White House media room. Press Corps assembled, waiting for the q-and-a session with the President.
[Obama] "Good morning. Before taking questions, I'd like to announce that I'm going to be on 5, yes, five talk shows this week. What I've learned, is that the polling bounce I get after a speech is pretty short lived. So I plan on talking about healthcare incessantly. 24/7. It will be like one big unending speech. I'm going to just talk about it and talk about it. I won't stop talking about it, because as soon as I do, my polling bounce would evaporate. I will bring it up at every opportunity until the Medical Industry Seizure Act of 2009 is finally passed. Then I'll talk about something else. What about you? What's on your mind this morning?
[Reporters raise hands]
[Obama] "Andrea, go ahead."
[Andrea Mitchell, NBC News] "Mr. President, I'm wondering what is your take on the gathering of racist teabaggers that occurred on 9/12."
[Obama] "I didn't know a thing about that. I was up in Minnesota, surrounded by adoring worshipers who love my healthcare takeover plans. Most of them were local - we hardly had to use any buses, thanks to my friends the Somali taxicab drivers. So this, uh, gathering, you mention, uh, well, if MSNBC or other respected MSM outlets don't report on something, I pretty much have no idea it happened. So I wasn't aware that anything was going on. They are irrelevant anyway. Even if they managed to get a million of them to show up - like that would ever happen - I wouldn't give half a crap about their complaints. Yes, complaints. That's all they do. When I offer up a big bloated government solution to a nonexistent problem, do they offer up a big bloated alternative? No. They just oppose and namecall and complain. Waaahhh. Helen?"
[Helen Thomas, NYT] "Mr. President, I'm worried about all the racist attacks on our beloved Congressman, Charles Rangel. Do you plan to do anything to help him?"
[Obama] "Helen, Charlie has been in Congress for almost as long as you have been in the newspaper business. The first election Charlie won, the electors had to chisel his name onto a piece of flat rock by torchlight to mark their ballots, and the NYT favorably reported on it by chiseling their reportage onto flat rocks and selling them at a loss. That's how long Charlie's been in the Congress. After all these years, he knows how to handle the racist attacks. Which reminds me of another inconsistency the conservatives display: they laugh at reruns of the Jeffersons, where the fictitious family has a de-luxe apartment in the sky-y-y. But if a real-life black man gets himself several de-luxe rent-controlled apartments in the sky-y-y and a resort house in the Caribbean, the right attack him mercilessly. You see, to them, the idea of a successful black man is laughable and only happens on TV. Charlie knows how to deal with people like that. I'm not worried there. I am, however, a little worried about Charlie's tax problems. So I've hooked him up with some advisors from ACORN, whom I've worked with very closely over the years. They are very creative and their tax advice is rock-solid. However bad Charlie's taxes are wee-wee'd up, I'm confident that my close friends at ACORN will find a way to help him avoid taxes and whitewash his corruption. Major?"
[Major Garrett, FOX News] "Mr. President, the Senate has voted to de-fund ACORN, and the Census Bureau has severed all ties with ACORN. The organization has been tainted by scandal after scandal. You have had close ties to ACORN over the years. Do you see any of this affecting your Presidency, or affecting your ability to push through difficult legislation?"
[Obama] "Major, I don't know what you're talking about. The only acorn I know is the little nutty thing that falls from oak trees. Kind of like you rednecks when you were little kids - nutty and constantly falling out of trees."
[Major] "But sir, just moments ago, ...."
[Obama, interrupting] "Look, you racist hater working for a racist hater network! Have you ever heard of a Native American? No? What about injun or redskin? Is that more up your alley? Long ago, before your ancestors slaughtered the red man and dragged the black man here against his will, the Native Americans gathered acorns and ground them into a floury meal. They took this acornmeal and baked bread from it. But acorn meal is kind of bitter. The bread they baked was nutritious, but not pleasant tasting. Here's some more info for ya, Einstein... You ever see a trail of ants? Ever wonder how they know what path to follow? You see, the ants excrete a form of sugar - glucose, if I remember correctly - down from a gland on their underside that creates the trail. The other ants follow the trail and build on it. So the Native Americans, being clever, would place slices of acornbread along the ant trails. The ants would walk over the bread and sweeten it with their excretions."
[Major] "Mr. President, have you been dropping acid? What the heck are you talking about?"
[Obama, angrily] "I'm talking about racism! It always boils down to racism! You white corporatists just can't stand the idea of some poor downtrodden minority eating bitter homemade acornbread covered in ant excretions. You're mad because you haven't been able to totally kill off that minority, yet, and you're mad that you didn't get to make ridiculous profits selling him your empty-calorie white bread and your tooth-rot refined white sugar. You are the worst form of racist - a Capitalist Racist! Boooooo!"
[Helen Thomas, Andrea Mitchell and the rest of press corps] "Booooo! Racist! Boooo!"