Saturday, June 27, 2009

Barry Critical Legislation

[Pleasant afternoon. Obama and Rahm E. on back porch of White House, enjoying a smoke break]

[Obama] "Rahm, I sure am thankful for those 8 repubs we were able to turn on our groundbreaking Climate Change legislation. Did you give Waxman a high-5 for getting it done?"

[Rahm] "Well, sire, I hope you won't be too disappointed..."

[Obama] "Whaddya mean?"

[Rahm] "Sire, as I approached the dear congressman to offer my congratulations, he sneezed. His nostrils flared to the size of hulahoops, and his nosehair splayed forth like the bright tassles on a party noisemaker! It was quite disturbing, and it triggered an urgent, immediate need to visit the men's room. So I sent him a flattering text message instead."

[Obama] "Good enough for me." [takes long drag on his Virginia Slim]

[Rahm] "Next up is the crucial Senate vote. On one hand, we need to hurry this along, before any of the conservatives read the 300-page addendum that Waxman tacked on at the last moment. That is the part of the bill that names you Dictator For Life."

[Obama] "No worries. I don't think any of the conservatives are literate enough to read 300 pages of legalese. Certainly not enough to swing the vote, at least. And who would argue against me being Dictator For Life?" [strikes Lightworker pose with hands aloft and chin jutting proudly upward.] "All them other Dictators For Lifes approve highly of me and want me in their club." [flicks butt into Rose Garden]

[Rahm] "Sire, it may be a very close vote. Especially to break the filibuster. Talk Radio personalities and right-wing bloggers are ginning up outrage and encouraging their audience to demand their Senators vote 'no'. They are calling it Cap-and-Tax instead of Cap-and-Trade. They think they are sooooo clever."

[Obama] "Dang. It never dawned on me that people might be opposed to having their utility bills double. Since I'm all for it, I thought they all would be, too."

[Rahm E.] "That is why our haste must be balanced by a long-term brainwashing campaign. Sire, I've taken the initiative and started a new multimedia project that seizes the momentum of this "Cap-and-Tax" nonsense. It will really help sway the voters. It is a DVD that will be shown to every student in every school. Repeatedly. It depicts a courageous hero who rides a living toy polar bear and defends the world from global warming. The hero is known as Cap'n Tax."

[Obama] "Continue"

[Rahm E.] "Well, sire, our intent is to manipulate the emotions of the youngsters, and convince them that Cap'n Tax is the good guy who must be supported. We'll teach them that anyone who opposes Cap'n Tax is an evil, seal-clubbing, burns-old-tires-in-the-backyard-just-for-fun, pollution-spewing, polar-bear-poaching, AC-on-full-blast selfish old-fashioned energy hog who is willfully destroying the planet."

[Obama] "This is sounding really good!"

[Rahm] Cap'n Tax will also be available as an action figure, and we are in negotiations with Dreamworks to produce a hollywood movie - complete with Burger King cups as a tie-in. Kids everywhere will be pleading with their parents to get the action figure and to see the movie. Additionally, the DVD for the schools contains useful instructions for the children on how to guilt-trip their parents into supporting Cap'n Tax!"

[Obama] "So all we need is a distraction to keep the conservatives from reading the bill until we've finished corroding the little kids' minds with our propaganda....Hmmm...."

[Rahm] "Indeed, sire. But the timing is very delicate. We must move quickly."

[Obama] "I know! I'll finally send a harshly worded message to the mullahs in Iran and politely ask that they take it easy on their wholesale slaughter of innocent protestors or something. And maybe we should also do a Predator strike on a jihadi, and then do another Predator strike on the people that show up for that dead jihadi's funeral! Do you think that would be distracting enough?"

[Rahm] "Oh, sire! Those are brilliant ideas! We're still early in the editing process of the DVD. Right now, all we really have done is the artwork for the DVD case. We may need to generate another distraction or two - like maybe a prominent conservative Governor being caught in an infidelity - but we'll proceed with your suggestions right away!"

[Obama] "Cool. I'd like to see that artwork you were talking about."

[Rahm] "Sire, I was hoping you'd say that. I just happen to have a copy with me. Here." [hands artwork to Obama]

[Obama] "OMG! Rahm, this is BY FAR the coolest thing I've ever seen!"

[Rahm] "Oh, thank you, sire!"

