[MichelleO, into cellphone] "Barry, we got us some major problems!"
[Obama] "Oh no! What's up? Hijacked?"
[MichelleO] "No, fool! We touched down hours ago. But everything about this trip has sucked! You need to get your scrawny chicken-legged self over here ASAP!"
[Obama] "But, I, I, I have stuff I have to attend to. Afghanistan isn't going so good. I need to decide whether to send 5 more troops or only 3. And ACORN is getting beat up real bad. Real bad. I'm worried they're gonna sing."
[MichelleO] "Listen to me! Get yourself in that spiffy ride of yours and get on over here. They're seriously talkin' crap about having the 'lypics in Rio! I keep telling them, nah, nah, nah you're gonna have them in Chicago, but they keep saying Rio."
[Obama] "If I take the plane, they'll also have to send the backup plane, and all the comm gear, and, and, it'll just make me look stupid when I'm whining about global warming. You're going to have to just charm them yourself." [Romantic voice] "Babes, you are sooooooo beautiful. You are sooooooo charming. You can win them over. You don't need me."
[MichelleO] "I know I don't need you. But I was as nice as I know how to be. I only broke one chair the whole time. But they're going to give it to Rio! I don't care 'bout no global warming. I'm gonna warm your backside with my bare hand if you don't over here NOW! Are you the President of the World or not? Get over here and straighten these guys out!"
[Obama] "OK. I'm on my way. See ya in a few hours. Bye"
[MichelleO] "Don't you go hanging up on me! I ain't done talkin'!"
[MichelleO] "Right off the bat, things have gone bad. Me 'n Oprah were trying to enjoy the flight with some caviar, but the champagne wasn't hardly chilled at all. And there was a piece of arugula that wasn't crisp enough. And my staff of 24 aides and advisors just kept yakking the whole flight, and the beep-beep of their blackberries was driving me nuts. The wi-fi on board was sketchy, so it took a long time to check my Facebook. The Blu-Ray died so we had to watch the DVDs in standard def. Standard def! Can you believe this crap? Then when we landed, our private tour guide smelled kinda like funyons. And everybody here is pasty white and dressed like Dieter from Sprockets. It's nerd-o-rama here. Some of the streets aren't even paved, they got these lame-ass cobblestone things. I ordered wagyu beef, medium rare. I got wagyu beef, medium. Then they gave us a private tour of some big cathedral. They said Martin Luther himself once preached there. I told 'em straight up that the good Reverend King wouldn't waste his time preaching to all these wannabe bohemians. It's been one big pain in the butt. The most expensive sneakers I can find are Adidas, and they're only like 200 euros. What's that, about fifty bucks? I can't be seen in no $50 adidas! I'm just about sick of having to make all these
sacrifices. That's why YOU need to get over here!"
[Obama] "Dear, I really had no idea it would be such an ordeal. Let me be perfectly clear, this is not the trip to Denmark I used to know. I would never willingly subject you to such harsh treatments. Surely there has been at least one good thing to come of this. Right?"
[MichelleO] "Well, there was this one gypsy street vendor lady selling clothes. I bought this really cool dress. The print is fuschia, muave and chartuese, in this kinda funky cubist zebra stripe pattern. With bright orange piping on the seams. The belt is made of actual fishhooks. I'm gonna save it for the next formal event we attend. Like maybe a funeral."
[Obama] "See? Now why don't you just go slip into that sexy dress and I'll be there in no time!"