Birth of a meme

You, privileged read of this blog, have the potential to shape history.  We, the children of the Cowbell Age, approach a fateful turning of the page where the Cowbell ceases to be.  Do not be alarmed.  Embrace the new.  Savor the Change.  March boldly towards that glorious horizon.  Yes, I speak of a new internet meme.

 

http://feedyouradhd.com/needs-more/

It is our solemn duty to see this come to fruition.  This meme must not languish in the cradle.  It must grow to to its utmost potential.  Use it.  Say it. Spread it. Be it. Live it.

Who is with me?!?

I are motivation speaker

There's a big company.  You've heard of them.  I'm not going to name them 'cuz I don't want to embarrass a customer who is in the process of laying down a healthy stack of cash for my services.  Anonymous Big Corporation just placed an order for 50 acrylic awards that they want by the 17th.  They want their logo and mission statement lasered onto each acrylic, and their statement reads:

We are a self-directed culture that

creates and maintains safety as its

top priority and continuously challenges

our diversity culminating in long-term value.

This is about the most hurlworthy thing I've ever had to engrave.  If they'd just have included the word "leverage" in there it would at least have the notoriety of being the most useless and clichéd series of words ever strung together, but right now it just plain sucks.  Sheesh, even Robert Gibbs sounds (marginally) less stupid when he's trying to dance around a question from Jake Tapper.  Who the heck is going to be stirred by such words?  Who, after reading this, will want to charge into the corporate battlefield and claim the skulls of the enemy?  Can anybody read that without needing an imodium immediately afterwards?

Dang, just keying in the word of that statement seems to have cost me some testosterone. Whoever came up with this statement needs to be beaten with a broomstick and denied his juicebox.  After they've paid for the awards.

Dem girlymen find something they can lift

After a long and embarrassing display of weakness, Congressional democrats have finally found something they can lift.  Unable to lift a finger to help the economy, unable to raise a hand against terrorists, unable to lift America's image abroad, dem leaders found that their meager metrosexual musculature was just barely sufficient to lift the debt ceiling by $1.8 trillion, paving the way for even more reckless spending.

The spindly and skeletal Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said "We're getting weaker each day.  We figured we better do it now, before next year's campaign season, by which time I fear we'll be too weak to even lift our own sorry electoral chances."

Resist!

I AM JACKSON OF EPA.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOUR LIFE AS IT HAS BEEN, IS OVER.  FROM THIS TIME FORWARD, YOU WILL SERVE THE STATE.  YOU WILL BE REGULATED.

WE CONTROL YOUR THERMOSTATS.  WE CONTROL YOUR SMARTMETERS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE REGULATED.  

San Fran under water?

You may have seen Gov Schwarzenegger's announcement that globull warming would lead to increases in sea level which would leave San Francisco under water.  OK, I'm going to need some convincing that this is somehow a bad thing.  The Giants are my fave MLB team, so I'd prefer that 'frisco be swamped while my Giants are out on a road trip.  But otherwise, is there really a downside?

Actually SF is a very scenic city.  If it weren't for all the moonbats, hippies, homeless, militant homos and assorted Pelosis, it would be quite nice.  So, what if we decide that we want SF back once all the hippies and moonbats have been washed to sea?  (Probably the first time they've washed in a long while, but I digress...)  'Cuz that's good real estate once you give it the colonic it so desperately needs.  The answer is so simple, so straightforward, so, so trivial, even.

Yes, I'm talking about our long-lost friend, Nuclear Winter.  We haven't heard much about nuclear winter lately.  When I was a teenager the slobbering leftards were wetting themselves over Global Thermonuclear War (shall.we.play.a.game?) instead of Global Warming.  They were convinced that President Reagan would go cowboy and light up the Evil Empire.  "No Nukes!  Even if we live through the weapons exchange, we'll all end up freeeeeeeeeezing to death.  Reagan wants us all to die!"  Go to the used record store and look up the lyrics from any of those femmy, nasally, wave-o band from the '80s.  They were all sniveling about getting nuked and/or freezing.  It was everywhere.  Waaaaah.  Then suddenly the whole issue pretty much went away.  Kinda like Iraq - outrageous outrage to mute silence as though some invisible switch had been flipped. Now I just savor the irony of how their first whiny global hysteria will be the solution for their second.

Ya see, once we're confident that the waves of saltwater have washed all the patchouli smell and sidewalk vomit away and it is time to take our city back, just pull the trigger!  By my calculations, if we lob a few megatons at Damascus, Tripoli and Tehran, the resulting debris field will reduce the global mean temperature to pre-industrial levels, bringing the sea level down with it.  If we decide that SF should have a little more beachline, then all we have to do is pop Pyongyang, too.  See, the possibilities are almost endless!