[Obama] "Such powerful imagery! There's even more here than you told me about!"

[Rahm] "Yes, sire. That is Cap'n Tax - astride his faithful sidekick, Snowball the Friendly Toy Polar Bear. He wields his mighty pink Magic Wand of Hopenchange to bring Rainbows of Joy to all the good environmentalist children who believe in him. In heroic sweeps of his mighty wand, he lowers the temperature a very small fraction of one degree over several decades and rewards his cronies with billions of taxpayer dollars!"

[Obama] "And he even looks kinda like ME!"

[Rahm] "Certainly, sire! Your universal popularity is a key ingredient in this blockbuster success!"

[Obama, gazing at artwork] "I, uh, um, uh, just need a sec to, uh, take this all in. I mean, uh, that's a lot of awesomeness to absorb all at once!" [Prolonged, dumbfounded stare at artwork as perma-grin forms on his face]

[Rahm, silently to himself] "I am simply elated that Dear Leader so enjoys my idea!" [savors this moment]

[VP Biden] "So there you guys are. I've been lookin' all over for ya! Whatcha got there?" [snatches artwork from still awestruck Obama] "What the heck?"

[Rahm, indignantly] "That, which you hold in your sweaty, malformed paws, is the..."

[Biden] "I'll tell ya what that is - it is the most effeminate thing to ever be printed on paper. Geez, Perez Hilton in a tutu wouldn't even be half as gay as this! And check the ears on this dude! Do they have their own zip code?" [Holds artwork for closer look] "Ha! It even resembles you, Barry! Well, except this guy actually has muscles! Where'd you find this trash? On some no-name no-talent blog or something? This is hilarious!"

[Obama, pouting as he stomps away] "I'm going inside. Leave me alone."

Friday, June 26, 2009

Ha Ha! My state is better than your state!

[To the tune of that stupid Pussycat Dolls song]

Don't cha wish you lived in Oregon like me?

Yeah, the US House passed Obama's ridiculous Cap'n Trade bill that will cause most Americans' utility bills to soar. But not in Oregon, nosiree! Somehow it looks like we might avoid the CO2 Jaws of Death and actually profit on the deal! Woohoo!

What? Please repeat that... did you say what I thought you said? Oregon doesn't manufacture anything anymore? I guess you're right about that - unless you count the handmade glass "tobacco" pipes that the hippies sell. We don't make much else here anymore. Yeah, we have to bring in just about everything from out-of-state. So you're saying that all the extra costs run up in the red "loser" states will get passed on to us? How totally uncool! We're so green and ecofriendly here, we should get some kind of discount! And I don't make anywhere near $250k, so my taxes can't go up! Obama promised! I demand a recount! Turn those machines back on!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Silly dictator, noox are for kids!

Whenever Li'l Kim has one of his hissy fits, usually uses this thumbnail in their post about it. This pic cracks me up every. single. time. Take a moment and savor all the funny.

First of all, Kim, do you ever leave the house without those "Sorry, I just got my eyes dilated by the ophthalmologist so I gotta wear these" high-fashion shades? Is the sun that much brighter in the Worker's Utopia? And Kim, wherefore art thy potbelly? You used to have a certain annoying cuteness, like a little ceramic buddha. Now you're all sucked up like you've been living on meth and Red Bull. Your flabby neck(s) make Nancy Pelosi look like a cover girl for "Cosmetic Surgery Success Stories" magazine. Have a cheeseburger or two, please.

Yo, Kim posse! What the heck have you done to earn all those decorations on your uniforms? Other than a few of you getting shredded by that Israeli strike on the Syrian reactor complex last year (and you weren't supposed to even be there), when was the last time any of you saw real combat? 1953? C'mon! Cloistered nuns see more action than any of you jokers. Quit pretending you're so cool. And I'd be truly remiss if I didn't take a dig at those hats. Holy craparoni! How many channels of DirecTV can you pick up with those? When some sarcastic blogger can realistically compare you to Guinan, it's time for a new look.
The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays, and I was a little bit disappointed that Obama uninvited the Iranians to his little shindig. I've seen that vid of Obama bowling. Between Obama and Biden, it was just about gare-unn-teed that during the picnic one of them would let fly with an errant lawn dart. I'd love to see Gibbs spin that one: "Jake, the errant lawn dart that struck the Ayatollah at the base of his skull and paralyzed him, is, well, as you know, umm, President Obama has nothing but love and admiration for the mullahs, so it must have been the Mossad or something." Thankfully Li'l Kim stepped up and promised to make my holiday special by testing another missile that day. Aimed at Hawaii. This will cause my heart to swell with patriotic pride, because Obama assured me that regarding Nork missiles, all the t's were crossed and all the i's were dotted. I'd rather that the Tomahawks were armed and the nork launch sites were burning but I'm kind of funny that way.

