Thursday, February 26, 2009

Gripe, Gripe, Gripe

It looks like Google has killed my header graphic. Yay. I'll upload it again when I have some time. But it bugs me. Wanna know what else bugs me? Single-ply toilet paper. Enlightened Europeans seem to agree. I much prefer two-ply. Unfortunately, our eurofriends across the sea are taking things way too far, as is their wont. While they don't much like single-ply, they Really Hate 2-ply. But even 2-ply has its faults. Ever have the two plies (is that really the plural of ply? Looks weird to me!) "delaminate" and come off the roll as two parallel but out-of-phase plies, where the little perforation thingies don't line up? THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! It has been happening to me a lot more often since Obama took over. Correlation, causation or coincidence?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sarcastic Blogger can't compete, may seek bailout funds.

OK, a couple days ago Obama names Biden "Stimulus Czar." When asked why he chose Biden, Obama said "Nobody messes with Joe" Seriously. That was the logic. Nothing about economic or financial skills. Nothing about rooting out corrupution or waste.

Then Mr. Czar shows up on TV, and is asked what specific things the Stimulus will do for small business. Our Czar says* "If your customers can't get to you because of transportation, we'll help 'em. If, ya know, the bridge over the creek needs repaired, we'll fix it so you customers can reach you. If your costs of doing business are getting out of hand, we'll install a Smart Meter for your electricity usage." When asked if there was a website with more details, he said yes, but that he didn't know the website number!

As an upstart humorist blogger, how the bloody blinkety-blank am I supposed to compete with that level of Stupid? I mean it! I try, Every Single Day, to come up with some fanciful and ridiculous ideas to build a funny post around, and every single day the Obama/Biden reality ends up being way more wacky than anything my mind can muster. I am outclassed.

*I heard this quote on the radio and posted it from memory. I'll add a link when I finally find one.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sorry 'bout lack of updates

I was having a lot of fun during the first few weeks of Obama's administration: Flubs, trip-ups and gaffes-o-plenty. There were abundant daily news items that I could easily write something sarcastic about. Lately, though, it's been a lot harder. Not because Obama has suddenly found his stride and there are no problems to point out. Quite the contrary. I've started lots of posts that ended up as half-finished drafts that I've never posted because they're just not funny. I mean, I've included all the usual snark and silliness, but what Obama is doing to our nation just isn't laughable anymore, and trying to make ha-ha out of it seems totally tasteless.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Judd Gregg not barry cool

[Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, and Jake Tapper for a little while longer 'til you 'disappear' I'd like you to meet the next White House Counsel, Judd Gregg."

[greggycraig, tapping Obama's shoulder and whispering] "Sire, I think you've misspoken. Again. "

[Obama] "During the campaign season, I promised bipartisanship. I promised an end to politics-as-usual-tit-for-tat-party-line policies. This angered many of my far-left supporters, who would rather do a naked swan dive into a shallow pool of thumbtacks than support a republican. But that's OK. I'm not a New Party socialist ideologue. My fling-poo-at-military-recruiters-far-leftist friends recognize that I am president of everybody and will continue to support me.

"With this promise in mind, I have retained Gates at defense, I have not materially changed our Iraq policy, and even the rendition program continues unabated. I even promised that there would be republicans in my cabinet. So I hereby present to you greggycraig, your next Secretary of Commerce. [Looks over to Judd Gregg, extends congratulatory handshake]

[Ram E.] "I would also like to extend my hand to Mr. Gregg, but I can't reach that high. However, he and I have already discussed our mutual appreciation and respect, and his willingness to cede Census responsibilities from his department directly to me." [Raised eyebrow on Gregg] "Since I am in an appointed position with no congressional oversight, and am known to be a vicious partisan hack, it took a lot of convincing before Mr. Gregg agreed that this Census manuever was a good idea. This is the kind of moral tenacity that our country needs during these troubling times, and just multiplies my respect for this man. " [Ram glances to Gov. of New Hampshire and exchanges a not-so-subtle wink with him] "Additionally, Mr. Gregg is so principled, he insisted that his democrat Governor only appoint another republican to replace him. That is epitome of bipartisanship right there - democrat and republican working together for the best of the country." [Stifled laughter]

[Obama] "Mr. Gregg contributes valuable republican insights into how best to stimulate our economy by piddling away nearly a trillion dollars. He will also provide valuable cover for weak-kneed moderate republicans - and oh, trust me, there are quite a few - allowing them to vote bipartisanly in a bipartisan manner for bipartisan pork and waste and bipartisan personal enrichment. Patriots like Specter and Snowe will feel much more comfortable doing their patriotic duty of voting for my garbage knowing that there'll be a republican in a token position with token involvement in the whole thing."

