Thursday, November 12, 2009

Barry difficult decisions

President Obeyme is stooped over the large two-panel map from the original RISK boardgame, which is spread over his Oval Office desk. An assortment of multisided D&D dice and some green plastic army men occupy various regions on the map. Rahm Emanuel enters.

[Rahm] "Sire, may I inquire as to what you are doing?"

[Obama] "Wargaming the various strategies for the War on Terror overseas contingency operations that deal with man-caused disasters."

[Rahm] "Excellent, m'lord. The people will be glad to know you are hard at work. What are you finding?"

[Obama, getting testy] "What I'm fiiiiinding, is that it is really stinkin' hard to come up with a policy that doesn't tick people off. I'm getting tired of so many people being upset at me all the time. I want to be universally adored like I was a year or so ago. I have to, repeat, HAVE TO find a course of action that solves this dilemma while making me look good to everybody."

[Obama] "Oooh! I have an idea!" [Rearranges toy troops and rolls dice] "Dang! That won't work either! If I try that, my Elvish Paladin fails his saving throw and gets shot in the face by a taliban tribesman, losing 10 Approval Points off the daily tracking poll. Not good..."

[Biden, entering] "Hey guys!"

[Rahm grits teeth]

[Biden, jovially] "So, President 'Present!' have you finished dithering around on this decision yet?"

[Obama] "Joe, I don't appreciate your casual attitude about this. This is serious. We're talking about my credibility, here."

[Biden] "And a lot of troops' lives"

[Obama] "Well, that too, I suppose. So, either offer something constructive or go away to a fundraiser or something."

[Biden] "OK, your advisors are making it harder than it needs to be by offering too many options. There really are only four:
1. Pull troops out. This will win you favor with the peacenik left and with muslims in general. At least until the muslims feel like attacking us again. But that's another topic all together.
2. Pour more troops in. This will win you favor with the right and maybe you'll even get bin Laden. Imagine the accolades you'd get for that! And then you can give him a fair trial and let him off on a technicality.
3. Lastly, you could do a George Bush and 'stay the course.' "

[Obama] "Do not speak the words of The Boooosh in my presence!!"

[Biden] "Sorry sir, but by doing nothing for 70-odd days now, that's pretty much what you're doing. You're sticking to a course that obviously isn't working very well, with no clear mission. You're staying the course. You're pulling a dubya right here in front of everybody.

[Obama, lip quivering in shock, hands trembling] "Uh, uh, uh...I..I've... become my own worst nightmare!"

Obama breaks down sobbing.

[Rahm, trying to be comforting] "Sire, I've arranged for a week-long trip to Asia. There you can apologize to literally billions of people whom we haven't apologized to yet."

[Obama, with hopeful tone] "Really?"

[Rahm] "Yes, sire! Japan, China, Singapore, S. Korea and some others. Maybe you can even apologize to the Japanese for us beating the crap out of them for no good reason back in the '40s!"

[Obama] "Yes! Yes! Yes! I love it! I feel better already! Afghanistan decisions can wait!"


  1. Capt. ZERO says, "Afghanistan can wait, I haven't apologized for dropping 2 A-bombs yet ... OH BOY!"

  2. So, the World Capitulation Tour part 2 is set to begin!

  3. This is not "too funny", it's THREE FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I can hear the voices characterized, this would be so great as an ongoing skit somewhere.

    Great blogging, O Man with No Name!

  4. How DO you get this inside information, the subtle inner workings of hope and change??? Enquiring minds want to know!

  5. Thanks guys. Velcro, I think the sleep deprivation heightens my ESP and allows me to sense what's going on at great distances. Either that or it just makes me kind of loopy.

  6. Nice, although in real life I think Obama does a lot more sobbing.

  7. so biden really is the smart one. whodathunk it?

  8. Ho's clamp...that's awesome for Great Reader to have dreamed up, and for you to have won IOTW's contest, hands down, dood.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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