Friday, December 9, 2011

Alms! Alms for the poor! *UPDATED*

"Alms!  Alms for the poor!"

OK, that sounds kind of desperate...

How about

"It's the all-request hour at rockin' KDUM-FM!"

Here's the deal - I haven't been able to think of anything funny for a long time.  I check the sitemeter and see dwindling numbers, but also clicks from faithful readers who are no doubt thinking something like "Maybe, just maybe, innominatus has posted something that isn't totally McTarded and is actually kinda funny, which might briefly - oh, so briefly - lift my spirit out of the doldrums of misery."  But I haven't.  For a long time.  It makes me feel like a total failure.  So I'm taking requests.  This is what desperation smells like.

So... If you've ever wished I'd be struck in the head by a speeding meteorite write about some certain topic, lemme know.  If you have a story idea, lemme know.  If you have a tip to something funny that I might use as a mental springboard, lemme know.  If you know (in an eco-friendly way, of course) how to dispose of a shipping container full of dead hippies, lemme know.



Hey!  When in doubt, write about PAIN!
This is a picture of the engraving table I use daily.  Not my actual one, but a pic of the same model, which I jacked from some Portuguese website.  Neither is that actually me.  The real me has a larger, but less pointy nose.  But you get the idea.  Anyway, I was trying valiantly to deposit a scrap of paper in the wastebasket under the table, which was basically right between my feet.  Somehow I managed to miss the wastebasket.  When I bent down to retrieve the errant paper, I banged by ample forehead on the Y-Axis stepper motor.  The Y-Axis stepper motor is about the same size as a Pepsi can but not as well cushioned.  You'd think that daily use of this machine since May of 2000 would lead me to have a good working knowledge of where the Y-Axis stepper motor is at any given time, and that I'd use that knowledge to avoid banging my head on said motor.  But you'd be wrong.  So now I have a neat little knot in the middle of my forehead that looks like a swollen Hindu caste mark.  I think I am now an Untouchable.  Shun me accordingly.


  1. Inno, it ain't no big deal. Trust me...I'm an expert on long stretches of FAIL.

    Heck, the last 4 years of captaining my Titanic has only yielded probably 3 or 4 posts that were funny enough to get even a minor chuckle. But, that has NOT stopped me from throwing nearly 3,000 of 'em!

    Blog for yourself. If you don't feel the mood, then just don't.

    But, since you're axin' for suggestions, I think it would be just friggin' hilariously important for at least ONE blogger to start making fun of Obama & his wife, Michelle. I mean...nobody's done that yet. And, you might also think about talking about how retarded most film stars are...ya' know...make bazillions of dollars for reading lines written by others & standing where they are told, but trash society as a whole for being dolts.

    That'd be pretty good, too.

    Inno...we've all been where you are. Really, we have.

    Just write about what you really care about. Hell, even if it's just the dogs & kids & junk. I think my favorite post of yours was the one about cleaning out the back yard/storage/and what good folks your landlords are, etc. I can't remember all the details, but that one cinched it for me.

    I'm kinda at the same place you are. Again.

    Got me an idea, though. Stay tuned.

  2. Ditto, Inno. I've been a little lost lately myself.

    wv= abidesse, what the heck is that??

  3. Ad copy. Especially Christmas ad copy. It's a freakin' gold mine.

    wv: balutti. A frozen Filipino dessert concoction featuring the world famous but terminally disgusting balut.

  4. I'll wait for ya :-)

    In the mean time don't throw in the towel~Unless there's something underneath that we need to

  5. Andy - your blog is more fun than you give yourself credit for.

    Deb - I think that is the whale barf they used to use to make perfume.

    Buck - Yick! If the AF hadn't sent you all over the world, you probably wouldn't have ever known about that egg thing, and therefore could not have included it in your comment. Bad Air Force! No biscuit!

    stopsign - I ain't quittin', just hoping somebody will give me an idea. Like "Hey, inno, I think it would be funny if you put Obama as a dentist on the island of misfit toys. Michelle could be that snowmonster thing."

  6. Inno, I'm blushing. Really...

    Okay, I'll give you an idea:

    "Hey, inno, I think it would be funny if you put Obama as a dentist on the island of misfit toys. Michelle could be that snowmonster thing."

    Problem solved.

  7. On the head bumping thing, I've been there and I feel your pain.

    Knowing this blog it's easy for me to give a suggestion. Our favorite thing that you do VERY WELL is your behind the scenes in the Oval Office and such. The ones with Obama and Biden and others discussing the days hot topics. How about shorting them up a bit and do a daily, or every other day, installment. Make it a serial.

  8. Inno:

    I would love to read a 'day in the life' of your restaurant gig. Leave no degrading indignity you suffered out, no idiocy of managment you are required to execute spared, and of course please gush over the non-stop courtesy extended to you by the general public.

    I would pay to read THAT.

  9. Pictures! We need proof of the lump!

    Don't worry about blog droughts. Happens to most of us. Us faithful readers will keep hanging around, sort of like a bad smell.

  10. If you have time between 2:00 and 6:00 PM Central, Roe and Roper make fun of Illinois and stuff here:
    As a former resident of the other part of Illinois (not Chicago) I still like to listen to it when I can.

  11. That's one of the problems with living where you do. Here in Portland, I don't even have to write! Stuff just leaps up onto the blog unassisted. So I do other things.

    My mom lives in Florida, so I wrote her an email this morning, asking if she could spare a cup or so of Global Warming. 27 degrees here, with thick fog freezing to the trees. I wouldn't send a bus-boy out in weather like this.

  12. This made me think of you.

  13. I'm thinking you look more like a Klingon than a Hindu (Next Generation Klingons, not original).

    Come to thi k of it, Michelle looks kinda like an original Klingon. There you go -- problem solved!

  14. I have no idea, but way too many people that I read share your sentiments, including me. It's like someone is sucking all the funny out of this country. I wonder who that could be.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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