Barry Porous Border

A cabinet meeting.  Usual suspects in attendance.  Obama enters

[Obama] "Good morning!"

[collective groans and mutterings]

[Obama] "What's up?  Everybody still recovering from the weekend?  Dang, Eric, your hair seems to have gotten a lot grayer since Friday.  And you, Joe, look like a wreck.  What's happening around here?"

[Holder] "Well boss, my hair isn't so much 'grayer' as it is 'more singed'.  See, I was destroying IRS hard drives like you asked.  But the wood chipper was getting dull, so I started looking for a Plan B.  I got a hold of an acetylene torch.  I figured I'd just cut those hard drives into little pieces.  But I've never used a torch like that before.  There's these crazy gauges on the bottle, and all these valves everywhere.  Valves on the bottle.  Valves on the base of the torch.  I dunno how all that crap works.  But I did learn one thing:  stub out you smoldering choom before messing with acetylene."

[Obama] "Wow!  At least you're OK"

[Holder] "Yeah, but my ears are still ringing and my garage door landed in Hoboken.

[Obama] "Joe!  You must have partied hard! 'Cuz I've never seen a nearly bald guy with a Mohawk."

[Biden] "Umm, well, this morning after I shaved, I noticed my sideburns weren't quite even.  So I tried to trim the one side.  Then it was a little too high, so I tried to trim the other side.  Then it was a little too high, and next thing ya know, I look like this!  By the way, I prefer to call it a 'Joehawk' and I actually kind like it."

[Obama] "Well, enough with the downtwinkles you guys.  We gotta liven this up!"

The pResident steps out and steps back in just moments later, wearing tight black bellbottom polyester pants and a sequined shirt.  A Mariachi band follows him.

[Obama, singing (poorly)] "Far!  They've been travelin' far!  Left their homes.  But not without a Star!" [aside] "Which would be ME!" [points to Val Jarrett] [Mariachi band kicks in, playing exuberantly]

[Jarrett, singing proudly] "Free!  They want stuff for free!  They huddle close, to fit more on the train!"

[Obama] "Yeah!"  [points to SecDHS Jeh Johnson]


[Johnson, singing] "On the trucks and on the trains, they're comin' to America.  Never looking back again, they bringin' in chlamydia!"




[Obama nods and dances.  Jarrett waves a lighter.  Obama points to National Security Adviser Donilon]


[Donilon, singing triumphantly] "Home! Just a Rio Grande away!  Crossing over night and day! We'll put 'em up in a dorm, put 'em up in a dorm.

[Obama, points to Eric Holder]


[Holder singing, strutting about like Travolta in Grease] "Home!  To a new and a shiny place!  Give 'em beds and a parking space!  Freedom's light burning out... Freedom's light burning out"


[Obama] "Everywhere around the world, they're coming to America.  I know I throw just like a girl, still they're comin' to America!"  [Points to SecState Kerry]


[Kerry, singing badly with that snooty nasal/breathy thing he does] "Got a DREAM Act to draw 'em here, they're comin' to America.  Hidden drugs in their underwear! They're comin' to America!"

[Jarrett] "They bringin' in malaria!"

[Donilon] "Bringin' in chlamydia!

[Biden, hesitating] "umm" [sound effect of record scratch, music stops] "Uhh.. Hmmm.  Oh! - bringin' in tuberculosis-uhh" [music resumes]

[All] "They votin' Democratica!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!"

[Obama] "This country, I piss on thee!" [others quietly echo "hooray!"]
[Obama] "Way too much liberty!"  ("hooray!")
[Obama] "Oe'r thee I reign!" ("hooray!")
[Obama] "Oe'r thee I reign!" ("hooray!")


[Obama] "Well, that was fun.  Who's up for some Chipotle?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's the real version, which I like quite a lot

Barry hellish healthcare debacle

Late at night, a sleepless pResident paces around the bedroom.  Nearby, MichelleO snores noisily through her CPAP mask.  The pResident takes a deep breath to build his resolve, and heads toward the bathroom.  He takes a quick look at his haggard face and shuts off the lights.

[Obama] "One bloody Marx.  Two bloody Marx.  Three bloody Marx." [turns lights back on]

The half-smiling, half-glowering face of Satan appears in the mirror opposite the pResident!

[Obama] "Lu, we gotta talk.  Step through the mirror please."

The Devil steps through the mirror and appears in corporeal form.

[Devil] "Yeah, 'Bams, whassup?"

[Obama] "My second-term agenda is more gummed up than the plumbing under a Guatemalan hair salon.  And it's all your fault!"

[Devil] "My fault?  Moi?  I'm flattered that you think so, but I'm sure you're mistaken."

[Obama] "Our deal was that you'd get me comprehensive healthcare reform in exchange for my soul.  Now everything sucks so bad I'm probably gonna lose the Senate majority and there'll be Tea Party freaks running all over the House.  This is NOT what I signed up for!"

[Devil] "Did you even read our contract?"

[Obama] "It's like, almost a thousand pages long!  Of course I didn't read it!"

[Devil] "Savor the irony!  What our deal actually said, was, that you could write any healthcare bill you wanted, and I'd get it passed.  In exchange, I'd get your soul to put in a jar on my mantle.  You could have gotten the public option!  You could have gotten single payer!  But no, you didn't read our agreement!  You just merrily handed the whole thing off to Baucus and Pelosi and Sebelius.  That you would do something so stump-humpingly stupid is very much NOT MY FAULT!"

[Obama] "Why do you hate me so much?"

[Devil] "Nothing personal.  I hate everybody.  Seriously.  Well, except that fat little bastard from North Korea.  Kim Dong Poon or whatever the heck his name is.  He's pretty cool.  The rest of ya, well, I want to ruin everything and then kill you.  Tell you the truth, though..."

[Obama] "Wait.  I though you were unable to tell the truth.  Father of Lies and all that stuff."

[Devil] "I can tell the truth, when it is to my advantage.  I don't like it much, though.  Makes me nauseous.  After speaking truth, I have to visit an inner-city Planned Parenthood and watch some crackhead pseudodoctor cut up babies for a while.  You know, to settle my stomach.  But what I was about to say is that I'm not so pleased with our little deal, either.  I was expecting to claim the soul of a Great American President.  One beloved and accomplished and adored.  Now, I'll be lucky if I end up with the soul of an inept Chicago thug.  Lemme tell ya, I already have a warehouse full of those.  Not really jazzed about getting another."

[Obama] "Hey!  I am beloved and accomplished and adored!"

[Devil] "Really?  We need an impartial judge.  I'm gonna go wake MichelleO and see what she thinks."

[Obama] "No!  Do not interrupt Sleeping Booty's slumber!  That is EXTREMELY unwise!  There'll be, er, hell to pay!"

[Devil] "Ha!  What could be so bad?  You're just afraid she'll side with me!"

The Devil pokes MichelleO in the forehead with the point of his tail.  She bats it away and rolls over, without waking.  The Devil repeats this maneuver,  but more forcibly.  MichelleO sits up abruptly in bed and throws her CPAP mask aside like a Philadelphia Flyer might cast aside his helmet before a center-ice brawl.  She graps Old Scratch by the lapel and pulls herself within about an inch of his face.

[MichelleO] "You will pay for you insolence!  First, I will devour you whole, like that hamhock the other day...  Then I will slowly digest you...  And when I am done adding your evil to my own, and all that is left of you is that which feels pain...  I will slowly, over the course of a thousand years, crap you out over a giant heap of burning American flags... Where you will writhe in powerless agony!"

[Obama] "It's like falling into the Sarlacc, but worse."

[Devil, visibly panicked] "I've seen her naked.  It'd be WAY worse!" [closes eyes] Like a good neighbor, Statist Farm is there!"

Poof!  The devil disappears.

[MichelleO, angrily] "Grah!" [makes Sith gesture towards closet.  A broom flies out, straight into her hand.  She mounts it, and heads off in pursuit of Satan.


A few minutes later, the Devil returns.

[Devil] "I think I lost her."

[Obama] "As I was saying, I *am* adored and accomplished and all that.  Even the wingnuts can't help but honoring me.  They call me TelePrompTer Jesus.  And you know how  much those clingers like that Jesus dude."

[Devil]  "They're actually calling you 'TelePrompDerp Cheezits.'  I thought for sure those elephantine ears of yours would catch that subtlety.  Disappointing, really."

[Obama, getting his hissy on] "You're a liar!  And so is your boyfriend!"

[Devil] "Hey, now, let's leave Eric Holder out of this!"

[Obama] "Catch faceAIDS and die in a fire!"

[Devil] "Oh yeah?  Get dickscabies and fall off a cliff!  Like your approval rating!  Ha!"

[Obama, regaining composure] "Alright, alright.  We're both horribly dissatisfied.  Let's work together and make this a win/win, OK?"

[Devil] "Oh, I'm way ahead of you.  Have you been wondering why Boehner is on such an amnesty-fap lately?  It was my idea.  I just whispered it in his ear.  America has been a powerful force for good in the world.  You've tried to bring America down.  I admire that.  But you're just not up to the job.  We need a couple million more Dem voters on the welfare roll, so we gotta pass us some amnesty.  That'll bring down the Republicans, *AND* ruin America!"

[Obama, megawatt grin] "Now we're talkin'!"

Dume! Dume! We're all dumed!

[Michelle Otreides] "Babe, I'm about to shoot that PSA about drinking water.  I need your honest opinion on something, so tell me the truth..."

