Barry Porous Border

A cabinet meeting.  Usual suspects in attendance.  Obama enters

[Obama] "Good morning!"

[collective groans and mutterings]

[Obama] "What's up?  Everybody still recovering from the weekend?  Dang, Eric, your hair seems to have gotten a lot grayer since Friday.  And you, Joe, look like a wreck.  What's happening around here?"

[Holder] "Well boss, my hair isn't so much 'grayer' as it is 'more singed'.  See, I was destroying IRS hard drives like you asked.  But the wood chipper was getting dull, so I started looking for a Plan B.  I got a hold of an acetylene torch.  I figured I'd just cut those hard drives into little pieces.  But I've never used a torch like that before.  There's these crazy gauges on the bottle, and all these valves everywhere.  Valves on the bottle.  Valves on the base of the torch.  I dunno how all that crap works.  But I did learn one thing:  stub out you smoldering choom before messing with acetylene."

[Obama] "Wow!  At least you're OK"

[Holder] "Yeah, but my ears are still ringing and my garage door landed in Hoboken.

[Obama] "Joe!  You must have partied hard! 'Cuz I've never seen a nearly bald guy with a Mohawk."

[Biden] "Umm, well, this morning after I shaved, I noticed my sideburns weren't quite even.  So I tried to trim the one side.  Then it was a little too high, so I tried to trim the other side.  Then it was a little too high, and next thing ya know, I look like this!  By the way, I prefer to call it a 'Joehawk' and I actually kind like it."

[Obama] "Well, enough with the downtwinkles you guys.  We gotta liven this up!"

The pResident steps out and steps back in just moments later, wearing tight black bellbottom polyester pants and a sequined shirt.  A Mariachi band follows him.

[Obama, singing (poorly)] "Far!  They've been travelin' far!  Left their homes.  But not without a Star!" [aside] "Which would be ME!" [points to Val Jarrett] [Mariachi band kicks in, playing exuberantly]

[Jarrett, singing proudly] "Free!  They want stuff for free!  They huddle close, to fit more on the train!"

[Obama] "Yeah!"  [points to SecDHS Jeh Johnson]


[Johnson, singing] "On the trucks and on the trains, they're comin' to America.  Never looking back again, they bringin' in chlamydia!"




[Obama nods and dances.  Jarrett waves a lighter.  Obama points to National Security Adviser Donilon]


[Donilon, singing triumphantly] "Home! Just a Rio Grande away!  Crossing over night and day! We'll put 'em up in a dorm, put 'em up in a dorm.

[Obama, points to Eric Holder]


[Holder singing, strutting about like Travolta in Grease] "Home!  To a new and a shiny place!  Give 'em beds and a parking space!  Freedom's light burning out... Freedom's light burning out"


[Obama] "Everywhere around the world, they're coming to America.  I know I throw just like a girl, still they're comin' to America!"  [Points to SecState Kerry]


[Kerry, singing badly with that snooty nasal/breathy thing he does] "Got a DREAM Act to draw 'em here, they're comin' to America.  Hidden drugs in their underwear! They're comin' to America!"

[Jarrett] "They bringin' in malaria!"

[Donilon] "Bringin' in chlamydia!

[Biden, hesitating] "umm" [sound effect of record scratch, music stops] "Uhh.. Hmmm.  Oh! - bringin' in tuberculosis-uhh" [music resumes]

[All] "They votin' Democratica!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!"

[Obama] "This country, I piss on thee!" [others quietly echo "hooray!"]
[Obama] "Way too much liberty!"  ("hooray!")
[Obama] "Oe'r thee I reign!" ("hooray!")
[Obama] "Oe'r thee I reign!" ("hooray!")


[Obama] "Well, that was fun.  Who's up for some Chipotle?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's the real version, which I like quite a lot

Seeking investors!!!!1!

Artwork for label design

The only thing a product needs to succeed in the market is the right balance of Supply and Demand.  Let's face it: America is becoming a nation of overweight widebottoms.  And most of us will be toiling long hours right up until the day we die, just to pay the taxes that'll be extracted from us to pay for our national debt and unfunded liabilities.  We're getting fat and we're gonna need a lot of energy.

