Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Kinetic Military Action Figures

Dear Mattel,

My name is innominatus and I grew up with Mattel products.  I enjoyed them through my entire youth.  Well, except when my mom would redden my butt with a piece of your orange Hot WheelsTM track.  That stuff stings like the dickens but I'm sure you already know that.

Anyway, now that war is a thing of the past, little boys and Rachel Maddow will need new action figures to play with.  Below is a rough conceptual drawing of my idea.

These are kinetic military action figures - the toy of the future.  From left to right:
  • Nurse Wretched Pelosi.  Rank: Major.  She has a red cross emblazoned on the front of her uniform so people know she's a nurse and not a demon.  Her specialty is ramming healthcare down the throats of wounded kinetic military action figures.  The oversize sunglasses are removable but it is recommended they be left in place as they hide most of the stretchmarks on her face.
  • Sheriff Joe Biden.  He is actually a PFC but prefers to be called 'Sheriff.'  His gun is loaded with blanks but he doesn't care because he looks cool with it.
  • Sawgeant Bawney.  Shown reclining on optional knapsack.  Does his best work when operating in the rear echelon.
  • Odmiral Obama.  Commander of the kinetic military action figures.  This figure is double jointed so he can bend in any direction and assume any posture or position at any time.
  • Not shown:  Corporal Huckabee.  Looks, acts and sounds just like Gomer Pyle.
My proposal is to license these figures to Mattel in exchange for half the profits derived from selling them.  I strongly recommend that you accept these terms.  If you refuse, I will sic my team of shyster lawyers on you, to sue you for the pain and suffering my mom applied to my bratty azz with your Hot WheelsTM track.


  1. Up until now, I thought that no one else on Earth had been beaten bloody with Hot Wheel track. I felt so very alone. I am totally relieved now. Thank you much.

  2. Sawgeant Bawney. Shown reclining on optional knapsack. Does his best work when operating in the rear echelon.

    Ummm... speaking of shyster lawyers... I'm thinkin' I deserve a cut of the royalties since you modeled the good sarjint on another sarjint we both know (and love, in my case). So, a word to the wise. Just sayin'.

  3. Paul - My mom wielded that track like bleeping Samurai!

    Buck - If I do manage to earn a profit from this, I'll definitely share.

  4. Those represent the Forces of EVIL.

    Now you have to come up with the good guys... or just run with the stock GI Joe action figures.

  5. May you make millions from your evil ideas. More power to the kinetic military figures!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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