Friday, October 7, 2011

Daily Dose of Stupid

Seems like the little shin-dig they be havin' on Wall Street is contagious, and the morons in Portland wanna play, too.  Great.  Here's a taste:

Since I'm in a college town not far away, I live among and have to deal with his sort all the time.  Bad enough when they are American idiots.  Bringing in foreign morons is taking things too far.  With his bloo'y wankah accent, I can't catch everything he's saying.  So maybe I'm wrong when he holds up a little jar of drugs and talks about smoking it.  OK, Limey.  You've been hoodwinked.  If you think that is good stuff worth YouTubing, you're really lame.  Weed should be green and fuzzy and kinda sticky and should smell like a skunk mating with a freshly-cut Christmas Tree.  (I haven't touched the stuff since '94, but I remember a few things.  I haven't *always* been a Model CitizenTM.)  It should NOT look like garlic powder.  Go find the punk who sold you that junk and beat the crap out of have some thoughtful non-violent dialog with him about his crappy weed.

The one in the lower-right corner can occupy most of Portland
all by herself.
These are the people whining about lack of opportunity because Corporate America is such a downer.  Well, whiner, to Corporate America, your appearance is a downer.  Maybe if it didn't look like you've been shot in the face with a hardware store, and maybe if you took those stupid tribal wooden thingies out of your earlobes, you could get a job.  But I won't hold my breath for that to happen.  Even though I'd like to, as your smell is unpleasant.  Hate to burst your bubble even further, but Urban Outfitters is a corporation.  Complete with like a Corporate Headquarters and Guys in Suits and all that.  I'll wait while you process that little tidbit...

OK?  Good.

These are also the same people who have "Keep Portland Weird!" stickers on the backs of their Subarus.  Kids, Portland doesn't need your help.  The fruitwads in City Hall have the weird all locked down and going nowhere.  The latest?  MANDATORY composting!  Yep, ya can't throw away your food waste.  Can't toss the fuzzloaf that has been in the back of the 'fridge since '06.  It has to go in the Yard Debris recycle bin now.  Wait.  What if you're an apartment dweller and don't have a Yard Debris bin?  You get a shiny new plastic bucket from the City of Portland to put your organic arugula scraps in!  Yay!  And since you have this bucket, the City has decided that they don't need to pick up your garbage every week, but instead will only come every other week!  Double-Yay!  Your plankton/tofu nutloaf leftovers get to sit in a bucket for two weeks!  Won't fit in your fridge?  No problem!  Just put it outside to attract disease-carrying vermin and freegans.  (sorry 'bout the redundancy)  What if you're an apartment dweller with no real 'outside'?  Umm, tough crap, amigo!  Put it out in the hallway next to your loud neighbor's door and hope for the best!

Everything about these longhaired maggot-infested FM types makes me want to hurl.  But I'm on an empty stomach.  So I guess I'll douse a Spotted Owl in napalm and use him to light a pile of old tires on fire, over which I'll sacrifice a barrel of crude oil to Exxon/Mobil while checking my stock ticker.


  1. Inno, you got me chockin on my left over banana skins while I be trippin'. Peace brother, and may Portland be safe from the man.

  2. Hi Inno! How depressing you are so close to those morons. You made a VERY funny post out of it though.
    It looks like portland would be a city worth leaving, like many other craptastic ones are. It's just so hard to get out during this bad economy.

    I would say, F. OFF to those composting hippies. Who wants to keep smelly garbage in their yard for weeks, or worse, in buckets in their house? Just put it in bags and drop in a can by a park or something.

  3. My time on the west coast has driven me crazy. They had mandatory recycling in Korea. Nothing beats having ten different trash cans!

  4. Odie - Heh. "Safe from the man" has a whole different meaning in Portland!

    Bunni - Definitely by the park. The hippies get hungry.

    Trestin - I imagine things in Utah are way less ridiculous.

  5. Man, if I could sell the house, I'd be out of Portland before the ink dried on the documents.

    For the time being, I plan to drive downtown and empty my slop bucket at City hall.

  6. Omigawd but I'm glad I'm OUT o' that particular brand o' madness. I sympathize with ya, Inno, and I'm appreciative of your efforts to put a funny face on what really ain't funny.

    Well done.

  7. Mandatory composting. E. Gad. I cannot imagine the numbers and variety of vermin we'd have in SE Louisiana if we had to store leftovers outdoors, awaiting pick up. That could make for a pretty impressive horror flick.

    You don't have as many occupiers as New Orleans does. Ours are camping out across the street from City Hall. Where the Mayor cleaned out the homeless village a while back. Talk about your class warfare!

    Good post.

    Good luck! And keep the dogs away from your slop bucket.

  8. Oh the brave new post-republic world where the Gubmint tells us what to do.

    Is it too late to secede?

  9. Those psycho smelly hippies stick on ice, I can smell them from here. Have you seen this video?!

    Wow, it's worse than I thought for you out there, Inno.

  10. MAX - good idea. Betcha many others feel the same way.

    Christopher - Anarchists for Totalitarianism!

    Buck - Thanks. Hopefully they don't pull a Occupy Portales.

    Moogie - Thankfully I'm not in Portland so the rules don't apply to me. But I can picture Corvallis comin' up with similar policies.

    Infidel - If at first you don't secede, try, try again!

    Bunni - I hadn't seen that. cuh-razy people.

  11. I'm starting to get a little worried. Mandatory composting's due to start in around 3 weeks, and The City That Works (you over)™ still hasn't dropped off the slop buckets. Don't they realize we need to practice?

    Bruce Walker, solid waste and recycling program manager for the Bureau of Planning and Sustainability:

    Oh yeah. There's the "ick factor." This is a common complaint, unfortunately. What people don't realize is that they're touching food all the time whether it's pre-meal preparation or post-meal clean-up. But now that we're asking people to compost, they're telling us that it's too gross to handle. [Sigh]. We just encourage them to line their pail with newspaper. We also encourage them to get over it.

    Isn't that just special advice to get from City bureaucrats? Makes you want to pack everything up and move to Portland, doesn't it?

  12. A good one Inno! BTW, those spotted owls are a lot better if grilled over charcoal. Taste a lot like chicken.

  13. Hey Inno,
    As much as I miss Oregon, it's crap like that that I don't miss. And since you're in the "Valley" you know it's come'n your way! Like I've said before, I'd love to move back, just somewhere more sane then the "Valley"!

  14. I went back aways readin old stuff, cause it's like calvin and hobbes ore garfield, if you reread it after a while, it gets funnier. The hippie British says "We can't rock out without the power of the herb (insert 'h' sound for more of a hippie feel)." Insert 'Stone out' for more of a hippie feel.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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