So we've established demand.  What about supply?  Well, here in western Oregon, we're rarely lacking for water.  Neither are we lacking for meth.  Our genius government put Sudafed behind the counter, so local tweekers can't cook it up like they used to.  But that's OK - There's an endless number of illegal alien mexithugs sneaking over the border with drugs and the AK-47s we gave them. They haul the drugs right up the interstate we paved for them, and the Border Patrol can only snipe at them with beanbag rounds.  So supply won't be a problem.  Now we have to show ID to get a pill for our sniffles, but no ID required to vote.  Ain't America grand?

All that's left for this venture to really take off is start-up cash so I can buy that old Winnebago and turn it into a mobile bottling plant.  Also, I'll need distributors in other parts of the country.  Lemme know if you want to send cash, become a Licensed Distributor, or both.

OBLIGATORY LEGALESE: Any similarities to the bottled-water product "EartH₂O" is purely coincidental.

Obama in history

Alright, every rightwinger with a pulse and an IQ measured in degrees fahrenheit has heard about Obama worming into almost all the presidential biographies of the last hundred years.  What is not so well publicized, is that Obama has inserted himself into *EVERYBODY'S* biography.  Seriously.  If your biography has broken out in an itchy rash recently, well, now you know.

Some examples:

In the '70s, Al Gore invented the internet.  Today, Obama uses the internet to knock his own dick in the dirt with extremely hamfisted wannabe-totalitarian things like the "fishy" flag@whitehouse.gov, Attack Watch, and Truth Teams.  All of which are readily mockable and give us bloggers stuff to snark about.

In the middling 'aughts, Jack Dorsey invented Twitter and that Zuckerdude invented Facebook.  Today, Obama uses these and other social-media outlets to knock his own dick in the dirt with #hashtags that get highjacked by clever conservatives and also that Life of Julia slideshow which is so stupid that stupid people who are in comas from over-huffing lemon-scented Pledge snap out of the coma just long enough to beg for a president who isn't so stupid.

During the French Revolution, Marie Antoinette supposedly said "Let them eat cake."  Today, thanks to Obama's disastrous economic policies, millions on food stamps do exactly that.  Or, they sell their foodstamp bennies to their neighbor ($2 in bennies for each dollar in cash) and use the money to get cigarettes and scratch-off tickets.  This is also known as Economic Stimulus.

In one of the most popular books ever written, a fictional character named Don Quixote had jousting contests with windmills. Today, Barack Obama intends to power the American economy with windmills and algae.  Coincidentally, "Quixote" is Elizabeth Warren's Cherokee name.


In 1929, Muhotdog Gandhi expressed his revolutionary fervor by marching to the beach and making salt.  Today, Michelle Obama went back in time and beat Gandhi with her bat'leth because salt tastes good and contributes to heart disease.

Urgent Appeal from Bo the Dog

TO: anybody_that_can_help_me@gmail.com

FROM: bo@whitehouse.gov

SENT: April 19, 2012 (secure smtp port110 mailerdaemon)

SUBJECT: GET ME THE ARF OUTTA HERE!

OK. heerz the deel.  I barely know portugeez but it is hard what with that ç letter they uze all the time and the leading r that soundz like h so "rusty" sounds like "hoosty" and my engrish is bad two.  So please be understandful.  Also I am hiding in closet.  It is dark in heer and it is reely hard to use trackpad on this stupid MacBook Pro when one has hairy paws.

I dont dare to try uze desktop PC even tho mouse is eazier than trackpad for dog.  Because iff they find me I am toast.  Or maybe I will end up on toast.  So I hide in closet to send the pleading mail to you.  Barry said once he come out of closet he no go back in so I think safe here.  For now.

I may be not smart enuff for MENSA.  But I could do more better than that Gytner dork at Treasury.  I can add to and to and no that it equals for.  Barry say things like "this arugula is very good" and then he say "Bo, you are very good dog."  Barry say "Bobo, I love the way you wagyu tail" and then say "I love wagyu beef."  I can take a hint.  I know I soon end up BBQ.  I knead your helps.

