If Bill was the "First Black President"

What "first" would (gawd forbid) President Hillary be?

3rd Party Thoughts (4th? 5th?)

As folks continue to marvel at Ron Paul's fundraising ability and fervent backers, it looks more and more like he'll take an independent run at the White House once the primaries are finished. Frankly, I wouldn't blame him. Clearly his message resonates with significant numbers of people, and even I think about half his platform is dead-on. I'm way to jingo to go for his non-interventionism, and he strays too close to Trutherism for me to jump on his wagon. A few years ago when George Bush the Elder was pushing the "New World Order", or later when Clinton and Reno were terrorizing people in Texas and Idaho, I'd have been "all in" for Paul. But nowadays the terror is coming from overseas, so I just can't buy into his platform.

But anyway, let's say he runs. He could pull significant numbers away from both major parties - mostly from the extreme wings. I'm not saying he'll pull winning numbers, but Perot-sized numbers could happen. Besides, he's likely to have millions in unclean "fiat money" left over from his primary campaign. What better to do with all that cash than to just keep on campaigning?

Bloomberg is being coy, but he has two of the main ingredients needed to run - a big ego and a big bank account. He is also schizo and can't decide which party (if any) he aligns with; he's practically an independent already. Most of the top-tier candidates from both major parties have significant drawbacks already associated with them and appear quite defeatable, so this election cycle could be unique. Add to it that the sitting Republican president is unpopular, and the Democrat led Congress' favorability numbers are worse still. If one would ever want to take a run as an independent, the time to do it would be now - when both the major parties have poor leadership and lots of flaws that could be pointed at.

What about Al Gore? Grew a beard and became invisible after losing in 2000. (A tad bit insecure, methinks). He loves commendations and accolades, though, (a common trait among the insecure) so he revved up his environmental issues engine to get back in the news. Nobody was talking about his book any more, so An Inconvenient Truth became the vehicle. He was actually riding quite a wave there for a while, but then his big concert shin-dig failed to excite. The whole global warming fiasco began to be seen for what it is. But then that silly Nobel committee had to put him right back in the spotlight. In regards to being influential, he's past his peak. He knows it, too. Yet many of the ecofreaks still swoon over him, and all that positive reinforcement could lead him to make another presidential bid - to cement his legacy as something other than "that guy that 'invented the internet' and lost to Bush."

Here's how it might play out, as I try to imagine the little voice inside the head of each of these men.

Ron Paul: "I still have a lot of fiat money left, and the internet polls show that have a chance, so I might as well keep running. Even though I won't win, it'll be worthwhile to point at all the junk going on in DC, and set the stage for a renewed appreciation for the Constitution in the future."

Bloomberg: "Ron Paul isn't getting huge numbers, but what he is getting is coming from the fringes, which makes the political center just that teeny-tiny bit more contested. The Republican and Democrat nominees are weak. I can brag on my changing of parties to show how centrist I am, how I can be the "uniter" and cross the aisle to get things done, and pull enough moderates from both these weak major-party candidates to make this work."

Al Gore: "With Ron Paul and Bloomberg in the race siphoning votes from both parties, I could still stand a chance. 30% of the popular vote would probably be enough for anybody to win, and even I could get 30%. I, I, I could be PRESIDENT! People will like me again!"

So, who wins ?

Oh to be a Gulfstream Liberal Redneck!

I'd love to own a Gulfstream and fly around to concerts and act all important like Bono or Al Gore. Actually, I'd love to own a custom Gulfstream with a functional bomb bay. Not that I'd actually bomb people - that's our military's job, and I don't want to hog all their fun. Instead I'd install a HD super-zoom handycam under the plane and go "sightseeing."
First off, I'd fill some water balloons with pig whizz. Then I'd google map the headquarters for CAIR. Are you beginning to feel my vibe? I'd punch the coordinates of their parking lot into the NAV on my Gulfstream and air-drop the balloons on their Lexuses (what's the plural of Lexus, anyway?) all while filming Ibrahim and his 7 other CAIR members shaking their impotent little fists at my Gulfstream. Ha! I'm laughing already! Speaking of google, maybe I should air-drop something on them, too. I don't trust 'em. Course this silly blog is on a google host, so I better be careful... But really, who needs a slogan like "Don't be evil" except a really evil person? I'm kinda picturing that scene from Backdraft but instead of that firebug freak at his parole hearing, there's a geek in a server farm, fists clenched, rocking back and forth, speaking through pursed lips "Don't be evil! Must resist the voices!" "Burn It!"

