Monday, August 31, 2009

Barry big NASCAR fan

[Obama] "Rahm, I'm willing to be a one-termer to pass universal health care. But I'm not that willing, ya know? We need to pass this thing, and I need to rebuild my appeal. I need those white people in Iowa and West Carolina that voted for me to vote for me again."

[Rahm] "Sire, I've booked an interview with Jimmie Johnson. He's very popular with the racists in flyover land."

[Obama] "Great! When is it?"

[Rahm] "In about 30 seconds. That's why I came to get you!"

President Obama heads outside to find 2008 NASCAR Sprint Cup Champion Jimmie Johnson standing alongside his gleaming race car being photographed.

[Obama] "Uhh, Mr. Johnson, it's um, nice to meet you. The Cowboys just haven't been the same without you at the helm. What's with the Indy car?"

[Johnson, both awestruck at meeting the President, and dumbstruck by the President's dumbness] "Mr. President, I, uh, you're thinkin' of that other guy - the one with the perfect hair. I race in the NASCAR Sprint Cup series. And, um, Indy cars are the ones that don't have fenders and are driven by women and guys with for'ner name like Mario."

[Obama, hopelessly confused] "Ah, I see. Tell me about your car."

[Johnson] "This is the NASCAR Car of Tomorrow that I drove to the championship last year."

[Obama, getting more confused] "If it is tomorrow's car, and you drove it last year, and right now is 'today' then this must be like the DeLorean in that movie. I thought that was all just Hollywood. Wow."

[Johnson, chuckling, thinking Obama is trying to be funny] "No, sir. The Car of Tomorrow is a piece of crap that nobody likes driving."

[Obama] "But you, like, won with a crappy car?"

[Johnson] "It's crappy 'cuz now all the cars are the same. Everybody pretty much has the same car but with different graphics and stripes and stuff. The cars are so identical that it really comes down to luck. It was better when the best drivers and the best teams could excel on their own."

[Obama] "Hey, I'm starting to like the sound of this. They put in rules to even the playing field? This is cool! I don't like all the competition. I like when everybody does about the same whether they're any good or not. Why do you like the competition so much?"

[Johnson] "Don't you just love it when you're in the gym and you dunk over that other guy? Don't you love that feeling?"

[Obama] "Sadly, my rhetoric soars much higher than my leaps. I can't dunk. My vert is about as high as an IHOP short stack."

[Johnson] "OK, ok. How about when you do a wicked crossover and drive right past him?"

[Obama] "Umm, no. Every time I try that the ball hits my foot and rolls out-of-bounds."

[Johnson] "Alright. I think I get it. You're one of the guys that sucks so you want to bring everybody down to your level."

[Obama] "Pretty much. But enough about all that. How fast can your car go?"

[Johnson] "We're not really sure. On the tracks where we should be able to go really fast, they make us use these stupid restrictor lates that really cut down our horsepower. They say it's for safety or something, but I think they just like us all to go the same speed in one big crowd where nobody can really pull out to a big lead."

[Obama] "Dang! I think I have a new favorite sport! That's what I want to do with cap-and-trade! We're so far out in front of the other countries that it isn't really fair. I want to correct that inequality. And I say it's for the good of the environment, kind of like how NASCAR says the plates are for safety."

[Johnson] "Yeah, they say they want to save the drivers from danger, except the safety is worse 'cuz now we're always in one big pack so when there's a wreck it involves a lot more cars."

[Obama] "Cool. My plan isn't about saving the planet, either. That's just how I sell it. But when I wreck the economy, it'll involve a lot of cars, too! And some factories! Probably restaurants, even! I can't believe how much we have in common!"

[Johnson, stifling his disgust] "This fire suit is REALLY uncomfortable. I gotta go." [leaves hastily]

Later that day at a staff meeting...

[Rahm] "Sire, in light of the recent political setbacks, we think we should make an effort to redefine the issues. A rebranding, so to speak."

[Obama] "Agreed. What ideas have you come up with so far?"

[Rahm, holding up stuffed toy] "We have to remove people's fears of socialized medicine. Behold, Teddy, the TeddyCare Teddy Bear! For the sake of realism, he smells vaguely of alcohol. He is our new mascot and will be shown to every public school student in a movie series. They can then influence their parents, as we've done with the polar bears of hyped-up imaginary global warming."

[Obama] "I like it. But try this one on: Care of Tomorrow!" [elbows in air, manic grin, making exaggerated gestures of steering a race car] "It'll sell well in flyover land." [Turns head as if watching a car speed by] "Vrrroooooom"

[Rahm] "Sire! This is genius!"

[Obama, excitedly] "We're gonna put restrictor plates on healthcare expenses!!!"

[Rahm] "OMG, this is soooo going to work!"

[Obama, caught in the moment] "Yeah! And we'll have TV ads. We'll have a bunch of NASCAR cars decorated with my face and my big O campaign logo and the words 'Care of Tomorrow' on the car where the sponsor stickers usually go! Yes! And you know that low-angle camera shot where a pack of cars speeds by real close and all you hear is 'v-v-v-vvr-vrooom'? We'll dub that over so it sounds like 'f-f-f-frr-freeee!!!!' "

[Rahm] "The beerbellied nosepickers with the trucker hats and bad farmer tans and the Earnhardt stickers on their pickups will swallow it whole! We'll socialize healthcare AND add to our congressional majorities! Yes We Can! Yes We Can!"


  1. ROFL! that analogy is perfect. hilarious. west carolina ha!

  2. Damn! That's good. I ought to have my wife read this. She's a NASCAR fan.

    BTW, restrictor plates are likely needed. I remember hearing about them testing the old car at Talladega without one. The car went over 230, and could have gone faster, but the driver was afraid to push it. It just goes beyond the design limitations of the car. With the new car, it would have crashed and burned.

  3. As a Beerbellied Nosepicker ... I loved it!

  4. "Restrictor plates on health care."

    Nicely done, my friend.

  5. As much as I like this, I am afraid one of the trolls will turn you in to the "dissent czar", the administration folk will read it, and try to implement it!

    It's genius! Except they won't see the satire.

    West Carolina, *snork*! So funny!


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