To make me escape, I will need from you:

1.  2 k's of cocaine and some colombian hookers to distract secret service.  If colombian no available, Kardashian acceptable substitute.

2.  Plane ticket to someplace that no eat dogs.  Rooftop car carrier will work but prefer to fly.

3.  Green Card and cash to bribe that rotten illegal bastard Jaime the guatemalan who tend the white house garden.  He always yell at me for pooping in roses.  He will rat me out unless bribed.

4.  Fake ID to create new identity.  Available in tag form at most pet stores or engraving companies.

Please to hurry with this before next State Dinner if you know what I mean!!!1!

Best .GIF ever? (or: Why I love Israel)

The Israelites...  They preserved the Word of God for thousands of years.  They brought forth the Savior.  And they don't take no gruff offa no hippies.

Hungry?  How 'bout a tasty M4 sandwich?

I found that buried in the IMAO comments yesterday.  For background, you can watch the whole vid.  Basically, some liberal westerners and some palestinians formed their own little version of Critical Mass (Critiq Al-Mazz?) on an Israeli highway.  The IDF handled it appropriately.  And I, with a broad perma-grin, have been staring hypnotically at that .GIF for hours.

---------------------------------------------------

I'd yell "Cry 'havoc!' and let slip the Dogs of War!" but barry would probably eat them.

---------------------------------------------------

Like so many other things, this whole "Romney put his dog on the roof of his car!" thing has exploded in the libs' faces like that time when I was a kid and my moron friend put a firecracker in a pile of dog doo.

-------------------------------------------------

Ever wonder why dems are always clamoring about more gun control?  'Cuz they keep shooting themselves in the foot.  Between the "War on Women", this dog deal and the attack on Ann Romney, the dems have accomplished the impossible:  They have turned me into an enthusiastic Romney supporter.  OK, not enthusiastic enough to, like, send him a campaign contribution, but you know what I mean... 

-----------------------------------------------

This election cycle's most damaging chart?

Deep thoughts...

Biden asks the important questions

Why is it, that no matter how thoroughly I pick my nose,
it is full again just a few minutes later?

Found Footage: OWS

Below the fold is a transcript of an Occutard's iPhone video diary.  Like everything else about OWS, it is vile and offensive and those with delicate sensibilities should consider not reading it. 

Midweek Miscellaneous Musings

Nicaraguan Backhoe

Guatemalan Socket Set

Mexican Airbrush

American pResident

-------------------------------------------

The "Occupy [insert town here]" people aren't very scary.  But still, you should be on your toes around them.  'Cuz there's a lot of their poo on the ground.

-------------------------------------------

So Iran tried to arrange a hit on the Saudi and Israeli ambassadors.  And our response is...  wait for it... More sanctions.  What?  We're still holding sanction cards we haven't played yet?  Iran has been building nukes, threatening their neighbors, funding the Hezbos, stirring up the Shiite insurgency in Iraq (which got a bunch of our troops DEAD), ridin' around on motorcycles killin' their own people, yadda yadda.  And we haven't hit 'em with every single stinkin' sanction imaginable?  How much must a country misbehave before we go "all in" on sanctions?

------------------------------------------

Or maybe barry is just a lot more bothered about Saudi diplomats dying than our own troops....

-----------------------------------------

Over at Proof's place the other day, I learned that a longhaired maggot-infested FM-type Occupy San Diego protester fell/jumped/was pushed to his death.  In the comments there, Smitty said:

#OccupyGravity

Heh. Or should I say HEH!

-----------------------------------------

Daily Dose of Stupid

Seems like the little shin-dig they be havin' on Wall Street is contagious, and the morons in Portland wanna play, too.  Great.  Here's a taste:



Since I'm in a college town not far away, I live among and have to deal with his sort all the time.  Bad enough when they are American idiots.  Bringing in foreign morons is taking things too far.  With his bloo'y wankah accent, I can't catch everything he's saying.  So maybe I'm wrong when he holds up a little jar of drugs and talks about smoking it.  OK, Limey.  You've been hoodwinked.  If you think that is good stuff worth YouTubing, you're really lame.  Weed should be green and fuzzy and kinda sticky and should smell like a skunk mating with a freshly-cut Christmas Tree.  (I haven't touched the stuff since '94, but I remember a few things.  I haven't *always* been a Model Citizen^TM.)  It should NOT look like garlic powder.  Go find the punk who sold you that junk and beat the crap out of have some thoughtful non-violent dialog with him about his crappy weed.

