Thursday, September 10, 2009

How people really feel about BarryCare

The controversy surrounding BarryCare continues, despite Obama's address to the nation last night. Many people hold strong opinions and there seems to be an unresolvable impasse. The status quo is not acceptable, so I took it upon myself to conduct some "citizen journalism" and measure the true feelings of people in my community, that I might be better able to persuade others. Here's what I found...

Just outside of town, I met a hippie named Justin. Actually, he goes by some unpronounceable
Celtic name that means "servant of the earth" and rejects his given name. He was very enthused about BarryCare: "I already have my medical marijuana card. I already have the Oregon Trail (foodstamps -ed) card to buy my munchies on. But can you even believe how awesome it will be to have the government also pay for my weed?! Dude!"

I asked him if he would be willing to discuss the conditions he suffers that require the use of medical marijuana. He was more than willing. "Man, I'm like, so clinically depressed by what all the big corporations are doing to our planet. It makes me so sad that I want to just die and give my being back to the soil. But when I'm high, I forget about all that and write music instead. So my doctor said I need weed to cure my depressive, even suicidal behaviors. So far it is working, 'cuz, like, I'm still here. I even wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Hear it goes..."
I love Obama more than my mama
'Cuz he cares about my needs
Life with mama was nothing but drama
'Cuz she kept stealin' my weed

I think that was only the first of many verses to the song. Thankfully Justin just kind of nodded off after that. I then left him to guard the sacred forest in peace.

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Next up I encountered some SEIU members from SEIU Local 666 having the SEIU Local 666 Daily Summer Picnic. This picture of a picnicker was taken just before she (?) wiped sloppy joe off her fat lumpy face using the little flag as a napkin. Very nice. For the sake of your lunch, the most offensive parts of the photo have been blotted out. The picnickers were all wearing their "Yes on BarryCare" purple shirts, so I knew where they stand on the issue. What I didn't know was why. I asked the ogre with the sloppy joe, and she replied through a mouth full of food "Nom, nom, dunno. I just am. Burp. Maybe you should nom, nom, ask the union boss." The union boss just said "Gimme the d*mn camera, man! Shut that s**t off!" He would have likely given me an unholy beatdown if he could have just managed to get his oversize load off the park bench.

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Seeking more thoughtful and civilized discourse, I headed for the campus of the local university. I met Francis Figfiddler, Professor of Gender Studies. "I am elated that funding for abortions is included in the bill. It isn't enough to make abortion legal. What good is it to legalize something that is unaffordable?" he asked. Continuing, he said "My, this tweed jacket is warm today! But more and more of my students are confused about their gender orientation. I try to tell them 'duh! you're totally gay! why else would you even take a class like this?' but I think it needs to be reinforced by an actual clinical diagnosis. But being merely gay is pretty well in the mainstream these days. I encourage my students to go whole-hog and have the reassignment surgery. This procedure is very expensive and few have access to it. Once we stop caring so much about old people, more resources will be available for this crucial need. And maybe I'll finally get published and achieve tenure."

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From there I headed to the county fair. I was confident that I might find a diversity of opinion among the fairgoers. Just inside the gate I found that the Oregon Dairy Farmers Association booth was lining up contestants for their "Cheesiest Thighs" contest. If BarryCare covers liposuction and radical plastic surgery for people like this, that would persuade me to support it.

3 comments:

  1. Oh...the cheesy thighs... must... burn... eyes... out... with... acid... now!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Uh, maybe Holdren's mandatory sterilization plans are OK after all?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey, I for one am ecstatic that you would actually find it in your tiny, cold, recently attacked heart to be open minded enough to research this in the tradition of the classic journalist!

    If these are the only examples you can find, except of course for the County Fair contestant, then we should all be against BarryCare and the Care of the Future.

    But Justin DOES write a quality song!

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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