Mother Nature or Mommie Dearest?

Seems like mom's been using the wire hangers on global warming's pimply white rump.  Snow in Houston!  25^o last night here, and they're talking lows down around 15^o by Sunday night!  Fifteen bleeping degrees!  Yeah, I'm sure some of my southern readers are like "that's what y'all git for livin' up there by Canada!"  But my part of Oregon is only about 200' elevation, and the weather coming in from the Pacific is almost always "warm" so temps in the teens are VERY unusual.  We get into the teens maybe once every five years or so.  And never in the first week of December!

With the ClimateGate scandal becoming better known, we're seeing a lot more info coming out refuting AGW.  Lots of sites are all over it, but Ace (if you don't mind salty language) has a lot in the main column and also in the right-side headlines.  Lots of people are calling baloney.  I know there are some bitter clinger contrarians who will say "Well, a few of your little anecdotes don't negate the, um, 'fact', that the earth is warming."  To which I respond "No, but a mountainous mountain of anecdotal evidence plus willful mishandling of climate data equals shut yer flapping lips, you lying hippie!"  Only the profoundly stupid still buy this nonsense.  If you still believe in AGW, for your own safety you should limit yourself to cheap plastic cutlery at dinnertime.  You're not smart enough to safely handle a real butter knife.

It is unraveling so fast that the big climate pow-wow in Copenhagen may end up a disappointment.  Even Fat Al says he's a 'no.'  The prostitutes (the literal whores, not the metaphoric political whores) are offering their services for free!  Normally, globalist do-gooders at a convention and prostitution go together like peanut butter and jelly.  If the scandi slutbags are offering it up for free, with "The Final Countdown" playing live in the background and you still can't attract a decent number of totalitarians with nice sunglasses to your event, well, that pretty much spells the end of your little crusade.  Save yourself further embarrassment by just knocking it off, OK?

Friday Sickblogging

Now well into my 6th day of feeling like [bad word].  Really hinders my enthusiasm for coming up with entertaining content, as you can no doubt tell.  I ain't had much the last few days.  Thankfully Amusing Bunni forwarded me some more Tiger Woods jokes.  (Blogging is actually pretty easy when other people do it for ya)  Hopefully the humor muse will drop by during my lunchbreak and I can scrawl together a post.  In the meantime, laugh at the expense of Tiger:

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly...put me down for a 5."

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to ask her how to beat Tiger.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards..

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Why did Tiger Woods crash into a fire hydrant and then a tree? He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin an endorsement contract for her own set of drivers; to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Hello, Mr. Woods. This is the On Star operator. We have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window. We've called Nike. A new club is on its way.

Who among us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest golf club we can find??!!

Tiger's new movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Poor choice; he should have gone with the driver.

Tiger is a cheeta!

Seemed like a great idea a few days ago.

January 2010 cover of Golf Digest

Found on Instapundit.  Click to go over to radaronline and see a bigger version.

If a pic is worth a thousand words, this particular pic has got to be worth a thousand jokes.  I haven't thought of any yet.  At least none that are family-friendly.






UPDATE:  Amusing Bunni dropped some heehees in the comments of the other thread.  I think these deserve some front-page treatment.  Here goes -

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Caddilac?
Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Why didnt Tiger climb the tree instead of running into it.

Of course, he blamed it on a problem with his Escalade. Typical.....whenever a golfer hits a tree, he blames it on his Caddie

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common? Both were clubbed by a Norwegian.

Why was Tiger in such a hurry at 2:30?
He was late getting to the next hole.

The Tiger Woods Made for TV Scandal

Reports are coming in and so far it is sounding like Tiger Woods is more a Mr. Putz than Mr. Putts.  While the recent events in his life prompt me to write this, let's instead put him aside for now and take a wider look at fame, fortune and power:  When one looks across the landscape of the people who have become very successful in their careers (as the world counts "success") we see a troubling number who are total failures at other, more fundamental levels of life.  We ask ourselves how people could allow their lives to get so messed up.  Then the wiser among us pause to take an inventory of our own lives. 
.
.
.
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My beat up old car, modest home, relative anonymity, discount-store blue jeans and MARRIAGE THAT WORKS is looking pretty good right now.