[RuPaul Otreides] "Hon, you, uh, know, uh, how I struggle with 'truth' and that whenever I try to speak it, I stammer like Fonzie when he tried to admit he was wrr-wro-wr-wrong."

[MichelleO] "Try your best.  Now, tell me:  Does this stillsuit make my butt look big?"

[RuPaul O, face contorting] "Wr-wro-wrrrr...  Um.  So.  Um, you know those funhouse mirrors that make a person look super skinny?  If you wired up three of those mirrors in series, you'd still be a little wider than average."

[MichelleO, angrily] "Graah!" [draws concealed bat'leth and charges]

RuPaul Otreides is unharmed, as his personal Holtzman Effect force field repels the blade.  Michelle O leaves in frustration, to meet the crew who will be shooting the water PSA.

[RuPaul Otreides] "Yeah, while you're out doing that, I'll be, um, working on the Middle East and stuff."

MichelleO meets a crowd of admirers and children outside.

[Director] "Places!  3..2..1.. Action!"

[MichelleO] "Hi. I'm First Lady of Barrakis Michelle Otreides and this is my friend Eva Bongwhoria."

[Eva] "Hi!"

[MichelleO] "We're here to talk about the importance of drinking lots of water."

[Little girl] "But we live in a freakin' desert!  There is no water!"

[MichelleO] "You're right!  We live in a desert because of global warming!  But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the benefits of drinking water.  That's why we're handing out these free government stillsuits.  They're so cool.  They even have the Otreides logo embroidered on them.  See, you put this on, and it recycles all your sweat and whizz and stuff so you can drink it again.  Recycling is also good for the planet!"  [excitedly] "Is everybody with me?"

[Little girl] "No!  I only drink Kool-Aid, Pepsi, and Rock Stars."

[MichelleO] "And that's exactly how you got to be such a fat graceless cow!"

[Little girl] "And you only drink water?"

[MichelleO] "Yes!"

[Little girl] "Then what's your excuse?"

[Camera operator turns away, trying to stifle a snortLOL]

[MichelleO] "Wait. What? Are you saying I'm a..." [screams an enraged scream and stomps off the set]

The First Lady's stomps, combined with her thighs slapping up against each other, create a thumping effect that proves irresistible to a nearby sandworm.  The sandworm suddenly and violently breaches the ground and swallows the First Lady whole.

[sandworm, in Jersey accent] "Blech!" [vigorously spits First Lady out.  She lands some distance away in an unceremonious heap of sand, melange, and worm spit] "Tic-Tac!  Mentos!  Anything!  Help me out, I'm dyin' ovah hee-yuh!" [disappears back into the ground]

Meanwhile, at MSNBC studios...

[Chris Matthews] "Good evening, I'm Chris Matthews and I'm here with our dreamy super-groovy über-smart President, RuPaul Otreides.  Mr. President, let's begin with the situation in Middle East."

[RuPaul Otreides] "Let me be clear: Bashar al-Harkonnen is no friend of House Otreides.  But we're not going to get involved in their internal matters.  It is his civil war and we're content to let him butcher people."

[Matthews] "But what would happen, say, if he were to use WMDs?"

[RuPaul Otreides] "That would be crossing a red line.  That would change our thinking.  That would change our calculus."

[Matthews] "Whoa!  I knew you were smart, but I had no idea you knew calculus!  So, you can really, like, calculate the flux through a 3D surface using a triple integral?"

[RuPaul Otreides] "Ha!  No.  That's just a figure of speech.  I topped out at algebra.  And even then I was so choomed up on the spice that I don't remember much except that usually x=7 and y=4.  Usually.  Not always.  That's why they're called variables or something."

[Matthews, finger to his earpiece] "Breaking news!  Bashar al-Harkonnen just used his Family Atomics against his own people.  Mr. President, now what?"

[RuPaul Otreides] "You cross this red line, you die!  OK, you cross this red line you die!  OK, you cross this red line, I'm not going to play golf with you.  But seriously, uh.  Umm.  I'll get back to you." [leaves hastily]

Later that day, RuPaul Otreides meets some colleagues at a Lodge Meeting of the Loyal Order of RINOs.

[John McMentat] "This makes me so mad..."

[audience] "How mad is he???!?"

[John McMentat] "It infuriates me that computers are illegal in this universe, because I'd really like to be playing video poker on my iPhone right now."

[RuPaul Otreides] "John, I need your advice.  What should I do about Bashar al-Harkonnen?"

[John McMentat] "Bomb!  Bomb, I say!  I particularly enjoy bombing commies and brown people.  Better still, brown commies.  But if all there is to bomb is a pasty white Paraguayan papaya picker, well, bombs aweigh!  I just love me the smell of jet fuel and high explosives!"

[RuPaul Otreides] "Agreed."

---------------------------

[RuPaul Otreides, addressing the nation] "My fellow people of Barrakis, the time has come to intervene.  Bashar al-Harkonnen has used his Family Atomics on his own people.  To my friends on the Right, be assured:  Lots of brown commies will die as a result of our relentless attack.  To my friends on the Left, be assured:  This is a surgical strike that will have minimal effect.  A pinprick.  A tiny prick that should be just enough to salvage my legitimacy and discourage the further use of Family Atomics."

----------------------------

On the other side of the globe, Vladimir Harkonnevich and Bashar al-Harkonnen watch the broadcast intently.

[Vladimir] "Ha!  He again tries his Tiny Prick strategy!"

[Bashar] "Vlad, you smiled.  This is strange."

[Vladimir] "I reserve an occasional smile for special occasions such as this."

[Bashar's son] "My father, you derive much joy from this."

[Bashar] "Yes. Much merriment."

[Vladimir] "Da.  Is great sport.  Should be Olympic.  I vould vin Gold Medal."

[Bashar's son] "I only wish that computers were legal in this universe, 'cuz right now, I'd love to be on Facebook mocking President Otreides."

------------------------------

There might be more to this story but the Beaver game is about to start.  So, finis.  For now...

Joe Joe Joe to Rome, gently down the drain

I'm not Catholic, so I don't really know what I'm talking about.  Don't freak if I get something wrong.  And if you're Catholic, please don't be offended.  I'm just goofin' on Joe.

Vice President Biden and his entourage arrive at the Vatican.  They are ushered in to meet the new Pope. 

[Biden] "Hey there!" [offers handshake which the Pope hesitantly reciprocates] "I'm Catholic, but I've never met a Pope before.  Umm...  Oh yeah, I'm supposed to kiss your ring, right?"

[Pope Francis] "That is customary.  But it isn't anything I insist on."

[Biden] "Well, I'm all about doing things right.  May I?"

[Pope Francis, uncomfortably] "Well, I guess."  [offers hand, Biden kisses ring]

[Biden] "Sorry.  That's peppermint Trident.  Hey, at least it's sugar-free, right?" [retrieves gum from Pope's ring and pops it back in his mouth]

[Pope Francis: eyeroll]

[Biden] "So, uh, your Holy Popiness, we have come to congratulate you on your high level of Popitude.  We are thankful for your leadership and look forward to OWWWWW!" [grabs his mouth and falls to his knees in pain]

[Pope Francis, alarmed] "My son, what has happened?"

[Biden, spitting out gum] "I think I broke a tooth." [Examines gum] "Yeah, right here!  It's one of the diamonds from your ring.  The gum must have pulled it out of its setting and I broke a tooth on it.  I'm gonna sue the crap out of you!"

[Biden's aide] "Sir, you can't sue the Pope.  He has Sovereign Immunity."

[Biden] "But that only applies to heads-of-state."

[Aide] "Yes.  The Vatican is its own little country and the Pope is head of state."

[Biden] "This is a country?  What a bunch of malarkey.  I mean, it's is super nice and very well decorated, but geez, it's only a few city blocks.  Al Gore's house is bigger than this place.  And what about Separation of Church and State?"

[Aide] "Doesn't apply here."

[Biden] "Aww, crap. We're off to a really rough start here.  Please forgive me.  Let's start over."

[Pope Francis] "Of course."

[Biden] "Ya know, I love Jell-O Pudding Pops.  Ever consider marketing Pudding Popes?  Like a little pope-shaped plastic mold a kid or a Vice President could pour his pudding into, then stick in the freezer?"

[Pope Francis] "Commercializing the office of Pope is a terrible idea."

[Biden] "Lighten up, Francis!  Heh.  Sorry.  Heh.  I've been waiting for years to meet a guy named Francis so I could use that line."

[Pope Francis, anxious to change the subject] "My son, why do you have that Manson-esque scribbling on your forehead?"

[Biden] "Ash Wednesday.  It is hard to draw on my own face in the mirror because the mirror makes my right hand look like my left hand and I'm right-handed so I tried to use my left so it would look right in the mirror and ummm, well, sorry the cross turned out so screwy."

[Pope Francis] "But Ash Wednesday was a month ago."

[Biden] "Yeah, see, after that cat/furnace episode, Jill won't let me play with matches any more.  No matches, no fire, no ashes, nothing even vaguely related to anything flammable. So I used a black Sharpie pen.  Wow, that stuff is really permanent!"

[Pope Francis, trying to hide is growing annoyance] "Surely there is a substantive reason for your visit.  I mean, the conversation has been pleasant enough, but"

[Biden, interrupting] "Oh, yeah!  See, the Republicans won't pass enough tax hikes and we need some money.  Maybe you could, you know, sell off some of this fantastic artwork you have here and help a guy out?"

[Pope Francis, somewhat indignantly] "No.  These treasures are not mine to give, loan, or sell."

