Thursday, October 15, 2009

Joe takes a barry short ride

Behind a barn, just outside of Scranton...

[Biden] "OMG! It's a flying saucer! An honest to goodness U-F-friggin'-O! I'm finally going to be famous! I will be the one that goes down in history!"

Joe opens an access panel, revealing some batteries, an old 486 laptop, and a barometer.

[Biden] "This alien technology, is so, is so, alien! I gotta get a closer look! Hey, I think I can fit in there!"

In the distance, David Axelrod notices Biden's actions...

[Axelrod, to himself] "Aw geez, Joe! We don't need any more embarrassments right now!"

[Axelrod, thinking quickly] "What should I do? Should I drag him out of there? Nah, he'll be on TV 5 minutes later talking about being abducted. Should I untie the tether and just let him fly away? That sounds pretty good... It'll definitely distract the media while we go nuclear on the healthcare bill."

Axelrod sneaks up to the weather balloon and unties it from its mooring. The balloon rises a few feet and the wind begins to carry it quickly away.

[Biden] "Gaaaah! They're taking me away!"

[Axelrod, calling CNN on his cell] "Ya there? Hey, I got a hot lead for ya. Biden is trapped in a weather balloon and is drifting towards the controlled airspace of the big airport. I was there I saw the whole thing!"

[CNN] "We're on it!"

Hours go by, nobody seems to notice the plight of the veep.

Unseen by anyone, the plywood structure of the balloon fails while the balloon is about 10' from the ground. Biden falls out, bounces off of a green farm tractor, and lands on a heap of manure. The empty balloon soars skyward...

[Axelrod, calling FOX News on his cell] "Shep, ya there? I got a hot lead for ya. Biden is trapped in a weather balloon and is drifting towards the controlled airspace of the big airport. I was there I saw the whole thing! It's WAY up there now!"

Within moments the world is abuzz at the tragedy unfolding. News helicopters and National Guard helicopters circle overhead. Prayers are offered. Bloggers post. Everybody with a pulse is aware of Biden's misadventure.

Back in DC...

[State Dept. aide] "Madame Secretary, have you heard about the Vice President?"

[Hillary] "Nah, not a thing, lately. What he do now? Get his hand stuck in the vending machine again?"

[Aide] "No, maam! He's trapped in an out-of-control weather balloon! It's horrible! It isn't designed to hold him, and he will probably fall out and get splattered on the hillside!"

[Hillary] "Oh dear!" [Aide exits]

[Hillary to herself] "Finally! All those hours with the voodoo dolls are paying off! One less obstacle between me and the Presidency! Mwaaahaaahaaahaaa!" [kneads hands greedily] "Just have to get rid of Pelosi and That One. Pelosi will be easy. I'll just choke her out with a cankle-lock. Won't even leave a mark, they'll think it was natural causes. Heehee! That One will be trickier... I'll have to do something extra, extra sneakyyyyy."

In the White House media room...

[no-name journalist from some dying newspaper] "Mr. President, what can you tell us about this tragic event that Biden is tangled up in?"

[Obama] "Let me uh, be clear, I uh, don't have all the uh, facts. But I'm sure the weather balloon acted stupidly. But I have an urgent meeting with the Secretary of State. I must go now."

Back in the Oval Office...

[Obama] "Hillary, I wish this meeting was under better circumstances. It doesn't look like Joe is going to make it. I'm really gonna miss his foreign policy expertise. But I've already began the preparations to promote you to Vice President."

[Hillary] "I know. It is terrible. By the way, when I was in Moscow the other day, I told Putin and Medvedev that we cancelled the missile defense."

[Obama] "Duh. I did that weeks ago."

[Hillary] "I told them that we cancelled it because we've been secretly working on Reagan's SDI 'Star Wars' all these years, and it goes online tomorrow. They were really, really angry at you!"

[Obama, clutching chest in pain] "You did what?!?! Oh no, oh no! Here comes the big one! Momma Stanley, I'm gonna see you soon!" [collapses]

[Hillary, calmly stroking the tabletop] "I just looooooove this desk. Soon I will be sitting behind it."

Shep Smith, covering the events...

[Shep] "Breaking news! Going live to our local FOX affiliate..."

[local reporter] "The balloon has landed! It is chaos here. We're not sure what's going on yet. What? But there is nobody inside? Where is Biden? Are we sure he was on board?"

[local sheriff] "We found him! He was in the attic! He's alive!"

[Biden, bruised and disoriented] "It was a do-or-die struggle. The aliens were intent on probing me, but they should have known better than to mess with a guy from Scranton. I punched one of them out. One swing, one K-O'd alien. That's how we do things in Scranton. Then I kicked the other one in the groin, but he didn't budge. Must be some weird alien anatomy thing that saved him, 'cuz normally, when a guy from Scranton kicks ya in the chiclets, ya go down. Hard. Not this guy, though. We struggled for what seemed like hours. Just when he knew he was beat, he used a tractor beam to, like, transport me out of his mothership. Think it was a John Deere tractor beam. Next thing I know, I'm in this attic. They tried to erase my memory of the whole event, but I was too strong for them."

[reporter] "He's alive! They're taking him to the hospital for observation, but he appears otherwise as normal as ever!"

[Shep] "That's great news! We now go back to our regularly scheduled annoying of the President."


  1. A thing of beauty.

    Can you imagine how much fun we'd be having daily if Biden were president? Hmmm...maybe I should call Hillary about her plans for That One.

    BTW: I grew up an hour north of Scranton. Biden and The Office certainly do that town justice.

  2. A "cankle lock" ... Where do you get this stuff ?

    Thanks for the good laugh !

  3. woohoo!..Have a super weekend my friend!!:)

  4. I think the epilogue would be with Biden sitting on Pelosi's lap saying that "we did it for the show..." then being shushed summarily by the wide-eyed wonder.

  5. That was good man! Biden as the POTUS would be every comedian's dream. He abuses himself with every public appearance.

    Now, Hillary has it made in that scenario. She just waits until ObamaCare kicks in, and has EZKILL Emanuel declare Biden not worthy of life (permanent mental disability and all). Biden then takes the pain pill, and viola!

  6. Funny Stuff! where the heck has joe been lately...he's worse than cheney in the secret bunker. I am worried about him. Maybe he's been abducted by one of those illegal aliens that the libs are so mad about. At least they have a green card, unlike obummer.


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