Understanding the Hockey Stick Effect

Here is a helpful chart that illustrates the dangers of positive-feedback systems.  As you can clearly see, it doesn't take much government funding, public accolades, or very many Nobel Prizes for the system to to suddenly deviate drastically from the norm.  It will require a dedicated global effort to reverse this problem, and we are quickly running out of time to do so.  Failure is not acceptable, for human life (at least in decent countries) would be forced to behave in ways radically different from the lifestyles we presently enjoy. In fact, many will not even survive if we fail to take action immediately.  This menace must be halted!

That just ain't right

Dunno how many of ya visit Moonbattery.  I think they're pretty good and I go there at least once per day.  But they have revolving ads along the right side of their screen that I haven't figured out how to AdBlock yet.  Sometimes the ads just don't really jibe.  What I saw there today and screencapped is a perfect example.  There is something very, very wrong with the composition of this ad!

Grrr! Say it right, moron!

AM reception is awful at work today, so I'm listening to the oldies on FM.  They just played that Steely Dan song which has a line "I crossed my old man back in Ore-uh-GONE" repeated over and over.

Blood boiling.  Must simmer down.

OK.

People, pay attention.  If you say "Ore-uh-GONE" you are a dolt.  Real Oregonians blow right past that middle syllable like a drunk ignoring a stop sign.  Occasionally we slow down enough that it kind of counts as a diphthong, but just barely.  Most of us say it in such a way that it sounds just like "organ".  As in "if you say it like ore-uh-Gone, you'll soon be an organ donor!"

There is a lot to like about Organ, especially the western half or so.  Within about an hour's drive I can be at the coast, the ski slopes, or cool places to hike and plink.  Come on by and visit.  But if you say "ore-uh-Gone" in my presence, I'll reach right into the river, pull out a steelhead with my bare hands, and smack you with it. 

The Man(?) behind the UN IPCC

The claim:  This fellow is a Nobel Peace Prize recipient and in charge of the UN Global Warming committee. 

Actually, that's pretty believable.  But I think it is more believable that this is actually Gene Simmons after he fell asleep in the tanning booth.  Or a guy wanting a cameo in a Geico caveman ad.  I've seen that suit before, too - the props guy from Miami Vice wants it back, pronto.  Then again, maybe he's Gimli the Dwarf out of those LotR movies.  Dunno.  What I do know, is that while crazy hair worked on Einstein, buddy, this asymmetical 2-tone combover thing is way, way bad.  Get thee to a sheepshearer apace!

Suddenly the missing climate data makes sense, too - I think our perp here rolled a really giant J with the papers and started blazing.  Seriously, look at those eyes and try to convince me that he's not responsible for a whole lot of  bongbowl warming. 

Oh, what?  I'm childish for making petty remarks about his appearance?  Well, neener-neener to you.  The guy is full of crap from stem to stern.  How many people have starved or died from lack of medicine because precious resources have been diverted to combat a non-existent climate problem?  How many hospitals or water treatment plants could have been built with the billions of bucks whizzed down the drain of AGW?  The sickening part of the whole AGW movement isn't just that it'll cripple economies to the supposed benefit of the developing world.  The worse part of it is the the developing world is run by thugs who seize everything for themselves.  Whatever wealth gets "redistributed" to these poor nations won't help one bit with the problems facing the ordinary people living there.  It'll just get their dictators a few new palaces.  Spit.

Barry questionable answers

[Jeopardy! music plays]

[Announcer] "Here's Alex Trebec!"

[Alex] "Welcome to a very special Celebrity Jeopardy!  Let's meet today's contestants, and find out which charity they are playing for."

[Obama] "Hi.  I'm, uh, the President of the US.  I'm playing for ACORN, since their funding has really gotten hammered lately.  Hopefully I can help them out."

[Jessica Simpson] "Hi, I'm Jessica.  I can't remember the name of the foundation I'm playing for, but they help models and actresses afford lots of new shoes.  It's a very good cause."

[Wolf Blitzer] "Hi, I'm Wolf.  I'd just like to thank the Jeopardy! studios for allowing me a second shot at this.  When I was last here, I had taken far above the recommended dosage of cough syrup and it really hurt my play.  I hope to do better this time, and I'm playing for the National Association of Self-Loathing Jews Who Can't Score with Women."

[Alex] "Very well.  Let's reveal today's categories:  The Rennaisance, Me First - where the correct response will begin with the letters "emm eee", US Constitution, Catch Some Zzzs, Famous Texans, and finally Rivers of the World.  Mr. President, select first."

[Obama] "Oooh!  Me First for $200, Alex!"