[Biden, getting testy] "Not even gonna consider it, huh?  Really?  So that's how you want to play it, player? We 'intervene' in little countries like this pretty much daily.  We have swarms of drones circling everywhere.  Do you really think your little crew of guys with jester suits and spears can hold off a Marine Expeditionary Unit?  You think you can dodge the missiles comin' off a Reaper?  You think you're all that?  I'm not talking about a garden-variety slap upside your funny hat or a shotgun blast through the doorway.  I'm talkin' about the wrath of pResident Peace Prize and his wife, Our Lady of Unfortunate Proportions!  You really think you can withstand all that?!?"

[Pope Francis, making cross gesture] "Egredere de hic vobis stultus bastardus."

[Biden, triumphantly] "Yeah, that's what I thought.  I knew you'd see things my way"

Barry good skeet shooter

I shot bin Laden myself, with my skeet gun

[Obama, to press corps(e)] "Of course I honor America's hunting tradition.  In fact, I go skeet shooting at Camp David all the time.  Anything other questions?  No?  OK, gotta go."

Obama, surrounded by his entourage and security detail, leaves and heads back to the Oval Office.

[Chief of Staff guy who took over for the guy who took over for Daley who took over for Rahm] "Sire!  How could you say something like that?"

[Obama] "Easy.  Lying comes second nature to me."

[CoS guy] "But sire, aren't you worried that somebody might call you out on that lie?  Challenge you to a skeet contest?  Something like that?"

[Obama] "Nah.  Everything will be fine."

The Chief of Staff exits.  About five seconds later, he barges back in.

[CoS guy] "Sire!  Some Republican congresschick dared you to a skeet-shooting competition.  Bitter clingers across the country are laughing at the idea of you handling a shotgun.  You must appear for a photo op!  You must, lest your carefully crafted tough-guy image be tarnished!"

[Obama] "Ok, ok.  Get Joe and his Beretta shotgun and some Secret Service guys with some of their guns and let's head to Camp David."

The pResident's helicopter, Marine-1, touches down at Camp David.  The pResident bumps his head as he disembarks, prompting howls of laughter from the veep and the Secret Service personnel.

[Obama, angrily] "Knock it off.  Big deal, I bumped my head.  Again."

[Biden, stifling laughter] "Sir, hee, sir...  It's not that.  It's that hee you look ridiculous in that hee hunting outfit.  Worse than when John hee hee Effin Kerry went shoppin' for one 'em huntin' licenses."

[Sec. Service Agent] "Sir.  The first rule of gunhandling is to treat every weapon as if it is loaded, until you have personally confirmed that it is not.  The second rule, is keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to fire.  The third rule is never let you muzzle (that's where the stuff comes out) point at anything you're not willing to destroy.  The fourth rule is always be aware of who/what is downrange..."

[Obama, interrupting] "Enough with the rules nonsense.  I make the rules.  I am The One.  Gimme a shotgun."

[Sec. Service Agent] "Here's a .410 to start you off with."

[Obama] "Wait!  Joe!  Didn't you say that with shotguns, the smaller the number the more powerful it is?  That would mean .410 is like a stick of dynamite!"

[Biden] "Sir, the .410 is an exception.  It refers to the diameter of the shell.  Which can differ from the diameter of the muzzle, depending on the choke.  There's cylinder choke, modified choke, full choke..."

[Obama, interrupting again] "Stop it!  Stop making it so complicated, you guys!"

The pResident takes the offered shotgun, and promptly ignores every safety rule.  The muzzle swings past the veep's head as a finger hits the trigger...

BLAM!  A few plugs of hair are blown off Joe's moptop.

[Biden] "Wow! That was kinda loud!"

[Sec. Service Agent] "Ready, Mr. pResident?  When you say 'pull' I'll launch a clay pigeon.  Start a little behind the pigeon and swing the muzzle through the path of the pigeon.  Pull the trigger right when your muzzle is pointing at the pigeon and follow through.  At this range, that will help you lead the target just the right amount."

[Obama] "Pull!"

The pigeon flies.

BLAM!

The pigeon lands in the grass, unbroken.  Leaves on a distant tree are struck, however.

[Sec. Service Agent] "OK.  Maybe we should try the 12ga.  It has a lot more pellets, which will improve your chances of making contact." [Hands Obama a 12ga]

[Obama] "This thing is HUGE!  It'll knock me totally cattywampus!"

[Sec. Service Agent] "Don't worry, sir.  We're using sporting clays loads.  They're really light.  Not much more than that .410, actually."

[Obama] "Sporting?  The only sport I'm good at is basketball.  I could dunk over any one of you fools.  But any other sport, I suck.  My whole body just kind of convulses like Joe does when he drinks his slurpee too fast."

[Sec. Service Agent] "You'll be OK.  Trust me."

[Obama] "OK.  'Pull!' "

The pigeon flies.

BLAM!

The pResident slams backward cartoonishly, his feet acting like a hinge, and lands flat on his back with the muzzle pointed skyward."

[Obama] "Did I get it?"

The pigeon lands in the grass, intact.

[Biden] "Nope!  Try 'er again!"

[Sec. Service Agent] "Sir, this time lean into it, and hold your cheek tightly against the stock."

[Obama, still on the ground] "No!  Just take a @#$%^&* picture of me holding a shotgun and get me the hell outta here!"

Barry grabby gun debate

A cabinet meeting.  The usual cabinet heads, czars, and thugs notably absent.  The pResident paces around the room restlessly.

[Obama, checking watch] "Dang it!  Where is everybody!"

An unnamed person enters.

[unnamed person] "Sir, the entire government computer system has been compromised."

[Obama] "What?!?"

[unnamed person] "Yes.  It seems the veep has been looking at smut on his PC and somehow a trojan got installed.  It has worked its way through the entire network."

[Obama, into intercom] "Get Joe in here!"

Biden arrives.

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  Whassup?"

[Obama] "I've just been informed that you've been looking at pornography on your official PC."

[Biden, nervously] "I, uh, uh, I... that can't be!  I don't even own a pornograph!"

[unnamed person, to Biden] "Sir, your computer has been infected with a trojan horse, a kind of malware.  It has compromised the entire network.  That typically happens when people visit bad websites."

[Biden] "Oh, I remember now.  The antivirus said it was trying to install a trojan.  I clicked 'OK' cuz, ya know, when I need protection, Trojan, is, ya know, top shelf stuff.  I didn't realize that was a bad thing."

[unnamed person, facepalm]

[Obama] "Anyway.  Joe, I put you in charge of coming up with a comprehensive gun control policy.  How is that coming along?"

Before Joe can answer, a disheveled Hillary enters.

[Hillary] "Sorry I'm late.  Had a rough night."

[Obama, sarcastically] "Brain swelling up again?  Losing your memory?"

[Hillary] "You're half right.  As usual.  See, I was doing tequila shots off the small of some co-ed's back.  Then I hopped in my official State Department SUV and went for a spin.  I saw some right-wing blogger in the crosswalk.  I swerved to hit him, but lost control.  I skidded into a fire hydrant and the airbag deployed.  That's the last thing I remember before the alarm clock went off this morning."

[Obama] "So you probably have no idea what's going on in Algeria."

[Hillary] "Algeria bought Fat Albert's 'Current TV' network.  That's about all I know about it."

[Obama] "That's what I thought, too.  What about your discussions with world leaders about the global gun ban?"

[Hillary] "Ain't got around to it, yet."

Obama is growing visibly impatient...

[Biden] "So, I met with representatives from the NRA, concerned citizens, and other groups.  We..."

Obama cuts him off and dials the phone.

[Obama, into phone] "Eric!  You're late!  We need to talk about guns."

[Holder, on other end of phone call, nervously] "I, uh, uh, I... No can do.  I, uh, uh, I...  I just washed my mustache and can't do a thing with it!"

[Obama] "I'm not talking about Fast and Furious.  I'm talking about taking guns away from law abiding citizens."

[Holder] "Oh!  In that case, I'll be right there!  But first, I have to finish the second level of Angry Birds."

[Biden] "Ya know, boss, I think you should just introduce legislation that bans everything.  Reid will get the Senate on board, and well, the Republicans in the house, well, they're just a bunch of cheese-cutting surrender monkeys.  It'll pass."

[Obama] "Isn't that supposed to be 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys'?"

[Biden, to unnamed person] "I'll give ya one guess who in this room has never ridden in the elevator with John Boehner."

Unnamed person laughs.

[Obama, angrily] "You all are worthless.  I'll handle this myself.  I'll make a televised appearance, surrounded by innocent children, and make an appeal directly to the American people.  My charm will win the day.  Like it always does."

Barry sad inauguration

[Biden] "Boss, you look kinda bummed.  What's up?"

[Obama] "Well, Yo-Yo Ma played at the last inauguration.  But he said it was so cold last time that he'd never do it again.  Then I had Ravi Shankar lined up to play, but he up and died.  Now there's no musical act.  It's gonna suck."

[Biden] "Hang on there.  That's a bunch of malarkey.  Just gimme a sec, I'll come up with something."

[Obama, imploringly] "Really?  You have connections in the music biz?"

[Biden] "Nah.  But I'm pretty good at writing and playing music."

Biden fiddles around on his laptop for a few minutes.

[Biden] "OK, boss.  Give this a listen"

Alternate Link

The pResident smacks the Veep in the face with a 3-ring binder before he can get to the next verse.

[Obama] "I like it.  Except the dog part.  Reminds me of the time me 'n dad were at the food court in the mall.  I told him 'I want a hamburger, no I want a cheeseburger, no I want a corndog.' Then he backhanded me and said 'Shut up!  You'll get dog and like it!'.  The whole thing was rather traumatic."

