Saturday, March 16, 2013

Joe Joe Joe to Rome, gently down the drain

I'm not Catholic, so I don't really know what I'm talking about.  Don't freak if I get something wrong.  And if you're Catholic, please don't be offended.  I'm just goofin' on Joe.

Vice President Biden and his entourage arrive at the Vatican.  They are ushered in to meet the new Pope. 

[Biden] "Hey there!" [offers handshake which the Pope hesitantly reciprocates] "I'm Catholic, but I've never met a Pope before.  Umm...  Oh yeah, I'm supposed to kiss your ring, right?"

[Pope Francis] "That is customary.  But it isn't anything I insist on."

[Biden] "Well, I'm all about doing things right.  May I?"

[Pope Francis, uncomfortably] "Well, I guess."  [offers hand, Biden kisses ring]

[Biden] "Sorry.  That's peppermint Trident.  Hey, at least it's sugar-free, right?" [retrieves gum from Pope's ring and pops it back in his mouth]

[Pope Francis: eyeroll]

[Biden] "So, uh, your Holy Popiness, we have come to congratulate you on your high level of Popitude.  We are thankful for your leadership and look forward to OWWWWW!" [grabs his mouth and falls to his knees in pain]

[Pope Francis, alarmed] "My son, what has happened?"

[Biden, spitting out gum] "I think I broke a tooth." [Examines gum] "Yeah, right here!  It's one of the diamonds from your ring.  The gum must have pulled it out of its setting and I broke a tooth on it.  I'm gonna sue the crap out of you!"

[Biden's aide] "Sir, you can't sue the Pope.  He has Sovereign Immunity."

[Biden] "But that only applies to heads-of-state."

[Aide] "Yes.  The Vatican is its own little country and the Pope is head of state."

[Biden] "This is a country?  What a bunch of malarkey.  I mean, it's is super nice and very well decorated, but geez, it's only a few city blocks.  Al Gore's house is bigger than this place.  And what about Separation of Church and State?"

[Aide] "Doesn't apply here."

[Biden] "Aww, crap. We're off to a really rough start here.  Please forgive me.  Let's start over."

[Pope Francis] "Of course."

[Biden] "Ya know, I love Jell-O Pudding Pops.  Ever consider marketing Pudding Popes?  Like a little pope-shaped plastic mold a kid or a Vice President could pour his pudding into, then stick in the freezer?"

[Pope Francis] "Commercializing the office of Pope is a terrible idea."

[Biden] "Lighten up, Francis!  Heh.  Sorry.  Heh.  I've been waiting for years to meet a guy named Francis so I could use that line."

[Pope Francis, anxious to change the subject] "My son, why do you have that Manson-esque scribbling on your forehead?"

[Biden] "Ash Wednesday.  It is hard to draw on my own face in the mirror because the mirror makes my right hand look like my left hand and I'm right-handed so I tried to use my left so it would look right in the mirror and ummm, well, sorry the cross turned out so screwy."

[Pope Francis] "But Ash Wednesday was a month ago."

[Biden] "Yeah, see, after that cat/furnace episode, Jill won't let me play with matches any more.  No matches, no fire, no ashes, nothing even vaguely related to anything flammable. So I used a black Sharpie pen.  Wow, that stuff is really permanent!"

[Pope Francis, trying to hide is growing annoyance] "Surely there is a substantive reason for your visit.  I mean, the conversation has been pleasant enough, but"

[Biden, interrupting] "Oh, yeah!  See, the Republicans won't pass enough tax hikes and we need some money.  Maybe you could, you know, sell off some of this fantastic artwork you have here and help a guy out?"

[Pope Francis, somewhat indignantly] "No.  These treasures are not mine to give, loan, or sell."

[Biden, getting testy] "Not even gonna consider it, huh?  Really?  So that's how you want to play it, player? We 'intervene' in little countries like this pretty much daily.  We have swarms of drones circling everywhere.  Do you really think your little crew of guys with jester suits and spears can hold off a Marine Expeditionary Unit?  You think you can dodge the missiles comin' off a Reaper?  You think you're all that?  I'm not talking about a garden-variety slap upside your funny hat or a shotgun blast through the doorway.  I'm talkin' about the wrath of pResident Peace Prize and his wife, Our Lady of Unfortunate Proportions!  You really think you can withstand all that?!?"

[Pope Francis, making cross gesture] "Egredere de hic vobis stultus bastardus."

[Biden, triumphantly] "Yeah, that's what I thought.  I knew you'd see things my way"

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Still haven't posted to Twitter

The urge to blog has certainly been absent lately.  The best I can muster is twitterish short takes, but I can't bring myself to actually break my twitter embargo.  So I guess I'll post them here.  You're welcome.

  • Dear NUKS students, thank you for coming to the shop and placing an order.  However, despite what is depicted in Axe TV ads, it is NOT SUGGESTED that you wear a whole can of Axe spray when you are ordering your awards.
  • Frogs (and amphibians, in general) are said to be a barometer of an ecosystem's health.  The land around my house is a VERY HEALTHY ecosystem.
  • 7:00pm - "Hear all the froggies?"  "Yeah, grandpa!  Cool!"
  • Midnight - "There HAS to be a way to shut these @#$%^& frogs up!"
  • Seriously, it's like a biblical plague of frogs out there.
  • The sunny days are nice, but the frosty windshield thing is getting old.
  • One might think that subfreezing temperatures would shut up a frog.  One would be mistaken.
  • She packed a SpongeBob Gogurt in my lunch?  Seriously?
  • My neighbor shoos the Canada geese off his land with a shotgun.  Wonder if it works on frogs.
  • Oh-so-thoughful brother-in-law brought us a small inflatable pool.  Yay.  Grandkid insisted that I inflate it today, even though it is way to cold for a swim.  I think I burst a vessel in the process.
  • What are the symptoms of an aneurysm?  The spots I'm seeing that look rather like miniature fireflies, will go away, right?  Right?
  • The inflatable giraffe that is part of the inflatable pool is already drooping at half-mast.  Little brat better not have popped the pool before we've even put water in it.
  • It would be nice to have recovered from inflating the pool with my lips before the pool was destroyed.  Guess I ask for too much.
  • I suppose that popping the pool is better than pooping the pool.
  • Next time I'm asked to inflate a pool, I'll decline.  Knowing what I know now, I'd think I'd rather be shot in the glans with a frozen paintball.


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