Sunday, September 6, 2009

Barry grim sacrifice

President Obama is walking back to the clubhouse after finishing his round. Surprisingly, he is carrying his own bag. (Don't laugh yet, that's not supposed to be funny). He is met by his Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel.

[Rahm] "Sire, how did you shoot?"

[Obama] "Well, let me be perfectly clear: If my bowling score equaled my golf score, I'd be on the Pro Bowling tour."

[Rahm] "Ouch. I have some other unsettling news, sire. I hate to be the one that must bear it, but our friend Zogby reports that you approval has fallen to 42% in a recent poll."

[Obama] "What? That has to be a mistake. I am universally adored!" [raises hands, tilts head back as one receiving a standing ovation]

[Rahm] "M'lord, we do believe it is a mistake, too. Rasmussen actually has you a few points higher. We should probably put more trust in Rasmussen's figures."

[Obama] "Either way, we must act swiftly. Gather the whole crew - cabinet, czars and all. I need to get out of these dorky golf clothes and into some comfortable mom jeans then I'll be right over."

[Rahm] "Of course, sire. Right away, sire." [Rahm pulls phone from pocket and begins making calls as he minces off in demi pointe steps]

Later that afternoon, the rogue's gallery is assembled...

[Obama] "Folks, we, um, have a really big problem. OK, maybe I should say I have a really big problem, which means the sword is going to fall on one of you."

EZkill Emanuel and John Holdren spring from their seats with hands raised like overeager second graders who know an answer.

[EZkill and Holdren, elbowing each other] "Pick me! No, pick me! Let me be the one to lop somebody's head off! No, mom said it was my turn to kill people!]

[Obama] "Excuse me. I spoke inartfully. I believe I should have said that one of you needs to fall on the sword."

[collective silence]

[Obama] "We've done masterfully at silencing the MSM to our radical agenda. But the radio hosts, bloggers, and that Blenn Geck dude on Fox have been causing us a lot of headaches. It is time to sacrifice a pawn to improve our position on the big chessboard of life."

[Rahm] "Sire, the chessboard metaphor is brilliant! Brilliant! You even said that without prompting from a teleprompter! Marvelous!"

[Obama] "Relax, Rahm. You're my favorite brown-nosing pawn. You'd be the last to go."

[Rahm heaves a big sigh and leans back in his ergonomic chair made from 100% recycled materials]

[Obama] "But, like the many yet-unfilled positions in my administration, there remain unfilled positions under the bus. Today we fill one of those positions."

[Rahm] "Sire, I beg thee, wouldn't it be better to fight? To clamp down on bloggers and talk radio?"

[Obama, flaring with rage, leaps the table and begins pummeling Rahm] "We" [punch] "will" [punch] "not" [punch] "fight!" [punch] "We" [punch] "will" [punch] "APPEASE!!!" [punch][punch]

[Obama, collecting himself] "Anymore stupid suggestions? Anyone else care to act stupidly?"

[hush falls about the room]

[Obama] "Don't you get it? Don't you see why I have so many czars? I can throw one of you to the wingnut wolves once in a while and totally deflect the criticism away from my self!! I remain above the fray! Even a crappy chess player could dominate if he had, like, 37 pawns on the board. You are the pawns. I am the KING. Capiche?"

[Biden] "Sir, I'm in total agreement, sir! Who shall be the one to receive the bus tracks across his/her back?"

[Obama] "I've already drawn straws. The loser is Van Jones."

[Biden] "No! No [bleep]ing way!"

[Obama] "Joe, I didn't realize you had such a high opinion of Mr. Jones."

[Biden] "Sir, that's not it at all. I think the guy is a first-order putz. But down at O'Reilly's Irish Pub we had a little gambling pool. I had bet that Jones would make it through the weekend and get booted on Wednesday, just before you big address to the Joint Session of Congress. Now, I've lost $20 AND my buddies at the bar are going to tease me about how Van is now eating government cheese down by the river! It's more than I can take!" [stifled sobs]

[Obama] "Enough! The decision is made, no more sniveling! And Holdren, watch yourself. I think you're next!"

Update: Politico, unbelievably, agrees with me. 'Course I beat 'em by a a few hours. And I was a little bit funnier.


  1. I always thought Biden would be the first to go, but Jones certainly rises to the occasion of "guy who puts foot in mouth too much." Besides, Biden's the token white guy in the Executive branch, so it was only natural that a brother had to go.

  2. And Biden makes Obama look smart.
    Who's next?

  3. " of those positions will be filled..."

    Barry funny! Although I didn't realize he could leap a table and slug someone...maybe he IS a man after all!

  4. THis was hilarious and Inspired, Innominatus. EzKill, Emmanuel, that's a great one. And, the old bag he's carrying, we all though of chewbacca...aka michelle.
    Thanks for the laughs.

  5. Thanks, but I can't claim the EZkill. I've seen a couple people use that, and I'm not sure who thunk it up first. And Barry is barry serious about wanting appeasement rather than violence!

  6. Did you sneak a copy of Barry's playbook? You rascal!

  7. I dunno about EZkill being next, his bother is rahmbo and all. Maybe Mark Lloyd??

  8. Faster and funnier. Dammit. I want to be faster and funnier.

    'Course, could be I'm slower and simply not funny. In a better world, I would not be responsible for that.

  9. That's Obama all right. Deflect the criticism, blame somebody else. Obama knew exactly what he was getting with Van Jones, a carbon copy of himself.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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