Monday, November 30, 2009

Barry questionable answers

[Jeopardy! music plays]

[Announcer] "Here's Alex Trebec!"

[Alex] "Welcome to a very special Celebrity Jeopardy!  Let's meet today's contestants, and find out which charity they are playing for."

[Obama] "Hi.  I'm, uh, the President of the US.  I'm playing for ACORN, since their funding has really gotten hammered lately.  Hopefully I can help them out."

[Jessica Simpson] "Hi, I'm Jessica.  I can't remember the name of the foundation I'm playing for, but they help models and actresses afford lots of new shoes.  It's a very good cause."

[Wolf Blitzer] "Hi, I'm Wolf.  I'd just like to thank the Jeopardy! studios for allowing me a second shot at this.  When I was last here, I had taken far above the recommended dosage of cough syrup and it really hurt my play.  I hope to do better this time, and I'm playing for the National Association of Self-Loathing Jews Who Can't Score with Women."

[Alex] "Very well.  Let's reveal today's categories:  The Rennaisance, Me First - where the correct response will begin with the letters "emm eee", US Constitution, Catch Some Zzzs, Famous Texans, and finally Rivers of the World.  Mr. President, select first."

[Obama] "Oooh!  Me First for $200, Alex!"

[Alex] "This cloven-hoofed ruler of the Underworld..."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!"

[Alex] "Sorry, that's incorrect.  We're looking for a question that starts with M E.  Anyone?"

[Wolf] "Who is Medusa?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect, but you're on the right track. Jessica?"

[Jessica] "As if!"

[Alex] "Mr. President, select again."

[Obama] "Oooh! Oooh!  ME First for $400, Alex"

[Alex] "This geological era forms the bridge between the Cenozoic and the Paleozoic."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!?"

[Alex] "Incorrect.  Anyone else?" [silence] "We were looking for 'mesozoic.'  Mr. President, you don't seem to understand the way the questions in this category work.  Each correct..."

[Obama, angrily interrupting] "Listen, Alex, I know what "ME FIRST!" means.  This is just a bunch of racist junk to make me look bad."

[Alex] "Sir, I assure you that is not the case.  When, and I do say 'when' not 'if' one of the white contestants says anything as absurd, I'll give them appropriate scorn as well.  Select again."

[Obama] "Famous Texans for $200"

[Alex] "This legendary quarterback traded his blue & gold collegiate colors for the lone star of Dallas"

[Obama] "Who is Tony Romo?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Sorry, that is not correct.  Romo wore blue and gray in college."

[Jessica] "Yeah, he's not really legendary.  More of a choke artist if you ask me."

[Wolf] "Who is Troy Aikman?"

[Alex] "Correct!  Also acceptable would be Roger Staubach."

[Obama, really upset] "Hey judge!" [trying to sound like Heath Ledger] "Why so tighta[bleep]?  I bet when you fart it sounds like a dog whistle!"

[Alex] "Sir, this is family programming.  Please don't make us bleep you out."

[Obama] "Really?  You're fu[bleep]ing my bleedin' a[bleep]s  with a cactus!  That's what I think!" [Yells into crowd] "Hey, Rahm!  Find out who this judge guy is and give him the full Joe-the-Plumber treatment.  I want you to totally Roto-Rooter him!"

[Alex, unsettled] "Wolf, please select a category."

[Wolf] "Catch some Zzz's for $200, Alex"

[Alex] "This semi-autonomous region of East Africa is noted for its spices and its involvement in the shortest war ever, lasting only 38 minutes."

[Obama] "What is Zambia?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect."

[Obama] "Hey, I know what I'm talking about, here!  I know all about east Africa!  Zambia is right next door to Kenya where I was bor... Ah, scratch that.  Nevermind."

[Wolf] "What is Zaire?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect.  Jessica?"

[Jessica] "What is Zanzibar?"

[Alex] "Correct!  I must ask, how did you know that?"

[Jessica] "I just got this really cool lipstick in the color of Zanzibar Red.  I didn't know what Zanzibar was, so I google'd it.  Just yesterday, in fact.  Yay!"

[Alex] "Jessica, select a category"

[Jessica] "I'll take The Rennyscience for $200"

[Alex] "I'm pretty sure I know what you meant, so here's the answer: This artist spent years on his back painting the Sistine Chapel."

[Obama] "Who is Maya Angelou?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Close enough."

[Obama] "What's the matter, judge?  Check didn't clear?  Thank you very little!"

[Intolerably long scene of dumb answer after dumb answer deleted for your sanity......]

[Alex] "Mr. President, you have shattered the previous record for greatest deficit in one game, $336,000.  Normally we'd allow you $1000 to compete in Fnal Jeopardy, but we just can't afford to give you any more money."

[Omama pouts]

[Alex] "Wolf, you, too are in the hole by quite a bit.  I think we should just skip Final Jeopardy and declare Jessica Simpson our new champion, with a grand total of $200.

3 comments:

  1. What did she give Alex for that? Everyone knows that ZERO gives better H _ _ _.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So fun and creative! Of course obummer thinks every answer is about him! Cloven lord of the underworld...that's pretty priceless and spot on.
    I'm glad Jessica Won, cap'tn zero has won about enuf in my book.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dang! I must have missed this one. :-(

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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