Saturday, August 8, 2009

Lord of the Lies, part 1 of...

At the secretive elven fortress of Rivendell, the various races of Middle Class gather to discuss the rising tempest that threatens their very existence...

[Voto Baggins, the voter] "Gee, I sure wish Elron Reagan were still here."

[Rush Limdalf, the gray wizard] "Alas, he has saddled up and ridden away to Uttermost West. We are on our own."

[Boremir McCain, the human] "Yes, I remember it well. I was a footsoldier in the Reagan Revolution, when Elron and his allies smote the dark forces and snatched the Ring of Electoral Power away from the enemy."

[Limdalf] "But the enemy was not fully vanquished. He remains a disembodied force of evil. If he were to reclaim the Ring, our way of life would be ended. Even today, he amasses an army of dorcs, ogres and internet trolls. Soon they will march. The Ring must be destroyed! It must not fall into the hands of the enemy!"

[Boremir] "What if we use the Ring against them? I, a man of stout heart and courage, could wield the power of the Ring wisely. I could fight pork bills and grant amnesties!"

[Limdalf] "No. The power of the Ring is too seductive. None who wear it can resist its urges. Soon you would be reduced to a power-hungry incumbent like the Ringwraiths."

[collective gasp of horror]

[Bobby Jimdli, the dwarf] "I shall destroy it!" [forcefully brings down ax upon ring, ring is unscathed]

[Limdalf] "The Ring is forged of ancient things. It can only be destroyed in the furnace it was forged in: The Beltway of Doom!"

[collective gasp of horror]

[Voto Baggins] "Whatever shall we do?"

[Dick Cheygolas, the elf] "We shall gather ourselves an army of our own, and march on the Beltway. We will see the blight of the Ring removed from Middle Class once and for all!"

[Limdalf] "No. The all-seeing Eye of Sauros would see you coming. We will succeed with only a small band of brave patriots. Who volunteers to bear the Ring?"


[Voto, sadly] "I shall bear the Ring"

[Jimdli] "But he's just an ordinary voter! He can't bear the burden the Ring would place on him!"

[Sam, another voter] "Where Voto goes, I go!"

[Cheygolas] "You have my bow! And my double-barreled quail gun!"

[Attendees cringe slightly at mention of quail gun]

[Jimdli] "You have my ax!"

[Boremir] "You have my sword!"

[Strider Norris, the Texas Ranger] "You have my blade and my dazzling array of roundhouse kicks!"

[Limdalf] "You have my staff!"

[Merry, another voter] "I am named for Christmas, not that PC 'happy holidays' hogwash. I shall go , too! You have my vote and my campaign contributions!"

[Pimpin, another voter] "Yo, yo! You gots Pimpin's beats!" [begins to breakdance]

[Limdalf] "Pimpin, you are not worthy. Leave. Now. I don't care what Michael Steele said."

[Voto] "Then let us be off!"

[Limdalf] "Wait! The Fellowship is not complete! We need a replacement for Pimpin!"

[Craned necks, looks about the room. No replacement is to be found. Disappointment.]

[clop, clop of hoofbeats]

[Sarahwyn arrives and dismounts from her horse] "I know you weren't expecting me until later in the story. But being the Princess of Rohan was getting us nowhere. It is so distant. I resigned so I could be freed to fight bigger battles. Besides, Wormtongue lost his job. I feel quite vindicated!"

[Limdalf] "The Fellowship is complete! Let us journey to the Beltway!"


A day's ride to the east, the Fellowship is atop a small rise in the midst of high mountains. A huge flock of birds soars overhead...

[Strider] "Hide! It is the eyes of the enemy!"

[Fellowship scrambles to hide under rocks and in crevices]

[Cheygolas] "Hey, birds!"

[Voto] "Cheygolas, no! They'll snitch our position to!"

[Cheygolas] "I said hey birds! I got your stimulus right here!" [Flips The Bird gesture to the birds]

[Limdalf] "We're safe. They didn't see us."


