DC sniper die! die! die!

Virginia Governor (for a little while longer) and still DNC bigwig Tim Kaine finally did something right and denied clemency to the DC sniper who will be executed later today.

That right there makes me want to run for governor. It would be fun to wait 'til the needles are just going into the perp's arm and then call the emergency clemency phone. When the bad guy thinks he's just been spared I'd say "Oh, sorry! Wrong number! I was trying to order a pizza from Domino's and I must have mis-dialed. Carry on!"

Are ya serious??

Saw this pic in a "caption this" contest at JammieWearingFool. What the heck? Is there a wicked-strong headwing in her face? Trying to look like Grace Jones? Ace Ventura's hair was supposed to look stupid, yet isn't as bad as this. What is the thought process? Which of her many, many paid staffers looks her in the eye and says "you rook mahvelous!!!"?? Is it some kind of game? The fMSM incessantly reports on her beauty and grace, so maybe Michelle is funnin' them a little by seeing how ridiculous she can look and still get their praises? Dunno. Don't get it. One of you must have an answer. Please fill me in. Or at least tell me who/what she's trying to look like - so I can go to bed without my subconscious reaching erroneous and nightmarish conclusions...

Guest post by Barack H. Obamadinga

DEAR SIR,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

MY NAME IS BARACK H. OBAMADINGA al-GEBRA. I AM DEPUTY MINISTER OF PETROLEUM AND MINERALS OF AFRICAN NATION OF KENYA WHERE MY HALF-BROTHER YOUR PRESIDENT BORN. HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE KENYAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000,000 (FORTY SEVEN BILLION, FIVE HUNDRED MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) . PERHAPS YOUR HEARD OF SCAM MY COUSIN FROM NIGERIA MADE TO YOUR COUNTRY. I ASSURE THAT THIS IS NOT A SCAM.

ONE MONTHS AGO YOUR PRESIDENT FAILED TO ADEQUATE BRIBE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE IN COPENHAGEN. SOON MORE MEET IN COPENHAGEN TO DECIDE PAYMENTS FOR THE GLOBAL WARMING. YOUR PRESIDENT MUST NOT FAIL THE TWO TIMES BOTH IN COPENHAGEN. THIS TIME MY HALF-BROTHER YOUR PRESIDENT SUCCEED IN COPENHAGEN WITH YOUR HELP. PLEASE CONTACT THE ADMINISTRATION AND THE PELOSI TO ARGUE YES ON CLIMATE TREATY IN COPENHAGEN. THEN YOU CAN ALSO HELP WITH THE ABOVE TRANSFER OF WEALTH. AGAIN, THIS IS NOT A SCAM. THIS IS REPARATIONS FOR COLONIAL ERA EVILS TO MY COUNTRY AND THE CO₂ POLLUTION THAT MAKES IT HOT ALL THE TIMES IN MY COUNTRY IN KENYA. WITH YOUR HELP YOU WILL BE MADE PAY TO CORRECT THIS INJUSTICE AND STOP GLOBAL WARMING.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO ACCESS YOUR ACCOUNT. THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. YOU WILL HELP WITH TREATY SIGNING AND YOUR INCREASE TAX RATES. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US GOVERNMENT, 25% FOR POOR VICTIMS LIKE KENYA 5% FOR YOU FAMILY ALSO.

THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM THE DEPUTY MINISTER OF PETROLEUM AND MINERALS (MPaM) AND THERE NO CORRUPTION IN MY FINE COUNTRY. WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR SSN, YOUR TAX WITHHOLD STATUS AND POSTAL ADDRESS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR NATIONAL SOVEREIGNTY BUT MOST OF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS SO FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS STEP


PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS

Blog Post Status: Critical!!

Yay, I got the replacement Y-Axis driver card! I'm back in bidness! But I'm waaaay behind now. Not much time to write. The big issue of the day is the Ft. Hood shooting and having psycho muslims in our military. The only things I have to say on the issue are 4-letter words, and sometimes my friends from church check this blog. It would be, oh, just kinda, um, "awkward" on Sunday if I told you what I really think about the Ft. Hood attack, Obama's McTarded "shout out!" yesterday, and islam in general. So I'll write no more about it for now. Plus, like I said above, I'm too busy. I'm also heading out of town for most of the weekend and won't have any intertube access. All I have for ya right now is my quickuie 1000-word essay on islam:

Do the Hopey-Dopey

They put Zelaya in, they take Zelaya out,
Wet their finger in the wind then they wag it all about...
Wanna punch a Hopey Dopey, and then turn this thing around?
That's what it's all about!!

