The Man(?) behind the UN IPCC

The claim:  This fellow is a Nobel Peace Prize recipient and in charge of the UN Global Warming committee. 

Actually, that's pretty believable.  But I think it is more believable that this is actually Gene Simmons after he fell asleep in the tanning booth.  Or a guy wanting a cameo in a Geico caveman ad.  I've seen that suit before, too - the props guy from Miami Vice wants it back, pronto.  Then again, maybe he's Gimli the Dwarf out of those LotR movies.  Dunno.  What I do know, is that while crazy hair worked on Einstein, buddy, this asymmetical 2-tone combover thing is way, way bad.  Get thee to a sheepshearer apace!

Suddenly the missing climate data makes sense, too - I think our perp here rolled a really giant J with the papers and started blazing.  Seriously, look at those eyes and try to convince me that he's not responsible for a whole lot of  bongbowl warming. 

Oh, what?  I'm childish for making petty remarks about his appearance?  Well, neener-neener to you.  The guy is full of crap from stem to stern.  How many people have starved or died from lack of medicine because precious resources have been diverted to combat a non-existent climate problem?  How many hospitals or water treatment plants could have been built with the billions of bucks whizzed down the drain of AGW?  The sickening part of the whole AGW movement isn't just that it'll cripple economies to the supposed benefit of the developing world.  The worse part of it is the the developing world is run by thugs who seize everything for themselves.  Whatever wealth gets "redistributed" to these poor nations won't help one bit with the problems facing the ordinary people living there.  It'll just get their dictators a few new palaces.  Spit.

Barry questionable answers

[Jeopardy! music plays]

[Announcer] "Here's Alex Trebec!"

[Alex] "Welcome to a very special Celebrity Jeopardy!  Let's meet today's contestants, and find out which charity they are playing for."

[Obama] "Hi.  I'm, uh, the President of the US.  I'm playing for ACORN, since their funding has really gotten hammered lately.  Hopefully I can help them out."

[Jessica Simpson] "Hi, I'm Jessica.  I can't remember the name of the foundation I'm playing for, but they help models and actresses afford lots of new shoes.  It's a very good cause."

[Wolf Blitzer] "Hi, I'm Wolf.  I'd just like to thank the Jeopardy! studios for allowing me a second shot at this.  When I was last here, I had taken far above the recommended dosage of cough syrup and it really hurt my play.  I hope to do better this time, and I'm playing for the National Association of Self-Loathing Jews Who Can't Score with Women."

[Alex] "Very well.  Let's reveal today's categories:  The Rennaisance, Me First - where the correct response will begin with the letters "emm eee", US Constitution, Catch Some Zzzs, Famous Texans, and finally Rivers of the World.  Mr. President, select first."

[Obama] "Oooh!  Me First for $200, Alex!"

[Alex] "This cloven-hoofed ruler of the Underworld..."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!"

[Alex] "Sorry, that's incorrect.  We're looking for a question that starts with M E.  Anyone?"

[Wolf] "Who is Medusa?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect, but you're on the right track. Jessica?"

[Jessica] "As if!"

[Alex] "Mr. President, select again."

[Obama] "Oooh! Oooh!  ME First for $400, Alex"

[Alex] "This geological era forms the bridge between the Cenozoic and the Paleozoic."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!?"

[Alex] "Incorrect.  Anyone else?" [silence] "We were looking for 'mesozoic.'  Mr. President, you don't seem to understand the way the questions in this category work.  Each correct..."

[Obama, angrily interrupting] "Listen, Alex, I know what "ME FIRST!" means.  This is just a bunch of racist junk to make me look bad."

[Alex] "Sir, I assure you that is not the case.  When, and I do say 'when' not 'if' one of the white contestants says anything as absurd, I'll give them appropriate scorn as well.  Select again."

[Obama] "Famous Texans for $200"

[Alex] "This legendary quarterback traded his blue & gold collegiate colors for the lone star of Dallas"

[Obama] "Who is Tony Romo?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Sorry, that is not correct.  Romo wore blue and gray in college."

[Jessica] "Yeah, he's not really legendary.  More of a choke artist if you ask me."

[Wolf] "Who is Troy Aikman?"

[Alex] "Correct!  Also acceptable would be Roger Staubach."

[Obama, really upset] "Hey judge!" [trying to sound like Heath Ledger] "Why so tighta[bleep]?  I bet when you fart it sounds like a dog whistle!"

[Alex] "Sir, this is family programming.  Please don't make us bleep you out."

[Obama] "Really?  You're fu[bleep]ing my bleedin' a[bleep]s  with a cactus!  That's what I think!" [Yells into crowd] "Hey, Rahm!  Find out who this judge guy is and give him the full Joe-the-Plumber treatment.  I want you to totally Roto-Rooter him!"

[Alex, unsettled] "Wolf, please select a category."

[Wolf] "Catch some Zzz's for $200, Alex"

[Alex] "This semi-autonomous region of East Africa is noted for its spices and its involvement in the shortest war ever, lasting only 38 minutes."

[Obama] "What is Zambia?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect."

[Obama] "Hey, I know what I'm talking about, here!  I know all about east Africa!  Zambia is right next door to Kenya where I was bor... Ah, scratch that.  Nevermind."

[Wolf] "What is Zaire?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect.  Jessica?"

[Jessica] "What is Zanzibar?"

[Alex] "Correct!  I must ask, how did you know that?"

[Jessica] "I just got this really cool lipstick in the color of Zanzibar Red.  I didn't know what Zanzibar was, so I google'd it.  Just yesterday, in fact.  Yay!"

[Alex] "Jessica, select a category"

[Jessica] "I'll take The Rennyscience for $200"

[Alex] "I'm pretty sure I know what you meant, so here's the answer: This artist spent years on his back painting the Sistine Chapel."