[Biden] "Sorry.  Lemme try again."

Alternate Link

[Obama] "I like that one a lot better. But you don't sing worth a bleep.  Maybe I can get Lady Gaga to sing your song.  But you'll get the writing credits, of course."

{Biden] "Lady Gaga?  That junk-tuckin' freakazoid?"

[Obama] "Junk-tucker?"

[Biden] "Boss, Lady Gaga is a man!"

[Obama] "Joe, you're mistaken.  Again.  She's female.  Her real name is Stefani."

[Biden] "Look, one time outside a bar in Scranton, I got the crap kicked outta me by a transvestite named Stefani.  He/she even dotted the i in his/her name with a little heart and everything.  So I know what it is from whence I speak. For reals, Lady Gaga has more Y chromosomes than MichelleO herself.  And that's sayin' something!"

MichelleO storms in angrily and bodyslams Joe onto the Resolute Desk, breaking it to pieces.

[MichelleO] "If you ate a vegetable once in a while, Joe, maybe you'd be healthy enough to stop getting beat up by transvestites."

[Obama] "OK, Joe.  I'll let you sing it.  But you have to put more emotion into it.  Make sure it makes Boehner cry."

[Biden, getting back to his feet] "Sir, Yes Sir! No problem, Sir!"

Barry miraculous economic rebound!

Cabinet meeting.  The usual Cabinet heads, czars, thugs and miscreants in attendance.

[Sebelius] "Sure is boring around here since the election."

[Panetta] "Yup"

[Obama] "And the weather's so bad, I can't really go golfing.  I should issue an Executive Order commanding there to be built a full-size indoor golf course."

[Geithner] "But even that would take months, maybe years, to build."

[Obama] "I know.  But I can dream, right?"

[Napolitano, yawns]

[Obama] "This whole fiscal cliff thing is getting old, too.  Boehner doesn't even put up enough of a fight to make it interesting."

VP Biden barges in, looking disheveled and wearing an eyepatch.

[Biden] "Boss!  I had the greatest idea ever over the weekend!"

[Axelrod, under his breath, gritting teeth] "Must resist the stupid...must resist the stupid.  Dah! The stupid is overwhelming" [collapses under table]

[Obama] "Normally, Joe, I wouldn't have much interest in your great idea.  But it has been so boring around here, I'm willing to give it a listen.  But first, what's with the eyepatch?  'Talk Like a Pirate Day' was like, a month or more ago."

[Biden] "OK, I was on my way to work this morning.  I got off the train and stopped into the 7-11 for a donut and a coffee.  I asked the guy there whether he was a 'Gandhi' Indian or an 'Elizabeth Warren' Indian, but he just looked at me all cross-eyed like I was a Republican or something.  Next thing ya know, I gotta head to the head.  Apu tried to tell me that their restroom was only for employees only.  I told him that's a bunch of malarkey and strode through those swinging doors.  Next thing ya know, I'm in the walk-in freezer.  Realizing my error, I did an about-face and headed through the other swinging doors to the back room."

[Obama] "Does this saga have an ending?"

[Panetta] "Let him talk.  It's the closest thing we've had to entertainment since the election."

[Biden] "Thank you, Leon.  Anyway.  Have you ever seen a 7-11 restroom?  I think Geronimo's outhouse in Bangalore is prolly cleaner than this awful thing.  Anyway.  So I'm doing my thing, and I think to myself "Self, this would be a good time to play 'Race the Toilet'."

[Obama] "Whaaaat?"

[Biden] "C'mon, boss!  Don't you know about Race the Toilet?  It's where you guess how long a toilet takes to flush, and you hit the flush lever while you're still going, and try to see if you can finish whizzing before the toilet finishes flushing."

[Obama, indignantly] "I wouldn't know.  Probably because I usually whiz sitting down."

[Biden] "Anyway, I'm thinking it's about time to hit the flush lever, so I extend my hand.  Which, sadly, caused my necktie to come in front of, well...  Like they said in Ghostbusters: "Crossing the streams is really, really bad."  Then I saw how gross the flush lever was, so I tried to do it with my foot.  So, there I am, mid-whizz, standing on one foot trying to flush the toilet, looking like the Karate Kid trying his Crane Technique, when my other foot slipped out from under me.  I bonked my head on the sink and completely KO'd myself."

[Obama] "Where does the eyepatch come in?"

[Biden] "Nowhere, really.  I just think it's cool."

[Axelrod] "Is he gone yet?"

[Biden] "Nope!  Still here!"

[Obama] "I vaguely remember you mentioning that you had some marvelous idea."

[Biden] "Oh, yeah.  Yeah!  When I woke up from hitting my head, I had the idea...  Dunno if any of you are aware, but it is legal for the US to mint platinum coins.  In any denomination.  Except Southern Baptist.   My idea is that we get the Mint to make us a Quadrillion Dollar coin.  We deposit it in the bank, and whammo!  We're rich!  No more fiscal cliff, no more debt ceiling malarkey!  We can pay off ALL the debts and deficits and have trillions left over!  We could even bail out Greece and Argentina while we're at it, and even then have trillions left over!"

[Geithner] "We could even fund the government without having to collect a nickel of taxes!"

[Obama] "But I like taxes!"

[Geithner] "Taxes give me nothing but trouble.  I'd still be in favor of eliminating them.  Imagine the explosive economic growth that would happen if we reduced ALL taxes and fees to zero."

[Obama] "What about all those hard-working IRS agents who would then be unemployed?  That's not very fair."

[Panetta] "Why don't we just pay them to sit around doing Sudoku puzzles?  You know, pretty much like we're doing right now?"

[Sebelius] "And we could give every last American a million bucks, and still have barely put a dent in that quadrillion bucks!"

[Obama] "This is no, repeat, NO way I'm giving a million bucks to a Republican.  We'll only give the million to Democrats, Socialists, Commies and Green-o's."

[Biden] "But boss, doncha see?  How many Republicans do you think there'll still be after you start handing out this kind of dough?  Everybody will love you and register as a democrat."

[Obama] "I'm still not sold on this idea.  What about inflation?"

[Geithner] "If we pass some wage and price control laws, inflation won't matter.  We'll make it an imprisonable offense to change prices or wages."

[Patrick Donahoe, Postmaster General] "And if we mail out this money on pre-paid Visa cards, that would be enough mail volume to keep the USPS out of insolvency for at least another month."

[Obama] "So, the government can have all the money it wants, all the citizens will be millionaires, and economic growth will soar?"

[Biden] "Yep!  The people will love you so much, they'll want to make you king!"

[Obama] "It all seems too easy.  There has to be a catch.  But awww, what the heck.  Let's do it!"

barry debatable

A televised debate.  Wolf Blitzer "moderating"

[Blitzer] "Let's start with a foreign policy question.  Mr. President, what is the capital of Israel?"

[Obama] "Umm, well.  Our embassy is in Tel Aviv.  The Knesset is in Jerusalem.  But our friends call Jerusalem 'Al Quds'.  Umm.  On Facebook, to describe our relationship with Israel, I'd click on 'It's Complicated'."

[Blitzer] "Governor?"

[Romney] "It isn't complicated.  The capital is Jerusalem.  While Jerusalem has been occupied by others for much of its history, it has been the capital ever since King David set up shop there.  Even Abraham, the Father of the Faith, was willing to sacrifice Isaac on Mt. Moriah, which is where Jerusalem now is, so Israeli influence there even predates King David.  The pResident confuses a very simple thing, and even this basic question leaves him with a puzzled, like a monkey humping a stump."

[Blitzer] "Monkey?  Isn't that racist?"

[Romney] "No.  It just rolls off the tongue more smoothly than 'giraffe humping a carafe'."

[Obama] "Governor, your answer is wimpy.  Because you are a wimp.  You are too much of a wimp to stand up to the far-right base of your hawkish, anti-muslim party."

[Romney] "Me?  The wimp?  At least I can throw a baseball without looking like a palsy victim."

[Obama] "Yeah.  Wimp.  Let me ask you: do you have one of those poofy scrubby things hanging in your shower?"

[Romney] "I have no idea what relevance this has, but, yes.  My wife uses one of those."

[Obama] "Just as I thought.  I don't have one of those.  Because Michelle uses single-aught steel wool with gravel embedded in it when she showers.  Who's the wimp now?"

[Romney] "If my wife were running against your wife, that might have some minute bit of importance.  But she's not, so it doesn't."

[Obama] "Good thing, because, umm, Michelle would tear your wife to pieces and use her bones as toothpicks."

[Blitzer] "Gentlemen, we're getting sidetracked.  Mr. President, can you describe your energy policy?"

[Obama] "All of the solar, all of the wind, and all of algae.  In other words, 'All of the Above'."

[Blitzer] "Governor?"

[Romney] "you didn't build that Witness the renaissance in North Dakota.  Our nation is blessed with an abundance of natural resources.  you didn't build that What I envision is North Dakota happening everywhere:  American people making you didn't build that good American wages pulling American resources out of American dirt."

[Obama] "What's with all the under-your-breath comments?  Are you mocking me?"

[Romney] "you didn't built that"

[Obama] "Now you're being a bully.  You haven't changed a bit since your preppie prep-school days, when you cut the hair of that poor gay kid."

[Romney] "you didn't build that"

[Obama] "Stop it!  Stop it right now!"

[Romney] "you didn't build that"

[Obama, tearful] "Stop it!!!"