In Afghanistan we'll win, the troops will do without...

Ahh, there are way too many verses to that stupid song. Barry will find a way to rewrite every line of that song with his international wishy-washyness. Even "The Smartest Woman in the World^tm" Hillary Clinton blew it yesterday when she said Israel would have its capitol in East Jerusalem*. I know it was a slip-up, but I'm sure the Palestinians are now wondering what happened to all that hopenchange. Not that I care what the Palestinians think. But it is amazing how this administration has managed to PO enemies and allies alike. I'm reminded of a Bible verse:

Look now, you are depending on Egypt, that splintered reed of a staff, which pierces a man's hand and wounds him if he leans on it! Such is Pharaoh king of Egypt to all who depend on him.
2 Kings 18:20-22

Relying on Barry for anything will just get ya hurt. Just ask Zelaya, Corzine, the Poles and Czechs, our troops in Afghanistan, etc, etc, etc....
-------------------------------
*East Jerusalem is the disputed part of the city claimed by the Arabs but (rightfully) held now by Israel.

Stress!!

Stress! It's what's for lunch! I had some really deep thoughts regarding the elections last night, but I was really tired. I am also prone to procrastination. So I figured I'd sleep on it and post them between jobs today at work. Unfortunately, my main money maker (no, I'm not talking about my fabulous body) crapped out and left me scrambling. Y-Axis is having intermittent failures, and the motor is somehow getting a trickle of current even when the power supply is off. Can you spell S-H-O-R-T??

Anyway, there were three big elections last night. One violent stomping, one pretty solid win, and one disappointing loss. Even the loss was barely a loss in that there were really 3 possible outcomes: a conservative win, a democrat win, or a McNasty liberal RINO win. We got the dem, which I consider the middle choice. Easier to unseat a dem next year in the general than a RINO in the primaries. So we got 2 out of 3. Or even 2.5 out of three. But I don't think anybody ever wrote a song about two-and-a-half out of three. We'll settle for just 2:

Meat Loaf. It's what's for dinner.

Biden dumber than thought

Vice President Joe Biden today baffled scientists by shattering the theoretical limits of stupidity. Prior to today's events, it had been believed that this much dumb would not fit within the confines of a normal (?) human cranium. Having teased researchers for years with near-record levels of dumbassery, Joe's attack on Sarah Palin proves that the standard mathematical model - which has been used to predict democrat lunacy for decades - is hopelessly flawed.

"Our model for Joe had predicted a gradual tapering off of stupidity" said the lead researcher. "Picture the graph of a critically-damped oscillator. That's what was expected. Instead we got an inverted hockey-stick of stupidity which plunged rapidly toward negative infinity. Thankfully, we were able to disconnect our equipment before it was damaged" he continued. Then, realizing his commentary would go over the head of many, he said "Think of it like this: Harry Reid with that petition against Limbaugh. Obama tangling with Fox News. Whacking a hornet's nest with a yardstick. Pimp-slapping Darth Vader. That's the magnitude of doofus were describing here."

Great weekend so far!

Just before bed last night, I read that Gavin Newsom is pulling out of the govnah race in Kalifornia. That brought a little bit of joy. I'm not in Cal, but I'm right next door and the junk down there seems to be contagious, and it is good to know that Gavin's strain of stupidity won't be a statewide pandemic.

Then when I got home from work this morning and fired up the 'puter, well, what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a liberal RINO thrown out on her ear! OK, Dede didn't get thrown out, she suspended her campaign. But try to think of something that rhymes with "suspended her campaign." Yeah. Anyway, things are going darned well so far this weekend. As long as I don't get trick-or-treaters dressed up as Obama, it'll go down in history as a Very Happy Day.

Deer season is winding down around here, but thankfully people are still filling their RINO tags in upstate NY!

Feel free to jack this pic if you like it.

Must be barry patient in Afghanistan

White House Media Room. Obama in press conference.

[random reporter] "Mr. President, we're very glad you're here instead of Gibbs. Is there any explanation for this?"

