[Obama] "First off, I'd like to say I'm sorry. The United States has acted unilaterally, whatever that means, way too often in the last couple hundred years. But if you examine the actions over the last 8 months or so, you'll see that I'm making America into a very different country."
[Li'l Kim] "YOU LIE! Ha, ha! Jush kidding! See, that funny! I even make Castro raff at that one!"
[Obama] "Ahem... So, where was I? Roll the 'prompter back a few seconds. OK... We are a global community, and we need to act globally to regulate the financial industry. It is disgusting that people are actually making profits in this day and age, while their countrymen go hungry."
[Qdaffy] "Yes! Child of Africa, You are like a son to me!"
[Obama] "So we need to tax every last cent of profit! And we, the developed nations, must act globally to arrest the increases in greenhouse gases before we all die."
[Qdaffy] "Yes! May allah grant that you would reign forever!"
[Obama] "Uh, Mo, that's a little excessive. We need to tone down the rhetoric a little. But I do appreciate the sentiment behind it." [glances off-stage] "Prompter? OK, back on track here." [to the assembly] "Even if that means Americans have to walk everywhere, in their bare feet, to keep the planet from overheating. Even if that mean Americans would have to survive on a diet of crabgrass and mosquito larva. We will do whatever it takes to keep the seas from rising! Who is with me!?!"
[Assad] "This is an excellent plan! You sacrifice for us! Make amends for centuries of death and destruction!"
[Obama] "Um, actually, since we're all one big global community, we're supposed to sacrifice, um, together."
[Assad throws show at Obama]
[Obama] "OK, OK, maybe we'll act unilaterally again, just one last time, and poison our own economy without affecting yours."
[Chavez, crooning] "Caaaan you smell the hoooooope tonight?"
[Obama] "And I make it my personal mission to rid the world of nuclear weapons. We shall live in the safety of a nuclear-free world!"
[Ahmadinejad] "Free nukes?! Yay! I should have let ACORN put my name on Obama ballots more often! He is a wonderful friend to me!"
[Obama silently soaks up the accolades for a while]
[Gordon Brown] "Mr. President, if I could have a moment with you."
[Obama, glaring at Brown] "Who the hell are you? Do I even know you?"