The group decamps and continues the journey. Crossing an icy and treacherous mountain pass, the mountain rumbles and an avalance assaults the party...

[Limdalf] "Run! This is the work of Sarubama, the half-white wizard!"

[Voto] "But the MSM said Sarubama is a good guy! Why would he do this to us?"

[Limdalf] "He has been seduced by the schemes of Sauros! Run! Run for the Mines!"

Reaching the Mines of Moroyourmoney safely, the party is confronted by an enigmatic door inscribed with ancient runes.

[Sarahwyn] "Oh, not this again!" [Draws custom AR-15 chambering .50 Beowulf] [Blows door to smithereens]

[Jimdli, wincing, rubbing fingertips in ear] "Wow, that was kind of loud! But enter, for here you will be treated to some real southern hospitality. It will be such a joy to see my ancestors again!"

Entering the cavern, the Fellowship see that the once-grand southern architecture has fallen into ruin and disrepair...

[Limdalf] "The demoncrats have been here. Nothing but waste and ruin left in their wake. We must not tarry!"

Reaching an alcove, a sort of monument is found. Among the old dry bones and rubble an old book is found. Limdalf dusts it off and begins reading...

[Limdalf] "We are trapped here. The demoncrats have us outnumbered and have superior fundraising. The demoncrat leaders, Blanco and Nagin, have destroyed almost everything. Here we make our last stand."

[Jimdli, begins to choke up]

[Limdalf, continuing from the book] "But the demoncrats were too greedy. They dug up Moroyourmoney too fast and too deep. They unearthed that fell creature of legend, the Taxrog! Before the mighty Taxrog, even the dorcs are afraid!"

Suddenly our intrepid adventurers are ambushed by dorcs and a particularly foul ogre... A violent melee ensues... Dorcs fall to the left and to the right. Blasts of .50 Beowulf and quail shot dismember the enemy forces. But more dorcs pour in... The battle is grim...

[Voto] "Strider!" [Voto hews down a dorc with his short sword, which is glowing in the presence of liberals] "Strider, doesn't that ogre kind of remind you of a certain obese documentary filmmaker?"

[Strider] "Yes, he does. And I know how to deal with movie bad guys!" [Strider kicks the ogre in the gut. The ogre coughs out a whole bucket of hot wings and a couple apple fritters]

[Voto, between sword strikes] "Strider, keep it up! He's getting weaker!"

Strider continues his onslaught of kicks and spinning backfists. Eventually all the (turkey) stuffing is beaten out of the ogre and the odious beast collapses. The dorcs begin to flee...

[Voto] "We've won!"

[Limdalf] "No! The dorcs flee, but not from our punishment." [Cups hand to ear] "Oh, no! It's the Taxrog! Run! Dash to the bridge that Reaches Across the Aisle! Cross it to the right and don't look back!"

The band of brave patriots reaches the bridge, the Taxrog hot on their heels. The Taxrog is gaining on them as they near the other side. Limdalf makes a valiant stand against the ravenous monster...

[Limdalf] "Fell creature, I command you!" [Strike staff on bridge. Blue/white arcs of AM-frequency lightning surround him] "This far, and NO FARTHER!" [Bridge collapses, Taxrog plummets into the abyss]

In an act of desperation, the Taxrog Indiana Joneses Limdalf's leg with his fiery whip and whisks Limdalf into the darkness below....

[Fellowship, screaming] "LIMDALLLLLLLLLLLF!"

should I continue?


  1. OMG, you MUST continue the quest, at least till you get bored with it!

    yes, J.R.R.R.R. Innominatus

  2. yep, after reading it yet again, this is genius. pure genius.

  3. woohoo good job!.HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND HUN!:)

  4. OK, workin' on part two. Maybe get it posted this evening...

  5. I'm so sorry I showed up to the party late, but this is brilliantly done.



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