[Keith Olberman, into recording device] "Note to self: not all republicans are the Worst Person in the World."

[Ram E.] "Once I finish correcting the, um, 'statistical errors' in the Census data, 100% of House seats will be in blue states. This will be a remarkable accomplishment, that wouldn't be possible without Mr. Gregg so admirably putting partisan issues on the back burner."

[Obama] "As the new Secretary of Commerce, juddycraig's first responsibilites will be getting a better job for Julio and some housing for Henrietta. But at the moment none of that matters as I need to jet off to the Caterpillar Heavy Equipment factory.
[Obama] "...and that is what my stimulus package will do. It will be great. It will be awesome. It will get thousands of you laid-off former co-workers back to work."

[Assembled workers] "Yay! Obama is great!"

[Jim Owens, CEO of Caterpillar, yanking mike away from Obama] "Are you serious? Do you really think spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Honeybee Insurance and Polar Bear Exhibits and Monorails and Dog Parks in Chula Vista is going to do a darn thing for my employees? I might as well light a big pile of cash on fire, that would at least keep them warm for a few minutes during this harsh winter."
[Judd Gregg, on his website] "Obama told me I'd be doing republicany kinds of things like negotiating trade deals with foreign governments. Then I find out what he's really all about. At this point I can't tell if he's a liar, a moron, or simply in way over his head. If Rahm were a larger individual, I'd call him a 'weasel', but I'll have to settle for calling him a, uh, erm, 'extremely small member of the Mustelidae family.' I won't work for this administration. I am going back to the Senate to oppose every harebrained idea this administration conjures up."
[Obama, in Air Force One back to DC] "Crap."

That's barry special!

Obama and his entourage were gathered in the White House media room. A very large HD TV displayed Sean Hannity discussing VP Biden's claim of a 30% chance of failure in Obama's stimulus package. A somber Obama clicked the remote over to CNN. CNN analysts were likewise discussing Biden's comment. More clicks of the remote, more discussion of Biden.

[Axelrod] " 'Bams, quit worrying so much. We know the package is worse than that, so Joe is actually giving you more credit than you deserve. Cut him some slack."

[Ram E.] "Sire, Biden suggests you have a 70% chance of success! A batting average of .700 would shatter all records! Indeed, m'lord, it seems you ought to be taking pride in this moment yet you are deflated. I just don't understand."

[Obama] "No, you don't understand. I felt like I had to pick Biden to offset the republican claims that our ticket lacked experience. I wanted to pick Evan Bayh, but nooooooooo, you had to talk me into Biden." [Dirty look towards Axelrod]

[Axelrod] "Bayh's a stiff! He's got less personality than McCain, and I never thought that was possible."

[Obama] "He may be a stiff, but remember, 'dead men tell no tales.' He would've just been silent and stayed out of the way, unlike your Biden. Enough of this, I'm ready for some good news for a change." [Obama clicks over to al-Jazeera]

[Arabic dialog on the TV - understood by Obama, but gibberish to the rest. Biden's face appears on screen] "The Iraqis need to step up. This failure to reach reconciliation, the ongoing violence, the sectarian strife needs to come to an end, or this administration will be forced to barge into a sovereign country and put our foot down. We won't put up with this."

[Iraqi PM Maliki speaking, subtitled in English] "Biden is an ass. His observations are woefully out-of-date. He speaks of a situation that was resolved years ago. Seriously, the big cities of my country are safer than the big cities in America. I question Biden's mental health, and Allah willing, I will strike Biden's mouth with a closed fist. I also question, you, President Obama" [Maliki leans in close to camera] "Why do you tolerate this fool in your administration?"

[Obama, disgusted] "OK, you know things are going poorly when even my al-Jazeera coverage is negative." [Flipping through rolodex, stopping at Biden's number, dialing it.] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you to accomplish. Please get down here right away." [Hangs up] "OK, guys, he'll be here in about 5 minutes. That means we have about 5 minutes to come up with a crucial administration policy for Joe to head up. Think 'Hillary and healthcare reform' from about 15 years ago. Start thinking.'