[Romney] "I'm either a bully or a wimp.  It is not possible to be both.  So, which is it?"

[Obama, straight-of-back, chin jutting proudly] "Maybe youuuu can't be both, but I can!! Neener-neener."

[Blitzer] "Mr. President, what would you do to get the economy back on the right track?"

[Obama] "The economy is on the right track already.  All it needs is a few more roads and bridges."

[Romney] "you didn't build that Are you serious?  The economy is on the right track you didn't build that in the same way that that girl that Snidely Whiplash tied to the train tracks is on the right track.  Here's the reality: the American economy is like a racehorse, ready to dash.  But the pResident's policies are keeping the gate from opening, so the horse is just stuck there.  I would open the gate by rolling back regulations, repealing barrycare, you didn't built that and opening up more land for resource development."

[Romney] "you didn't built that"

[Obama, pleading] "Stop it!  I'm serious!"

[Romney] "Sounds like baby needs a bottle.  Can me!" [climbs up on podium]

A well-groomed young man wearing black slacks, white shirt, and an 'elder' badge tosses two cans of caffeine-free diet Coke to Romney, who, after catching them, slams them together.  They erupt in foam and release dreaded CO₂ into the atmosphere.  The Governor takes a swig from one, then leaps from the podium and pours the remainder over his sniveling opponent.

[Romney] "you didn't build that  I built that."

Barry batty campaign strategy

Scene: Obama in meeting with his campaign staff.  Cabinet members, Czars, and anybody with a role in actual governance notably absent, though they can be seen through the windows  playing beer-croquet on the lawn. 

[Obama] "I don't see what's so bad about what I said the other day.  It's the truth."

[Axelrod, vexed] "Dammit!  That's exactly what's so bad!  Truth undermines everything we're trying to do.  Truth is toxic.  This is another Joe the Plumber moment and it could cripple us.  Remember: Never Tell the Truth.  K?"

[Obama] "But they really didn't build those things!  They didn't build the roads.  They didn't build the schools.  They didn't build the teachers.  They didn't build the fiber-optic networks that carry the cold air to their air conditioning.  They didn't do anything except win life's lottery."

[Plouffe] "We know all that.  But you can't say all that.  We, unlike most, are smart enough to know it takes a village to run a taco wagon, but we have to let the people think they're important and that they're accomplishing something."

[Obama] "But I'm just reiterating what Elizabeth Warren has been saying."

[Axelrod] "She can say stuff like that.  She's running for state-wide office in a very blue state.  She doesn't have to worry about cheesing off the independents.  You do. You just don't have enough Cherokee blood in you to make a line like that work."

[Obama] "Neither does Elizabeth Warren!"

[Messina, laughing] "Mon Dieu!  You just said something clever, without aid of a 'prompter!  Progress!"

[Axelrod] "Besides, can you imagine what Romney's campaign will do with a gaffe like that?" [reaches for remote, turns on TV]

[Romney, on TV] "According to the pResident, nobody is successful on their own.  He says that anybody who enjoys success does so on the backs of everybody else.  Alright, then what about the failures?  If every last person deserves a Happy Joy Participation Trophy when a business succeeds, is everybody also at fault when a business fails?  See the vacant storefront down the street, that used to be a nail salon?  Has America failed?  Has all of America, working together, been unable to run a nail salon?  Is that what we have sunk to under pResident Obama?  300 million Americans can't keep a nail salon up and running?  That right there tells us how awful barry's stewardship of the economy has been.  He needs to go back to Chicago and stay there."  [super-tight zoom-in on Romney's steely stare] "I'm Future President Mitt F'n Romney and I approve this message."

[Axelrod, clicking TV off] "See what I mean?"

[Obama] "Hey! It isn't my fault that some greedy bastard tried to open a nail salon.  He could have got a government job or volunteered at a non-profit or something.  But no... He gambled.  He lost.  I do NOT feel his pain."

[Messina] "Ummm, you do realize that the salon was probably owned by a femal..."

[Axelrod] "Don't bother, Jim.  He doesn't get it."

[Plouffe] "Yeah.  Let's shift gears.  Mr. President, you no doubt are aware of the popularity of the Batman movies.  Interestingly, the villain in this latest release is named 'Bane' and... [holds up leather bat-costume] "...this is your Bane-battling batcampaign batsuit!  The people will love it!"

[Obama] "Yeah, baby!  I'm gonna get to crush that evil capitalist entity!"

[Plouffe] "Actually, sir, the bad guy is 'Bane', not 'Bain'."

[Obama] "Yeah.  'Bain'."

[Axelrod] "Sir, 'Bain' and 'Bane' are homophones.  They're pronounced the same."

[Obama] "I thought the homophone was what the mayor of Gotham would use to bat-call me when he needs me to bat-save the city from capitalism."

[Messina, eyeroll] "Here's the deal.  Since you don't weigh no more than a buck-oh-five, the wings on the batsuit will create just enough lift that you can jump off the roof of the campaign bus, swoop down and land on your feet.  There'll be a guy in a costume.  He'll look like Bane from the movie, but also wearing a Romney mask.  We're counting on most Americans being so intensely dumb that they begin to mentally associate Bane the Movie Bad Guy with Bain and Romney."

[Obama, pensively] 'You know, I'm really starting to form a mental connection between Bane and Bain.  Almost like they're one-in-the-same."  [less pensively, more excitedly] "So then I get to swoop in and kick him in the face/neck/chest/breast/inseam areas?"

[Plouffe, facepalm] "Yep.  But we should rehearse.  Suit up!"

[Obama] "Whoohoo!"

VP Biden walks in, wearing a VERY ill-fitting Robin suit which appears to be made of old bowling league shirts held together with safety pins.

[Biden] "Hey guys!  I want in on this!"  [ties piece of rope to doorknob] "Look! If somebody'll hold my cape up, I can make it look like I'm scaling a vertical wall!" [squats down, pulls on rope]  "See?!" [door pops open, Joe falls over backwards] "D'oh!"

[Obama] "Not now, Joe!  This is one of the most important moments of my life!" [urgently, into telephone] "A terrorist dressed as a homeless Robin has made it past security.  He might be high on bath salts.  Arrest him immediately and lodge him at Gitmo."  [Burly men enter and drag the VP away]

[Obama] "Jim, thanks for leaving a gap in the mask I can smoke a cigarette through.  The mask goes over my upper lip, though, which may cause trouble with my choom bong.  And I'll need much bigger earholes.  Look into it, OK?  But in the meantime let's try it out."

Obama and crew go up the service stairs to the White House roof.  Obama inserts his arms into the batwings and jumps!  The wings immediately fold behind him and he lands in a disheveled heap on the grass.

[Plouffe, quietly, to Axelrod] "He has the pecs of a man that don't weigh no more than a buck-oh-five"

[Axelrod] "Yep."

[Obama] "¡Jaime! ¿Porque is there Bo stuff in the grass, right in my landing zone?"

[Jaime the Guatemalan illegal alien groundskeeper] "Sorry, Señor Presidente!"

[Messina] "It's OK, sir.  We'll use wires like they did in Peter Pan."

[Obama] "Alright.  Let's get back out there on the campaign trail and start killing Bain/Bane!"

-------------------

[Chris Matthews, MSNBC host] "Let's go live now, to the President's campaign appearance in Hope, Arkansas!"

Obama leaps from roof of CampaignBus1 and lands gracefully on his feet.  He slaps Bane/Bain in the face with a white glove and then begins to beat him up.

[Matthews, split screen] "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen this amazing President do.  It makes me want to jump up and throw a batarang.  In my pants!"

[Heckler #1] "Hey, barry!  I can see your wires!  Or are those puppet strings?"

[Heckler #2] "Yeah, are those supposed to be special effects or special ed?


[Obama, to hecklers] "Knock it off!  I killed Osama bin Laden!"

[Heckler #3] "No you didn't.  Somebody else made that happen.  Nobody has ever been successful by himself, right?"

[Obama] "buhh... umm... let me be clear..."

Romney's campaign bus honks in the distance, and the crowd waves approvingly.

**UPDATE:  Linked at the Amazing and Awesome IMAO and the ever Bobberific Bob's Blog

Barry choomy road trip

I tried 'shopping barry's face on him, but it looked stupid.
I tried putting Plouffe's face on another guy, but nobody knows what he looks like.
I tried putting Axelrod's face on last guy but he looked like David Crosby
and ellif I'm gonna taint my blog with a picture of that stinky hippie.
So, like I always say, use your imagination.

[Obama] "Heh heh.  Choom Gang, form up!  Time for a road trip!"

[Plouffe] "Heh heh.  Cool, man.  Where we going?"

[Obama] "To the heh heh, Land of Re-erection!"

[Axelrod] "Heh, whaaa?"

[Obama, squinting at teleprompter] "Oh.  Heh hee 'Re-election'.  Heh stupid 'prompter, heh."

[Plouffe] "Heh heh.  I've been runnin' the numbers, man, and that's gonna be a long trip, man."

[Obama] "S'cool.  I got a lotta choom, man.  Heh heh."

[Axelrod] "Heh, man, we're gonna get hungry, man.  Let's make some choom brownies to satisfy our road trip munchies."

[Plouffe] "But heh, man, choom brownies just make us even hungrier, man!"

[Axelrod] "Heh that just means we're gonna need a lot more choom brownies!"

[Obama, Axelrod, Plouffe] " HEH HEH HEH HEH!!"

[Obama] "Axe, you're drivin'.  Heh."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  It's your van, man, why I gotta always drive?"