The one in the lower-right corner can occupy most of Portland
all by herself.

These are the people whining about lack of opportunity because Corporate America is such a downer.  Well, whiner, to Corporate America, your appearance is a downer.  Maybe if it didn't look like you've been shot in the face with a hardware store, and maybe if you took those stupid tribal wooden thingies out of your earlobes, you could get a job.  But I won't hold my breath for that to happen.  Even though I'd like to, as your smell is unpleasant.  Hate to burst your bubble even further, but Urban Outfitters is a corporation.  Complete with like a Corporate Headquarters and Guys in Suits and all that.  I'll wait while you process that little tidbit...

OK?  Good.

These are also the same people who have "Keep Portland Weird!" stickers on the backs of their Subarus.  Kids, Portland doesn't need your help.  The fruitwads in City Hall have the weird all locked down and going nowhere.  The latest?  MANDATORY composting!  Yep, ya can't throw away your food waste.  Can't toss the fuzzloaf that has been in the back of the 'fridge since '06.  It has to go in the Yard Debris recycle bin now.  Wait.  What if you're an apartment dweller and don't have a Yard Debris bin?  You get a shiny new plastic bucket from the City of Portland to put your organic arugula scraps in!  Yay!  And since you have this bucket, the City has decided that they don't need to pick up your garbage every week, but instead will only come every other week!  Double-Yay!  Your plankton/tofu nutloaf leftovers get to sit in a bucket for two weeks!  Won't fit in your fridge?  No problem!  Just put it outside to attract disease-carrying vermin and freegans.  (sorry 'bout the redundancy)  What if you're an apartment dweller with no real 'outside'?  Umm, tough crap, amigo!  Put it out in the hallway next to your loud neighbor's door and hope for the best!

Everything about these longhaired maggot-infested FM types makes me want to hurl.  But I'm on an empty stomach.  So I guess I'll douse a Spotted Owl in napalm and use him to light a pile of old tires on fire, over which I'll sacrifice a barrel of crude oil to Exxon/Mobil while checking my stock ticker.

If you could read their minds

Click-biggifying possible, even allowable, but not recommended

Whaddya think they're thinking?  Well, lemme tell ya!

1.  Yes, I REALLY AM that happy to be here
2.  Do not be alarmed by my resemblance to Tony Blair
3.  Zere are many tinks in this room that I vould like to burn.  Dat incloods peoples.
4.  Wunner if m' treestand will support my lardy self for one more season.
5.  Let's win one for the Gipper!
6.  Hey, Gipper!  Hands to yourself!
7.  My testicle itches
8.  And mom said my degree in International Jute Fiber Marketing would never get me anywhere.  Ha!
9.  If the Secret Service weren't here, I'd smack him right in the back of that ugly head!
10.  Someday I hope to land a role as a compassionate judge in a courtroom drama series on the Lifetime Network
11.  Thinking about blowing up Kaffir makes me smile
12.  I am better at Wii Sports than anyone in this room
13.  I'm half the man I used to be
14.  I'm only here to make Barry's ears look normal
15.  Eww!  Why does his hand smell like lutefisk?
16.  Chickens!  Comin' home, to roost!
17.  Can you believe I was able to sneak in here?
18.  Whoa!  Should not have done a nitrate popper just before the photo shoot!
19.  If I don't get at least $5000/month in alimony, I'm hiring a hit man to take out my ex.
20.  ???????????
21.  But they said there would be table tennis!
22.  I think I am the only normal person here
23.  Hi!  I'm Hugo Chavez and I lost 90 lbs using Nutrisystem!
24.  No, I saw you take brand new slurpee cup.  You no get refill price.
25.  Darn. If I'd known I'd be in the front row I'd have worn decent slacks.
26.  Wommyn of the world, unite!  Subvert the Patriarchy!
27.  I hope this is just a fart...  Dang!  It was not just a fart.