[Obama] "Gibbs is out back licking his wounds after scrapping with Fox News. Plus, I haven't been on TV for almost 6 hours. I was just kind of jonesing for some camera time."

[Angrier Mitchell, NBC News] "Mr. President, the economy..."

[Obama, interrupting] "Let me be clear, I inherited a horrible economy from Bu..."

[WH Aide taps Obama on shoulder, whispers in president's ear]

[Obama, quietly to aide] "Whaa?"

[Aide nods confidently]

[Obama, continuing] "The economy grew last quarter at a surprising clip. This success is all mine. MINE, I TELL YOU!"

[Angrier Mitchell] "But isn't the growth mainly attributable to the cash-for-clunkers, which ended up actually costing about $24k per car?"

[Obama] "The average sale price of a new car nowadays is about $27k, so we actually saved about $3k per car! Don't you see? Do I need to get out a chalkboard and do the math right here and now? Cash for Clunkers has been a raging success! This is the kind of central planning expertise we will triumphantly employ in bring down healthcare costs. Next question."

[Helen Thomas, NYT] "Mr. President, are you going to send more troops to Afghanistan, as requested by your hand-picked general?"

[Obama] "Can't I just finish my falafel? I mean waffle? Why is everybody so hung up on this, when we have important things like cap-n-trade to debate? Bush took years to screw up the situation, it may take years for me to figure out what I'll do, or not do, about it."

[Major Garrett, Fox] "Sir, you didn't really answer the question. Are you or aren't you?"

[Obama, trying to sound like Lionel Ritchie] "Once.... Twice.... Three tiiiiimes, a maybe." [All-Czar Team dances in background]

[Jake Tapper, ABC] "Mr. President, I think I speak for most of the press corps when I say that we're growing weary of your attempts to be 'cool' all while doing a whole lot of nothing."

[Chrissy Mathews, MSNBC] "Speak for yourself, Jake! I think this is wonderful! I think I'll do a whole show about it!"

[Obama] "Thank you, Chris. It's good to see that at least one voice remains that hasn't been muzzled by the vast right-wing conspiracy. Would you like to spend the weekend in the Lincoln Bedroom?"

[Mathew's leg starts tingling, then violently flopping like a flounder on the deck of a fishing boat]

[Obama] "I'll take that as a 'yes.' Rahm will be in touch to work out the details."

[Katie Couric, CBS] "Sir, Speaker Pelosi has announced the final version of the House healthcare reform bill, which comes in at just under 2000 pages. Are we actually getting close to passing a bill?"

[Obama] "Katie, is that you? I didn't know you still had a job! I'm really glad you're still here! As for passing a bill, that depends. Just like we're waiting for the Afghani election results before we commit more troops, we're looking at the Governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey as well as the special election in NY-23 before we decide how hard to push. You have to know when to walk away, and know when to run. [glances at watch] "Crap! I'm late for my tee time, gotta go!"

NY-23, DeDe Scuzzyfavabean, etc...

I may be the last blogger on earth to get around to talking about the New York special election for House district 23. I'm kind of like the guy that walks the marathon - I may be last, but at least I try hard and I eventually get to the finish line. Also, I'm not from New York. I've never even been to New York, and I'm going to try like heck to keep it that way. This isn't a national election, but the entire nation and the higher-ups in the RNC are paying close attention. So for the rest of this post, when I say "we" I mean conservatives who are PO'd at the Republican Party - in New York and elsewhere.

Anyway, this election brings to mind a whole array of topics worth discussing. In no particular order:

• First, some background. Back around 1990 or so, I worked at an auto parts store. There was one regular customer who had a giant mole on his neck. It was about the size of a grape cut in half, with about a half dozen LONG black hairs growing out of it. "Ah needah the frontah breakah pad fo '86 Mitsubishi" he'd say in a thick Asian accent, while twirling his molehairs between his fingers! It was extremely disgusting.


• Well, Scuzzyfavabean is equally disgusting. She has been endorsed by ACORN, NARAL and Planned Parenthood. She recently won the bleepin' Margaret Sanger Award from Planned Parenthood! In other words, she's into corruption and cutting up babies. She's also pro-Card Check, which means she's into union thuggery. Daily Kos even likes her! About the only thing vaguely conservative about her is she's pro-gun. So am I. But so is Hezbollah, so YMMV. And she's about as telegenic as a baboon's bottom. Normally I'd try to be a little more civil in my treatments of a so-called Republican, but she is contemptible. No apologies forthcoming.