[Obama] "The van is a stickshift.  You know I heh ain't man enough to handle heh that."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  OK."

A teenage girl in an old Corolla drives by, the "5 Speed" logo on the trunklid clearly visible.

The Choom Gang gets in the van.  Obama dons his bike helmet.  [Obama] "¡obamanos! "  The van sputters to life and Gang begins their journey.

[Obama] "Heh.  This reminds me of back in heh Indonesia, man.  My buddie had a VW bug that was heh painted up in 'Herbie the Love Bug' colors, heh."

[Plouffe] "Awesome, man.  Heh. Love is awesome. Heh."

[Obama] "Yeah, we'd take a dog with us and go road trippin', heh.  The smoke of the herb would like, heh, totally fill the car.  Man, that smoke would get in, on, and all over everything, heh, 'cuz VW's are like, watertight, man."

[Plouffe] "Whoa. Dude.  Heh."

[Obama] "Then we'd pull over and roast the dog over a bonfire.  We called him Herby the Yum Pug."

Plouffe laughs so hard that water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.

[Axelrod] "Man, I wonder what Labrador tastes like.  Heh."

Plouffe again laughs so hard water water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.

[Plouffe] "But, heh, I thought dogs were haram in mooselimb countries."

[Obama] "So is heh buggerin' little boys.  But that never slows heh anybody down.  Ya gotta heh understand, that the whole 'haram' thing is heh mostly a construction whereby mooselimbs make themselves out to be all heh holy and heh superior.  Smoking cigarettes is also haram.  But, heh, tell ya what.  You go to Saudi Arabia.  You separate out all the people that chain-smoke Camels from those that don't, heh, and I'll give ya a buck for each non-smoker you can heh find."

[Plouffe] "Heh.  Sounds like a whole lotta work just to get $3."

[Obama] "Heh.  Exactly."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  Camel smoker.  Maybe we should invite the camels to be in our Choom Gang. Heh."

Plouffe again laughs so hard water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.  The Choom Gang continues their journey.

[Axelrod, looking up the road] "Heh, man, there's some kind of ruckus up in front of us."

[Obama] "Heh.  Can you describe the ruckus?"

[Axelrod] "Heh.  Looks like some kind of campaign event."

[Obama] "Heh.  I love heh campaign events heh.  Pull over, man."

The Choom Gang de-vans awkwardly, resulting in a pile of human debris that takes a few seconds to regain its feet.

[Romney, addressing crowd from atop campaign stage] "The President's policies are not working.  In fact, the President is a stuttering clusterhump of miserable failure."

Obama, infuriated, scrambles up on stage and snatches the mic from Romney's hands.

[Obama, inches way from Romney, staring eye-to-eye] "I have only heh one heh thing to say to you. *****!!"



****UPDATE:
Linked at IMAO.  Thanks, Harvey!

Barry disturbing events

The pResident is on his bike, clad in mom jeans, an ill-fitting helmet and goofy sunglasses.  He is pedaling about the White House grounds, looking for David Axelrod.

[Obama] "Axe!  There you are!  What's going on?  I went to bed the other night, after thoughtfully choosing 'The Avengers' underoos, with things looking good all across the board.  Now look!"

[Axelrod] "Can you be more specific?"

[Obama] "Where to start?!  Lessee, a penitentiary inmate in WV got almost as many votes as me.  Übér-rèïchführér Walker did great in the Wisconsin primaries.  NC, the state we selected for my DNC coronation, banned gay marriage!  How do we get our liberal base excited about going to NC now?  My grand styrofoam columns will be erected before an empty coliseum!!  And Romney is polling ahead of me in many crucial swing states!"

[Axelrod] "First off.  You got way outta hand with the diacritical marks in your faux-German."

[Obama] "Needless distraction!"

[Axelrod] "Secondly, Romney's campaign staff is making..."

[Obama, interrupting] "I. Can't. Lose. To. That. Guy!  He is such an uncool, rigid dork.  So very unlike me."  [gestures to mom jeans and bike helmet] "Getting beat by him would be like going to middle school and getting beat up by the special-ed kid."

[Axelrod, befuddled] "But that happened to you all the time..."

[Obama, clenched fists and stamping feet] "I know!  And I'm sick of it!"

[Axelrod] "OK, the main thing that's happening is the media hasn't been showing proper deference.  They've been hassling Carney about your 'evolving' stance on gay marriage.  And you know that scruffy kid from Media Matters?  The one you're particularly fond of?  Well, he was on Anderson Cooper the other day to talk about the 'war on women.'  Some vestigial trace of journalistic integrity must've gotten a hold of AC, 'cuz ol' Coop just ripped the kid up.  Made him, (and you, by extension) look really stupid."

[Obama] "Alright.  That's how it going to be, eh?  The gloves come off.  Right Now!" [storms angrily towards White House]

Meanwhile, a press conference is being hosted by Carney.  Biden is present also - alone in the corner, struggling with one of those bouncy ball-rubber band-wooden paddle toys.

[bap-bap-bap-fumble]

[Biden, quietly] "Oooh! A 3!"

[Carney] "OK, I have time for one more question before I have to go and finish my shift at Arby's.  Yes, go ahead."

[reporter] "Is the pResident finally going to bite the pillow, ahem, 'bullet' and reveal that he's in favor of gay marriage?"

[Carney] "We've been over this already.  The pResident's position is evolving.  Evolving takes time.  Evolution makes glaciers look like race cars.  So, nobody really knows."

Obama kicks the door open.  He rushes in and takes the mic.  "Cooper!  C'mon, Andy!  I know you're in here!"

[Dan Lothian, CNN WH correspondent] "Sir, Anderson is not here.  Probably in the Atlanta or NY studio."

Obama, eyes ablaze with rage, raises his hand with fingers curled, (like that priest dude in Temple of Doom just before doing a heart-ectomy on a victim.)  The pResident begins to hum a tone of a very specific frequency, which is a multiple of the harmonic of the wavelength of his ears...  (The math gets complicated here).  His pendulous ears begin to vibrate...  A standing wave is forming, the very air seeming to shimmer...  The entire room begins to shake at the same frequency as his ears... 

[Biden] "He has... the Weirding Way!!"

[Lothian] "What does that mean?"

[Biden] "I have no idea!"

The oscillations grow in amplitude...  Atmospheric pressure builds on human skulls...  The weaker in the room collapse in pain/fear...  Those still lucid seek to flee...

[Biden - blissfully unaffected - to Lothian, who is writhing on the floor] "Hey, do your eardrums feel like when you're up in an airplane?"

Spacetime is unable to withstand the power of The Ears...  A rift forms...  Anderson Cooper is drawn through the wormhole.  He lands in a disheveled heap on the floor.

[Cooper] "What the...?"

[Obama] "You!  You have publicly questioned my handling of the War on Women.  Thankfully, your network has lousy ratings.  But still."

[Cooper, realizing where he is] "Oh!  Mr. President!  Hey, I'm as liberal as they come.  But to claim that taking money out of the barrycare slush fund to keep student loan interest rates down is somehow akin to a War on Women, that's not liberal.  It's not progressive.  It's just stupid.  I can't let it go unchallenged."

[Obama] "Do you realize who you're talking to?  I killed bin Laden, yet you question my prosecution of a war?  How many bin Ladens have you killed, Mr. War Expert?"

[Cooper] "Geez.  This is so ridiculous."

[Obama] "There's only one way to settle this.  You. Me. Thunderdome.  Now."

[crowd begins chant] "Two swish enter.  One swish leave.  Two swish enter.  One swish leave."

Later that afternoon...

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  How'd that Twinkledome thing go?"

[Obama, with black eye, cuts, scrapes, scratch marks, and fat lip] "I *HATE* getting beat up by the special-ed kids!"

barry heavy metal

pResident Obama and Energy Secretary Steven Chu are reclined on the White House porch.

[Obama] "OK.  I'm about to unveil our new energy policy.  But just in case the teleprompter hiccups, let's go over it one more time."

[Chu] "Alright.  We start by announcing that all incandescent light bulbs will be immediately illegal, and all citizens have 24 hours to relinquish them to a government-approved disposal center.  The incandescent, or 'Edison' bulbs must be replaced by CFL lamps.  Which is extra cool, since we both own stock in CFL makers."

[Obama, nodding] "Uh-huh, uh-huh."

[Chu] "Then we have the jackboots begin inspecting homes for contraband Edison bulbs citizens may be trying to keep and/or hide.  We'll prioritize our search so that republican regions get searched first.  Violators will be sent to starvation camps."

[Obama] "Michelle will like that.  Finally getting some victory in the War on Obesity and all that."

[Chu] "Yes.  Also, the use of CFLs plus half the country wasting away in the camps will drastically reduce the nation's energy requirements.  Those of us not in the camps will be able to plug in our high-end Teslas and Fiskers without overwhelming the power grid."

[Obama] "Nice.  I really like the way you've thought this through."

Joseph Robinette Biden barges in.

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  Mornin', Chu-choo!  What's up?"

A Haz-Mat response team is seen nearby, gowning up for a dangerous mission.

[Obama] "Wonder what those guys in the bunny suits are up to?"

[Biden] "It's probably my fault.  I mean, most things are mostly my fault it seems, but this time I really think it is my fault.  I was in the Lincoln Bedroom, practicing my juggling.  One of the bowling pins I was juggling hit the chandelier and broke a bunch of those curly-q light bulbs.  People have been pretty much freaking out ever since."

[Chu] "No wonder!  Those lamps have mercury in them!  Very toxic!"