Wish I had a minute or two

But since I don't, go check out what Odie just put up at Left Coast Resistance.

Hee!

Barry's inner voice

[Note: For some reason, the embedded audio players don't work in some browsers.   If you are having trouble, click the link below to play it in your default media player]

Ever wonder what's going on inside barry's head? What his inner voice is telling him?  It sounds a little like this:
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alternate link

Alternate Link

Alternate Link

Alternate Link

Alternate Link

There Can Only Be One

On a nondescript stretch of highway in New Hampshire, campaign buses pass each other by going in opposite directions...

[Romney] "That's him!  Turn around"

The bus driver dutifully complies.

[Romney] "Step on it!  Catch up to that other bus!"

After a few miles, Romney's bus is right behind the other.  Romney reaches past the driver and grabs the little chain to sound the bus' air horn.  **BRAAAAAA**  The leading bus pulls over at a scenic viewpoint on the road and the second bus pulls in behind.

[Gov. Perry, stepping out of lead bus] "Y'all better start 'splaining whart's goin' on.  If you pulled us over for anythin' less than to warn me of my bus bein' on far and ready to 'splode, thar's gonna be a heap o' trouble."

[Romney] "No, that's not it at all.  I think, I think, well, how to explain this..." [Holds up picture of three persons' hair]

[Romney, continuing] "See, we each have very Reaganesque hair.  Placed next to each other, they are nearly indistinguishable.  Hence, I suggest that we not fight each other.  Instead, you should be my running mate, and our campaign slogan can be 'Hair Apparent to the Mantle of Reagan: Romney/Perry 2012'. I think the little play on heir/hair is cute and will really resonate with the electorate."

[Perry] "The only thing resonatin' is my brain.  'Cuz listenin' through all the stupid in you little spiel there made my brain shrink and now it's bouncin' off the insides of my skull.  Let's pick this apart: first of all, me 'n Dutch Reagan part our hair on the right.  'Cuz "Right" is like our dee-fault settin' for just about ever'thin'.  Y'all parts yours on the left and try to drag it all over to the right but y'all ain't convincin' nobody with all that.  Secondly, yer hair looks like the roadkill I use to bait the coyote traps.  Thirdly..."

[Romney interrupts] "Let's not be like that, picking each other apart.  We have too much in common.  We've both been governors.  We both have fabulous hair.  We, umm, we... We both have pick-up trucks...  We're like that episode of Star Trek where there were those two guys.  They were painted half black and half white.  Well, the other guy was half white and half black.  See, they thought they were polar opposites of each other, but they were really the same.  When they touched each other there would be these ZzZZZz electrical sounds and sparks would fly but they really should have been natural allies.  Like us."

[Perry] "Naw, we are total opp'sites:  While you was watchin' Star Trek and sippin' your Roy Rogers at the Hamptons with your rich daddy, I was picking cotton and killin' feral hogs with a butterknife 'cuz we couldn't afford a proper hog-killin' knife."

[Romney, imploringly] "But that's the point!  Together, you as my running mate, we could appeal to EVERYBODY!"

[Perry] "Y'all must realize that ever'thin you're sayin' would also be true with me at the top of the ticket."

[Romney, face turning ugly with rage] "NO!  NO! A thousand times NO!  *I* am the one who pissed through millions of his own dough last time.  *I* am the one who has been campaigning all this time.  Plus, the Establishment said that *I* am up.  It is MY turn!"

[Romney lunges forward and grabs Perry by the shoulders] "ZzZZZz!  ZzZZZz!  There. Can. Only. Be. One.! ZzZZZz!  ZzZZZz!"

[Perry brushes Romney's hands away] "No man has ever put his hands on me uninvited and lived to tell the tale.  Wait.  That sounds kinda bad.  It's not like I ever invite men to touch me.  I'm talkin' 'bout guys like the doc that fixed my back a while back.  That's OK.  But I'll make a 'ception for you this time since I don't much feel like 'splaining at the next debate how I had to kill ya and then use your bones to build a raised flarbed for my wife's yeller roses."

[Romney] "Thanks...  I think."

