Thursday, October 1, 2009

Biden sighting

[No-name MSM talking head] "We go now to field correspondent Noesheet Shirlock"

[Noesheet] "Stimulus Sheriff Joe Biden was seen in public today for the first time since the last time he appeared in public. Clad in his finest Full Dress Sheriff's Uniform, he made his appearance before a crowd of the jubilantly funemployed. Chaos swirled all around him, but the Sheriff remained unflappable. Showing the steely resolve and careful phrasing he is known for, he calmed the overly festive horde: 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined'.

"Job losses reported today reveal that the economy shed another 551,000 jobs last month - considerably more expected. Sheriff Joe remained unfazed. 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined.' Official unemployment is expected to be around 9.8% in tomorrow's report. I think the gov't deserves some props for their management of labor statistics - it is remarkable how there have been so many job losses, yet official funemployment numbers never seem to exceed that psychologically important value of 10%. Unofficial funderemployment figures are now above 16%, and youth funemployment is up to a whopping 52%. This brought forth the Sheriff's most forceful words yet: 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined.'

When a gathering of young funemployed victims of Bush's bad economic policies demanded to know when they'd get jobs, the Sheriff properly told them 'Shut up, you lousy ingrates! Imagine how bad it would be if we hadn't spent $787 godzillian bucks on stimulus! All is well! All is wellll! All is well-ellll-elllllllll!' Now, back to you."

[MSM talking head] "Thank you for that excellent reporting, Noesheet."

8 comments:

  1. I've always seen him as Schultzy from Hogan's Heroes. "SCHULTZ!"

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  2. We have to spend money we don't have in order to recover from the recession. Doesn't anyone get that?

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  3. What kills me is that the gubbermint claims that the porkulus has saved the economy, but only a small fraction of it has been spent! We know that's going to be a huge stinking pile of fail anyway, but the claims are ridiculous!

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  4. Wasn't it schultz who said, "I KNOW NOTHINK!!!"

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  5. You know what this post will get you? Hits from the White House. Check your sitemeter.

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  6. Thanks for the continued laughs "NOESHEET"

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  7. Thank you for your God-given brilliance (you thank Him, too, please!) because those of us who Get It, the destruction of America by these evil forces, would fall apart if we couldn't laugh. Folks out there: Pray protection on these voices of clarity!

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Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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