[Obama] "Who is Maya Angelou?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Close enough."

[Obama] "What's the matter, judge?  Check didn't clear?  Thank you very little!"

[Intolerably long scene of dumb answer after dumb answer deleted for your sanity......]

[Alex] "Mr. President, you have shattered the previous record for greatest deficit in one game, $336,000.  Normally we'd allow you $1000 to compete in Fnal Jeopardy, but we just can't afford to give you any more money."

[Omama pouts]

[Alex] "Wolf, you, too are in the hole by quite a bit.  I think we should just skip Final Jeopardy and declare Jessica Simpson our new champion, with a grand total of $200.

Innomipoint contest, 11-30-09

I turned on blogger's "new post editor" so let's see if it barfs...

Original post w/ rules

Question #1:  '80s hair-metal music is

1. All-around vomit-inducing garbage that should never be played again.
2. There were a few good bands, but most stank like a warm day at the landfill.
3. Most of the music was good, with a few posers here and there.
4. Dude!  The '80s rule!  Dis on the hair bands at your peril!

Question #2:  What is the most asked-for thing on kid's letters to Santa this year?

1. A job for daddy
2. A new video game console
3. A pony
4. A do-over on the 2008 elections.
   

Question #3:  Barney Frank, Chris Mathews, Al Gore and the ghost of Ted Kennedy are eating lunch at O'Bama's Olde Time Irish Bar and Grill.   Sarah Palin, Fred Thompson, Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney enter and wait to be seated.  What happens next?

Thanksgiving trevails

Ever see one of these?  Probably not.  It's a Mitsubishi Expo, and they were never all that popular.  Weird little wagon that looks like a minivan.  I own one.  Not exactly my dream car.  Mine's blue w/ dog claw scratches on the hood.  So, on Thanksgiving, we loaded up 5 adults, a 115lb dog, and a 105 lb dog for a 3.5 hour trip from Corvallis, OR to Medford, OR.  Ended up being a 4 hour trip 'cuz one of the occupants is pregnant.
Thanksgiving at brother-in-law's place was pretty decent.  Then on Saturday, it was time to return home.  With an EXTRA passenger. Thankfully he only needed a ride to Roseburg, which is about 1.5 hours from Medford.  Or 2 hours in pregnant-time (she never met a rest area she didn't like)  The Expo is designed to seat 7 (snugly!) so it was do-able as long as the folks in the middle row could tolerate the occasional doggie elbow shots to the groinal regions.  Unfortunately, some of our travelling party took ill over the weekend.  The weather wasn't so good, so the windows were up most of the time.  Yes, my Expo became a Mobile Germ Incubation Facility, like something Saddam Hussein would've thought up.  Some of these germs came home to roost within my person and I am presently achy and feverish as I type this.  (But I got another day off, so ya win some/lose some.)  We stopped in Roseburg to hand my nephew off to his mom.  We had agreed to meet at Shari's restaurant.  Everybody was complaining about the cramped conditions as we got closer. I tried to explain that "Roseburg is where Troy Polamalu grew up and went to high school! There's actually a pretty good chance that he's actually eaten in the restaurant we're about to visit!"  Nobody seemed to care except my wife, who has good taste in football.  The rest were like "Huh?  Who are you talking about?" but were seated too far behind me to taste my backhand.  Eventually we kicked li'l nephew out and the car went from stupidly crowded to merely crowded.  The rest of the trip was uneventful except for numerous wee-wee breaks.  Then the Polamalu-less and Big Ben-less Steelers blew it last night...  Time for more Ny-Quil.

PS - I know this is about as interesting as plain oatmeal.  Mostly I just wanted to test blogger's "read more" feature that I just enabled.

PPS - I don't see a "read more" anywhere.  Oh well.

Win Amazing Prizes!

OK, here's the deal. This is a real contest. There will be a real prize. Yeah, it won't be a million bucks. But it will be a real prize. Maybe a $20 gift card, something like that. I haven't decided yet. The contest will run until somewhere around the end of the year.

Here are the rules: Among the posts I put up, there will be ones with questions. Responses to the questions earn points. Your comment alone, even if it is hopelessly stupid, is worth one point - kinda like how putting your name on your SAT gets you points. Some questions will have point values openly associated with them. Here, a weaselly commenter could simply pick the answer with the highest value. But my readers aren't weasels; I'm confident in your honesty. Other questions will not have their points shown - only I will know. Yet other questions will be short answer/essay questions with purely subjective scoring. Just before the end of the contest, there will be a big-point Final Exam which could really shake up the rankings. I may also consider a booby prize for the one who chokes the worst. Correct answers will not be revealed until the end, allowing latecomers to go back to the beginning of the contest and catch up.

Why am I doing this? 'Cuz I really like my commenters. I don't get much traffic, but I get more comments than a lot of sites that get WAY more traffic. I think that is cool. Consider this contest a form of "thank you!" to everybody.

On to today's quiz!

Question 1. Do you own a multimeter?

1. "What's a multimeter?" (0 points)


2. "Yes, but I don't know how to use it" (-2 points)


3. "Yes. I use it regularly. (5 points)


4. "I used to. But I tried measuring innominatus' awesomeness and it blew up. (1 point. Don't be a suck-up)
5. "No." (2 points for honesty)

Question 2. How intelligent is President Obeyme?

1. Super smart. Like a mad scientist or 007 movie villain.


2. Pretty smart. Definitely above average.


3. Average at best. Definitely overrated.


4. He's about as sharp as the wilted broccoli that's been in my 'fridge for a month.

Question 3. Which is the greater myth: Anthropogenic Global Warming, or that the Stimulus has actually created jobs? Explain.

Success!

Thanks to the many who help and advised. Especially Mike, who provided a link to a tutorial that covered exactly what I wanted to do, sparing me many hours of manually fumbling around in the code. There have been some other changes:

• Turned on word verification. I was getting tired of spam comments telling me I need to take more vitamins.