Anyway, after that little test flight, I think I'd go to North Korea for some more filming. I'd just fly right up to their little country. When they intercept me with some 50 year old MiGs, I'd be on the radio saying "Hey, comrade dude, like, it's cool, 'cuz we like got like, um, like Sean Penn like on board, dudes." And they'd say "Rearry? You rike have Sean Penn rike on board?" And I'd be like "Yeah, dudes. It's, like, his goal in life to perform fellatio on each member of the Axis of Evil, and it's, like, the Poofy-Haired One's turn to receive" I'd have my ugly friend that kinda looks like Spicoli wave out the window at them, and they'd fly away. So then I'd turn on the camera and swoop into Pyongyang. I'd open the bay doors and drop a box of stale Ritz crakers in the town square. The camera would super-zoom in on the "Desperately-Starving-NoKo-Slam-Dance-Of-Death-To-Get-A-Stale-Ritz-Before-I-Die" melee that would ensue. Glorious Glee! Tell me that wouldn't get 5 stars on YouTube! The angry norks would no doubt send up their 50 year old MiGs again, but I'd just throttle up to about 70% and outrun them.

Where else to explore? I better think of some ideas soon, since I'm only about $30 million short of owning my own Gulfstream. Soon I shall be as cool as Bono! Bwaahaaahaaa!

Frank J. Fan Fiction

I'm a huge fan of IMAO. Frank J. and crew are hilarious. Haven't been there? Go there. Now. OK, you're back. Good. Now that you've seen the right way to pull off successful political satire, here's a totally different way to do it...



In My Dreams - Battle of the Bloggers



"Welcome to Madison Square Garden, everybody. I'm Howard Cosell, and seated with me is Randy 'The Natural' Couture. We're here for an exciting Mixed Martial Arts exhibition match featuring Frank "Nuke the Moon" J. and Markos "Screw Them" Moolicker-Zuniga. The fighters are now headed toward the Octagon.

"Randy, what can you tell us about these two fighters?"

"Not much, Howard - I'm too busy in the gym to follow politics closely. But I can say that personally I'm pretty conservative on most issues, especially when it comes to beating up hippies. When I don't know much about a fighter, I check into who they train with, what camp they're from, ya know. That can say a lot about a fighter's style and tendencies. We can see Frank J. coming down the aisle with his entourage now I can see he's get a lot of good guys in his camp. Looks like Buck the Marine, Teddy Roosevelt, Barry Goldwater, and Attila the Hun. Based on that, I'm expecting to see a very balanced fight - there's no glaring weakness."


"Thanks, Randy. Here comes his opponent, 'Kos' along with his handlers. What do make of his camp?"


"Looks like he's training with Neville Chamberlain, Rosie O'Donnell, Benedict Arnold, Michael Moore and Jimmy 'the Greek' Snyder. Since Kos has some definite physical disadvantages in terms of size and strength, I'd expect him to pace himself, and use a lot of feints and fakes to try to bluff the larger fighter into making a mistake."

"Randy, how does Jimmy 'the Greek' fit into this picture?"

"Well, Howard it probably has something to do with Kos' Greek heritage."

"I guess that makes sense. Do you know what they mean when they say 'doing it greek?' - 'cuz that really had me confused for a minute. I thought maybe..."

"OK, Howard, there may be blood all over the octagon, and some stray teeth knocked into the third row, but this really is a family-friendly event, so let's change the subject."