[Biden] "Have you noticed how much those lamps look like the curly fries they sell at Arby's?  The Arby's in Scranton is the best.  The best, I tell ya.  Oh, mercury? Whoo!  I call dibs on the mercury!"

[Chu] "Why would you want that mercury?"

[Biden] "My granddaddy back in Scranton used to have a big vial of it.  Me 'n the cousins would play with it.  Loads of fun.  I was the only one brave enough to drink any, though."

[Chu, astonished] "You drank mercury?!?"

[Biden] "Yeah.  All the time, actually.   The next day would be the best part - what I left in the toiled looked just like something out of Terminator 2!  So awesome!"  [laughing] "Sarah, call to John.  *fwoosh* See ya later, Terminator!"

[Obama] "Mr. Chu, what are the symptoms of mercury exposure?"

[Chu] "Mercury, like many other of the heavy metals..."

[Biden, interrupting, air guitar] "Heavy metal noisssssssse!"

[Chu] "As I was saying...  One of the first things is hair loss. After that"

[Obama, interrupting] "Excuse me.  Joe?  Haven't you experienced hair loss?"

[Biden, proudly] "Hair Club for Men!  I'm not just a member, I'm the president!  Actually, you're the president and I'm the vice-president.  Well, of the United States, that is.  In the Hair Club, I think I'm like the Sergeant-at-Arms or something."

[Chu] "Another symptom is impaired cognitive function."

[Obama] "Try speaking English, OK?"

[Chu] "It makes ya stupid."

[Obama] "Allah have mercy!  You're saying that the same stuff that made Joe the way he is, is right now floating into my lungs?!  Gaaah!!"  [running in circles, panicking. Yelling into cell phone, which he hasn't even bothered to dial] "Quick!  Warm up Air Force 1!  Get me an oxygen bottle! Burn the Lincoln Bedroom!  And all the sheets and towels!  And get me a jug of Mucinex and, and, a respirator mask and some sunscreen and get me the **** outta here!"

[Biden, to Haz-Mat team] "Hey, guys!  Be sure 'n save me some of that mercury, OK?"

[Chu, facepalm]

Barry spendy gasoline

Obama, slumped on couch, stepping through the channels on the giant White House flat panel TV.  Biden enters.

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  How are you?"

[Obama] So bored.  Governing sucks.  I wish the R's would finish deciding who is going to be their sacrificial punk so I could get back out on the campaign trail more.  And what's all this birth-control stuff on C-SPAN?"

[Biden] "Oh, some student from Georgetown complaining that contraception is so expensive, she can barely afford to be a slut and a law student at the same time, and she wants barrycare to pay for her pills."

[Obama] "I'm sure that when we finally finish reading that bill, we'll find that there's something in there to help her."

[Biden] "I can't remember if it was Winston Churchill or W.C. Fields, but I like what he said about Georgetown: 'If you gathered up all the slutty Georgetown law school chicks and laid them end-to-end, nobody would be the least bit surprised'."

[Obama] "I have no idea what that means.  So it was probably that Churchill bunghole.  That guy never made any sense to me.  But the American economy pretty much runs on lawyers and sluts, so this might be kind of a big deal.  Thankfully I don't care about the American economy.  I actually feel more like golfing at the moment."

[Obama, into intercom] "Hey, get Rahm to warm up the motorcade and take me to that swanky country club out on the edge of town."

[intercom voice] "Sorry, m'lord.  Rahm doesn't work here any more."

[Obama] "Oh, yeah.  Get Daley to warm up my car."

[intercom] "Sorry, sire.  Daley quit, too."

[Obama] "Dang it!  Who does work here now?"

[intercom] "Sadly, m'lord, I am not really sure."

[Biden] "Boss, I'll handle this one."

[Obama] "Thanks, Joe.  When I put one in the water hazard today, I'll mulligan it in your honor."

Biden dashes off to start the vehicles and round up the Secret Service detail.  Shortly thereafter, he returns.

[Obama] "That was fast, Joe.  Thanks."

[Biden] "Sir, I'm afraid all the motorcade vehicles are out of gas."

[Obama, incredulous] "Whaaat?"

[Biden] "The guy down in the motor pool explained that the drastic uptick in fuel prices, combined with your and the the first lady racking up serious Frequent Flyer miles, means that they've already burned through the year's fuel budget.  They can't buy any more gas unless Congress passes a special appropriation."

[Obama] "Dang!" [Dials a phone number] "Generalismo Chavez!  Como estas?"

[Hugo Chavez] "mumble"

[Obama] "Sorry to hear that.  Say, how's about you hook me up with a tanker load of that fine, fine Venezuelan petrol?"

[Chavez] "mumble"

[Obama] "But just a few months ago, you said your tumors tingled with excitement every time you thought about me!"

[Chavez] "mumble"

[Obama] "Fine!  Be that way!" [Slams phone down]

[Obama, dialing another number] "Yo, Vladdy!  Hey, I'm looking to make a deal on a tanker load of your oil so I can go golfing."

[Putin] "Tovarich, I have seen your golf swing.   I do not think a tanker of oil will help your game.  Dasvidaniya."  [click]

[Obama, increasingly mad, dials another number] "Yo, yo!  Stevie Ray!  This is Barack and Roll All Night, comin' at ya live from DC!  So, about that Keystone pipeline..."

[Prime Minister Harper] "Excuse me?"

[Obama] "I'm sorry.  I get a little caught up in the moment sometimes.  I want to discuss the Keystone pipeline."

[Harper] "No way, hoser!"

[Obama] "Seriously.  I, like, need your help"

[Harper] "Take off, eh!"  [click]

[Obama, dialing another number] "Hey Ben!  So, hate to keep rattling the cup and stuff, but I need some gas money.  Can you print me out another batch of hundreds?"

[Bernanke] "Sir, in our haste to deliver the last batch, we forgot to keep any of it for our own operating expenses.  Now our HP CurrencyJet is out of magenta ink and we don't have the money to buy more."

[Obama] "And I've already whizzed through all that money, so I can't even lend it back to you.  Dang.  Can't you put it on the card?"

[Bernanke] "No.  The kid at OfficeMax said the card was rejected and our credit was bad.  Cash-n-carry only, from now on."

[Obama, thinking about whom else he might call, when the phone rings.  Checks caller-ID] "Oh look, it's Bibi!  Since when do they have any oil?"  [answers phone] "Hey Benji, whassup?  You have any oil you can give/loan/sell me?"

[Netanyahu] "Mr. pResident, we have recoverable oil off our coastline, but we are a couple years away from full-scale production.  However, that is not the reason for my call."

[Obama] "OK, what is the reason?"

[Netanyahu] "Mr. pResident, you have treated me, my people, and my country shabbily.  Therefore, we will time our strike on Iran so that the spike in oil prices will cause you maximum electoral damage.  Just thought you'd like to know.  Toodles."  [click]

[Obama] "Dang! Dang! Dang!  I.want.to.golf!  So... I can't believe I'm about to do what I'm about to do..."


[Obama, making a phone call] "Hey, boner!  Ahem. [respectfully] I mean, hello Speaker Boehner.   Sir, I ask humbly that you and Harry get to together and break me off a little bit of gas money for the rest of the fiscal year."


[Speaker Boehner] "Mr. pResident, while your plight brings me nearly to tears, I can't help but think back to that time when you put itching powder in my skin-bronzing cream.  Therefore, sir, you may go piss into a stiff headwind and then ride the train."  [click]

[Obama] "Dang!"

Award time, Barry Dire Campaign Issues, and miscellanea

The urge to blog had pretty much departed...  Not feeling it...  Then...

Odie (Woodsterman) gives me something special...  (Thankfully, the nurse gave me a shot and said the burning sensation should subside over the next 36 to 48 hours...)  Naw, that's not it... He gave me an Award!

Liebster is Austrian for "beloved" or "favorite." Thank you, Odie!  With that in mind, I suppose that I should follow the rules and pick me out some Liebster Blogs but I'll save that for the next post, because unlike Madame Clinton who ain't in no ways tard*, I am in many ways tard.  'Cuz last night grandbaby #6 made her arrival.   At a little after midnight - which may not seem that late to some of you young 'uns, but for an old fart that has to get up early that is HARSH.  Daughter-in-law (and wife) wanted me to be present right there in the delivery room.  Unh?  "Birth is so beautiful."  "Birth is such a miracle."  Yadda, yadda, trying to convince me.

No.

Birth is not beautiful.  Birth is just like that scene in Alien.  Except that instead of a cool little kick-azz monster, you get a noisy little helpless monster.  I can do without all that.  " I'll be waiting down in the car..."

Then today the contractors are in grinding down the concrete floor in the store.  Gonna sand it smooth, fill the cracks and clear coat it.  No more carpet.  Next time we flood we can clean the place up with a big squeegee (or a hobo on a stick) and be done with it.  'Cept the process is noisy as bleep and dusty as bleep-bleep.  The whole scenario leaves me a little grouchy.  I mean, even more than normal.

OK, OK...  Alright, enough complainin'.  On with the story...


Barry Dire Campaign Issues

Obama, Messina, Plouffe, Axelrod and Jarrett are holding a strategy session.

[Obama] "Those danged Catholics sure are stirring up a lot of grief about some pills and rubbers.  Geez.  It's not like I'm making them bow towards Mecca or something."

[Jarrett] "I recommend you keep the ban.  Don't wanna tick off the mean-faced clipped-hair types at Planned Parenthood.  We just saw the other day how they react when they don't get their quota of dead babies."