• Added to the blogroll. This is still a work in progress. If you're not listed and you'd like your link to be seen by literally dozens of readers each day, lemme know. For the right amount of money I'm sure I can squeeze ya in.


• Above the blogroll is a new feature that I'll be starting soon. Win amazing prizes!

Anyway, if things look at all screwy in your browser, please advise ASAP. Now that the 3-column ordeal is over, I can hopefully get to work on some actual posts. Thanks.

Working on 3-column layout

Dunno what resolutions y'all are running, and whether you see a lot of wasted space in this present template. I see a lot. And I don't like it. So I'm fiddling off-line with some 3-column layouts. I have a little mini-blogroll of just blogs that concentrate on humor, but I'd like to be able to show the others I regularly visit. And I have a little "game" in mind that needs some space. Three columns looks like the best way to make that happen.

Hopefully my stone-age html skills are up to the task and I can get it all done quickly.

UPDATE:
Thought I had made good progress so I switched over. Briefly. Ended up screwing it all up and went back to old layout. I'm a compulsive code whittler. I hate redundancies and meaningless comments. I probably got a little frisky with deleting stuff. Clobbered the SiteMeter for a while, too. So Nappy and Holder had a couple hours to snoop my stuff and look for secret code words and not leave a trace. Hint to Nappy and Holder: "Obama is a doofus" is not a coded phrase.

Inquiring minds are confused

There isn't enough time to take a meaningful nap before the Beavers play WSU. So, I'm trying to stay awake a little longer. In the midst of my sleep-defying deep meditations, I've encountered a question I just can't answer. I know I could probably go to ask.com or somesuch, but hey, when we add the collective IQ's of your humble blogger together with his readers, I'm pretty sure we break into the triple-digits. So I'll ask you instead:

I don't like my coffee scalding hot. It needs to be cooled off just enough to be chuggable. (Wow, "chuggable" passes the spellcheck!) I cool it off with milk. I make it brutally strong so that after being diluted by the cooling milk, it still retains some oomph. Today I used chocolate milk instead. The store-bought kind in a jug, not the Nestle's Quik. I don't really like my coffee as well that way, but the chocomoo was getting near the ick date so I figured I better hurry up and use it. The stuff has been in the 'fridge for better than a week and hasn't settled at all. Yet when I mix it in the coffee, the cocoa precipitates out in the bottom of the cup. A surprising amount of it, in fact. Nice thick layer of black slurry at the bottom of the mug. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm. But what's the deal, science-wise? Upon whom should I assign blame? Is this actionable in court? Is it just a case of the cocoa getting all tribalist and refusing to assimilate?

PS - Don't blame barry. I know it wasn't him. He's been too busy golfing today to have had enough spare time to mess with me like this. Plus, based on his lack of solutions to our nation's problems, I doubt if he even knows the difference between a colloid and a solution.

Oprah is teh smart!

Imagine how silly Oprah would look if her show was On-Air at the time of the Great Fiery Mayan Calendar Flip of Doom in 2012! Seriously, what kind of TV ratings can anybody, even Oprah, expect to get when all the viewers are busy dodging inbound meteorites and rising lava? Her insightful decision to pull the plug on her show in 2011 reveals great wisdom and an impeccable sense of timing. Kudos!

Most Barryful Time of the Year

[Obama] "Hey! Who's there?"

[Ghost #1] "Barry, I am the ghost of Presidencies Past."

[Obama] "You look kinda like Reagan. Go away."

[Ghost] "No, Barry, I have some things to show you."

Nearby, a sleep apnea machine makes Darth Vader noises as it clings to the face of a slumbering Michelle. Barry feels himself leaving his body and taking on a ghostly form.

[Ghost] "Don't be alarmed. You're going to have a vision."

[Obama] "The only nighttime visions I have are of cute little Brazilian chicas with nice hardware. Knock it off and let me sleep. I've been under a lot of stress and I need the rest."

[Ghost] "No, Barry. You're coming with me for a while." [Ghost takes a firm grip of spectral Barry and gives him a yank] "Let's go."

[Obama] "Michelle, wake up! You gotta help me!"

Michelle does not respond. The Ghost of Presidencies Past drags an unwilling Obama back to Berlin in the '80s...

[Ghost] "Have you seen this wall before?"

[Obama] "Yeah, some pictures. I think they left a piece of it standing as some kind of sad memorial. I liked it better when the wall was still standing. Now East Germany has been absorbed by the capitalist West and the whole thing is a mess."

[Ghost] "This is where I told Gorby to tear the wall down. You have been playing footsie with the Evil Empire. Socialism worldwide is on the decline. Even the squishy euros are realizing that it is untenable. You are on the wrong side of history. It will not end well for you."

[Obama] "That's only 'cuz they've never had somebody as smart as me running their lives. If I had been born 20 years sooner, I could have saved them from these troubles. You just watch. I'm going to prove you wrong, wrong, wrong."

[Ghost] "It is evident that you just don't get it. I am wasting my time." [Ghost snaps his fingers and Barry returns to present reality.]

[Obama, sitting up in bed, startled] "Whew! It was just a dream!"

The following night, Obama is again visited...

[Ghost #2, looking like George Soros] "Barry, it's me! I'm the Ghost of Presidencies Present! I have great things to show you!"

[Obama] "Oh, hey! Whassup?"

[Ghost #2 takes Obama by the hand and leads him to North Korea]

[Obama] "This is cool! I've only seen pictures, but it looks even better in real life! I gotta hand it to Li'l Kim, he sure knows how to run a country and redistribute wealth."

[Ghost #2] "My student, you are learning well. Soon you will have this kind of power. All it will cost you is the wealth of your country - given to me. I will be the first trillionaire, and you will be the first Exalted World Ruler!"

