Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Be afraid. Be barry afraid.


In a fortified bunker far beneath the White House, the pResident and his allies are hunkered down in the darkness.  A palpable fear permeates the air.   Stifled sobs can be heard.  Occasionally one of the group dares to flip open their phone to illuminate their surroundings, before unimaginable fear forces both their phones and their eyelids tightly closed.

[Pelosi, lighting her face with her phone - that in itself a scary sight] "How long do you think we can hold out?"

[Rahm Emanuel] "I don't know.  Those doors are pretty thick, but those creatures are just relentless."

Footsteps can be heard in the hallway...  The door creaks slightly open...  The fearful democrats tense up... A strange "p-shhhhhh" noise...  Rahm nearly smothers Pelosi trying to mute her crying...

[Rahm, whispering] "Nan, shut up!  It'll hear us!"

The lights come on.  Vice President Biden swings open the door, a just-opened can of Coke** is in his hand. Senator Reid, his withered body awash in adrenaline, leaps up and turns off the light.  He quietly closes the door.

[Obama] "Da** it, Joe!  You scared the crap out of us!"

[Biden] "Oh no, did we lose another one?  All I did was walk down the hall to the pop machine.  What did I miss?"

[Obama] "Patches Kennedy, and then Evan Bayh.  They got him, too."

[Biden, in shock] "Whoa...  I come down here late at night to use the secure computers to look at smut.  They're way faster than the one in my office."

[Obama] "Well, this secret room is our last chance.  Our allies are dropping like flies.  We're holed up in here and trying to ride it out.  But don't turn on the computers or do anything to attract attention.  Nobody is safe.  That unseen force is turning people into crazy sign-waving Tea Party Animals and causing prominent democrats to lose all hope."

[Biden] "Is it really that bad?"

[Reid] "You have no idea...  My seat is lost.  Many others.  Even Boxer in California is in danger."

[Biden] "Wow.  It is even worse than the MSM portrays it."

[Reid] "Yes.  We're just about completely screwed.  All we can do is hide and hope the tidal wave of this unseen force somehow misses us."

[Biden] "That isn't much of a strategy.  We should stand and fight."

[Obama] "Every time we show our faces, it only gets worse.  No.  Fighting is not the answer."

[Biden, the enormity of their danger finally settling in on him, stuttering] "N-N-Nancy, I-I-I'm ssscared.  Please don't light up your face with your B-B-Blackberry screen ag-g-gain.  I can't take it!"

[Reid] "I think I speak for all of us when I agree with Joe.  It makes your wrinkles look like the Grand Canyon of Doom."

[Pelosi] "FINE!  It's not like you're much to write home about, either, Harry.  Because you couldn't run your Senate is why we're in this trouble to begin with."

[Obama] "Stop it!  This infighting is exactly what the unseen force wants from us.  Remember, it is always Bush's fault.  I think it is time for the Litany Against Fear."

All assembled begin to quietly chant "I shall not fear.  It is all Bush's fault... I shall not fear.  It is all Bush's fault..."

[Pelosi] "It's not working!  I'm still scared!" 

Silence befalls the group.  What seems like hours go by without a word. 

[Obama, trying to muster some leadership] "We're going to be OK.  Listen! It is going to be OK.  I'll go out there.  I'll go back into campaign mode."

[Emanuel, whispered to Reid] "He's so brave.  But he's so toast.  All we can hope for is that he'll draw enough fire so the rest of us can survive."

**The Coke machine down the hall comes from something I saw at Basil's Blog


  1. OMG
    this is a really really really really archive-worthy post. No time to really write what I want, suffice to say it is great!

  2. Sadly, this is probably very close to what is happening in the underground bunker at the White House. I fully expect pResident Barry to implement the nuclear option. Literally.

  3. aA - Thanks. Unfortunately Blogger thinks all my crap is archive-worthy.

    Infidel - on us or Iran? Duh. Stupid question. Nevermind.

  4. I love it when Zero goes on the campaign trail; more zeros follow in his wake, for his side, that is.

  5. Jeepers Innodude!

    I always postulated talking to myself was the best way to get my point across.

    Yet after listening to these folks jabbering to themselves, I'm done with that mode of self adulation.

    Would not wantta be like them.

    Concrete is cheap right about now. A pouring over the doors of the bunker sounds a whole lot more patriotic to me than letting Obama commode the democrat's campaigns.

    But then again, concrete work is alot of effort, so maybe let the deconstructionist bury them with his muddied up lack of workmanship?


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