So Li'l Kimchee says if we try anything against him there will be a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation." Well, you know, it's getting near 4th of July. All the vendors are setting up their tents to sell wimpy little fireworks. They all have poorly translated names like "Lotus Flower in Springtimes Sparkle Fountain." When you light them, they go thhhhhhh and smoke for a few seconds and then the little kids clap. Yay. Kim, your fire shower of nuclear retaliation sounds just like one of those gimpy fireworks. I fully expect to stroll the fireworks booth and find "North Korean fire shower of nuclear retaliation" in the discount aisle. Do not hold in hand. Place on ground, light fuse and get away. Use only under adult supervision. Then curse under your breath at being ripped off again by a cool sounding firework that goes thhhhhh for a few seconds and smokes a little." Kim, nobody is frightened by your antics. Well, except Obama. He's pretty freaked right about now. But then again, the hissing sound of Michelle uncapping another diet Mr. Pibb is enough to make Barry dive for cover. He's the only one that's spooked by you, Kim. The rest of us are laughing our ample fannies off at you. And our fannies are ample because even with Obama in charge, our country isn't so pathetic that the populace is starving while you sit and watch your decadent imperialist DVD collection.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Brain Pain

Well, I'm in the middle of a big industrial engraving job for ATS. Unfortunately, the laser burped yesterday and ruined a sheet of material. So now we don't have enough to finish the job. They are good customers, though, so I have to meet their deadline of tomorrow. That means I'm having to laser engrave on ordinary plastic sheet stock instead of the stuff specifically meant for laser engraving.

The ordinary stuff actually ablates (fancy word for "gets burned away") quite nicely, but the fumes are NASTY, even with the ventilation system maxed out. It also leaves sticky black goo on the deck of the laser machine - and on the laser operator (me) when I go to gather the finished pieces out of the laser. I refer to this goo as the "transdermal carcinogenic toxin delivery paste" 'cuz it just smells and feels like is deadly.

Between the goo and the fumes, I have a raging headache. I am starting to feel kind of loopy and weird thoughts are entering my head. I keep thinking stuff like "Ya know, maybe Obama was right avoid meddling in the deaths of helpless Iranians." Then I briefly snap out of it. But I'm worried that the black "laser bong resin" goo is going to rot my brain and turn me into a liberal.

Since I'm not thinking so clearly, I need some help. What other warning signs should I be looking for? Is this condition permanent? Should I just quit my job to go on welfare and grow hemp? I just don't know anymore...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day!

Hope all the fathers, grandfathers and fathers-to-be are having a great day. If you happen to be of the fairer sex, hopefully you have a great day too. But this one is for us. You had your day last month, so I really don't want to hear it right now. Unless you care to comment. I like comments. (wink-hint-nudge).

Anyway, about a week ago my daughter's boyfriend was at our house. The starter in his Explorer is bad, but it's a stick so he doesn't care that much. He thought he could roll-start it in our driveway. Unfortunately, our driveway is only about two carlengths long. While it is oh-so-slightly downhill, there is a little rise where it meets the street. Yeah, it didn't start. It ended up halfway in the street. He came back in to ask for a little help pushing it, but first we had to pull it far enough back up the driveway to complete the turn onto the street. I had my left hand in the door jamb, as the driver's door was open. As we completed our heave, he decided to shut the door. The fact that two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time didn't occur to him on either the physical or philosophical level. He shut the door, and the door displaced my hand. Painfully. Actually just the pointer and middle finger. (Symbolic?) Thankfully no bones broken or anything like that - just pain and a good opportunity to practice not cussing when I really, really, wanted to.

Fast forward to Friday afternoon. As I was stepping through the front door, a freak gust of wind tried to slam it in my face. The little brass striker thing that sticks out of the door caught my sore left pointer finger and pulled the nail about 1/4 the way off. If anything like that has happened to you before, I don't need to explain any farther. If you've been lucky enough to avoid it, well, there's a reason the Vietnamese used to torture our POWs that way.