[greggycraig] "We could put him in charge of energy independence"

[Obama] "Hmmm... Maybe... Actually... NO! [Fierce look on Obama] "He openly differed with me regarding coal usage!"

[Ram E.] "We could make him Climate Czar. Since nobody takes Al Gore seriously anymore, maybe we should pass that torch to Joe."

[Obama] "If we pass a torch to Joe we'll all end up in the burn ward."

[Axelrod] "We could put him in charge of the Special Olympics"

[Obama] "Tell me more - but hurry, he'll be here in about a minute!"

[Axelrod] "It's in Idaho this year. That's about all I know. Not like I've ever been to Idaho. Not like I'll ever go to Idaho. Not like I want to have anything to do with special needs kids. Geez, I'm getting nauseated just thinking about being surrounded by a bunch of right-wing Idaho hicks and their inbred kids."

[Obama] "Now that's an idea I can work with. Let's send Joe to Idaho on an EX-TEN-DED stay to tackle this issue!" [Obama's cronies laughing and nodding]

[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! It must be a real important, this whateveritis you want me to go do, since it is so rare that we're all in the same room together."

[Obama] "NORAD assures me that there are no meteors inbound on our location at the moment, so we should be OK for now. But to be safe, we should keep this short."

[Axelrod, putting down drink, tensing up]

[Biden] "Yeah, no kiddin'! The way that fossil Pelosi, I mean, if she ever became President..."

[Axelrod] "Gah!" [Clutches head before collapsing]

[Biden] "As I was saying, about how Pelosi is running the House. Speaking of House, isn't that a weird name for a TV show about a doctor? And NORAD, don't get me started, but I heard they actually let Canadians in there, too. Are we like, allies or something, with Canada? Somebody told me that Canadian radar watches for nuclear missiles coming over the pole from Russia, and they watch the little radar blippy things down here in Colorado. What's the matter with those Canucks? They can build a radar that can see all the way to Russia, but they can't build their own radar displays. And how can Sarah Palin see Russia from her house, and the Canadians can also see Russia from like thousands of miles away, but Alaska and Canada are neighbors? I don't think Palin was being completely truthful. I know Russia is kinda big, but I oh, I get it now. That's how NORAD is able to track Santa every Christmas - without Canadian radar watching the North Pole we'd never know when Santa takes off. I guess those Canadians are good for something after all. Do the igloos up there have chimneys for Santa, or is it more of an icehole? Hey, I kicked Santa in the icehole!" [Biden laughing at his joke]

[Obama] "Joe, you've already caused Axelrod to have another stroke. Let's get down to business. This year the Special Olympics Winter Games are being held in Boise, Idaho. As you may recall, but probably don't, Sarah Palin made some blatant panders to the special needs community during our campaign. It was very cruel of her to do so, because those people, being special needs types, lacked the discernment to see through her deplorable campaign rhetoric."

[Biden] "Oh, I know, it's distasteful. So you want me to go to Idaho and set the record straight."

[Obama] "Yes. Palin thinks she has locked up that voting bloc. It is your task to win them back to our side. The next presidential election isn't for about 45 months, but we can't rest on our laurels. Head to Idaho, and take as long as you need to convince those voters that Palin is evil."

[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!" [Biden exits]

[Ram E. gathers the drink from Axelrod's still-clenched drink-holding hand and splashes some of the liquid on Axelrod's face]

[Obama] "Axe, wake up! Biden's on his way to Idaho. It's safe now."

[Axelrod, groggy] "Dat. wuzzn't. an. act... Just. being. in. a. confined. space. with. that. man. and. breathing. from. the. same. air. makes. my. brain. itch. and. then. I. pass. out."
[Announcer] "Thank you, Boise, for hosting this wonderful event" [Crowd cheers] "I'm pleased to announce that Vice President Joe Biden is here to lend his support!" [Audience members look at each other, unsure whether to be excited or not. Smattering of intermittent applause]

[Biden] "Let the games begin!" [Kids cheer and dash off in various directions, towards their events]

Evening falls, events wind down, kids and families reassemble for the awards ceremony. Most kids are happy, a few are disappointed that they didn't perform as well as hoped. The announcer reads names and scores, while Biden presents trophies and ribbons.

