Friday, December 11, 2009

I are motivation speaker

There's a big company.  You've heard of them.  I'm not going to name them 'cuz I don't want to embarrass a customer who is in the process of laying down a healthy stack of cash for my services.  Anonymous Big Corporation just placed an order for 50 acrylic awards that they want by the 17th.  They want their logo and mission statement lasered onto each acrylic, and their statement reads:

We are a self-directed culture that
creates and maintains safety as its
top priority and continuously challenges
our diversity culminating in long-term value.

This is about the most hurlworthy thing I've ever had to engrave.  If they'd just have included the word "leverage" in there it would at least have the notoriety of being the most useless and clichéd series of words ever strung together, but right now it just plain sucks.  Sheesh, even Robert Gibbs sounds (marginally) less stupid when he's trying to dance around a question from Jake Tapper.  Who the heck is going to be stirred by such words?  Who, after reading this, will want to charge into the corporate battlefield and claim the skulls of the enemy?  Can anybody read that without needing an imodium immediately afterwards?

Dang, just keying in the word of that statement seems to have cost me some testosterone. Whoever came up with this statement needs to be beaten with a broomstick and denied his juicebox.  After they've paid for the awards.
Michelle Obama needs more boob belts


  1. *gag*
    at least they didn't throw "organic" in there.

  2. After the paycheck. After. Corporate dorks.

  3. labcat - the company in question is totally organic yet despised by the greenies. The irony would have been overwhelming.

    Red - absolutely! I am not above separating a dork from his money!

  4. I'm sure it run by a bunch of lying, thieving hypocrites who use any opportunity to abuse and exploit the workers!

    They should use the less wordy version.
    This Place Sucks! But, if you get paid by the word, it's all good, Innominatus.

  5. AB - the sad part is that it is actually a decent company in a "manly" industry. If it were a nail salon or something like that, I wouldn't be as bothered about it.

  6. Made up from the "Corporate Mad Libs" game available at Walgreens for hours of greedy fun at the expense of the American worker...

    Heck, I think a dose of Immodium might have prevented this "stream of consciousness"!

  7. aA - there used to be a random "Mission Statement Generator" on the old that produced junk that sounded exactly like this. Maybe there is commercial potential we can exploit here.....

  8. You should have another contest to see who can come up with the stupidest mission statement for the libtards.

  9. You just keep the chunks from your insides off of them. Just think of the poor bastards that receive these from there touchy, feely, lib boss. I have a good idea which corporation this is ... mums the word.

  10. I've worked for the top two largest organizations in the US: the U.S. Army, and General Electric.

    Crap like that is taped to every horizontal surface available in both. And then the managers are slack jawed in amazement that the snuffies are not highly motivated. Go figure.

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