Monday, November 16, 2009

KSM has a barry nice day

President Obama is reclined in his seat aboard Air Force One, between legs of his Asian Gaffe Tour. He turns on the TV and sees Attorney General Holder giving an interview.

[Holder, on TV] " we decided to bring Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to New York for a criminal trial in a civilian court."

[Obama] "What!?! Not yet!! Not right after the Ft. Hood man-caused contingency!!"

[Interviewer, on TV] "This 'we' you speak of, who is this? The President? The Governor of NY?"

[Holder] "Nah, neither of them. My wife and I talked about it over a nice Chianti. We both thought it was a good idea."

[Interviewer] "But, shouldn't you have, um, maybe consulted with others in the administration?"

[Holder] "Nope. I'm the Attorney General. That means I'm an attorney and I'm a general. When it comes to justice, I give the commands around here."

[Obama, into cellphone] "Joe, CinC here. We have a major SNAFU. Situation FUBAR. AG EH decided to bring KSM to NY for CCP. We're in some real deep sierra."

[Biden] "Sir, I really don't understand what you're saying."

[Obama] "Sorry. I've been working on my acronyms. Ya know, trying to build a little cred with the military. Let 'em know I'm one of them, like, not a pushover. What that meant was that Holder wants to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in New York in regular ol' criminal court."

[Biden] "What's the big deal? Wasn't that always part of the plan?"

[Obama] "Yeah, but not mere days after that poor troubled soldier shot up Ft. Hood! We needed to give the dupes in flyover country a little time to digest before the media starts yapping about the alleged mastermind of 9/11. It isn't helpful having terrorism constantly on peoples' minds."

[Biden] "Right, right. So where do I fit in?"

[Obama] "You need to get down to Gitmo right away. You need to somehow convince KSM to waive his right to trial and just let us execute him."

[Biden] "He's already confessed and asked for death. I'm confused."

[Obama] "Da**it Joe, I'm confused, too! I've never run anything like this before, either! I'd go there myself, but I'm somewhere over the Pacific at about 40,000'. Not much I can do from here. I need you to think of something, and get down there."

[Biden] "Why don't you just confront Holder and tell him to knock it off?"

[Obama] "Have you ever seen Holder? I mean really looked at him? He's one scary dude! No way!"

[Biden] "Then why doncha just fire him?"

[Obama] "Look, the maintenance people still haven't finished cleaning the residue of greggycraig and Anita Dunn out from under the bus. There's just no way I could throw anybody else under there right now."

[Biden] "Why don't you just fly through the Panama Canal? I'm pretty sure Gitmo is in the Caribbean, which is by the Canal, which is by the Pacific. You could get there in no time."

[Obama] "Joe! I need you. Quit stalling, dithering and buck-passing! I need your foreign policy expertise. I need you to work your foreign policy magic on a foreigner who is being held on a foreign island. Joe, this is right up your alley. Get on it."

[Biden, dejectedly] "Aye, sir."

Vice President Biden arrives at Gitmo in a nondescript aircraft and enters the detention facility.

Biden enter's KSM's cell. KSM is seated on the floor with his hands cuffed in front of him. A pair of armed guards stands ready nearby.

[Biden] "KSM, I mean, Mr. Mohammed, I, uh. I'm. I'm just going to call you 'K', OK?"

[KSM] "Inshallah, I shall speet on your hairplugs!" [loud, loogie-building snort]

[Armed guard] "Not again!" [places pillowcase of KSM's head to prevent spitting]

[Biden] "K, take it easy. I'm here to get you out of this place. We're on the same side."

[KSM] "I shall put fire on all your country, inshallah!"

[Biden] "K. You gotta listen. I'm here from President Obama. He wants to get you out of here."

KSM] "Death to heem! [Gesture of drawing scimitar, done awkwardly because of handcuffs] "Inshallah, I will put big kuh-nife" [swings imaginary scimitar] "across heez neck!"

Biden's cellphone rings.

[Biden] "Hello"

[Obama] "How is it going? Making any progress?"

[Biden] "No. I'm trying to be the nice guy, but he keeps making violent threats and talking about enchiladas. He's crazier than... than... oh, I dunno. But he's crazy and all this talk about enchiladas is making me crazy hungry."

[Obama] "Don't let the hunger distract you. If 'good cop' isn't working, then you better become the 'bad cop' and work it that way."

[Biden] "Roger." [Hangs up] "OK, K. There's something you need to understand. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way. I recommend the easy way. 'Cuz I was pretty good at football back when I was in high school, and you really don't want to see me get angry. I'll beat you like a rented halfback."

[KSM] "I bet your mother is sexy. Inshallah, I shall..."

[Biden] "Hey! Don't even start on my mom! Look, we're going to try you. We're going to find you guilty. Then we will execute you!"

[KSM] "Sound good to me. But first, I represent self and see all evidence against me and method used to get evidence against me which I send all to bin Laden. Then I claim no read rights. Then I claim tortured when confessing. I walk.
Inshallah, I go free back to Waziristan and make plan to bring fire to all your country."

[Biden] "You don't get it. Even if you are acquitted, we'll just immediately re-arrest you and try you in military court, find you guilty, and execute you."

[KSM] "Still sound good to me. But I still send all info to bin Laden."

[Biden] "Dang it! Don't you want to die and meet your virgins now? Here, eat this!" [hands pill to KSM]

[KSM wolfs down pill] "Burp!"

[Biden] "There's enough cyanide in that pill to kill 10 men. You'll be dead inside of 30 seconds! Ha!"

5 minutes go by...

10 minutes go by...

[Biden] "Why aren't you dead?"

[KSM] "Taste good like almond."

[Biden] "How are you still living?"

[KSM] "In cave in Waziristan I live only on dried goat curd. This pill is good. Taste like almond. Would go good with dried goat curd, dried dates and dried honey. Yum! This pill like tic-tac after what I eat in cave in Waziristan."

Biden's phone rings again.

[Biden] "Hello"

[Obama] "Update?"

[Biden] "He ate the pill and he's still fine. Trying to poison him is not going to look good when we go to trial."

[Obama] "Yeah. Better head back to DC and act like it never happened."


  1. While I liked it a lot, one detail took me out of the story was the Holder and his wife sipping Chianti.

    Everybody knows Eric and his chick are straight up box wine guzzlers.

  2. Good one Innominatus. Also have to lol at box wine.

  3. The other negative thing about Chianti is, I couldn´t get eating someone´s liver out of my mind. But then the thought of almond flavored liver? Man, you´re sellin' the whole package there.

  4. I love Chianti, but I'll only drink it from the traditional straw-basketed box.

  5. please don't put "obama" and "between legs of his" in the same sentence ever again. :)

  6. I'm all of a sudden hungry for almonds myself.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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