[Biden, goodnaturedly] "Nice job, kid. It's lucky for you that tackle football isn't one of the winter games. I'd have come down there and stomped you into the mud!" [Biden rubs kid on top of head in a friendly manner]

[Kid] "Think so?" [Kid winds up and kicks Biden in shin, bulky corrective shoe maximizing the painful effect] [Biden winces in pain, leans over, grabs shin. Kid bonks Biden on back of head with trophy and exits]

[Announcer] "Thank you families, thank you kids for a great event. That's it for the awards. We're just about done. VP Biden has just a few words for us before we go."

[Biden, eyes still a bit watery from the pain he endured a few minutes prior] "Folks, I'd just like to remind you how important you all are to the Biden I mean Obama/Biden administration. That lying liar who tells a lot of lies, yes, [snooty nasal voice with scornful look on face] Sare-ruh Pay-lin, like to appear with her special needs kid in public. Yeah, I said 'IN PUBLIC' with her special needs kid. She carries that kid around like some kind of badge of honor, and tells everyone how much she cares about special needs kids. Well, like I said, she's a lying liar." [Boos from the crowd] "Hey! I have security clearance! I've seen classified documents that show that she really wants special needs kids sent to warehouses, where she fattens them up before rendering them into lamp oil. They need the lamp oil up there 'cuz of the long, dark winters." [More boos, shaking of fists] "Oh, you don't think so? There's a lot of classified info I've seen, like about our plans to bomb Iran on St. Patrick's Day, that I can't talk about 'cuz it's classified. But if you'd seen what I've seen, you'd never vote for a republican again!"

[Loud cheers from crowd] [Biden surprised by the crowd's change of mood] "Yeah, I'm gonna bomb Iran and save your kids from the Wolfkiller of the Great White North!"

[Crowd louder still. Biden doesn't see that Sarah Palin is sneaking up behind him, but crowd is all over it.]

[Sarah Palin, grabbing microphone away from Biden] "Say it ain't so, Joe!"

[Biden, shrieking] "Nooooo! Please don't shoot me with a moose rifle!"

[Palin] "Of course not, Joe. I have other things in mind." [Cracks knuckles]

[Biden, dropping to his knees] "Why have you come here? Is it only to embarrass me further?"

[Palin] "Naw, Joe. I was born in Idaho and went to college in Idaho. Idaho is kind of like my version of Scranton. So when I heard all these great kids were going to be here, of course I had to be here for it."

[Biden, still kneeling, clasps hands as if in prayer] "Mercy, please!"

[Palin feigns knee to Biden's solar plexus, stops just short of hitting him] [Biden flinches, coughs up small amount of saliva onto lapel of his expensive suit.]
Later that evening...

[Obama on phone to Biden] "How did it go?"

[Biden] "Well, I got beat up my a middle schooler and Sarah Palin showed up and totally derailed my attempts at smear tactics."

[Obama] "Setbacks are to be expected, Joe. Stay in Idaho and keep trying. I'll be in touch..."

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Amerika barry good? Not sure.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 [you know the drill by now]


Part 6

President Obama paced about the Oval Office, fingers on chin, with a pensive look about him. Surrounded by his most loyal advisors and confidants, none dared break the silence. Events of the week had borne heavily on their leader, and his anxieties were leaking over onto his staff. Gone was the jubilance of January. The Groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter, an apt metaphor for the drear about the room.

[Obama, quietly] "I look bad because of Daschle. I look bad because of Killefer and Sims. [Sniff] My Stimulus To End All Stimuli isn't well-received. They're having to fly in Kennedy just to try to get enough votes to pass cloture. Just a week ago everybody loved me! Now I can't even get the squishy RINOs to waste money! How could it all go so wrong so soon?"

[Ram E.] "Sire, um, it's always darkest befo.."

[Obama] "Oh, great! Even my Chief of Staff thinks it is a racial issue!"

[Ram E.] "Not at all, sire! Those vile republicans know they are no match for your greatness! They cower before your approval ratings! They reel at your masterful oratory! This is their last, vain attempt at derailing you, but already we've turned Senators Collins and Specter, and Snowe and Martinez are wavering! Soon all will again seek photo-ops with you!"

[Obama, shrugging] "I used to think so... Now... I just don't know..."