• The pragmatists say we should support her, because she'd be better than the dem. While that is debatable, let's concede that for now instead of dithering on that point. Let's say she is slightly better and somehow wins. Then what? The only way to beat her would be through the primary process. Hard to unseat an incumbent in the primaries. So if she wins, we're going to have a liberal quasirepublican in the seat for a long time. Ugh. If we were one seat away from the majority and therefore one seat away from kicking Nancy to the curb, I may feel differently. But straining to install a liberal R instead of a liberal D when the liberal Ds will still have a huge majority is asinine. There is no reason to sell out our principles so egregiously for so little gain.


• In fact, this is the PERFECT race to try to run an independent conservative. If he wins, great! We'll have another conservative in the House, and the RNC gets a serious wake-up call. (which they'll probably ignore 'cuz they suck). If the dem wins, but Hoffman makes it interesting, that will also be cold water in the RNC's face, and may embolden more conservatives to Go Rogue against the feckless beltway nosepickers running the GOP. Then just try again in 2010. The only thing that could go wrong would be for Scuzzyfavabean to actually win. That's worst-case, because the idiots at the RNC would then conclude that horrendous Scuzzyfavabean type candidates are the winning formula. If that happens, I'll recuse myself to my Undisclosed Location to await the End of Days.


• Newt Gingrich (not from New York) endorses Scuzzyfavabean. When Palin, Pawlenty and many others (not from New York) endorse Hoffman, Newt tells them to quit meddling in local elections. Pot-Kettle-Shut-Yer-Flappin'-Lips, Newt. The reports I'm hearing lately are that Hoffman has all the momentum and Skuzzyfavabean is losing steam. Heh. I can't wait to see Newt try to explain his way out of that one. I'm thinking it will be as humorous as Brownback switching his vote on amnesty once he saw that it was bound to lose. Newt, go write a book about stargazing or insect life of the African savannah. Or even just go sit on the couch again with Nancy. Do whatever you want, just please stop endorsing ugly liberal idiots.


• I don't have a problem with 3rd parties. Or 4th or 5th. Rush said today that this isn't even a 3rd party issue in NY-23. The present 2-party system is FUBAR, with two bloated, unresponsive parties. It needs to be shaken up. I'd like to see some other viable parties on both the left and the right. That would mean Congresscritters would spend more time worrying about maintaining their fragile coalitions and less time writing stupid laws. Imagine the trillions we could save.
  


• The lefties are all happy about this situation in NY. They think it is win-win. If Hoffman loses, they'll claim it is a repudiation of conservatism. If Hoffman wins, they will claim it is proof the the GOP is slave to the conservative (racist old white guys^tm) wing of the party. Meh. Don't know what to think here. I guess I'll just let them be happy for a while. Because after 2010, they won't be doing much smiling for a long, long time.

The barry high priority of golf

[Biden] "G'morning, sir! How's your game doing lately?"

[Obama] "Wretchedly awful. I just missed a two foot putt."

[Biden] "I do that all the time."

[Obama] "I know. But after the embarrassment of that first-pitch mom-jean thing, I am bound and determined to outdo Bush at something athletic. My best chance seems to be at golf. But my short game is killing me. All those extra strokes on my putts really add up."

[Biden, manic laughter, gasping for breath between guffaws] "Ha!... Strokes!... Putz!... Hehee! No wonder you spend so much time out here on the green!"

[Obama, overly upset] "Joe! Da**it, Joe! Shut up!"

[Biden] "G-haahaahaaa!" [bent over laughing uproariously]

[Obama] "JOE! I said PUTTS! With one of my patented whistling esses at the end of the word! I did not say putz!"

[Biden, still convulsively laughing] "Ahh, haa, m' m' my side! It's splitting! Haaahaaahee!"

[Obama, infuriated, whacks Joe in head with putter. Joe is knocked cold out.]

