Monday, September 14, 2009

Barry powerful protest

White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel spreads the slats on the window blinds to take another furtive peek out the window.

[Rahm, to himself] "Holy Mother of Gaia, they're still coming! There must be at least a hundred thousand so far, and the sun is barely even up! If this continues, there may be a million or more! Egads!"

[Obama, cheerful as he enters] "Rahmbo! How ya doing? It looks to me like the teeming hordes of Barryfans are extra-super envigorated today! You and Axelrod must have some pretty big plans!"

[Rahm] "Sire, those people... Sire, they're not here for you."

[Obama] "Whaddya mean? Why else would a million or more people show up in DC? It sure ain't 'cuz they want to pose in a close-up portrait with Pelosi!"

[Rahm] "I mean, Sire, that, um, yes, they are here for you, but kind of indirectly."

[Obama] "Cool! So you got something cool simmering in the TelePrompTer? I feel like addressing my fawning minions and giving them some of that rhetorical hope I'm so famous for."

[Rahm, getting nervous] "Sire, you misunderstand. These foolish people are here to protest your benevolent leadership. They are the ones that claim to prefer individual liberty over your wise and efficient big-government solutions. "

[Obama, getting riled] "There is simply NO WAY there are still that many racists in our country! I have done WAY too much racial healing for there to still be that many haters out there. There must be some other explanation."

[Rahm, knowing he's BSing but hoping Obama will believe him] "Well, um, it is possible that some far-right political organization may be paying them to partake in this evil scheme."

[Obama] "There aren't enough people in DC who would oppose me, at any price. Therefore, these must have been bused in. This would take a Ray Nagin-underwater-bus-fleet size of a bus fleet to move this many people. It shouldn't be hard to find where these buses are parked, and from there we can do a little CSI: DC action and figure out what's really going on. Get Marine One over here. We have us some airborne bus fleet recon to do!"

[Rahm] "Aye, Sire!"

The chop-chop of Marine One rotors are soon heard on the helipad, and Rahm and Barry get ready to board. Obama "snaps" a sloppy salute to the attending Marine officer as he heads up the steps to board.

[Rahm] "Sire?"

[Obama] "What?" [bonks head] "Oww! Da**it!"

[Rahm] "Sorry, sire. I was going to remind you to duck."

[Omaba] "Little sooner, next time. K?"

[Rahm] "Of course, m'lord."

The helicopter traverses the city in a standard search-and-rescue pattern, with both Barry and Rahm using binoculars to seek out the imagined fleet of buses.

[Obama] "There! Turn hard to the right! Or do I say hard a-port? What is the proper terminology on a Marine helicopter?"

[Rahm] "Sire, 'starboard' is 'right'."

[Obama] "Who is this starboard fellow? What is he right about?"

[Rahm] "Um, sire, 'starboard' is correct. 'Starboard' is 'right'.

[Obama, poised to backhand Rahm in the mouth] "Rahm! I know that correct and right are synonyms. I am not stupid. Skip the vocab lesson and tell me whether I should say 'port' or 'right'!"

[Rahm] "Uhh, I think 'right' is right."

[Obama] "Pilot! Turn right and take us lower!"

[Pilot obliges]

[Rahm] "Sorry, sire. Those aren't buses - you're seeing an RV dealership."

[Obama] "I coulda swore we made big gas hogging RVs illegal. Are you sure? And even if they are still legal, who could afford one after what we've done to the economy?"

[Rahm, trying to avoid the President's wrath] "Exactly, sire. That is why the lot is so full. None of the rich people who used to buy those monstrosities are rich enough any more."

[Obama] "Finally, some good news." [looking through binoculars] "Yoish, that's a huge crowd down there. And they're leaving very little litter behind. Are we sure this isn't some kind of environmental rally?"

[Rahm] "Quite sure, sire. When our friends were there back in January, the left a terrible mess. This is a very different crowd this time around."

[Obama] "Gack! Lots of those people have snakes on their flags! Why did it have to be snakes!? I hate snakes! Pilot, get us out of here!"

[Pilot] "Where to?"

[Obama] "Anywhere! Someplace where there aren't any snakes. Maybe Minnesota or something."

[Pilot] "Aye, sir!"


  1. well it's good to know he hates snakes. maybe i should be nice and invite him over.

  2. Glad I live where there are snakes. Reminds me, I have to feed mine tonight, and he likes RATS!

    Wait - isn't Minnesota the land of 10,000 snakes?

  3. [Obama, getting riled] "There is simply NO WAY there are still that many racists in our country! I have done WAY too much racial healing..."

    Great stuff!

  4. I wonder how many of those at his healthcare "rally" in Minnesota were bussed in and given a boxed lunch to attend?

  5. Too bad it wasn't February and his helicopter got stuck in a snow drift.

  6. Maybe a 24 hour telethon with Kanye West, Jeremiah Wright Jr, Oprah, Van Jones, and Jimmy Carter, all spouting words of wisdom can save Obama's ass?


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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