[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! How's it all goin' ? Have you heard about KFC's new hot wings that don't need any sauce to be hot? Is that crazy or what? They say the hot is like cooked into the batter or something. Weird. And I can't figure out why they call them Buffalo Wings. Makes people think they're from Buffalo, ya know, where the Bills play and it snows a lot. How could they make hot wings in such a cold place? Am I the only one who realizes this? I know my IQ is higher than just about anybody's but c'mon! I think the whole thing is just a marketing scam. Mr. President, does your stimulus package include anything for investigating marketing scams? Duh. [Facepalm gesture] Stupid question. Your stimulus package has funding for just about everything! And that '5 dollar foot-long' crud from Subway! Doesn't Subway understand sales tax? Do ya really think they'd have a national ad campaign only to sell sammiches in places like OrreGAHN that don't have a sales tax? C'mon! They're either rippin' people off with the ol' bait-n-switch 'Sir, your 5 dollar sandwich comes to $5.78' junk, or they're cheating on their taxes! Speaking of which, maybe you should nominate them to be in your Cabinet! [SnortLOL from Biden laughing at his own joke] Why's everybody so glum? Am I talking too much?"

[Obama] "Yes, Joe, you're talking too much. Someone as smart as you shouldn't even need to ask that question. But the real reason for our dour mood is the multiple hardships this administration has faced in not even three weeks of governance. I've gone my whole life with things being handed to me on a silver platter. I've never had to pace around the room worrying about whether people love me - until now. This presidency thing just might be above my pay grade."

[Biden] "Whenever I have a bout of doubt, oh, hey, 'bout of doubt.' Heh. I could be a rap star! But seriously, there's nothing like a road trip with the guys to enliven the spirit. Ya know, reminiscing about the good ol' days, whistlin' out the car window at the girls, that kind of stuff. I always feel way better after I get out of the car at the end of a nice long road trip.

[Obama] "I'm sure the other passengers in the car also felt much better after you got out at the end of a long road trip. But it is a good idea, Joe. I think I'll take your advice for once."

[Biden] "ROAD TRIP!!! WooHoo! Where are we going?"

[Axelrod, sipping a martini, under his breath] "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no."

[Obama] "Sorry, Joe. It is just too dangerous for us to travel together. If there were, God forbid, some kind of tragedy like a car wreck that killed us both, according to the Constituti..."

[Biden, interrupting] "President Pelosi"

[Axelrod, coughing violently, briefly choking] "Guys! I'm trying to have a drink, here, and you have to mention her? I just coughed a little bit of olive out my nose! That hurt!"

[Obama] "Yes, Joe. That's why we'll never, ever, ever be able to travel together. In fact, we should even try to avoid being in the same room, in case of a meteor strike or something."

[Axelrod, between sips of martini] "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

[Biden, standing tall, like the soldier at attention that he never was because of lame medical deferments during Vietnam] "Mr. President, enjoy your trip. I shall rule in your stead with evenhandedness and wisdom."

[Obama] "Yeah, Joe, whatevs. Just don't break anything valuable"

[Ram E.] "Sire, I've summoned the heavily armored presidential SUV for the trip."

[Obama] "Thanks, Ram, but not this time. Tell them to warm up Air Force One!"
[Obama walking the tarmac towards Air Force One, surrounded by Axelrod, greggycraig, Ram and CIA director-designate Leon Panetta and a security detail. Reporters crowd around, snapping photos like paparazzi at a celebrity drug rehab center]

[reporter] "Mr. President, where are you headed? Might you be going to the Middle East to bring Peace To All Men?"

[Obama] "Sorry, our itinerary is classified."

[reporter] "Sir, I see that none of your wives are travelling with you."

[Obama, angrily] "Listen, I only have ONE wife. K? I might be a cryptomuslim, but I DO NOT have a harem. Michelle would run me over with a zamboni if she ever thought I had another wife or two."

[reporter] "Sorry, sir. I meant that you're travelling with much of your inner circle, but neither your wife nor any of your assistants' wives appear to be making the trip."

[Panetta makes silent eye-contact with a member of the security detail. The agent turns and heads directly towards the reporter and beats him mercilessly]

[Obama and entourage nearing the stairway up to Air Force One]

[Obama] "Ha, ha! SHOTGUN!"

[Security detail springs into action. Four agents tackle Obama and crew, smothering them with their own bodies to protect the president from shotgun fire. Remaining agents pull concealed UZIs out of their jackets and hose down the row of reporters with sustained full-auto fire.]