[Obama] "Oh my gosh, what have I done? I just struck down my best foreign policy advisor!! How will I ever figure out what to do in Iran, Afghanistan, West Korea?" [shakes Joe gently] "Joe, wake up! You're OK! Wake up!" [Biden remains unresponsive]

[Obama makes call on cellphone]

[911 dispatch] "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

[Obama] "Vice President Biden just hit himself in the head with a golf club."

[911] "Again?? He should wear a helmet or something."

[Obama] "This time is worse than the others. He is unconscionable."

[911] "Do you mean unconscious?"

[Obama] "Yeah, that too. And he won't wake up. Please hurry."

[911] "I have rescue en route. They will arrive momentarily."

The ambulance arrives, and EMTs load the veep on a stretcher and whisk him away...

Later, Obama visits the hospital...

[Obama] "So how bad is he?"

[Doctor] "There are a number of problems he faces. First, let's talk about the damage to the hippocampus."

[Obama holds up one finger in the "gimme one sec" gesture, retrieves phone and calls Rahm] "Rahm, find out where Meghan McCain went to college. There's been some kind of disaster there. Declare it a disaster area and release billions in stimulus money to fix it up, K? Thanks." [to doctor] "There. That ought to put your worries about the hippo's campus to rest. You really should be more concerned with Joe right now, doc."

[Doctor, incredulous] "Alllrighty then. There's a part of the human mind that is crucial to forming memories and maintaining one's balance and sense of navigation. In Joe, that part has suffered considerable damage. He'll pull through, but we don't yet know how severe the effects may be."

[Obama] "How would this damage affect his life?"

[Doctor] "He may become clumsy and forgetful. He may say things that don't make much sense."

[Obama] "Sounds pretty normal, to me."

[Doctor] "Actually, yes - I suppose so."

[Obama] "Doctor! You're a miracle worker! You've saved Joe and I still have time to work on my backswing!"

Swine Flu Emergency?

M'kay... Barry's gone and dropped the Big One. I guess now that people are pooh-poohing the climate change crap, he needs a fresh crisis to keep everybody off-balance. I'm already looking forward to the big prime-time speech where he boasts of "600,000 good flu outcomes saved or created by my admistration's policies."

On a barely-related note, I've been itching to shift gears and write something really dark and moody. Not even sure yet what form it would take, but I'm thinking some kind of a barackalyptic distopian thing. You know, like George Orwell would've written right after he'd just watched Red Dawn. That is, if he were an overworked no-name blogger of limited talent instead of, well, Orwell. Anybody interested in that kind of thing?

Halloween plans?

OK, I think Halloween is kinda stupid. I don't really participate. I'm not all holier-that-thou-it's-of-the-devil against it. I just think it is kinda silly. Plus, I live in a town full of college kids whose raucous parties scare trick-or-treaters into staying home. There also aren't even that many kids anyway, 'cuz the town is full of liberals who'd rather drive their Subarus down to the river and paddle their organic kayaks around than stay home and make babies.

In past years, I'd buy one bag of candy but then only get about 3 trick-or-treaters, and end up with the rest of the bag to fatten myself up on. As I'm getting older, I'm trying to avoid doing that. So in recent years, I've just gone to Taco Bell and grabbed a few extra hot sauce packets. I'm smooth about it, so the little kids don't know any better - as long as I throw something in their treatbag they go away happy. Probably spittin' mad when they get home and take inventory, but, hey, they got a free hot sauce so shut up about it already.

This year may be different. I think I'll dress up as Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck is scary. Glenn Beck is on FOX News fer cryin' out loud! Nothing strikes fear into the tiny, whithered heart of a progressive libtard like someone from Fox showing up on their doorstep. You know it is true, just ask Barry!

I have questions

The other day I joked here about Biden trying to hulahoop. I double-pinky-promise that I posted that BEFORE I saw this pic on Drudge. I did NOT steal the idea. But, hey, now that we're talking about Michelle and hulahoops instead of Biden, I have some questions:

Does she own one single belt that doesn't make her look like she's on her way to open casting for a role in Gladiator II?

Why does she wear these belts just below her armpits? Seeing her belts brings to mind stuff like this.

Having hips that span multiple zipcodes - is that an advantage in hulahooping?

How can this be turned into a criticism of Fox News and/or President Bush? Ah, nevermind I'll leave that one to Gibbs. He'll find a way.

Pucker Factor: To Infinity and Beyond!!