Monday, August 3, 2009

Misadventures of spider man

Weird things going on around the house... Spiders everywhere! As a kid we called them Crab Spiders, but snoopin' around on Wikipedia, I think they're actually Garden Spiders. They make the neat round orb weaver webs and hang out in the middle until a dumb fly or dumb human becomes ensnarled in it. These are the spiders we used to catch when we were little and put them in a jar with a Black Widow. The Crab Spider always won. In short order, the widow would be doing the curled-up-legs-I'm-dead pose at the bottom of the jar. That was cool.

But now they're all over the place. They seem to have a fondness for the front porch - seems like every morning I end up walking through a web. Nasty. This morning as I was heading out for my early job at 4:15, there was even one in my car. It was still dark, and I sat right in the web and the spider crawled on my neck before I figured out what was going on. I'm not phobic or anything - I actually like to see them and their webs. When they're OUTSIDE and NOT IN MY WAY!!

Two nights in a row I've had some cracked-out spider dreams. In the first one, I dreamt that my wife and I were in a nice hotel room, but it was still under construction with some pipes laying on the floor. There were about a half dozen tarantulas in the room. I was trying to stomp on them but they were really quick and could avoid me. I was thinking I needed some rattlesnake gaiters so I wouldn't be bit on the leg. Then I found a can of Wasp & Hornet spray and went to town. It wasn't scary and there was no adrenalin dump that accompanies a nightmare. Just weird. Then last night I dreamt that the doorknob to our front door was really big and hollowed out like a funnel, and there were a bunch of big ugly spiders living in the hollow area. In the dream my wife was afraid to come near the door, while I just kind of poked at them with a straightened-out wire coathanger. Then I woke up. Again, not scary just bizarre.

I know from reading the comments here, I attract some very intelligent and perceptive readers. Somebody, please tell me what it all means!


  1. It means spiders are gross and evil. I HATE spider dreams. The only good spiders in my dreamworld are the little fuzzy looking ones that are like wolf spiders but they really aren't. In my dreams those are golden and friendly. All other spindly-legged ones—especially the black-widow looking ones—are evil incarnate and must be destroyed. Spider dreams stress me right the hell out. BLEAH!!!!

  2. Yeah, Red, we get some of those little ones around here. They're about as big as my pinkie nail w/ short legs and kind of fuzzy. I'd almost go so far as to call them cute. They jump backwards if you move your finger near them. Those little guys aren't so bad.

  3. It means Obama's minions are leaving spiders at your house each night to drive you crazy.

    I have something similar building a web in the bed of my pickup each night. Last night I brought the kids out to watch.

    Inside, we've all kinds of spiders, but this is the South, so you're expected to get along. With cockroaches, too. I make a sweep through the basement every week or so and squish what I can...simply because the damned spiders DON'T catch and kill the roaches (neither does the exterminator).

    But snakes?

    Snakes get the 9mm, or the AK, whichever's closest. Someday I'll tell you about the recurring dream I had as a kid of stepping on a rattlesnake, and then having my nextdoor neighbor almost do so in real life.

    Snakes trump spiders. Always.

  4. it means that you've been seeing lots of spiders lately and that you and your wife should wait a while to take that vacation. OR it means that something in you're life is holding you back or bringing you down like a spiderweb and your wife has nothing to do with it. [/BS] :P

  5. Labcat - thanks for the well-reasoned response. But I think I'll still blame my wife!

  6. My dear friend Innominatus; blaming your wife only works if she doesn't read your blog. Well, her or someone who knows her and likes her better.

    Spiders are soulless automatons that do their thing regardless of what you think, want or do. Just look into any one of their cold, vacant eyes and see eternity stretching in both directions staring back. My middle daughter thinks she can hear them hiss at her, but they really don't. They just don't care at all, one way or the other. Like a yellow-dog Democrat, I guess.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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