Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Waste of my talents

Every few months I get an order from the Forest Service for a bunch of 2-tone plastic strips. They always ask for weird colors with equally weird patterns. Eggshell/Periwinkle with 1/2" triangles. Stuff like that. Drives me crazy. They take these strips, heat them up and form a little omega-shaped clip thing that goes on the leg of a Western Spotted Owl. USFS biologists (hippies, in other words) can see these birdbands with their binoculars and tell age/gender/home range etc, based on these colors and patterns.

But I have made literally THOUSANDS of these stupid things over the last few years. How [bleep]ing endangered can the [bleep]ing birds be if the gov't needs thousands of these bands? Hey, Forest Service! Maybe the birds DON'T LIKE having a brightly colored plastic piece of crap clipped to their legs and messing up their natural camouflage! Ya think maybe that yellow/black band with the zigzag pattern might just look like an "I'm right here, Mr. Big Scary Predator, come dine on my tasty owl flesh!" neon sign? Maybe they're so endangered 'cuz you won't leave them alone! Maybe they're dying off because your bright little band thingy alerts the owls' prey in time for them to hide! Does that kind of thing even occur to you, hippie? Nah. You just want to keep making fat gov't money walking around in the woods hassling birds and picking ticks of your hippie co-workers. Up with the finger to the whole lot of you!


  1. I have owls that live behind my house. We've come to respect one another: I won't shoot my AK-47 their way at 5 a.m., when they give me a wakeup call, if they don't hoot at 5 p.m., when I give them theirs.

    It seems to be working out well.

  2. Good point. They are probably contributing to the early demise of our endangered friends. We need to give these owls hippie repellant. But I don't think the poor birds can fly wearing soap-on-a-rope.

  3. your story reminds me of when all the hippies were so concerned about the frogs disappearing from the rainforests. turned out it was because said hippies had a fungus on their shoes spreading it around killing the frogs.

  4. Dr Dave, you are a good man. A true understanding of what makes the world go 'round. And the birds actually cooperate.

    I have a similar unspoken agreement with the possums living under the deck. Except that if I DID have an AK-47, all contracts would be null and boyd. Boyd, that's the possum that lives under the deck. I would like to nullify ol' Boyd...


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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