[Jeopardy! music plays]
[Announcer] "Here's Alex Trebec!"
[Alex] "Welcome to a very special Celebrity Jeopardy! Let's meet today's contestants, and find out which charity they are playing for."
[Obama] "Hi. I'm, uh, the President of the US. I'm playing for ACORN, since their funding has really gotten hammered lately. Hopefully I can help them out."
[Jessica Simpson] "Hi, I'm Jessica. I can't remember the name of the foundation I'm playing for, but they help models and actresses afford lots of new shoes. It's a very good cause."
[Wolf Blitzer] "Hi, I'm Wolf. I'd just like to thank the Jeopardy! studios for allowing me a second shot at this. When I was last here, I had taken far above the recommended dosage of cough syrup and it really hurt my play. I hope to do better this time, and I'm playing for the National Association of Self-Loathing Jews Who Can't Score with Women."
[Alex] "Very well. Let's reveal today's categories: The Rennaisance, Me First - where the correct response will begin with the letters "emm eee", US Constitution, Catch Some Zzzs, Famous Texans, and finally Rivers of the World. Mr. President, select first."
[Obama] "Oooh! Me First for $200, Alex!"
[Alex] "This cloven-hoofed ruler of the Underworld..."
[Obama] "ME! Who is Barack Hussein Obama!"
[Alex] "Sorry, that's incorrect. We're looking for a question that starts with M E. Anyone?"
[Wolf] "Who is Medusa?"
[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect, but you're on the right track. Jessica?"
[Jessica] "As if!"
[Alex] "Mr. President, select again."
[Obama] "Oooh! Oooh! ME First for $400, Alex"
[Alex] "This geological era forms the bridge between the Cenozoic and the Paleozoic."
[Obama] "ME! Who is Barack Hussein Obama!?"
[Alex] "Incorrect. Anyone else?" [silence] "We were looking for 'mesozoic.' Mr. President, you don't seem to understand the way the questions in this category work. Each correct..."
[Obama, angrily interrupting] "Listen, Alex, I know what "ME FIRST!" means. This is just a bunch of racist junk to make me look bad."
[Alex] "Sir, I assure you that is not the case. When, and I do say 'when' not 'if' one of the white contestants says anything as absurd, I'll give them appropriate scorn as well. Select again."
[Obama] "Famous Texans for $200"
[Alex] "This legendary quarterback traded his blue & gold collegiate colors for the lone star of Dallas"
[Obama] "Who is Tony Romo?"
[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Sorry, that is not correct. Romo wore blue and gray in college."
[Jessica] "Yeah, he's not really legendary. More of a choke artist if you ask me."
[Wolf] "Who is Troy Aikman?"
[Alex] "Correct! Also acceptable would be Roger Staubach."
[Obama, really upset] "Hey judge!" [trying to sound like Heath Ledger] "Why so tighta[bleep]? I bet when you fart it sounds like a dog whistle!"
[Alex] "Sir, this is family programming. Please don't make us bleep you out."
[Obama] "Really? You're fu[bleep]ing my bleedin' a[bleep]s with a cactus! That's what I think!" [Yells into crowd] "Hey, Rahm! Find out who this judge guy is and give him the full Joe-the-Plumber treatment. I want you to totally Roto-Rooter him!"
[Alex, unsettled] "Wolf, please select a category."
[Wolf] "Catch some Zzz's for $200, Alex"
[Alex] "This semi-autonomous region of East Africa is noted for its spices and its involvement in the shortest war ever, lasting only 38 minutes."
[Obama] "What is Zambia?"
[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect."
[Obama] "Hey, I know what I'm talking about, here! I know all about east Africa! Zambia is right next door to Kenya where I was bor... Ah, scratch that. Nevermind."
[Wolf] "What is Zaire?"
[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect. Jessica?"
[Jessica] "What is Zanzibar?"
[Alex] "Correct! I must ask, how did you know that?"
[Jessica] "I just got this really cool lipstick in the color of Zanzibar Red. I didn't know what Zanzibar was, so I google'd it. Just yesterday, in fact. Yay!"
[Alex] "Jessica, select a category"
[Jessica] "I'll take The Rennyscience for $200"
[Alex] "I'm pretty sure I know what you meant, so here's the answer: This artist spent years on his back painting the Sistine Chapel."
[Obama] "Who is Maya Angelou?"
[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Close enough."
[Obama] "What's the matter, judge? Check didn't clear? Thank you very little!"
[Intolerably long scene of dumb answer after dumb answer deleted for your sanity......]
[Alex] "Mr. President, you have shattered the previous record for greatest deficit in one game, $336,000. Normally we'd allow you $1000 to compete in Fnal Jeopardy, but we just can't afford to give you any more money."
[Alex] "Wolf, you, too are in the hole by quite a bit. I think we should just skip Final Jeopardy and declare Jessica Simpson our new champion, with a grand total of $200.