Thursday, November 19, 2009

Count the change!

Every last convenience store in my town is now owned by [insert racial stereotype here]. In every last convenience store in my town, the cashiers have ceased the time-honored tradition of counting back my change. Coincidence? Counting back change isn't very hard. I can do it, and I'm not a even a real cashier. I'm what a lot of people would consider a dumb mouth-breathing gap-toothed redneck. But I can still do it.

Remember how it used to work? Say your purchase came to $5.83 and you paid with a $20. The cashier would say "$5.83, out of a twenty. $.17 [drops change in your hand] makes $6, four $1's [puts four singles in your hand] makes $10, and $10 more [drops $10 bill in your hand] makes $20. Have a great day!"

Nowadays, the [insert racial stereotype here] has a disordered stack of bills stretched taut between his hands, with a little pile of coins on top. Then the [insert racial stereotype here] wordlessly attempts to put the whole jumbled mess in my hand all at once, being extra careful to avoid any accidental skin contact - as though I might have some form of cooties. OK, buddy, that feeling is mutual. But now I have to wonder if the right amount is there. I also have to figure out how to get the pile of coins off the stack of bills without dumping them all over the counter, which I'm not usually successful at. Then I have to count and face all the bills before they go in the wallet - I guess I'm just fussy that way.

The whole thing becomes an ordeal that I'd rather just do without. But overpaying for a stale Hostess apple pie at a convenience store is about as American as apple pie, so I keep going back and the cycle continues. What am I to do?

Dank you beddy mush, sir!


  1. Eye pheel you're payne. When you give 'em that blank stare, they don't even know what you're staring at...

  2. This must be part of the master plan to take over the selling only the most dated snack foods!

  3. God forbid your total is 4.06 and you give them 20.06.

  4. Where the hell have you been? Only people over forty can count change back now a days. It used to be taught in schools. There too busy singing Obama songs to worry about basic math these days.

  5. I've noticed that too, Innominatus. And it's not only the (insert sterotype of paki's here) );_) Those lazy nit wits have started a trend...NO ONE wants to count your change back anymore, and they put the change on top of the bills on top of the receipt, which topples everything over.

    And, God forbit you give them a penny if your total is like $10.06, so they don't have to give you 4 pennies back with the change. Retards about in this world today. I think it's a conspiracy to make you charge or worse yet, debit card your purchases, so they can steal your card info!

  6. Ooooh, I hadn't even considered the conspiracy to jack my card #. If I actually had any money in my account that would be truly scary!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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