"We go now to the formal introdu-"


"Wait a sec, Howard. While Frank J. looks warmed up and loose, Kos is looking very tight and uneasy. Correction - he's just flat scared! This could really affect his performance. And now to those introductions"


"In the Blue corner, standing in a puddle of pee and blowing a snot bubble, 'Kos'"

"In the Red corner, Frank J." (cheers, clapping from crowd)

(Referee) OK, you've both received instructions in the dressing rooms.

(Buck the Marine) Hey, Moolicker-Zuniga! I love killin' fo'ners, and your name sure sounds for'n. So don't be doin' any dishonorable fo'ner stuff like flickin' snot at Frank's eyes like that fo'ner did with the sand in that Bloodsport movie!

(Referee) Shake hands and have a good, clean fight.

(Frank J.) Do I have to? These are fingerless gloves! I really'd rather not get his snot under my fingernails!

(Referee) Understood. We'll give you a pass this time. Now, both fighters go back to your corners and wait for the opening bell. Good Luck.

(Frank J., yelling) AFTER TONIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU WERE IN ABU GRAIB! (Kos collapses into fetal position, sobs)

(Franks J.) BUSH USED AREA 51 TECHNOLOGY TO CREATE KATRINA AND KILL MINORITIES! (Kos - jumps up and claps "Yay! he's right,")

(Frank J.) AFTER IRAQ, WE'RE GOING INTO SYRIA, BY WAY OF IRAN! (Kos collapses into fetal position, sobs)

(Frank J.) DEMOCRATS SHOULD SKIP THE WHOLE 'PRIMARY THING' AND JUST NOMINATE WHOMEVER THE dailyKos COMMENTERS THINK WOULD BE BEST. (Kos - jumps up and claps "Yay! he's right," )

(Howard Cosell) Randy, it seems like Frank J. has some very potent Jedi Psychological Warfare skills. He's taken Kos completely out of the fight before it's even started.

(Randy Couture) Yeah, Kos is bouncing up and down like a monkey on a meth binge. He should be saving that energy for after the bell sounds.

(Frank J.) PELOSI AND HARRY REID CAN'T STOP BUSH FROM RULING THE WORLD! BWAAHAAHAAHAA! (Kos collapses into fetal position, sobs)

DING, DING!

(Randy C.)There's the opening bell, but Kos is just laying there, exhausted and bawling like an asthmatic hooker that's just been pepper sprayed. The referee is stopping the bout. Kos failed to answer the opening bell! Frank J. is your winner, at 0:00 of the very first round! Incredible!

(Howard C.) We go now to the ringside interview... Frank J., that was amazing! Was that your strategy all along?"

(Frank J.) No, not at all. I thought he'd come charging out and try to scratch me or something. I spent a lot of time studying video of him, mostly stupid stuff on YouTube, and I thought he'd put up more of a fight. But ya know what? He really isn't scary. I have a pretty big LCD monitor, but even on that he's only about 5" tall in those YouTube vids. He's even less scary in real life - except for the smell and the snot. Originally, I figured I'd just stomp his butt real good, but then I started to feel guilty - it would be kinda like kicking John Edwards in the nozzle, or punching an anorexic hippie chick. It would've been satisfying on a certain level, but my personal code of conduct just won't let me beat on anything that pathetic. After I got a whiff of his BO in the octagon, I knew I didn't want him to come close enough to even touch me, so I went with the PsyOps and it turned out really well.

(Howard C.) Indeed.

Crabby Old Man on footwash basins

What's with all the footbaths being installed around this here U.S.A.? Washing one's feet five times a day is OK, I guess, but I need to tell you something that you maybe didn't know... Rinsing yer feet aint a valid substitute for takin' an actual shower once in a while! A while back ol' Homer said "I'm not really much of a shower guy, I'm more of a cologne guy." Ya see, that's funny, but Homer's a CARfreakinTOON! I don't care how close I sit to the TV, I can't smell him. It's a different story when I'm riding in your cab! I understand water is scarce where most of y'all come from, but here in the Land of the Free, there's enough to wash your whole darn self top-to-bottom-front-to-back.

Soothing words

Yea, though I walk through the valley of liberal corruption, I will fear no progressives: for they are but spineless and shrill; the rednecks with deer rifles, they comfort me.