Tuesday, September 8, 2009

After the Big School Speech

MSNBC Studios, Hardball w/ Chrissy Matthews set.

[Matthews] "Welcome to Hardball with Chrissy Matthews. I am you host, Chrissy Matthews. It has only been a few hours since President Barack Obama's historic address to students all across America. What comes as no surprise, though, is the positive impact this momentous event is already having. We're joined in-studio by Myron Finkelstein, the 2nd Deputy Assistant Associate Vice Co-Director of the Department of Education. On the phone, we also have Duane Franklin, founder of the supposedly non-partisan group called 'Black Families for Effective Schools.' "

[Finkelstein] "Thank you, Chrissy"

[Franklin] "Thank you, Mr. Matthews. Good to be here."

[Matthews] "Mr. Finkl..."

[Finkelstein] "Call me Myron"

[Matthews] "Thanks, Myron. Is it true that... Wait a sec..." [holds finger to ear to better hear his earpiece] "This just in. American SAT scores are already improving. What's even more remarkable is that the SAT exams won't be held for some time, but the power of that speech is already affecting future events."

[Finkelstein] "Indeed, Chrissy. The President really knocked it out of the park today."

[Franklin] "Excuse me? You're giving the President credit for improving scores on exams that haven't even been taken yet?"

[Matthews] "Duh, of course! How else could you explain it? Myron, back to my previous..." [holds finger to ear again] "OK, more breaking news, this from the CDC: President Obama's encouragement to wash one's hands means millions of people will not get H1N1 today."

[Franklin] "This is ridiculous! Those kids aren't even home from school yet! They've only been around the same kids they've already been around all morning before the speech. How in the world could that prevent the spread of H1N1? And while H1N1 is spreading, how many people were going to catch it today? Maybe 5000, tops? So of course there were already millions who would not catch it today."

[Finkelstein] "You're right, Mr. Franklin. Because of the President's speech, millions of people will not catch H1N1 today."

[Franklin] "But that's not what I meant...grrrr... forget it. This is ridiculous."

[Matthews] "Myron, you have some other good news, don't you?"

[Finkelstein] "Certainly! According to the White House OMB, this speech has already created or saved over 250,000 graduations. Just like the stimulus, this speech is working even better than expected."

[Matthews] "Amazing!"

[Franklin] "I'm afraid to ask how you can claim that."

[Finkelstein] "Well, it is a very complicated model - rather like the climate models that tell us we're about to see unprecedented warming. It is very complicated and I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand. The short version is this: when you see some kid giving a valedictorian speech this June, thank Obama for giving the speech that kept that kid and thousands like him from dropping out."

[Franklin] "Why do you say I wouldn't understand the model? I have a Ph.D. and a Master's. Is it because I represent a group that is standing for black families?"

[Finkelstein] "It is very admirable that a well-educated white person would stand up for minorities like that. Kudos."

[Franklin] "I'm black! Are you stupid?"

[Finkelstein] "You don't sound very black. When you talk, you sound more like a combination of Clarence Thomas and Walter Williams. We'd value your opinion much more if you said stuff like 'yo' two or three times per sentence."

[Matthews] "I feel really sorry for the kids in flyover country, whose hateful parents kept them from hearing this triumphant oration from President Obama. Those poor kids are going to drop out and catch H1N1 because of the rampant racism that lingers in America."


  1. Created or saved over 250,000 graduations -- hilarious.

  2. Great one sir! Of course, if it were Nancy Pelosi, she would have said 600 million!

  3. I'm thinking he saved or created 0 votes in Congress today with this one.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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