Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Barack And Roll All Night

Lights come up.  Power chords blast from amplifiers:  Dree-dee-dee, dah-dah, deh-deh, dun-dih-dih.  Stryofoam columns from a simulated Greek temple fall to either side amidst pyrotechnic flashes.  Obama bursts from between the falling columns and slides on his spandex-clad knees while playing air guitar.  Here I am!  Barack You Like a Hurricane!

[Senate Minority Leader McConnell, yelling to be heard over the music] "Mr. President!  We agreed to this bi-partisan healthcare discussion based on your insistence that it would not become a political event!!"

[Rahm Emanuel] "Shut up, before I have to Mitch-slap you!  This is a campaign event, not a political event!" [Waves Bic lighter approvingly]

[McConnell] "What's the difference?"

[Emanuel] "He's good at one and not so good at the other.  Just give him a sec."

Obama strikes dramatic pose.  Fireworks go off in synch to the proud jutting of his chin.  Music dies down. 

[House Minority Leader Boehner] "Mr. President, are you quite through with the theatrics?"

[Emanuel retrieves icepick and drives it into tabletop menacingly] "Look, John.  He won.  That trumps, um, anything you care to say about anything."

Boehner calmly grasps handle of icepick and gives it a tug.  The tip breaks off in the table, making an audible "bink" noise.

[Boehner] "Come November, your short-lived majorities will be no more.  We will crush you.  It'll be like Oprah sitting on a jelly donut.  You will be totally flattened.  What else do you want to talk about?"

[Emanuel] "That's not true!"

[Boehner] "True!"

[Emanuel] "Not true!"

Senator Tom Coburn whacks Rahm in the back of the head.

[Coburn] "Enough!!  Actually, nevermind.  Keep yapping.  The more you guys talk, the better our polling numbers look.  Feel free to waste as much time as you want.  The more you hours you burn yammering about our obstuctionism, the fewer hours you have left to screw up the important stuff like reining in spending and stopping Iran."

[Emanuel, looking at C-SPAN camera] "See!  See!  He's an obstructionist!"

[Coburn] "You ain't seen nothin' yet.  The Senate is going to be more obstructed than a Beagle that swallowed a dish towel.  Nothing is getting through!"

[Emanuel, adjusts his collar nervously] "Well, um, Sarah Palin writes on her hands!"

[Obama] "People, we're not off to a very good start.  Let's hit the reset button on our dialog."

Senator Coburn slaps Rahm in the forehead.

[Emanuel] "Ow!  Whadya do that for?"

[Coburn] "I thought I saw a reset button.  Sorry."

[Obama] "OK, OK.  Time to get down to business.  Get down to brass tacks.  Hey!  Maybe we should raise the tax on brass!  Sorry...  I get distracted by taxes and shiny things like brass.  Whoa, those are some nice cufflinks ya got there!"

[Maj. Leader Reid] "What the pResident is trying to say is: 'what's your price?' What do we have to do to get you to pass this healthcare bill.  Seriously.  I've passed kidney stones that were less painful than this legislation.  Please, just tell me what you need.  What your home districts are clamoring for.  We'll include it in the next 'jobs' bill, so you can vote 'yea' on this and get it over with."

[Senator DeMint] "I'm just an ordinary red-state kind of guy.  I like the simple things in life, like being able to go out for pizza without being assailed by my constituents.  No deal."

[Reid] "Look.  We're all politicians here.  Everybody here has a price."

[DeMint] "Harry, I know you'll roll over like a cheap bagwhore for the smallest political gain.  Not us.  We're not going to play that way any more.  We start over on this bill or we go home."

[Reid] "You know we can't do that."

[DeMint] "I guess that's that then.  Adieu!"

Members of the Obstructionist Party stand and leave.  They are greeted outside by a throng of Tea Party activists.  Linking arms with the departing congresscritters, they break out in song...

"We're not gonna take it!
Noooo!  We ain't gonna take it!
We're not gonna take it any more!"


  1. [Coburn] "You ain't seen nothin' yet.
    B-b-b-baby you ain't seen nuh-nuh-nothing yet!

  2. Thanks, I feel like I've been Butch slapped silly.

    Gosh darn it, next time video tape it for me, I ain't got no TV.

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. This was hilarious.....obstructed like a dish towel thru a beagle! You have the best lines, Innominatus!

  5. YEAH, i agree, Bunni! I don't know where the nameless one comes up with these lines, but they are classic. He needs to publish a lexicon of them!

  6. aA - it is actually kind of a weakness. In real life I can't seem to make a point persuasively without some kind of allusion or metaphor. Kinda like Dennis Miller - except he's good at it.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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