "My fellow people of Barrakis, the time has come to intervene.  Bashar al-Harkonnen has used his Family Atomics on his own people.  To my friends on the Right, be assured:  Lots of brown commies will die as a result of our relentless attack.  To my friends on the Left, be assured:  This is a surgical strike that will have minimal effect.  A pinprick.  A tiny prick that should be just enough to salvage my legitimacy and discourage the further use of Family Atomics."


On the other side of the globe, Vladimir Harkonnevich and Bashar al-Harkonnen watch the broadcast intently.

[Vladimir] "Ha!  He again tries his Tiny Prick strategy!"

[Bashar] "Vlad, you smiled.  This is strange."

[Vladimir] "I reserve an occasional smile for special occasions such as this."

[Bashar's son] "My father, you derive much joy from this."

[Bashar] "Yes. Much merriment."

[Vladimir] "Da.  Is great sport.  Should be Olympic.  I vould vin Gold Medal."

[Bashar's son] "I only wish that computers were legal in this universe, 'cuz right now, I'd love to be on Facebook mocking President Otreides."


There might be more to this story but the Beaver game is about to start.  So, finis.  For now...


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