Barry first day of school

[Teacher] "Good morning class! It is the day after labor day, and we have an exciting start to the new school year. But first, does anybody know what labor day is?"

[a few tentative hands are raised]

[Teacher] "Jimmy?"

[Jimmy] "Well, labor is another word for work. And my dad made my other dad go outside and pull weeds yesterday. So I think "labor day" means "work day."

[Teacher] "Good boy, Jimmy. But that's not quite the answer we're looking for. Mary?"

[Mary] "Umm, most holidays are celebrations. Labor day is the day we celebrate work. Ick!"

[Teacher] "Getting closer! Johnny?"

[Johnny] "My dad says it comes from those darn commies!"

[Teacher] "Johnny, that's mostly right. Because you're so smart I'm going to make sure that the State Children's Services pay your dad a little 'visit' to congratulate him on his excellent 'parenting' and perhaps 'educate' him on how he might do even better."

[Class] "Yay for Johnny's dad!"

[Teacher] "Now, I'd like to introduce the President of the United States!"

[Jimmy] "Obama is actually coming here?"

[Geek from A/V wheels in huge plasma TV on a media cart]

[Teacher] "Sadly, no. We'll have to settle for a video presentation from our wonderful leader. I'd like to personally thank the President, though, for the stimulus funds which purchased all these very expensive TVs for our school. We wouldn't otherwise be able to afford them because the school district pays out so much in pensions and hush-money to those families victimized by pedophilic social studies teachers."

[Lights are dimmed, Orwellian disembodied Obamahead appears onscreen]

[Obamahead] "Greetings, my fellow school-age Americans! I'm here to encourage you to work very hard and study very hard and be very, very tolerant. That way you can get into prestigious Ivy League colleges when you graduate and you can get a good government job in a big city instead of being one of those uselessss people that go to state colleges and shoot guns on the weekend."

[Mary] "But I don't want even more school! I hate school enough already!"

[Obamahead] "People that don't work very hard and study very hard end up eliding the 'g' sound at the end of their wordsss and sounding stupid and people like David Brooksss won't like you. It is very important to go to the right school and talk the right way."

[Obamahead briefly moves offscreen][Mumbled, barely audible voice of Obamahead] "#$%^&&* Teleprompter! Can't we get a better stand for that stupid thing!?"

[Obamahead back onscreen] "Sorry, kids. I had to step out for a moment and solve all the world's problems. I'm back now. So, once you've gone to a good school you can get a good job doing important stuff like cooling off the earth and reforming healthcare. Doesn't that sound fun?"

[Johnny] "Are his ears really like that, or is it just the TV? It reminds me of when Buford, my Basset Hound, sticks his head out the car window when we're on the freeway."

[Teacher] "Class, quiet please."

[Obamahead] "And since I really like kids so much, I've decided to include you in a very important mission: Most adultsss didn't go to good schools and learn how to talk right. They also don't like when black people try to take over healthcare. Therefore, they don't understand how awesome I am. So I'm counting on you young people, the future of our country, to remind them of my awesomenessss. Your teacher is going to give you a workbook with some ideas you can use."

[Mary] "Workbook? I HATE workbooks!"

[Teacher, very sensitively] "Shhhh..."

[Obamahead] "You'll use the workbook to write down all the things you like about me. Then you can write them down again and send me a copy. I'll use your ideas to make a better world. Now, repeat after me:

I pledge allegiance to the world
and to a fairer distribution of wealth
and to the TelePrompTer, up on its stand
one leader, like a god, never invisible,
with social justice for all!

[Johnny] "Wow, this guy sucks. Dad was right."

[Mary] "Let him fill out his own %$^&(*)* workbook!"

[Jimmy] "I hate going to the doctor. I hate school. I think I hate this stupid President guy, too."