[Obama] "Oh, that day can't come soon enough for me! Bring it on!"

[Ghost #2] "Patience, my student. Patience. That has always been your weakness. But I will train you well. Let us return..." [Ghost #2 snaps fingers, Obama returns to peaceful sleep]

[Ghost #2, under his breath as he looks down an a content Barry] "What a maroon. He believes everything I tell him. Bwaaahaaahaaaa!"

The next day, there is yet another visitor...

[Ghost #3, looking like Sarah Palin] "Mr. President, I am the Ghost of Presidencies Future. I have much to show you."

[Obama] "Gaah! Get out of here! Rahm, get in here and deal with this!"

[Ghost #3] "Rahm isn't here. He can't hear you."

[Obama] "Nonsense! Rahm is always there for me!"

[Ghost #3] "Not this time. It is just the two of us. I will show you the future."

[Obama] "Rahm! I don't know what you're fertilizing the arugula with, but it is giving me nightmares!"

[Ghost #3] "This isn't a nightmare, it's more of a vision..."

[Obama] "You mean I'm trippin'? No way. I don't do that anymore. Last time I tried that I woke up with Larry Sinclair's face in my lap and my butthole felt weird. There's no way!"

[Ghost #3] "TMI!! TMI!!"

[Obama] "Yeah, I didn't like it much, either. So let's just not and say we did."

[Ghost #3] "You must see. You must see." [Ghost #3 takes Barry by the wrist and whisks him into the future]

[Obama] "What's with that huge crowd in the National Mall?"

[Ghost #3] "That's the crowd of admirers at my third re-election party."

[Obama] "Whaaa?"

[Ghost #3] "Yep! You screwed things up so badly that you lost congressional majorities in 2010 and I stomped you in 2012. With my mandate, I got term limits imposed on congress. So all your old allies are now out picking beans."

[Obama] "Seriously?"

[Ghost #3] "You bethca!"

[Obama] "Who's that?"

[Palin] "That's your youngest daughter. It's prom night, but nobody would ask her out because you are universally despised. So she's all alone and crying."

[Obama] "Me? People hate me? That can't be."

[Ghost #3] "Oh, for sure. Your wife left you. Your kids talk smack about you. Even Iran used to talk smack about you, before I nuked them into silence."

[Obama] "I can't let this happen! What can I do? Please tell me it is not too late!"

[Ghost #3] "No, there's still time. All you have to do is fire all your commie czars, balance the budget, and drill for oil everywhere. You pretty much have to become the opposite of you."

[Obama] "Dang. I really, really like me. I don't know if I can do that!"

[Ghost #3] "OK, then! See ya in 2012!"

Count the change!

Every last convenience store in my town is now owned by [insert racial stereotype here]. In every last convenience store in my town, the cashiers have ceased the time-honored tradition of counting back my change. Coincidence? Counting back change isn't very hard. I can do it, and I'm not a even a real cashier. I'm what a lot of people would consider a dumb mouth-breathing gap-toothed redneck. But I can still do it.

Remember how it used to work? Say your purchase came to $5.83 and you paid with a $20. The cashier would say "$5.83, out of a twenty. $.17 [drops change in your hand] makes $6, four $1's [puts four singles in your hand] makes $10, and $10 more [drops $10 bill in your hand] makes $20. Have a great day!"

Nowadays, the [insert racial stereotype here] has a disordered stack of bills stretched taut between his hands, with a little pile of coins on top. Then the [insert racial stereotype here] wordlessly attempts to put the whole jumbled mess in my hand all at once, being extra careful to avoid any accidental skin contact - as though I might have some form of cooties. OK, buddy, that feeling is mutual. But now I have to wonder if the right amount is there. I also have to figure out how to get the pile of coins off the stack of bills without dumping them all over the counter, which I'm not usually successful at. Then I have to count and face all the bills before they go in the wallet - I guess I'm just fussy that way.

The whole thing becomes an ordeal that I'd rather just do without. But overpaying for a stale Hostess apple pie at a convenience store is about as American as apple pie, so I keep going back and the cycle continues. What am I to do?

Dank you beddy mush, sir!

The vermin shalt perish

Not feeling very good. Don't know if I'll be able to live up to my average of about .84 posts/day. But it isn't all bad news. The mouse that has been pooping on my desk in the shop area has been bested. He died from lack of healthcare coverage and nutri-grain-bar-baited mousetrap, but mostly nutri-grain-bar-baited mousetrap.

If you're ever lacking for cheese or peanut butter, the corner of one of these is sweet, yummy death to bug-eyed rodents:
-----------------------

Yes, Amusing Bunni, the mouse was kind of cute.

Weird radio silence

I was listening to Michael Savage this afternoon at work, when he took a call from a fired-up New Yorker who had quite a little rant going on. The caller said something about guns, and Michael said "If they come for the guns..." at which time the radio went silent for about five seconds.
So, was it:

1. A momentary problem with my radio?


2. A momentary problem with the local broadcaster?


3. A momentary problem in Savage's studio?


4. Savage getting a little carried away so his producer muted him for a sec?


5. Big Brother interfering with a lawful transmission, because its message was "unsettling" to the bloated liberty-crushing weasels in DC?

I don't know. But the timing of it was very strange. My hunch is tha





er. I'm glad to have a forum like this where I can air my thoughts. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Sweet Maersk Alabama

OK, I used to think that American liberals were the dumbest subspecies of humanity. Somali pirates have toppled them from that lofty perch to claim the title. Seems like that Navy SEAL sniper fire would've taught them not to mess with US-flagged vessels, but dumb people don't learn as quickly as the rest of us. That's how we classify them as dumb.

See, the Maersk Alabama had armed security on board this time, who opened fire when the little Somali speedboat was about 300 yards away. The pirates turned tail and there were no casualties among the Maersk Alabama crew. Heehee.