[Obama] "No kidding.  I could strangle Pelosi for putting such controversial material in that giant bill I never read before signing."

[Axelrod] "I tried to strangle Pelosi once.  All I could get was a handful of loose skin.  Not worth the bother."

[Messina] "Thankfully the Republicans are still being republicany and screwing themselves over."

[Plouffe] "Well, there is some worry there.  Santorum could take a lot of midwest and rust-belt states we need.  And Romney is talking about using a 50-state strategy to flat-out clobber us.  He wants a strong mandate, so he has the political cover to keep doing exactly what we're doing.  Plus, they're rolling out these..."

[Obama] "What the heck?"

[Plouffe] "They're a bunch of cardboard cutouts of Romney.  They going to put them everywhere.  OmniRomney they're calling it."

[Obama] "But they're plain and boring.  Completely without life or personality."

[Plouffe] "Which means people will believe they're meeting the real Mitt Romney!"


[Obama] "Holy ****! You're right!"

[Plouffe] "Not only that, shake OmniRomney's hand"

[Obama] "Crap!" [shakes hand again] "That's totally believable.  Everybody's gonna think they've personally met with him.  We're in real trouble!"

[Biden enters] "Hey guys!  Whassup?"

[Obama, fearful] "OmniRomney has come to destroy us!"

[Biden] "Really?  Lemme check this out." [shakes OmniRomney's hand] "Whoa.  Creepy.  Did ya hear that Roseanne Barr is running for President?"

[Obama] "No.  Am I supposed to care?"

[Biden] "She's running on the Green Tea ticket.  No doubt it'll attract a lot of eco- types, weed-burnin' stoners, probably even a few drunk Tea Party people.  Since 'tea' rhymes with 'pee', she'll attract all the Occupy people, too.  A formidable coalition."

[Obama, panicking] "Get Roseanne on the phone!"

Later that afternoon, Roseanne arrives at the White House.

[Obama, sternly] "How dare you run for president!"

[Barr, sarcastically.  Between words, little cracking noises from her chewing gum] "Yeah, well, let's just say you've been a serious letdown there, champ.  If this country is every going to be transformed, it's gonna need somebody in charge who can get things done."

[Obama] "And now you think you're The One for the job?"

[Barr] "See, Sparky, the rethuglicans suck.  All their candidates suck.  Yet they all poll well against you.  You are losing to 'pure suck'! Which puts you somewhere, oh, I dunno, somewhere beneath 'pure suck', wherever that is."

[Obama, sadly] "But Michelle said not to worry and that everything will be OK."[wipes tear]

[Barr, loudly] "What the **** does it take to get a ******* Snicker bar around here?  Hello!?"

A White House intern dashes in, dutifully unwraps a Snicker bar and offers it to Roseanne.

[Obama] "They never move that fast for me!"

[Barr] "See what I mean?  Not only that, I can belt out a mean National Anthem.  Wanna hear it?"

[Obama] "No!  OK, here's the deal.  Drop your presidential bid, and I'll give you a high cabinet position.  Wanna take over State from Hillary?"

[Barr] "Isn't it, like, illegal to offer jobs or other compensation to influence a candidate to run/not run?"

[Obama] "Yeah, like Holder is actually going to do anything about it."

[Barr] "Good point.  I'll have my agent give you a call.  Maybe we can make this work." [stands and gracelessly departs]

[Obama] "Phoo! That was close.  Now, what to do about OmniRomney?"

Barry scary plane ride

Air Force 1 en route to campaign stop official business stop.  Obama, Plouffe, Jarrett and Axelrod discussing campaign strategy.

[Jarrett] "We need to ditch Biden.  The guy's a loon.  Get Hillary on the ticket.  That'll give us a thin veneer of centrism while we continue with radical redistributionism.  Might be enough to fool some of the rust-belt union types."

[Plouffe] "Agreed."

Obama's phone rings

[Obama] " Hello.  Commander in Chief speaking."

[Biden, on other end of phone call] "Hey, boss!  Joe here.  Just wanted to talk to you about the elections this year."

[Obama] "Joe, I told you not to call unless there is an emergency.  Is this an emergency?"

[Biden] "Is a frog's butt watertight?"

[Obama] "What?"

[Biden] "Is a pig's butt pork?"

[Obama] "Joe!"

[Biden] "Sorry.  I'm working on some folksy, down-home kind of stuff that'll endear us to the stupid southerners.  We're going to need to win at least a few of those states."

[Obama] "Joe, we're concentrating on getting the rust-belt voters, rather than those dumb southern racist crackers."

[Biden] "But the rust-belt people hate us."

[Obama] "That's why we're putting Hillary on the ticket to replace you.  You embody the rust-belt way too much.  So, uh, we're getting rid of you and putting another Chicago thug on the ticket."

[Jarrett nods in approval]

[Biden] "Sir!  I do NOT recommend that!"

[Obama] "I know you're just trying to preserve you job."

[Biden] "Naw, it's not that.  It's just that I saw Hillary practicing throwing stars, ninja-style.  She took down a bigleaf maple tree in three throws.  With Hillary one 'accident' away from the Presidency, I'd put the over/under on your continued existence at about, oh, let's put it this way:  Yo-Yo Ma wouldn't even be done playing Allah Save the King at your Coronation before Hill would be waving your head around on the end of a spike."

[Obama] "You exaggerate."

A disturbance is heard outside the plane.  All aboard look out the portside windows and witness a terrible scene...

[Obama, like a little girl] "Gaaahh! What it that?"

[Hillary cackles and throws a chunk of the Constitution into the jet intake.  The plane shudders as the engine begins to fail.]

[Hillary] "Barack!  You stole my destiny!  But I will steal it back!  This plane will be mine!  Mwaa-hah-hah-hah-hah!  I will paint that blue stripe on it pink and I will rule forever!"

[Jarrett] "Quick!  Recite the mantra!"

[Obama, Jarrett, Plouffe, Axelrod, in unison] "Whitewater, Whitewater, Rose Law Firm Billing Records, Travelgate, FBI files!  Whitewater, Whitewater, Rose Law Firm Billing Records, Travelgate, FBI file!"

[Hillary, in apparent pain] "Nreeee!  I'll be back for you!  Be sure of it!" [flys off, over the horizon]

[Obama] "Joe, you still there?"

[Biden] "Does a rattlesnake butt taste like chicken?"

[Obama] "Keep working on that charming down-home thing you're working on.  We'll be needing you on the campaign trail!"

Barry necessary vacation

White House briefing.  The usual Secretaries, Department heads, Czars, and not-convicted-yet felons in attendance.  The pResident enters, skipping like a schoolchild, with an uncommonly wide grin.

[Biden] "Sir!  You're looking extra chipper this morning!  Must be looking forward to the vacay in Hawaii, eh?"

[Obama]  "That's not it at all, Joe.  Actually, what it is, is that the last couple nights are the best sleep I've had in years."

[Biden] "When I'm away from Jill, I toss and turn all night.  I hate it."

[Obama] "OK, you didn't hear this from me, but...  Michelle snores.  Really snores.  Like a congested walrus.  Drives me nuts.  I'd use earplugs, but as you know, nobody makes them in my size.  With her already in Hawaii, I've finally been able to rest."

[John Holdren, Science Czar] "Sir, if I may interject.  I once ran an audio sampling of your wife's snoring through a spectrum analyzer.  Turns out, it is less of a 'congested walrus' sound, than it is a 'somebody trying to blast a congested walrus through an InSinkErator using a diesel-powered leaf blower' sound."

[Obama] "OK, 'nuff of that.  Where we at and what we got?  Axe?"

[Axelrod] "Your poll numbers continue to reek.  However, people are slightly less pessimistic about the economy.  That bodes well."

[Obama] "Nice."

[Axelrod] "However, that all depends on the Europeans making the difficult choices to get their debt problems under their control without blowing up the world economy.  How likely do you think that is?"

[Obama, still unusually upbeat] "I'm screwed.  Understood.  State?

[SecState Hillary] "Sir, the Russians hate us, the Chinese hate us.  Even the Syrians are saying they wish Booooosh were still president.  Chavez says you are a clown.  We are like a piñata that the whole world is taking swings at.  Oh, and in Egypt the military is going around stomping on innocent women.  Right there in the street."

[Obama] "Good thing I gave that historic speech there in Cairo a couple years ago.  Otherwise those filthy whores who deserve to, uhh, excuse me.  Otherwise, those innocent women would be getting hosed down with sustained full-auto weapons fire, instead of merely stomped on."

[Clinton, eyeroll] "Yeah.  OK.  Also, some columnists at the Politico wrote a very convincing essay on why I should run for President."

[Obama, no longer upbeat, lunges across the table and angrily grabs Hillary by the collar] "Listen to me very closely...  If you run against me..." [now eyeball-to-eyeball with Hill] "I will shove a cactus up your actus...  You'll rue the very day you were born... Do you smell... What Barack... Is Cookin'??"  [releases grip] "And what's with the bright floral print in the middle of winter?  Girl, you have the most miserable fashion sense."

A nearly invisible figure enters the room.  MichelleO de-cloaks and approaches Hillary.

[MichelleO, menacingly] "What Barack said...  Times 10...  Capiche?"

[Hillary, frightened nearly to death] "B-b-b-but I thought you were in Hawaii!?!"

[MichelleO] "I WAS." [taps button on her bracelet to re-cloak and disappears out of the room]

[Obama] "It's best not to tick me off.  It's even better not to tick her off.  With that, I bid thee a-doo and depart for my much needed vacation."