[Obama] "Uhh. Um. I meant I was calling 'shotguhhhh' [catches himself before uttering 'shotgun' again] OK? I'm NOT saying there's a weapon aimed at me! I'm just saying I call front seat in the plane!" [Obama, pulls out cell phone] "Gibbs, things just got a little weird down here at the airstrip. There are going to be some awkward questions." [pause] "Yeah, even worse than the other day with Jake Tapper from ABC News. But I know you can handle it and put the right spin on it. You're the best press secretary in the history of forever." [hanging up phone] "Let's go!"
I can possibly be convinced to continue...

P.S. If that "Jake Tapper from ABC" doesn't sound familiar, watch the vid at the link. It'll make ya smile.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Obama Obad hair day week!

Wow. It's only Wednesday, and the madness in DC is almost overwhelming. Like JFK's death or the Challenger explosion, someday my grandkids are going to ask "where were you the week Obama ruined the country forever?" I need to stop and review because things've gone buck-nutty.

Domestic probs:
  • Daschle tax problems - out of the running for Sec HHS
  • Killefer tax problems - out of the running for Chief Performance Officer
  • Sims scandals - this one just came up today - details pending
    Nevermind - he is black - everything's OK and I'm a racist for even mentioning it but he appears to be a major crook and partially responsible for "Gov Gregoire" instead of "Gov Rossi" in Washington state.
  • "Stimulus" losing appeal and may go down in flames. More and more people are hearing about all the junk in it and saying "no thanks."

International probs:

  • Iran launches satellite into orbit - a rocket that can put a satellite into space is also handy for lobbing nukes at people. Thankfully "outer space" is a much larger target than, say, "Jerusalem." But betting on your enemy's missiles having poor guidance isn't much of a strategy.
  • North Korea announces new missile - This one could hit the western US. Yay!
  • Russia says "up yours!" to Obama - Russia convinces Kyrgyzstan to kick us out, preventing us from using a base there - one of our main supply lines for the war in Afghanistan. If we can't effectively fight the Taliban and they reassert themselves and go on to hassle Russia (Mohammedans have a long memory of real and perceived wrongs against them) I'll try not to laugh in Putin's face about it.
  • India says "up yours!" to Obama regarding Kashmir - That disputed area that Pakistan and India go to war over once in a while. Read FT at the link. You know things aren't going so well when a supposed ally calls you a 'monkey'
  • Canada and EU say "up yours!" to Obama's "Buy American" policy. Obama originally wanted this included in the stimulus - that steel, concrete, etc, used in infrastructure projects would be domestically produced, so the House included it in the version they passed the other day. Then our supposed allies start freaking out and warning that it will lead to a trade war if we don't consider buying our stuff from elsewhere. Dunno where I stand on this one - I don't like protectionism, but I do like irritating the socialists in the EU. Prez Obeyme now finds himself with the unions that make things like steel pulling him one direction, and whiny international socialists pulling him the other. Better him than me.

Seriously, all this has happened in just the last few days, and the week isn't even over yet.


UPDATE: 'Nuther Day, 'Nuther Dodger!

Tax cheat du jour is Hilda Solis. Obama doesn't disappoint - there's something screwy in his administration daily. Will the last honest democrat please stand up, please stand up?

Monday, February 2, 2009

Obama exempt from own rules

To much fanfare, president Obeyme issued several Executive Orders in his first few days of office. One of them called for strict rules regarding lobbyists - that they couldn't serve in his administration, nor could former administration officials become lobbyists until Obama's administration is ended. Next thing you know, he's issuing exemptions to his own rules. Many exemptions.

1 is an anomaly
2 is a coincidence
3 is a pattern
17 is, um, what, exactly?

He's only been in office for 13 days.

Amerika still mostly barry good

Previous: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 (If you read them out of order, they'll make no sense at all. If you read them in order, well, um, there's no guarantee that way, either)

Part 5

[Senior Advisor David Axelrod catching up with distraught Obama] "Hey, I was trying to tell you that not all the news is bad. First off, we've just about convinced Judd Gregg to be Secretary of Commerce. He's from..."

[Obama, head-tilted like a confused puppy, interrupting] "But greggycraig is already in my administration as White House Counsel."

[Axelrod] " 'Bams, that weed is making you dopey! I'm talking about Senator Gregg"

[Obama, more confused] "Buuuhhh, isn't he a republican? Aren't we supposed to be exterminating republicans?"

