Friday, November 20, 2009
Most Barryful Time of the Year
[Obama] "Hey! Who's there?"
[Ghost #1] "Barry, I am the ghost of Presidencies Past."
[Obama] "You look kinda like Reagan. Go away."
[Ghost] "No, Barry, I have some things to show you."
Nearby, a sleep apnea machine makes Darth Vader noises as it clings to the face of a slumbering Michelle. Barry feels himself leaving his body and taking on a ghostly form.
[Ghost] "Don't be alarmed. You're going to have a vision."
[Obama] "The only nighttime visions I have are of cute little Brazilian chicas with nice hardware. Knock it off and let me sleep. I've been under a lot of stress and I need the rest."
[Ghost] "No, Barry. You're coming with me for a while." [Ghost takes a firm grip of spectral Barry and gives him a yank] "Let's go."
[Obama] "Michelle, wake up! You gotta help me!"
Michelle does not respond. The Ghost of Presidencies Past drags an unwilling Obama back to Berlin in the '80s...
[Ghost] "Have you seen this wall before?"
[Obama] "Yeah, some pictures. I think they left a piece of it standing as some kind of sad memorial. I liked it better when the wall was still standing. Now East Germany has been absorbed by the capitalist West and the whole thing is a mess."
[Ghost] "This is where I told Gorby to tear the wall down. You have been playing footsie with the Evil Empire. Socialism worldwide is on the decline. Even the squishy euros are realizing that it is untenable. You are on the wrong side of history. It will not end well for you."
[Obama] "That's only 'cuz they've never had somebody as smart as me running their lives. If I had been born 20 years sooner, I could have saved them from these troubles. You just watch. I'm going to prove you wrong, wrong, wrong."
[Ghost] "It is evident that you just don't get it. I am wasting my time." [Ghost snaps his fingers and Barry returns to present reality.]
[Obama, sitting up in bed, startled] "Whew! It was just a dream!"
The following night, Obama is again visited...
[Ghost #2, looking like George Soros] "Barry, it's me! I'm the Ghost of Presidencies Present! I have great things to show you!"
[Obama] "Oh, hey! Whassup?"
[Ghost #2 takes Obama by the hand and leads him to North Korea]
[Obama] "This is cool! I've only seen pictures, but it looks even better in real life! I gotta hand it to Li'l Kim, he sure knows how to run a country and redistribute wealth."
[Ghost #2] "My student, you are learning well. Soon you will have this kind of power. All it will cost you is the wealth of your country - given to me. I will be the first trillionaire, and you will be the first Exalted World Ruler!"
[Obama] "Oh, that day can't come soon enough for me! Bring it on!"
[Ghost #2] "Patience, my student. Patience. That has always been your weakness. But I will train you well. Let us return..." [Ghost #2 snaps fingers, Obama returns to peaceful sleep]
[Ghost #2, under his breath as he looks down an a content Barry] "What a maroon. He believes everything I tell him. Bwaaahaaahaaaa!"
The next day, there is yet another visitor...
[Ghost #3, looking like Sarah Palin] "Mr. President, I am the Ghost of Presidencies Future. I have much to show you."
[Obama] "Gaah! Get out of here! Rahm, get in here and deal with this!"
[Ghost #3] "Rahm isn't here. He can't hear you."
[Obama] "Nonsense! Rahm is always there for me!"
[Ghost #3] "Not this time. It is just the two of us. I will show you the future."
[Obama] "Rahm! I don't know what you're fertilizing the arugula with, but it is giving me nightmares!"
[Ghost #3] "This isn't a nightmare, it's more of a vision..."
[Obama] "You mean I'm trippin'? No way. I don't do that anymore. Last time I tried that I woke up with Larry Sinclair's face in my lap and my butthole felt weird. There's no way!"
[Ghost #3] "TMI!! TMI!!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I didn't like it much, either. So let's just not and say we did."
[Ghost #3] "You must see. You must see." [Ghost #3 takes Barry by the wrist and whisks him into the future]
[Obama] "What's with that huge crowd in the National Mall?"
[Ghost #3] "That's the crowd of admirers at my third re-election party."
[Ghost #3] "Yep! You screwed things up so badly that you lost congressional majorities in 2010 and I stomped you in 2012. With my mandate, I got term limits imposed on congress. So all your old allies are now out picking beans."
[Ghost #3] "You bethca!"
[Obama] "Who's that?"
[Palin] "That's your youngest daughter. It's prom night, but nobody would ask her out because you are universally despised. So she's all alone and crying."
[Obama] "Me? People hate me? That can't be."
[Ghost #3] "Oh, for sure. Your wife left you. Your kids talk smack about you. Even Iran used to talk smack about you, before I nuked them into silence."
[Obama] "I can't let this happen! What can I do? Please tell me it is not too late!"
[Ghost #3] "No, there's still time. All you have to do is fire all your commie czars, balance the budget, and drill for oil everywhere. You pretty much have to become the opposite of you."
[Obama] "Dang. I really, really like me. I don't know if I can do that!"
[Ghost #3] "OK, then! See ya in 2012!"