Thursday, October 29, 2009

Must be barry patient in Afghanistan

White House Media Room. Obama in press conference.

[random reporter] "Mr. President, we're very glad you're here instead of Gibbs. Is there any explanation for this?"

[Obama] "Gibbs is out back licking his wounds after scrapping with Fox News. Plus, I haven't been on TV for almost 6 hours. I was just kind of jonesing for some camera time."

[Angrier Mitchell, NBC News] "Mr. President, the economy..."

[Obama, interrupting] "Let me be clear, I inherited a horrible economy from Bu..."

[WH Aide taps Obama on shoulder, whispers in president's ear]

[Obama, quietly to aide] "Whaa?"

[Aide nods confidently]

[Obama, continuing] "The economy grew last quarter at a surprising clip. This success is all mine. MINE, I TELL YOU!"

[Angrier Mitchell] "But isn't the growth mainly attributable to the cash-for-clunkers, which ended up actually costing about $24k per car?"

[Obama] "The average sale price of a new car nowadays is about $27k, so we actually saved about $3k per car! Don't you see? Do I need to get out a chalkboard and do the math right here and now? Cash for Clunkers has been a raging success! This is the kind of central planning expertise we will triumphantly employ in bring down healthcare costs. Next question."

[Helen Thomas, NYT] "Mr. President, are you going to send more troops to Afghanistan, as requested by your hand-picked general?"

[Obama] "Can't I just finish my falafel? I mean waffle? Why is everybody so hung up on this, when we have important things like cap-n-trade to debate? Bush took years to screw up the situation, it may take years for me to figure out what I'll do, or not do, about it."

[Major Garrett, Fox] "Sir, you didn't really answer the question. Are you or aren't you?"

[Obama, trying to sound like Lionel Ritchie] "Once.... Twice.... Three tiiiiimes, a maybe." [All-Czar Team dances in background]

[Jake Tapper, ABC] "Mr. President, I think I speak for most of the press corps when I say that we're growing weary of your attempts to be 'cool' all while doing a whole lot of nothing."

[Chrissy Mathews, MSNBC] "Speak for yourself, Jake! I think this is wonderful! I think I'll do a whole show about it!"

[Obama] "Thank you, Chris. It's good to see that at least one voice remains that hasn't been muzzled by the vast right-wing conspiracy. Would you like to spend the weekend in the Lincoln Bedroom?"

[Mathew's leg starts tingling, then violently flopping like a flounder on the deck of a fishing boat]

[Obama] "I'll take that as a 'yes.' Rahm will be in touch to work out the details."

[Katie Couric, CBS] "Sir, Speaker Pelosi has announced the final version of the House healthcare reform bill, which comes in at just under 2000 pages. Are we actually getting close to passing a bill?"

[Obama] "Katie, is that you? I didn't know you still had a job! I'm really glad you're still here! As for passing a bill, that depends. Just like we're waiting for the Afghani election results before we commit more troops, we're looking at the Governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey as well as the special election in NY-23 before we decide how hard to push. You have to know when to walk away, and know when to run. [glances at watch] "Crap! I'm late for my tee time, gotta go!"


  1. Good one sir. Obugger sure does have everything under control, doesn't he?

  2. Let's see if we get another 3.5% increase next quarter and if we don't, how much will be the bogeyman Bush's fault

  3. No, I thing the forecasts are still predicting a "blood bath" for the 4th quarter. Then, it'll go back to being Bush's fault.

  4. You paint such a great, clear picture of Chris Mathews, I think I'll be laughing about it all day in the shop. A love the way Capt. ZERO slides around the questions too.

  5. You've got these guys nailed, Inno. Once.... Twice.... Three tiiiiimes, a maybe....hilarious.

  6. I realize it sucks that we have a Duffer-in-Chief for a president.

    But to be honest, I like Obama's steadfast commitment to his golf game. In fact, I think maybe he should just stay out on the links and forget about being the president for a while. Like...say...for the next 3 years.

    He can't do the country any harm chasing his shanked drives out of the sand traps. Keep golfing Barry. The nation is better off with you doing your best Tiger Woods impersonation than with you actually trying to pass legislation and muck up the Constitution.

  7. By the way, I linked to you on my site, Innominatus. Keep up the great work over here, man.


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