So today, at the end of church, that same pointer finger had a small hangnail. I've been paranoid about the bent-backwards fingernail catching on things, so the hangnail was more distracting than usual. I decided to deal with it in the manly way of yanking it off. Usually this solves the problem with a minimum of fuss. Probably should have waited until tomorrow, though, because the hangnail decided it didn't want to be lonely on Father's Day. It took a fair bit of the surrounding skin with it. Thankfully I'm not one who freaks at the sight of my own blood, if you know what I mean.

Now the end of my left pointer finger more-or-less looks like I held onto a firecrakcer too long before throwing it. My wife is at work for a few more hours, and I'm sitting here by myself eating room temperature store-brand raviolis right out of the can as the weather tries to decide if it should do a full-on rain or just continue to drizzle.

How's your Father's Day going?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dave gets schooled.

CAUTION: This post contains actual math. Oooh, Scary! I gave it a good-faith attempt at accuracy, but please don't snivel if you find an error.

[David Letterman] "Give it up for Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra!"

[commercial break]

[boring, not very funny monologue by Dave]

[commercial break]

[Dave L.] "and the number one reason..." [drumroll] "Michelle's sculpted arms!"

[commercial break]

[Dave L] "A warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Dave L] "Allow me to introduce our first guest, Governor Sarah Palin!"

[audience split between cheers and boos]

[Palin enters and takes a seat]

[Dave L] "So, are you going to complain about the frigid conditions in the Green Room, like all the other conservatives I invite on this show?"

[Palin] "Actua..."

[Dave, interrupting] "I'm not cold, because I have a warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Palin] "I was going to say, you call that cold? That's not cold. Where I come from, we call that let's head to the swimmin' hole kind of temperatures! So Dave," [winks] "um, is it alright to call you 'Dave', or do you prefer 'Senator Boxer'? I mean, you've fought really hard to earn that title."

[Dave L] "Uhh..."

[Palin] "No, really, it's your show. What do you want to talk about?"

[Dave L] "Truth be told, we bring guests on because the people are interested in them. What do YOU want to talk about?"

[Palin] "OK, let's set the record straight. I'm not here for me. I'm here for you and CBS. CBS's ratings are so far down the toilet that I'm worried that Obama might try to nationalize your broken network. Our country can't afford another bottomless pit of government spending trying to prop up a failed enterprise. I'm hoping my appearance will give you enough of a ratings boost to keep your network out of bail-out-land."

[Dave L, humbly] "I appreciate that. We need all the help we can get. I apologized, as sincerely as this bitter old man is able, but the rabble are still upset about my jokes. They're boycotting my advertisers. Can you get them to chill out? If I lose my job, I won't be able to afford all the cosmetic surgery my wife so desperately needs!"

[Palin] "I'll see what I can do. If you promise to try not to insult my kids, I promise to try to save your sorry show."

[Dave] "Deal. Now, what's been going on up in the Great White North?"

[Palin] "I've very pleased with the progress being made on the natural gas pipeline."

[Dave, back to normal sarcastic self] "There you go with the fossil fuel thing again. That's like, so 20th century!" [monotonous chanting voice] "Drill... Here... Drill... Now... Kill... Polar... Bears... So... I... Can... Drive... My... SUV"

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Dave, normal voice] "Seriously, everybody's going to be driving electric cars soon. Why the incessant pleas for more carbon-based, non-renewable, polluting energy from hell?"

[Palin] "Let's try some math. But first, I must correct you. It is Drill, Baby, Drill! Anyway, the latest available numbers, from 2003, show that Americans drove 2,890,893 million miles. That's 2,890,893,000,000 miles in one year. We use about 20,680,000 bbl/day of petroleum, which works out to about 317,024,400,000 gallons per year. Each of those gallons has about 115,000 BTU of chemical energy stored in it. Or 121 megajoules, if you prefer. It is unrealistic to think that ALL cars will be electric, so let's say half go electric. Let's also acknowledge that the internal combustion process loses a lot of that energy out the tailpipe as wasted heat. Are you keeping up?"

[Dave] "Everybody says you're just a dumb chillbilly."

