Friday, August 14, 2009

Lord of the Lies, Finale

Confronted by the Empress of the Ringwraiths, our foursome of warriors steel themselves for the Mother of all Battles...

[Cheygolas] "Wow! Besides being merely ugly, you are slick and greasy, too. If I had added a provision for drilling your cavernous pores for oil to my secret energy proposal, it would have earned a lot more support! Drill here, Drill Now!" [Blasts Witchqueen of Botoxia twice in the face with his bird gun][Bam! Bam!]

[Witchqueen, unharmed] "Ha! No weapon wielded by man can affect me!" [Hoyerwraith and Reidwraith join her in laughter]

[Unspoken "oh S***!" from the patriot heroes]

[Sarahwyn] "Well, in that case..." [removes helmet]

[Witchqueen] "GAAAAAAAAAH!"

[Sarahwyn] "What? What's with the 'GAAAA?' Oh, no! I have Helmet Hair, don't I? Dang it, I knew this was going to happen!"

[Witchqueen, trembling] "Uh, no. Actually your hair is quite nice. It's just that..."

[Reidwraith] "It's just that you're a FEMALE. A charismatic, empowered female! This, uh, like, uh, totally subverts our paradigm!"

[Sarahwyn] "OK then." [Draws custom filet knife w/ scrimshaw grip made from narwhal tusk] "First, I'm gonna filet the size of government. Then I'm gonna filet your corruption. Then I'm gonna give you a much-needed facelift!" [Strides purposefully towards wraiths, blade glimmering in the afternoon sun]

[Witchqueen] "August recess is over! Everyone back to Mordor!" [Throws Prius in reverse and floors it]

The marauding hordes of dorcs and internet trolls flee for the safety of Mordor... The four enter Gondor and assess the damage...

[Strider] "We've held, for now. The damage is extensive but repairable."

[Jimdli] "What about the One Ring? Any word from Voto?"

[Strider] "No. Until the Ring is destroyed, we will be forever in peril."

[Cheygolas] "Then we must help Voto!"

[Strider] "Yes. We must bring the fight to the (town)halls of the enemy!"

They regroup and rearm, and march on the gates of Mordor. Upon reaching the gate, an eyeless creature with a big mouth leans over the wall.

[Mouth of Sauros] "You are all racists! You want people to die without medical coverage! You wear swastikas! You hate, you hate, you hate!"

[Cheygolas] "He may not have eyes, but I must confess that his suit is nicely tailored and his pink silk necktie is perfectly symmetrical."

[Strider] "Look closer. He has eyes. They're just so beady and rat-like that they're hard to discern at this distance."

[Cheygolas] "Gotcha."

The iron gates of Mordor creak and begin to open. The armies of Gondor draw their weapons. But nobody comes out the gate. Instead, a platoon of talking plants, some even pretending to be doctors, sneaks past the armies and into the gate which closes hastily behind them...

[Strider] "Hey! What gives? Come on out and fight!"

[Mouth of Sauros] "No, hater! Only a select few are allowed into these meetings!"

The stalemate goes on for several hours. Then a great gathering of almost invisible people begins to arrive, led by Limdalf. The tide of battle is turning...

[Jimdli] "Look! Limdalf has stirred the complacent ones to action! They were unseen and irrelevant, but look at them now! They are flexing their muscles!"

Bolstered by the new arrivals, the armies of Gondor begin to pound the gate. It finally gives and collapses in a rusty heap, and the forces of good pour in. Battle ensues. The once invisible ones deflect enemy strikes using their cleverly worded signs as shields. ACORcs and SEIUnicorns try to fight back, but they are outnumbered. The polls are against them!


While all this has gone on, Voto and Sam have grievously wounded the treacherous Hillum. Weary of her lies, they left her to rot in Foggy Bottom and felt no shame in doing so. Having reached the Beltway of Doom, Voto extracts the Ring from his pocket and cocks his arm to fling it into the sewer.

[Ring, subliminally] "Don't do it! Wear me! I will help you elect moderate republicans!"

[Voto] "Hey, why waste the Ring? Why don't we use it to elect some republicans?"

[Sam] "No! Most of them are little better than the demoncrats! Destroy the Ring once and for all!"

[Voto] "No! I want to give the republicans one more chance!" [puts on Ring] "Look! It is already working!"

The Eye of Sauros flares with rage. Emmessem talking heads try to downplay what's happening.

[Hillum, from ambush, with arm in sling from broken elbow] "If I can't have the Ring, nobody can!" [Jumps on Voto and tries to wrestle the Ring away] "I'll give out stupid Reset Buttons. I'll say stupid stuff in Africa about our elections. I'll be a totally stupid snag to an innocent to a kid in the Congo! I'll do anything to have that Ring!"

Hillum manages to wrest the Ring from Voto. Before should can put it on, though, she loses her footing and falls into the street. Cars crash and swerve to avoid her, but after all the chaos she finds herself hopelessly trapped under a bus. The Rings gets away from her and rolls down a storm drain. The Ring is lost forever!!!

I know, lame ending. Call John Edwards and sue me or something.

1 comment:

  1. The quest is complete!

    or IS it?

    good job; and Sarawyn with helmet hair still beats any of the hags that show for the other side!


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