Please note the conspicuous lack of committee meetings, judicial proceedings, and UN Resolutions. Just good guys with guns shooting at bad guys. Compare and contrast with a British response to another piracy event the other day.

USA! USA! USA!

KSM has a barry nice day

President Obama is reclined in his seat aboard Air Force One, between legs of his Asian Gaffe Tour. He turns on the TV and sees Attorney General Holder giving an interview.

[Holder, on TV] "...so we decided to bring Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to New York for a criminal trial in a civilian court."

[Obama] "What!?! Not yet!! Not right after the Ft. Hood man-caused contingency!!"

[Interviewer, on TV] "This 'we' you speak of, who is this? The President? The Governor of NY?"

[Holder] "Nah, neither of them. My wife and I talked about it over a nice Chianti. We both thought it was a good idea."

[Interviewer] "But, shouldn't you have, um, maybe consulted with others in the administration?"

[Holder] "Nope. I'm the Attorney General. That means I'm an attorney and I'm a general. When it comes to justice, I give the commands around here."

[Obama, into cellphone] "Joe, CinC here. We have a major SNAFU. Situation FUBAR. AG EH decided to bring KSM to NY for CCP. We're in some real deep sierra."

[Biden] "Sir, I really don't understand what you're saying."

[Obama] "Sorry. I've been working on my acronyms. Ya know, trying to build a little cred with the military. Let 'em know I'm one of them, like, not a pushover. What that meant was that Holder wants to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in New York in regular ol' criminal court."

[Biden] "What's the big deal? Wasn't that always part of the plan?"

[Obama] "Yeah, but not mere days after that poor troubled soldier shot up Ft. Hood! We needed to give the dupes in flyover country a little time to digest before the media starts yapping about the alleged mastermind of 9/11. It isn't helpful having terrorism constantly on peoples' minds."

[Biden] "Right, right. So where do I fit in?"

[Obama] "You need to get down to Gitmo right away. You need to somehow convince KSM to waive his right to trial and just let us execute him."

[Biden] "He's already confessed and asked for death. I'm confused."

[Obama] "Da**it Joe, I'm confused, too! I've never run anything like this before, either! I'd go there myself, but I'm somewhere over the Pacific at about 40,000'. Not much I can do from here. I need you to think of something, and get down there."

[Biden] "Why don't you just confront Holder and tell him to knock it off?"

[Obama] "Have you ever seen Holder? I mean really looked at him? He's one scary dude! No way!"

[Biden] "Then why doncha just fire him?"

[Obama] "Look, the maintenance people still haven't finished cleaning the residue of greggycraig and Anita Dunn out from under the bus. There's just no way I could throw anybody else under there right now."

[Biden] "Why don't you just fly through the Panama Canal? I'm pretty sure Gitmo is in the Caribbean, which is by the Canal, which is by the Pacific. You could get there in no time."

[Obama] "Joe! I need you. Quit stalling, dithering and buck-passing! I need your foreign policy expertise. I need you to work your foreign policy magic on a foreigner who is being held on a foreign island. Joe, this is right up your alley. Get on it."

[Biden, dejectedly] "Aye, sir."

Vice President Biden arrives at Gitmo in a nondescript aircraft and enters the detention facility.

Biden enter's KSM's cell. KSM is seated on the floor with his hands cuffed in front of him. A pair of armed guards stands ready nearby.

[Biden] "KSM, I mean, Mr. Mohammed, I, uh. I'm. I'm just going to call you 'K', OK?"

[KSM] "Inshallah, I shall speet on your hairplugs!" [loud, loogie-building snort]

[Armed guard] "Not again!" [places pillowcase of KSM's head to prevent spitting]

[Biden] "K, take it easy. I'm here to get you out of this place. We're on the same side."

[KSM] "I shall put fire on all your country, inshallah!"

[Biden] "K. You gotta listen. I'm here from President Obama. He wants to get you out of here."

[KSM] "Death to heem! [Gesture of drawing scimitar, done awkwardly because of handcuffs] "Inshallah, I will put big kuh-nife" [swings imaginary scimitar] "across heez neck!"

Biden's cellphone rings.

[Biden] "Hello"

[Obama] "How is it going? Making any progress?"

[Biden] "No. I'm trying to be the nice guy, but he keeps making violent threats and talking about enchiladas. He's crazier than... than... oh, I dunno. But he's crazy and all this talk about enchiladas is making me crazy hungry."

[Obama] "Don't let the hunger distract you. If 'good cop' isn't working, then you better become the 'bad cop' and work it that way."

[Biden] "Roger." [Hangs up] "OK, K. There's something you need to understand. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way. I recommend the easy way. 'Cuz I was pretty good at football back when I was in high school, and you really don't want to see me get angry. I'll beat you like a rented halfback."

[KSM] "I bet your mother is sexy. Inshallah, I shall..."

[Biden] "Hey! Don't even start on my mom! Look, we're going to try you. We're going to find you guilty. Then we will execute you!"

[KSM] "Sound good to me. But first, I represent self and see all evidence against me and method used to get evidence against me which I send all to bin Laden. Then I claim no read rights. Then I claim tortured when confessing. I walk. Inshallah, I go free back to Waziristan and make plan to bring fire to all your country."

[Biden] "You don't get it. Even if you are acquitted, we'll just immediately re-arrest you and try you in military court, find you guilty, and execute you."

[KSM] "Still sound good to me. But I still send all info to bin Laden."

[Biden] "Dang it! Don't you want to die and meet your virgins now? Here, eat this!" [hands pill to KSM]

[KSM wolfs down pill] "Burp!"

[Biden] "There's enough cyanide in that pill to kill 10 men. You'll be dead inside of 30 seconds! Ha!"

5 minutes go by...

10 minutes go by...

[Biden] "Why aren't you dead?"

