Discovered: Original Obama School Speech!

I cannot reveal my source, but the transcript of Obama's video message to the schools has become known to me. This is the original version - from before the recent uproar that made him produce the one full of vanilla platitudes about hard work and not being stupid on YouTube and Facebook.

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begin transcript

Friends, students, countrymen, lend me your ears! Because mine are almost as big and flappy as Roseanne Barr's boobs! [rimshot] [laughtrack]

But seriously, kids. I call you 'friends' because you mean a lot to me. And since you are my friends, that makes you a Friend Of Obama. Yes, a foo. So when somebody says 'shaddup, foo!' you can take that as a compliment. I always do. Because I am my own best friend. Sometimes in life things get hard, and you need a friend. I just look in the mirror or at one of those AP photographs that makes it look like I have a halo - and I see my own bestest friend, and it makes everything better. See, friends do things for each other - they help each other out. Since I am my own best friend, I do things that help me out. I don't worry too much about what happens to others. That is called self esteem, and self esteem is of utmost importance. So take a moment and just look at me, your friend and President, and realize, that you too are a foo. You can be just like me. Who wouldn't want that? Just imagine what that would do for your self esteem!

There are some people out there that aren't foos. They are bad people because they don't like me. They aren't foo'd by my speeches or my bailout money or any other foo'ish thing I do. That is sad. Everybody should be a foo. If your parents aren't foos, you should tell them "I'm a foo and you should be too!" If they don't like it, that's OK for now. We have most of their names and records in the fishyfile at the White House. When the swine flu gets bad (which will be real soon) and people need medicine, we'll look them up in the fishyfile. The people in the fishyfile will get the extra special medicine that will help them become foos. Soon there will be a lot more foos. Can you say "foo?" Sure ya, can. Say it. Saying it is fun. Be careful that you don't say it wrong, though. Some of you don't know how to talk good like me, and you might try to sound it out. Remember, it is only one syllable. If you sound it out wrong it might sound kind of like "eff" "ooh" which is incorrect. If you say it like that to me, that means you aren't a real foo.

It doesn't matter very much if a foo works hard in school. As long as you are a foo, I'll look out for you. That's what friends do. If you want, I can get you a job in government. Or if you don't want a job, I can just give you money. Either way, it's cool. You don't have to work hard or study hard. You just have to be a foo. Ever heard that cliché "it's not what you know, it's who you know?" Never has that been more true. If you're a big enough foo, I can even make you a czar! Do you know who else are really big foos? Yep, the leaders of the teacher's union. They really like me and I really like them. So if you don't want to work hard and study hard, at least be quiet and politely ignore your teacher so she doesn't have a bad day and complain to the union. Make her job easy. She is probably a foo, too, and she deserves to have it easy. If you ignore her and don't learn anything at all and get crappy test scores, that's OK. The low scores will show me that there are a lot of foos in your school and I'll send that school more money.

Well, kids, I hope you're all foos by now. I have to go get ready for my speech in front of the Joint Session of Congress. If I say a lot of things tomorrow that are like the opposite of stuff I just told you, don't worry. I'm just saying things to try to make more people foos. Peace, out.

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