Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Barry Extreme Makeover: White House Edition

[Bus rolling through the hills of Virgina, headed towards DC]

[Ty Pennington] "OK, Design Team. We have a really big project in front of us. Take a look at this tape, and you'll see what I'm talking about."

[Ty, presses button on remote, image appears onscreen]

[Onscreen image] "Hi, ABC! I'm Barack. I'm the dad. I think I'm 48, but I'm not sure because there's controversy regarding my birth certificate... Hi, I'm Michelle, the mom. Hi, I'm Sasha. Hi, I'm Malia. And we're the Obama Family!"

[Paige, to nobody in particular] "Wow, those kids are really cute."

[Onscreen image] "We had really big plans when we came to DC. We were going to renovate everything. We were going to bring hope and change and redistribution. But things haven't completely gone the way we planned. The economy keeps getting worse, the commoners are staging protests all over the place, and people are starting to put up scary posters of me. Ty, ABC and the crew of Extreme Makeover, I implore you: Please come to DC and help us finish these renovations. We're in deep trouble here, and we don't know what else to do!"

[Ty, presses button and display goes dark] "So you can see why we're here."

[Preston] "It's just heartbreaking."

[Paulie, wiping tear from eye] "I, I, can't believe how hard it would be to have to live like that. We have to do something!"

[Ty] "Eggggzzzactly! Are you with me? Can we do this?"

[Team puts hands together] "LET'S DO IT!!!!!"

[Bus approaches White House. Ty and Design Team disembark and sneak towards front door.]

[Ty, through megaphone] "Gooooood Morning Obama family! Barry, Michelle, Malia, Sasha! Wake up and come outside!"

[Obamas, emotional, come running out. Hugs exchanged.]

[Ty] "So, you've really been on a roller-coaster the last few months."

[Obama] "Yeah. We came in with huge popularity and a tidal wave of a mandate. Senator McCain, who was disliked by much of his own party, was my opponent. I had huge advantages in fundraising, media coverage, and overall coolness. I also had ACORN. With these things on my sides, I was able to beat that Maverick guy by about 52/48."

[Ty] "Alright. I have some good news. We're going to help with these renovations."

[MichelleO] "Thank you!"

[Ty] "And there's more good news. While we're working, you're going on VAY-CAY-TION!"

[SashaO] "Yay!"

[Ty] "Yes, we're sending you to a really big farm up in Martha's Vineyard!"

[MaliaO] "Mom! I don't want to go to a farm!"

[MichelleO] "Why not, baby? I think a farm would be fun. Like working in our garden, only bigger and better!"

[MaliaO] "But mom, that's just carrots and stuff. I can deal with that. But I don't want to be around a bunch of smelly animals and smelly manure and roosters coming home to roost that wake me up too early. Barack-a-doodle-do!"

[MichelleO] "But baby, the garden is full of manure, too. Clinton manure. So stop fussing about the farm. C'mon, it'll be fun! Maybe they'll let you shear a sheep or something!"

[Malia, crosses arms and sighs indignantly]

[Ty] "OK, Obama family, let's get packing! We need to send you off on your vacation right away. We have a LOT of work ahead of us, so time is of the essence!"

The next day...

[Ty running around with camcorder, sending vid to Obama's laptop] "Hello Obama family! Hope your vacation is going well. Today is my favorite day. Demolition day! Are you ready for some demo?"

[Obama and family point at laptop screen and laugh politely]

[Ty] "We're gonna need a lot of help. Here comes our help right now!"

[All 435 congressmen and all 100 senators come marching up with blue shirts and hardhats]

[Ty] "And here they go!" [flailing around with camcorder] "Look! There's Senator Dodd! He's beating the housing market with a sledgehammer. Wow! And Senator Schumer" [Ty ducks to avoid flying debris] "is jackhammering the 2nd Amendment. This is crazy!"

[Obamas continue to watch vid, giggling and pointing at screen]

[Ty] "Whoa! Senator Boxer is out here burning the 1st Amendment with a plasma cutter! She says that townhall protesters are just a bunch of fakers!" [Ty jumps out of the way of capitalism as it comes crashing down] "Phew! That was close!"

[Ty] "Congressman Fwank! What are you doing!?!? This is a family show! The sledgehammer is for demo, not..."

[Ty steps aside as a big excavator drives up. The big machine begins tearing into the Constitution like a hungry hyena]

[Ty] "There you have it, Obama family! Now, we only have seven days to stuff all these unread bills through congress, so wish us luck! We're gonna need it!"

[Obamas wave goodbye to the image on the laptop] "Bye, Ty!"

[Ty] "OK, Pelosi, Reid, Hoyer and the rest of you guys. We have a lot of work to do." [through megaphone] "Let's get started!"

[Democrat leadership] "Umm, Ty? We don't really know how to build anything. We're a lot better at tearing things down. Besides, this is our August recess. We're outta here!"


  1. OMG, this is so funny! I am sitting in Kroger, scamming their FREE wifi, and stifling laffs and chortles and snorks till the two old ladies are forced to frown at me.

    I can just hear this stuff as a radio skit! You should copyright it all immediately, so you don't end up like Bo Diddly, Meatloaf and MC Hammer.

    You're cracking me up, brother Innominatus. If you run, I'll vote for YOU...

  2. hilarious! good stuffs. that show usually makes me cry. i have a feeling this edition would make me hurl.

  3. Excellent stuff....and right on the money.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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