[Palin] "Those 317,024,400,000 gallons we burn each year release 38,359,952,400,000 megajoules of energy. Due to the inefficiencies I cited above, only about 7,671,990,480,000 of those megajoules are used to actually propel the vehicle. Since we don't yet have viable electric cars being massed produced, we'll have to make to assumptions. I'll be generous and assume these cars will be very efficient, and weigh considerably less than a conventional gas-powered car. Let's say that those cars could somehow go the same number of miles on about half the total power that petroleum gives us. We'd then need 3,835,995,240,000 megajoules of energy to move them. Actually, since we're assuming that only half the vehicles on the road end up being electric, we can halve that again. 1,917,997,620,000 megajoules of electrical energy. Do you remember what a watt is?

[Dave] "I'm not stupid! A watt is how bright my lightbulbs are! I favor 60W bulbs, but that's just me."

[Palin] "It is also one joule per second. If we could somehow avoid peak times and spread that load out evenly over the course of a year, we'd need our electrical grid to supply an additional 60,819 megawatts on a continuous basis. Remember the rolling blackouts in California a couple years ago? Do think the grid could handle it? How would we do it?"

[Dave] "Windmills"

[Palin] "A new windfarm in Oklahoma just put in 82 windmills to get 123 megawatts. Do the math, and we'd need about 45,000 windmills like that to move our little electric cars. At least when the wind is blowing. Where do you want to site these? Are the radical greens and NIMBYs going to just roll over, or will they fight every last one in court until we're all old? And what do we do when the wind isn't blowing?"

[Dave] "Hmmm. OK, you're not a dumb bimbo. You're just a bimbo. A bimbo without a warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Palin] "My husband hasn't been to NYC in a long time, so he traveled with me. Are you aware that he's just offstage, right outside those doors over there? " [points towards door]

[Dave] "You conservatives are always fear-mongering. I don't believe you."

[Todd Palin enters]

[Dave, panicky. Spews warm soothing beverage on desk and lapel. Reaches for phone]

[911] "Hello. What is the nature of your emergency?"

[Dave] "It's Dave Letterman again. Todd Palin is here to commit acts of violence."

[911] "Mr. Letterman, we've been through this before. Your nightmares do not qualify as legitimate emergencies."

[Dave] "But I'm not dreaming. He's actually here."

[911] "Please hold while I redirect your call to the crazy nutwad crisis line."

[Dave, hanging up phone] "Oh, hi, Todd!"

[Todd P] "Hey, Dave!"

[Dave] "So, what do you want to talk about?"

[Todd P] "I want to talk about how I'm going to abuse you like a rented snowmachine. I want to talk about how my fist is going to part your gapteeth like a .338 WinMag parts the ribs on a bull moose. I want to talk about how much my wife is NOT a bimbo."

[Dave, sweating, despite cold studio temperature] "Uh, uh, I like that last part the best. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about how your charming, intelligent, attractive and capable wife is going to become President in 2012."

[commercial break]

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Barry Crucial Strategy Session

Obama cabinet meeting. Secretaries, directors, advisers and czars present. VP Biden conspicuously absent. President Obama likewise conspicuously absent.

[SecHS Napolitano] "I hope Obama hurries up! I rented a compressor and a pneumatic die-grinder to finally deal with that corn on my left foot. If I don't return it by 3:00 I have to pay for a second day!"

[Axelrod] "Ugh. That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard! Wait... The second most. The worst was that time I put castor oil in Biden's iced tea... I didn't think human guts could sound like that."

[Napolitano] "Wake me up if he decides to show up" [rests head on DHS notebook, small pool of drool begins to form at the corner of her mouth]

[Obama, entering. With a noticeable limp] "Sorry I'm late, guys."

[Rahm Emanuel] "Sire, what harm has befallen you? Shall I summon the doctors?"

[Obama] "Nah, I'll be fine. Michelle insisted on modeling for me. You know, all the overpriced crap she bought in Paris last week. She was wearing this ridiculous dress that made it look like she was wearing a giant pack of tropical-fruit Lifesavers. I wasn't sufficiently complimentary of her appearance, so she kicked me in the shin with those stupid $600 sneakers. I think she cracked my fibula."

[Rahm E.] "Egads! We must get you to the hospital!"

[Obama] "No, really. I tried fibbing. I can still fib fine, even with a damaged fibula."