[KSM] "Taste good like almond."

[Biden] "How are you still living?"

[KSM] "In cave in Waziristan I live only on dried goat curd. This pill is good. Taste like almond. Would go good with dried goat curd, dried dates and dried honey. Yum! This pill like tic-tac after what I eat in cave in Waziristan."

Biden's phone rings again.

[Biden] "Hello"

[Obama] "Update?"

[Biden] "He ate the pill and he's still fine. Trying to poison him is not going to look good when we go to trial."

[Obama] "Yeah. Better head back to DC and act like it never happened."

My take on Obowma bowing to Akihito

Various pundits spent the weekend beating President Obowma up for bowing to Emperor Akhito of Japan. I, as usual, have to be the lone voice of reason. I, as usual, am the only one who really understands what is going on. I, as usual, will now tell you what really happened.

This is actually a major victory for Obowma. It is well understood that an American president bows to nobody, clearly making this bow insincere. It is rather like when I let my toddler-aged grandson beat me at wrestling: everybody knows I could beat him, so by letting him win I send a message of utter strength and confidence. He gets a good long giggle out of it, too, especially when I feign being in pain from his holds and throws. All because he is too young and lacking in nuanced thinking to realize that I am actually embarrassing him. He becomes a little toy to be trifled with for as long as he continues to amuse me and then unceremoniously handed back to grandma. Similarly, Obowma is toying with Akihito. He is saying "I am so dominant over you, I can bow like a wuss and still be the baddest man on the planet." Obowma is sending the world the unmistakable message that he, Obowma, is Undisputed and Undefeated Leader of the Free World, the not-quite-free-but-still-pretty-cheap world, the third world and even the turd world. Leaders in North Korea, China, Iran and Venezuela are no doubt rethinking their policies of antagonizing the United States. They quiver in fear at the thought of Obowma appearing in their countries and bowing to them. Expect Nork and Iranian nuclear programs to be cancelled in short order. China will stop poisoning us with lead-based paint on our toys. Osama bin Laden will come out of his cave with his hands up, saying (in Arabic, of course) "I geeve up! I surrender! Just please not to bow at me, O Mighty Obowma!" Even the glaciers will stop melting - if they know what is good for them. This was a great day in the history of America.

Empathy for Obama?

Sorry if that headline makes that stupid Stones "Sympathy for the Devil" pop into your head. But this morning before work my wife asks "I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner tonight. Do you want steak, pork chops, hamburger or chicken?"

And I just couldn't decide.

I wasn't hungry.

None of those options sounded very good at the moment.

There were four simple options presented to me, and I just couldn't make the call. I thought about saying "none of the above" but I knew that would just get me a stink-eye and probably no dinner at all. Suddenly I felt a strange kinship with our indecisive pResident. Then my wife gave me an eyeroll and just made the decision herself. I don't even know yet what she picked.

Obama, nobody is going to step in and make the decision for you. You wanted the job, you got the job, now do the job.

/end moment of empathy

Barry difficult decisions

President Obeyme is stooped over the large two-panel map from the original RISK boardgame, which is spread over his Oval Office desk. An assortment of multisided D&D dice and some green plastic army men occupy various regions on the map. Rahm Emanuel enters.

[Rahm] "Sire, may I inquire as to what you are doing?"

[Obama] "Wargaming the various strategies for the War on Terror overseas contingency operations that deal with man-caused disasters."

[Rahm] "Excellent, m'lord. The people will be glad to know you are hard at work. What are you finding?"

[Obama, getting testy] "What I'm fiiiiinding, is that it is really stinkin' hard to come up with a policy that doesn't tick people off. I'm getting tired of so many people being upset at me all the time. I want to be universally adored like I was a year or so ago. I have to, repeat, HAVE TO find a course of action that solves this dilemma while making me look good to everybody."

[Obama] "Oooh! I have an idea!" [Rearranges toy troops and rolls dice] "Dang! That won't work either! If I try that, my Elvish Paladin fails his saving throw and gets shot in the face by a taliban tribesman, losing 10 Approval Points off the daily tracking poll. Not good..."

[Biden, entering] "Hey guys!"

[Rahm grits teeth]

[Biden, jovially] "So, President 'Present!' have you finished dithering around on this decision yet?"

[Obama] "Joe, I don't appreciate your casual attitude about this. This is serious. We're talking about my credibility, here."

[Biden] "And a lot of troops' lives"

[Obama] "Well, that too, I suppose. So, either offer something constructive or go away to a fundraiser or something."

[Biden] "OK, your advisors are making it harder than it needs to be by offering too many options. There really are only four:
1. Pull troops out. This will win you favor with the peacenik left and with muslims in general. At least until the muslims feel like attacking us again. But that's another topic all together.
2. Pour more troops in. This will win you favor with the right and maybe you'll even get bin Laden. Imagine the accolades you'd get for that! And then you can give him a fair trial and let him off on a technicality.
3. Lastly, you could do a George Bush and 'stay the course.' "

[Obama] "Do not speak the words of The Boooosh in my presence!!"

[Biden] "Sorry sir, but by doing nothing for 70-odd days now, that's pretty much what you're doing. You're sticking to a course that obviously isn't working very well, with no clear mission. You're staying the course. You're pulling a dubya right here in front of everybody.

[Obama, lip quivering in shock, hands trembling] "Uh, uh, uh...I..I've... become my own worst nightmare!"

Obama breaks down sobbing.

[Rahm, trying to be comforting] "Sire, I've arranged for a week-long trip to Asia. There you can apologize to literally billions of people whom we haven't apologized to yet."

[Obama, with hopeful tone] "Really?"

[Rahm] "Yes, sire! Japan, China, Singapore, S. Korea and some others. Maybe you can even apologize to the Japanese for us beating the crap out of them for no good reason back in the '40s!"