[Alex] "This cloven-hoofed ruler of the Underworld..."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!"

[Alex] "Sorry, that's incorrect.  We're looking for a question that starts with M E.  Anyone?"

[Wolf] "Who is Medusa?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect, but you're on the right track. Jessica?"

[Jessica] "As if!"

[Alex] "Mr. President, select again."

[Obama] "Oooh! Oooh!  ME First for $400, Alex"

[Alex] "This geological era forms the bridge between the Cenozoic and the Paleozoic."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!?"

[Alex] "Incorrect.  Anyone else?" [silence] "We were looking for 'mesozoic.'  Mr. President, you don't seem to understand the way the questions in this category work.  Each correct..."

[Obama, angrily interrupting] "Listen, Alex, I know what "ME FIRST!" means.  This is just a bunch of racist junk to make me look bad."

[Alex] "Sir, I assure you that is not the case.  When, and I do say 'when' not 'if' one of the white contestants says anything as absurd, I'll give them appropriate scorn as well.  Select again."

[Obama] "Famous Texans for $200"

[Alex] "This legendary quarterback traded his blue & gold collegiate colors for the lone star of Dallas"

[Obama] "Who is Tony Romo?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Sorry, that is not correct.  Romo wore blue and gray in college."

[Jessica] "Yeah, he's not really legendary.  More of a choke artist if you ask me."

[Wolf] "Who is Troy Aikman?"

[Alex] "Correct!  Also acceptable would be Roger Staubach."

[Obama, really upset] "Hey judge!" [trying to sound like Heath Ledger] "Why so tighta[bleep]?  I bet when you fart it sounds like a dog whistle!"

[Alex] "Sir, this is family programming.  Please don't make us bleep you out."

[Obama] "Really?  You're fu[bleep]ing my bleedin' a[bleep]s  with a cactus!  That's what I think!" [Yells into crowd] "Hey, Rahm!  Find out who this judge guy is and give him the full Joe-the-Plumber treatment.  I want you to totally Roto-Rooter him!"

[Alex, unsettled] "Wolf, please select a category."

[Wolf] "Catch some Zzz's for $200, Alex"

[Alex] "This semi-autonomous region of East Africa is noted for its spices and its involvement in the shortest war ever, lasting only 38 minutes."

[Obama] "What is Zambia?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect."

[Obama] "Hey, I know what I'm talking about, here!  I know all about east Africa!  Zambia is right next door to Kenya where I was bor... Ah, scratch that.  Nevermind."

[Wolf] "What is Zaire?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect.  Jessica?"

[Jessica] "What is Zanzibar?"

[Alex] "Correct!  I must ask, how did you know that?"

[Jessica] "I just got this really cool lipstick in the color of Zanzibar Red.  I didn't know what Zanzibar was, so I google'd it.  Just yesterday, in fact.  Yay!"

[Alex] "Jessica, select a category"

[Jessica] "I'll take The Rennyscience for $200"

[Alex] "I'm pretty sure I know what you meant, so here's the answer: This artist spent years on his back painting the Sistine Chapel."

[Obama] "Who is Maya Angelou?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Close enough."

[Obama] "What's the matter, judge?  Check didn't clear?  Thank you very little!"

[Intolerably long scene of dumb answer after dumb answer deleted for your sanity......]

[Alex] "Mr. President, you have shattered the previous record for greatest deficit in one game, $336,000.  Normally we'd allow you $1000 to compete in Fnal Jeopardy, but we just can't afford to give you any more money."

[Omama pouts]

[Alex] "Wolf, you, too are in the hole by quite a bit.  I think we should just skip Final Jeopardy and declare Jessica Simpson our new champion, with a grand total of $200.

Innomipoint contest, 11-30-09

I turned on blogger's "new post editor" so let's see if it barfs...

Original post w/ rules

Question #1:  '80s hair-metal music is

1. All-around vomit-inducing garbage that should never be played again.
2. There were a few good bands, but most stank like a warm day at the landfill.
3. Most of the music was good, with a few posers here and there.
4. Dude!  The '80s rule!  Dis on the hair bands at your peril!

Question #2:  What is the most asked-for thing on kid's letters to Santa this year?

1. A job for daddy
2. A new video game console
3. A pony
4. A do-over on the 2008 elections.
   

Question #3:  Barney Frank, Chris Mathews, Al Gore and the ghost of Ted Kennedy are eating lunch at O'Bama's Olde Time Irish Bar and Grill.   Sarah Palin, Fred Thompson, Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney enter and wait to be seated.  What happens next?