[Axelrod, facepalm gesture]

[Obama] "Let's start with international issues. I've been flying around the world lately, and I haven't really kept up with the news, so fill me in. North Korea?"

[SecState Clinton] "I've taken this to the UN. They've agreed that something must be done. It has been decided that there shall be inspections of cargo craft entering and leaving North Korean waters. Food, medicine, that kind of stuff can proceed unhindered, but anything that might have military use will be interdicted."

[Obama] "Geez. That sounds kind of hawkish and harsh."

[Clinton] "The inspections are strictly voluntary. If the craft declines to participate, it is free to continue its trip."

[Obama] "Whew! You had me scared there for a sec! And all those right-wingers say the UN is useless! Hah! They can really accomplish things when the set their minds to it!"

[Clinton] "That bumbling fool Booooosh never acted this decisively against the Norks because he was always afraid, like a little girl, of upsetting the Chinese. He was worried that they'd dump their holdings of US debt, which would clobber the value of our dollar. But I'll let Tim take you through that part later."

[Napolitano, mumbling in her sleep] "Whaddya mean? Dere's no sush thing as too much guacamole."

[Obama] "Somebody wake her up."

[Rahm E. takes large book from shelf, slams it on the table next to Napolitano]

[Napolitano, jerking to alertness] "Is anybody else hungry? I could really go for a really big burrito with tons of guac right about now. Doesn't that sound yummy? Oh, and my foot hurts. Wanna see my corn?"

[SecTreas Geithner] "Ick. I might never be hungry again."

[Obama] "What progress have you made with the Gitmo detainees?"

[Napolitano] "Secretary Clinton and I have arranged for 4 of the Uighurs to be transported to Bermuda."

[Obama] "Won't that bother the Brits? I think they have some kind of arrangement with Bermuda or something."

[Clinton] "Yes. We intentionally avoided telling them until it was too late for them to do much about it. They're hopping mad. [Bad cockney accent] "Indeed, bloody pissed, I'd say"

[Obama] "Perfect! Hey, England!" [arabic accent] "In the name of the prophet, I issue a fartwa in your general direction!"

[collective laughter from all assembled]

[Obama, still chuckling] "OK, let's stay on task. What's the news on the economy? Timbo, what was Hill' talking about?"

[Geithner] "I've prepared a chart. This blue line illustrates the percent change in our money supply. Note the drastic upward spike since you took office."

[Obama] "Oooh! A hockey stick graph! I love those! So this means we have a LOT more money now?"

[Geithner] "Exactly. We're all rich. Additionally, these actions have significantly devalued the dollar. This has a number of benefits - among them making imported petroleum a lot more expensive, so more people will want to buy those silly little cars we're making GM and Chrysler produce. Also, it acts as a hedge against China dumping their debt holdings. Though they hold many, many billions of dollars worth of our debt, you have done so much deficit spending that a dump from China would be barely noticeable. It'd be like one drop of debt in a giant, GIANT ocean of debt. Your predecessor did a lot of deficit spending, too, but not nearly enough to so thoroughly insulate us from any pressure the Chinese might try to exert on our dollar. Once again, you make Booooosh look like an amateur."

[Obama] "Yeah, baby! And you ain't seen nuthin' yet!"

[Obama, continuing] "Which brings us around to the big topic of the day. Biden. His gaffes are getting out of control. I'm really starting to think it is time for Joe to fall on the sword and go away."

[Axelrod, excitedly] "I'll help!!!"

[Obama] "You may recall that during the election season, we reduced our short list of potential veeps to Biden, Evan Bayh," [nods toward Hillary] "and Madam Secretary. I think we need to give ol' Ev a call."

[Axelrod] "OK, that sounds good at first glance. But he's a Senator. If we call him up to the big leagues now, there'll soon be a special election to replace him. Middle America is being weird. Ya know, kinda burned out on the whole Hopenchange thing. Dunno if another dem would win in Indiana right now. That could really screw up the filibuster-proof majority you enjoy right now. It'd really suck to have to nominate sane and sensible Supreme Court justices just because we lacked the votes to break a filibuster."

[Obama] "Good point. Hmmm. Now I'm not sure what to do."

[Hillary, sitting up very straight, smiling sweetly (well, "sweetly" as a Hillary smile goes. Still around a pH of 1.3)] "Umm, Mr. President? Ooops, I mean Your Highness? I kinda think I know somebody who might just be a little interested in taking over for Joe. And she was on your short list."