[Obama] "Yes! Yes! Yes! I love it! I feel better already! Afghanistan decisions can wait!"

Vast Right Wing Exaggerations

Everybody, and I do mean everybody, on the right is running around saying that Obama is trying to utterly destroy the economy. From Limbaugh on down, alarmists are saying this. This is rubbish. This is foolish. This is irresponsible. This discredits our movement. This brings all of our positions - no matter how valid - into question.

Obama is not trying to utterly destroy the economy. He is not that cruel or malicious. He is merely trying to beat it to the very ragged edge of death until the bruised and confused electorate accepts that his euroweenie socialist agenda is the only way out! Is that so hard to understand?

So let us stop being alarmists. Let us speak the whole truth without outlandish overstatements. Agreed?

Be of good cheer!

Listen to the tide slowly turning
Wash all our heartaches away
We're part of the fire that is burning
And from the ashes we can live another day...

Seems like there's been some decent news today. Shall we recap? Yes, let's.

• Gallup reports that Republicans are leading in congressional polls for 2010. The word "permanent" in "Permanent Democratic Majority" seems to have lost some of its meaning with these jokers in charge. Hopefully we can soon get back to the Republican "slow trickle of arsenic" levels of waste instead of the current Democrat "RPG fired into your chest" levels of waste.


• DC Sniper's time of death 9:11 pm. Irony is a cruel taskmaster.


• Senator DeMint introduced a bill for congressional term-limits. Snowball/hell, I know, but the funny thing is that the idea is so popular that even bringing it up pretty much cements DeMint's re-election chances.


• Harry Reid about to punt on Cap-n-Tax to instead concentrate on a "jobs bill." I take that as an admission of guilt that Porkulus 1.0 has been a giant flaming worm-infested dung heap of a failure.


• Internal warfare going on in the democrat party - the psycho far lefty agitators are mad at the semi-psycho "moderate" lefties who didn't vote for BarryCare. Kinda like the roving bands of militant gays in SF who beat up ordinary homosexuals for not being "gay enough."

There's plenty more out there, but hey, I'm just one guy with a blog. They don't pay me enough to do any more than this. And if you're wondering why most of the links are the same ones HotAir is using, well, duh. That's where I stole most of them from. Al Gore told me when he invented the internet that it was specifically optimized for stealing. Kind of like his carbon offset business.

Distant hoofbeats of tyranny

Alert innominatus reader and generally far-above-average-guy aA points me at this Reuters article from last month. It describes a treaty being discussed among arms-exporting nations. "Interesting" that it hasn't gotten wider play in the media. Ya see, the totalitarian little dictators don't like their uppity little peons having guns. And squishy socialists don't like guns, mostly because they are loud and "scary" and the girly little socialists keep wrecking their manicures when trying to rack the slide on a 1911. So the totalitarian dictators and squishy socialists (but I repeat myself) got together a few years ago and tried to work out a treaty where all arms exporting countries would really get in there and extra-super-regulate the manufacture, sale, and transfer of firearms. Ostensibly to keep guns out of the hands of bad guys, but no doubt also making it way harder for ordinary Americans to obtain them. President Bush's response was a rhetorical "can you see my middle finger yet?" but of course Obama and SoS Clinton aren't so opposed and talks are being renewed.

So, when we put our ears to the ground (hey, did you know Obama can do that without even bending over?) we hear the distant hoofbeats of oppression bearing down on us. The enemy is still far off in the distance and there is no need yet of panic. The US, so far, is demanding conditions that will probably kill the thing. And even if it passed it wouldn't be implemented for a couple years. So it isn't panic time, it is preparation time. But the move is on and must not be ignored. Do you really think an international treaty regulating the transfer of firearms would only affect big export deals without mucking things up for Joe the Gun Enthusiast? Nah. Remember that treaties supersede the Constitution. If ratified, some totalitarian socialist with a bad haircut and a corner office at the UN would be in charge of deciding whether we were living up to our treaty obligations. That's a big bowl of scaryberries right there.

So, like I said, don't panic. Prepare. And think real hard about who your Senators are, because they are the ones who would ratify a treaty.

DC sniper die! die! die!

Virginia Governor (for a little while longer) and still DNC bigwig Tim Kaine finally did something right and denied clemency to the DC sniper who will be executed later today.

That right there makes me want to run for governor. It would be fun to wait 'til the needles are just going into the perp's arm and then call the emergency clemency phone. When the bad guy thinks he's just been spared I'd say "Oh, sorry! Wrong number! I was trying to order a pizza from Domino's and I must have mis-dialed. Carry on!"

Are ya serious??

Saw this pic in a "caption this" contest at JammieWearingFool. What the heck? Is there a wicked-strong headwing in her face? Trying to look like Grace Jones? Ace Ventura's hair was supposed to look stupid, yet isn't as bad as this. What is the thought process? Which of her many, many paid staffers looks her in the eye and says "you rook mahvelous!!!"?? Is it some kind of game? The fMSM incessantly reports on her beauty and grace, so maybe Michelle is funnin' them a little by seeing how ridiculous she can look and still get their praises? Dunno. Don't get it. One of you must have an answer. Please fill me in. Or at least tell me who/what she's trying to look like - so I can go to bed without my subconscious reaching erroneous and nightmarish conclusions...

Guest post by Barack H. Obamadinga

DEAR SIR,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

MY NAME IS BARACK H. OBAMADINGA al-GEBRA. I AM DEPUTY MINISTER OF PETROLEUM AND MINERALS OF AFRICAN NATION OF KENYA WHERE MY HALF-BROTHER YOUR PRESIDENT BORN. HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE KENYAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000,000 (FORTY SEVEN BILLION, FIVE HUNDRED MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) . PERHAPS YOUR HEARD OF SCAM MY COUSIN FROM NIGERIA MADE TO YOUR COUNTRY. I ASSURE THAT THIS IS NOT A SCAM.