[Axelrod] "A republican from New Hampshire, 'Bams. He's almost as liberal as you, man. Then the dem governor of NH can appoint a replacement, and we'll have that filibuster-proof majority in the Senate! Besides, like, what good is the Commerce Secretary, anyway? You were gonna give to that zitpicker Richardson guy. One token republican in a useless department isn't so bad."

[Obama, starstruck with himself] "Yeah... yeah! I can take Gregg up on the stage with me and dangle him in front of the media. Then I'll give a memorable speech that nobody remembers, full of soaring rhetoric about post-partisanship. My approval ratings alllllllwaaaaays climb after I give a long, meaningless speech. Axe, you are a genius!"

Later that afternoon...

[Obama shooting hoops by himself in the Presidential Gym, talking to imaginary opponent] "Think ya can guard me? Watch THIS! [decent crossover dribble, drive to unguarded basket, layup] "Hah!" [Chest thump] "You can't stop me!"

[Ram E. enters] "Sire, the news conference is in half an hour."

[Obama] "Ram, do you think I 'got game'?"

[Ram] "Absolutely, m'lord. You've more game in you than Sarah Palin has in her freezer."

[Obama] "Uhh-huh! That's what I'm sayin'! Well, I guess happyfuntime is over and I have to go act presidential for a while."


[White House, Obama holding press conference]
[Elderly reporter] "Mr. President, is it true that you are expanding the Rendition practice of 'outsourcing torture' as a way of getting information from enemy combatants?"

[Obama] "What the heck? Are you from Fox News or something asking me a question like that! This is going to be a short* conference if those are the kinds of questions you want to ask. I'd really rather talk about my bold prediction that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. "

[Elderly reporter] "Sir, it is being reported that this is the case. Most of us are having a hard time believing it. Since you were such a wuss regarding Gitmo, we really expect you'll do the same thing with the rendition practice."

[Obama, rolling up shirt sleeves] "Oh, so now I'm a wuss?" [growing more angry] "Step up here and say that again! I dare you! I might be small, and weigh less than my wife's left leg, but all 97 lbs of me is pure fight!"

[Elderly reprterr] "That's easy to say when you're surrounded by Secret Service, ya wuss!"

[Obama, raging. Tries to lift podium, fails. Tries to lift teleprompter, fails. Tries to lift folding metal chair, mostly fails. Frantic glances around room, searching for something he can lift]

"Grrraagggh!" [Removes shoe, thows it weakly in general direction of reporter]

[Elderly reporter] "Ha! Nice shovel pass, Alice! You throw about as good as you bowl! If you could throw a show like you throw a fit, maybe I'd have reason to worry!"

[Obama, regaining composure] "Seize him!"

[Elderly reporter, dashing towards door with surprising dexterity, finds all exits blocked by large, intimidating men] "Please, please, whatever you do, don't do a rendition on me!"

[Obama, with devilish grin] "You'll get a rendition, alright. I can't wait for the results. My friends in that little Turkish village can be very persuasive. Your screams shall be playing in my iPod for years to come! Bwaahaahaahaaa!"

[USAF C-17 over the Atlantic en route to Baghdad]

[radio voice] "Adjust course for Ankara International Airport. By orders of the president himself."

[pilot] "Aye, aye. Ankara International."

[in cargo area of C-17, between pallets of MREs, frustrated CIA rookie struggles to break the will of old man tied to seat] "Sir, we've tried all the usual methods, but he has resisted thus far."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Well, old man, you seem vaguely familiar. No worries, I won't let it interfere with my work." [Slaps elderly reporter across face] "What the heck?" [Grabs elderly reporter by the face and peels off latex mask.] "Bill!?! Is that you?!"

[Former CIA director William Casey] "Yeah, Dan. It's me. I faked my death in 1987 so I could better infiltrate the Soviet Union and singlehandedly bring down the Evil Empire. Since then I've been spending my days in quiet retirement, but it is ever more evident that my country needs me again. So I insulted The One and mocked his intelligence policy, confident that it would land me right in the hands of the intelligence community I once led. So far, so good."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Why is a mouse when it spins?"

[Casey] "Brussel sprouts at twilight."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Wow, it is you. This is amazing!"


to be continued...


* Old news, but maybe you never heard about it.


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