[Obama] "Really? You're still interested, even after all the abuse I heaped on you during the primaries?"

[Clinton] "Oh, yes! It's a miracle how you were the first politician ever to rise through the ranks of Chicago Machine politics without being the least bit tainted by scandal. It's also a miracle that you're a cigarette-smoking, high-cholesterol cheeseburger-eating African-American with a very high-stress job who isn't the least bit tainted by heart disease. So of course I'd like to be one heartbeat away from the Presidency!"

[Obama] "Ummm. Nevermind." [Pushes intercom button] "Send in Joe."

[Biden, entering] "Hey, guys! [Looks towards Rahm E.] "Yo, twinkletoes! I'm suprised you haven't gone all IDF Krav-Maga on Reverend Wright about his Jew comments from the other day."

[Rahm E.] "You dolt, I'll have you know that the Reverend's words were carefully chosen by none other than myself."

[Obama] "Yes. After my speech in Cairo many of my Jewish friends were concerned that I'm too partial to the mooselimbs in my Middle East policies. So we sent the Reverend out to reinforce the notion that I am actually a puppet of powerful Jews. My Jewish friends feel a lot better now."

[Biden] "Normally, as you all know well, I am the smartest man in any given room. But you guys got me on that one!"

[Obama] "You mention your intelligence, which brings us around to the subject at hand. Your gaffes, or "verbal flatulence" as I like to call them, are becoming unbearable. The other day, when discussing the Amtrak tunnel, you said it was for automobile use. Allow me to take a moment to remind you that the Amtrak you like to ride is" [edge to his voice] "actually a train."

[Biden, hesitantly] "Ummm, uhhh. That quote was taken out of context. Umm, yeah, they won't let me drive the train, so I have to ride in one of the CARS in the back. Way, way in the back, most of the time. I was talking about TRAIN CARS. Yeah, that's it. Don't let all those awful right-wingers like the Sierra Club deceive you when they mangle one of my quotes."

[Obama] "Well done. You backtrack and deflect like a real professional!"

[Biden, slightly relieved] "Uhh, thanks, I think."

[Obama] "What about your claim the other day? You were asked about whether my stimulus had actually saved and/or created 600,000 jobs. You said the methodology in calculating that figure was 'above your pay grade.' Are you the Stimulus Sheriff or are you not?"

[Biden, defensively] "Well, it IS above my pay grade! I only make $227,300 a year. That's chump-change around here! Heck, people like Jack Murtha and Dianne Fineswine get more than that from crooked lobbyists in a single day!"

[Obama] "Joe, I'm impressed! That was a masterful use of distraction - taking the focus off yourself and directing it at others. You handled that exactly the way I blame everything on Booooosh. Nicely done. I apologize, on behalf of all America, for our national arrogance and for suggesting that you might be gaffe-prone. Carry On!"

[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!"

[Axelrod, under his breath] "Dang!"

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Thanks, Barry!

President Obeyme has spent a lot of camera time telling us that his policies have saved X number of jobs. That number varies; last I heard I think it was 150,000. This got me to thinking - is my job one that has been miraculously spared by The One? He's so busy traveling and playing golf - I wouldn't want to bother him by actually asking him to name one single specific job he's saved. So is there a list somewhere that I can check?

Wait a sec... ever since I got that really rude surprise at tax time last year, I've been working TWO jobs. Has Obama saved them both? That'd be really amazing! Even if he hasn't saved both, there's a pretty good chance that he's saved at least one of them.

So, as I slavishly toil away at two jobs, trying to catch up on all the taxes my state and federal governments are attempting to wring from my increasingly skeletal and dessicated existence, I will be doubly thankful that my two jobs are likely among those mysterious 150k that Dear Leader has deigned to preserve.

But the uncertainty is killing me! Did he save my job or not? How would I be able to tell if my job(s) are ones that have been saved by Obama?

Monday, June 8, 2009

Greatest Movie Line Ever!

Hey, did you know that once upon a time, Hollywood produced things that were funny, un-PC, and could still be enjoyed by the whole family? Hard to believe, but here is some proof:

Make sure your volume is up high enough to hear the very end.

Tip of the ol' chapeau to aA at geezerchronicles.


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