ONE MONTHS AGO YOUR PRESIDENT FAILED TO ADEQUATE BRIBE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE IN COPENHAGEN. SOON MORE MEET IN COPENHAGEN TO DECIDE PAYMENTS FOR THE GLOBAL WARMING. YOUR PRESIDENT MUST NOT FAIL THE TWO TIMES BOTH IN COPENHAGEN. THIS TIME MY HALF-BROTHER YOUR PRESIDENT SUCCEED IN COPENHAGEN WITH YOUR HELP. PLEASE CONTACT THE ADMINISTRATION AND THE PELOSI TO ARGUE YES ON CLIMATE TREATY IN COPENHAGEN. THEN YOU CAN ALSO HELP WITH THE ABOVE TRANSFER OF WEALTH. AGAIN, THIS IS NOT A SCAM. THIS IS REPARATIONS FOR COLONIAL ERA EVILS TO MY COUNTRY AND THE CO₂ POLLUTION THAT MAKES IT HOT ALL THE TIMES IN MY COUNTRY IN KENYA. WITH YOUR HELP YOU WILL BE MADE PAY TO CORRECT THIS INJUSTICE AND STOP GLOBAL WARMING.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO ACCESS YOUR ACCOUNT. THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. YOU WILL HELP WITH TREATY SIGNING AND YOUR INCREASE TAX RATES. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US GOVERNMENT, 25% FOR POOR VICTIMS LIKE KENYA 5% FOR YOU FAMILY ALSO.

THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM THE DEPUTY MINISTER OF PETROLEUM AND MINERALS (MPaM) AND THERE NO CORRUPTION IN MY FINE COUNTRY. WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR SSN, YOUR TAX WITHHOLD STATUS AND POSTAL ADDRESS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR NATIONAL SOVEREIGNTY BUT MOST OF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS SO FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS STEP


PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS

Blog Post Status: Critical!!

Yay, I got the replacement Y-Axis driver card! I'm back in bidness! But I'm waaaay behind now. Not much time to write. The big issue of the day is the Ft. Hood shooting and having psycho muslims in our military. The only things I have to say on the issue are 4-letter words, and sometimes my friends from church check this blog. It would be, oh, just kinda, um, "awkward" on Sunday if I told you what I really think about the Ft. Hood attack, Obama's McTarded "shout out!" yesterday, and islam in general. So I'll write no more about it for now. Plus, like I said above, I'm too busy. I'm also heading out of town for most of the weekend and won't have any intertube access. All I have for ya right now is my quickuie 1000-word essay on islam:

Do the Hopey-Dopey

They put Zelaya in, they take Zelaya out,
Wet their finger in the wind then they wag it all about...
Wanna punch a Hopey Dopey, and then turn this thing around?
That's what it's all about!!

In Afghanistan we'll win, the troops will do without...

Ahh, there are way too many verses to that stupid song. Barry will find a way to rewrite every line of that song with his international wishy-washyness. Even "The Smartest Woman in the World^tm" Hillary Clinton blew it yesterday when she said Israel would have its capitol in East Jerusalem*. I know it was a slip-up, but I'm sure the Palestinians are now wondering what happened to all that hopenchange. Not that I care what the Palestinians think. But it is amazing how this administration has managed to PO enemies and allies alike. I'm reminded of a Bible verse:

Look now, you are depending on Egypt, that splintered reed of a staff, which pierces a man's hand and wounds him if he leans on it! Such is Pharaoh king of Egypt to all who depend on him.
2 Kings 18:20-22

Relying on Barry for anything will just get ya hurt. Just ask Zelaya, Corzine, the Poles and Czechs, our troops in Afghanistan, etc, etc, etc....
-------------------------------
*East Jerusalem is the disputed part of the city claimed by the Arabs but (rightfully) held now by Israel.

Stress!!

Stress! It's what's for lunch! I had some really deep thoughts regarding the elections last night, but I was really tired. I am also prone to procrastination. So I figured I'd sleep on it and post them between jobs today at work. Unfortunately, my main money maker (no, I'm not talking about my fabulous body) crapped out and left me scrambling. Y-Axis is having intermittent failures, and the motor is somehow getting a trickle of current even when the power supply is off. Can you spell S-H-O-R-T??

Anyway, there were three big elections last night. One violent stomping, one pretty solid win, and one disappointing loss. Even the loss was barely a loss in that there were really 3 possible outcomes: a conservative win, a democrat win, or a McNasty liberal RINO win. We got the dem, which I consider the middle choice. Easier to unseat a dem next year in the general than a RINO in the primaries. So we got 2 out of 3. Or even 2.5 out of three. But I don't think anybody ever wrote a song about two-and-a-half out of three. We'll settle for just 2:

Meat Loaf. It's what's for dinner.

Biden dumber than thought

Vice President Joe Biden today baffled scientists by shattering the theoretical limits of stupidity. Prior to today's events, it had been believed that this much dumb would not fit within the confines of a normal (?) human cranium. Having teased researchers for years with near-record levels of dumbassery, Joe's attack on Sarah Palin proves that the standard mathematical model - which has been used to predict democrat lunacy for decades - is hopelessly flawed.

"Our model for Joe had predicted a gradual tapering off of stupidity" said the lead researcher. "Picture the graph of a critically-damped oscillator. That's what was expected. Instead we got an inverted hockey-stick of stupidity which plunged rapidly toward negative infinity. Thankfully, we were able to disconnect our equipment before it was damaged" he continued. Then, realizing his commentary would go over the head of many, he said "Think of it like this: Harry Reid with that petition against Limbaugh. Obama tangling with Fox News. Whacking a hornet's nest with a yardstick. Pimp-slapping Darth Vader. That's the magnitude of doofus were describing here."