Perry, executing a quick-draw, pulls out his Desert Eagle and fires a round off to Romney's side.

[Romney, freaking out] "What the heck was that all about??!?!"

[Perry] "There was a three-legged snark sneakin' up behind y'all.  Them's venomous as hell and woulda killed ya right quick.  I just saved yer life.  So just get yourself back in the bus and think real hard about being my veep."

Politically Incorrect Inbox Goodie

From aA:

I was sitting at a traffic light on the highway, yesterday, next to a carload of Muslims, when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car!

"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me!"....

So I went and got a commercial truck driver's license!

Is this REALLY our SecState?

Dunno how many of you go to Drudge or how often.  I check it about twice a day.  I don't think he's all that conservative.  In fact, for some reason I don't quite trust him.  He's like Dick Morris if Dick Morris knew how to use HTML.  But he has good info and seems to full-on HATE the Clintons.  Which I am entirely cool with.  In fact, ol' Matt seems to find the worst possible pics of them to put on his site.  Below the fold you'll see what I mean... and don't click unless you've had your dramamine.

New Antisocial Networking Site!!

Some of my blog buddies are getting pretty jazzed about Google+.  I haven't tried it yet.  Prolly won't.  Instead, I've been spending my time at another new site.  Below you can get a taste of how it works.

Of course this is click-biggable

**UPDATE: Linked by MaxRedline.  Thanks!

Happy Flag Day Repost

Here's a little re-post for ya. You can look at the comment you left last year and see if you've gotten any smarterer.
----

Oh, you said "FLAG DAY", like with an "L" in it.  Ooops!

Quick Joke

How many ecofreak progressives does is take to screw in a CFL light bulb?

Day of Rage kind of a letdown

It was announced that today would be a Shiite "Day of Rage" in Saudi Arabia.  Not much has happened.  I guess they were all raged-out from being enraged all the other days of the year.  Did you know that there is one day a year when they aren't enraged?  Yes.  It is Shiite Hugs & Kittens Day.  But because of their angry moon god they use the lunar calendar, which even that computer that won Jeopardy can't figure out.  So we can never tell when Hugs & Kittens Day will fall on our "real" calendar.  Usually it is between "Death to Jews Day" and the other "Death to Jews Day" but not always.  It's a real pain that can mess up a guy's travel plans.

There has to be a way to make lemons out of this lemonade, and I think I have a plan.  First, we have to recognize that the Shiites are under a lot of stress - not unlike the seams on MichelleO's stretchpants - and all we need to do is push them just a little harder and they'll snap like Dan Marino's Achilles.  I volunteer to go to the Middle East and talk smack until they go (even more) postal...

"Hey Shiite Abdul!  Hussein, who happens to be a Sunni, said his dictator is bigger'n your dictator!"  

"Psst, Shiite Jamaal.  Yeah, you didn't hear this from me, but that Sunni guy named Ahmed is going around telling people that Abu Bakr could have totally kicked Ali's butt, but Ali was too afraid to fight."

Stuff like that.  Then while they're all mad at each other and busy chasing each other around with scimitars, I implement the second part of the strategy:  Gather all the Mexicans that are awaiting deportation and stuff them in airplanes.  Airdrop them into the southern parts of all the oil-producing mooselimb countries.  But first tell them "We now have Apache helicopters patrolling the border with orders to shoot on sight.  So the only way back in is to dig a tunnel.  So don't you dare try to dig a tunnel or we'll be really mad."  Then push 'em out of the airplane.  Yes, they'll have parachutes. I'm not that mean.  They'll land in the desert somewhere in the Middle East and think they're back home in Mexico, 'cuz, let's face it - one piece of arid crappy land pretty much looks like any other piece of arid crappy land.  And knowing them, they'll immediately start tunneling north.  Then their tunnels will strike oil.  I'm even willing to share some of the oil with the tunnel diggers.  That's called Compassionate Conservatism (which I'm generally opposed to but I'm feeling more compassionate than normal right now).  The best part is that the mooselimbs won't even notice since they're too busy chasing each other around with scimitars.  Oil prices will go back down and everybody will live happily ever after.

What do you think of this plan?  Pretty clever, isn't it?