Saturday, February 20, 2010

Barry sneaky, barry bipartisan

pResident Obama emerges from the East Wing master bathroom with a relaxed smile on his face.  A girly magazine is rolled in his hand.

[MichelleO] "Barry, what takes you so long in the bathroom?  I gotta... Hey!  What's that in your hand? You've been..."

[Obama, inturrupting] "Uhh..."

[MichelleO] "I know what you've been up to, barry hussein soetero! That's sick!"

[Obama] "uhh..." [mind racing, to himself] "Dang, there's never a telepromter around when I REALLY need one" [aloud] "Oh, this?" [holds up magazine] "See how old it is?  I think Boooosh left it in there.  Let me be clear, I was..."

[hesitates] [to himself] "she ain't buying it.  I'm dead."

[Obama, aloud] "I mean, you know how I hate it when the little cardboard tube inside the roll of TP gets knocked out-of-round?  When I pull some TP off, instead of it going smoothly, it goes like ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh."

[MichelleO] "Whaddya mean ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh?  How many squares are you using?  It's not like that stuff just grows on trees!"

[Obama] "Aw, I was just exaggerating for effect. You know full well, that as a leader in the green movement, I only use one square at a time.  Anyway, I tried to squeeze the roll back round with my bare hands, but I wasn't strong enough.  So I was kind of stuck there. Then I looked around and all I could find within arm's reach was this magazine.  So I rolled it up and used it like a crowbar to true up that roll of TP.  I never even noticed what kind of magazine it was."

[MichelleO] "Uh huh."

[Obama, to himself] "I think she believes me!  Yes!  Thank goodness I have so much practice at lying!"

[aloud] "So that roll is nicely round now, and the TP comes off the roll much more smoothly now."

[MichelleO] "You telling me you only use one square?"

[Obama] "It is important for a powerful leader to know how to prioritize, to know when to delegate.  I delegate that one square stuff to others.  I leave that to the little people."

[MichelleO] "Oh barry, I love you!"

[Obama] "So while I was in there, I did some deep thinking.  I want to bounce an idea off you."

[MichelleO] "Shoot"

[Obama] "I already have Reid talking like he can jam government healthcare through with reconciliation.  So with that in mind, I invite, and by that I mean 'practically dare' the rethuglicans to meet with me for a healthcare summit.  Then we jump them."

[MichelleO] "Well, Lautenberg has cancer.  Specter and Sheets Byrd are both older than dinosaur poo.  Tim Johnson just ain't been the same.  You may have numerical advantages, but I think they'd whoop on you.  Bad."

[Obama] "Ever seen Claire McCaskill when she's mad?  She could take down at least a dozen by herself.  I just gotta tell her that Scott Brown thinks she's fat and she'll go off like a hand grenade.  But that's not really what I mean.  As I was deep in thought on the throne in there, it dawned on me - I can convince the repubs that I'll get my way through reconciliation, and this is their last chance to get on board and try to shape the legislation.  Of course reconciliation will never work, but they're dumb.  They'll think they have to get involved and keep me from getting everything I want.  There will be a bunch of compromises and the bill will suck, but that's OK.  It will have bipartisan support and it'll get passed.  I'll look like a bipartisan hero - a real leader, and all the tea party hate will spread to the rethugs, too.  Pretty dang clever, huh?

[MichelleO, Jeremiah Wright voice] "Nah, nah, nah.  Not God bless, America...  Barry bless America!" [normal voice] "Babe, you're the best!  That's pure genius!  But from now on, how about just sticking to thinking while you're in the bathroom and staying away from the magazines!"


  1. Funny Stuff Innominatus.
    But I hate to break it to you,
    the magazine that was all raggedy after
    barry the bozo got done with it was
    gay porn! He wouldn't know what a
    girlie magazine was.

  2. BRAVO, author, author !!! This little person only uses a half of a square.


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